Category Archives: Parenting Tips

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Getting Kids to Listen

“It’s time for dinner, Johnny. Come to the table. Johnny, it’s time to stop playing and come eat. Come eat  Johnny.

JOHN JOSEPH FANNING the third YOU GET TO THIS TABLE  RIGHT NOW !

Why don’t they listen the first time? Listening.  Hearing. Cooperating. How do we get kids to do these things? Why do they make us yell? Perhaps it’s because  they know they don’t have to listen until they get you to

So what are kids thinking? From their perspective, they are listening. They listen to your voice to  progressively increase in volume. They listen to your tone  get more strained. And then when you get to the most  strained voice and highest volume, they act. It appears to  me they know exactly what they are doing. As you are  trying to control them, they control you.

To get kids to listen they need to know that we mean it before we get to that loud strained voice. Perhaps we  should call once then go and touch them to be sure they heard. Then gauge whether they are willing to part with  what they are doing. Giving them some warning ahead of  time helps with this part. Then as you touch them, meet  their eyes and tell them again it is time to come. Then wait there a second. They hate parents to hover over them.

Of course not all listening problems are solved so quickly. Parents need to realize that kids don’t like  being ordered around like a disrespected employee. Nobody appreciates being treated like that. So we have to back up and think about how we talk to them. Do we yell a lot? Do  we order them around? Are we always telling them what do do and not letting them think for themselves. These actions will make children want to tune us out.

To help children listen better, keep your voice even. Use nonverbal cues like touch, meeting their eyes and  getting down to their level. Stop giving orders and commands. Give options instead. Sometimes just present the problem you are having and see if they can come up with a solution. The solution might not be what you exactly want but it might work as well.

Getting our kids “to listen” is a perennial problem  for parents. We always think of it as their problem with  hearing and cooperating. But if we turn this problem to be  ours then perhaps it is really at least in part a problem  of how we present ourselves and our daily concerns to our kids.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Getting Not Giving

I must confess. I am a pediatrician who dislikes Halloween. “How much candy did you get?” is a common refrain at the end of every Halloween evening. Kids spill out their treasure to see how much they got. They often separate their goods into piles – from favorite to least favorite candies. Of course, the least favorite are the ones that are dispensable to others. This ritual begins the “getting season”. Before the Halloween costumes are hung to dry, Christmas items are being hung on display in every store in the country. In this culture of getting, when do we squeeze in the lesson about giving?

The lesson about giving doesn’t start with  Thanksgiving that is for sure. Yes, people will give an  extra dollar at Shaw’s to buy a turkey for a needy family.  But Thanksgiving culminates at a meal where we sit and  overeat and get sleepy. I was struck recently when in a  store I saw the title page from Martha Stewart Living – A  Season of Plenty. I wasn’t sure whether we were supposed  to be thankful and appreciative or just happy we have so  much. So I return to my question. When do we squeeze in  the lesson about giving?

It is my opinion that we need to stop squeezing in  this lesson. This lesson of giving of oneself or of some  money or effort to a good cause should be a year round  lesson in all families. Let’s not spend Thanksgiving  giving ourselves self congratulating appreciation of what  we have. Starting this season, starting now get your  family participating in active projects of giving. The  biggest stumbling block is where to start. Here are a few  suggestions.

  1. Kids won’t want to instantaneously start in a project  of giving. It’s hard to force it on them. The first  thing parents need to do is get information about an  area where you may want your family to make an effort.
  2. Once you’ve chosen an area of concern (i.e. hunger)  find out about that issue in your area. Then provide  your children information about that issue.
  3. Parents should start working on the concern by  themselves. Let the children know why you are  interested in the work. Be clear about what you are  doing about it – no matter how small.
  4. Continue your commitment all year and be clear to your  kids that you have a long term commitment to help.
  5. After some time ask your kids to join you with your  commitment – even in small ways.
  6. Here are some ideas for families to contribute their  time. In the book, Parenting for Peace and Justice  by Kathleen and James McGinnis, the authors talk  about the “two feet” of Christian Service. On the  one foot there are acts for social change. These are  works of justice. Included in this are actions such  as helping to organize a good co-op, educating the  public on social needs, and even inspiring people to  get out and vote. The other foot of service is direct  service. These are works of mercy that include direct  volunteer work such as working in food and clothing  centers, visiting with the elderly, tutoring children  or contributing to known worthy causes. These are  some categories where families can contribute their  time and efforts. And there are many more. But how  can families get off the dime. Families need to start  somewhere. Locally people can help at the Open Door,  the Cape Ann Food pantry. They can contact Cape Ann  Families to look for opportunities to help. Schools  need people to help tutor and read to children, or  you can contact your town’s Senior Services to help  with the elderly. If you want a more worldly area  to contribute, sponsor a child at the orphanage in  Honduras. Check the website at www.nphhonduras.org.  If you want to contribute to the orphanage you can use  the website or contact me. Look into other world wide  organizations such as OXFAM, Doctors Without Borders,  or Habitat for Humanity. No matter where your efforts  take you, make sure your kids know what you’re doing  and where you are helping and why.

Even in small ways, families working together can help  develop a society of Givers and decrease our society of  Getters.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Toddler

From Toddler To Preshooler – The Not So Terrible Two’s

Mothers often marvel at their one year old children. In one very short year their children went from a dependent infant  to a free walking toddler. They tripled their weight, became  curious in the world around them, and want freedom to move  around it. It is just a wonder to behold. But parents often  dread what is to come – the famous terrible two’s & horrible  three’s.

As a pediatrician, however, I marvel at the next  transition. As a toddler grows towards two years old and  beyond, a personality develops. They start to show preferences  and interests. They don’t get distracted as easily away from  their desired object. They demonstrate a will and  determination. Eating a meal in full is no longer easily  accomplished. They decide about foods they like and don’t like.

This transition is equally remarkable as the first year  of life. But for parents, it can be hard to enjoy their child  at this age since we enter a challenging time of parenting. With  the fascinating growth of personality come the parenting battles  we all fear – tantrums, food battles, toilet training, and more.  These challenges are really appropriate steps in their  development, so we have to reframe how we look at these little  people in our lives. How can parents marvel in this development  while peacefully managing a different interaction with their  child? This is the challenge of meeting the “terrible twos and  the horrible threes”.

We can meet the challenges of the toddler years if we  understand them in respect to their development. All the new  challenges our children give us during this time are a direct  result of their new skills, new curiosities and new  determination. Food challenges are due to slower rate of growth  which causes smaller appetites. By looking at their  development, we can better understand their behavior. Then  perhaps we can be more measured and controlled in response to  their behavior. As we control our reactions to their behaviors,  we actually improve our interaction with our children thereby  making these “terrible” times much easier. Let’s look at some  examples.

Parents often witness a drop off in diet in children by 18  months of age. Sometimes it is difficult to have a child sit  for fives minutes to eat. And the amount of food consumed  versus going to the dogs (literally) may be a pittance. Many  parents end up falling back on old reliable foods (spaghetti,  Mac and cheese) just to get their kids to eat something. What  is happening in their development at this age? They are curious  and active. They don’t want to sit. Their growth rate is much  slower than the first year so they don’t need to eat as much to  grow. And they are showing preferences in what foods they like.

Taking this in perspective parents shouldn’t expect full  meals eaten. They will eat what they need to grow on – all  children do. Parents need to watch not to cater too much toward  their child’s likes and dislikes. Keep variety coming. They  will learn to pick from a varied diet and will grow on it. The  age old worry about how much a child eats at any one meal is  unnecessary.

Where do tantrums come from? Your poor young children!  They get some voice, some legs and mobility, they see all the  opportunity for exploration around them, and they think the  world is theirs. Unfortunately they don’t see what is safe  and unsafe. We need to say “no” and keep them safe. But when  their exploration and freedom are limited, they react. They  try a behavior. When you don’t allow them to bang the table  with silverware in a restaurant, they may try a temper fit;  they may cry;’ they may strike out and hit. All these are  trials. Attempts. They aren’t malicious or mean. They are  simply trying to change our minds. They want their freedom and  control back so they try a behavior on for size. Unfortunately,  there are times that we need to take control. We need to keep  situations safe. Recognize these behaviors as attempts to  influence our decisions. But don’t take the bait and don’t take  it personally. Most behaviors that aren’t given much attention  usually fade away. Behaviors that don’t gain much control of  the situation also fade away. Don’t let these behaviors control  you or the situation and don’t give them undue attention and  they will go away – over time. Be patient.

Many young children and preschoolers hate transitions. It  may be that you need to leave the playground. You may need to  drop them off at preschool. Or you may need to get them in bed.

Many young children develop bad habits. Nose picking, nail  biting, even handling their privates may all occur at  embarrassing times. Part of toddler-hood to preschool  development is body exploration and self care. They do have  control of their hands and control of many body parts. It is  their body. What we can do is teach them where caring for the  body is appropriate – in privacy. Teaching and allowing body  care in private keeps this battle small. Instead of saying  “don’t pick your nose” say “if you’re going to pick your nose do  it in the bathroom or your bedroom”.

This age group also transitions into the ultimate body  control function of childhood – training to use the toilet.  This can be a big control battle and as I said above they have  control of many of their body parts. This is particularly true  of their bowels. Many pediatricians feel that this issue should  never become a battle. It is really your child’s choice where  they go to the bathroom. It is their accomplishment to go in  the potty – not the parents. It really shouldn’t matter to the  parents where a child goes to the bathroom. We do have control  over how and where to clean them up. We can show what is normal  for adults in going to the bathroom. And we can encourage them  to go to the bathroom like us. But when they decide to be  “trained” is really up to the developing child. (Incidentally,  most girls aren’t “trained” until 2 1?2 and most boys at 3 or  older!)

There are many issues to face with children from 18 months  to three years of age. It is truly a fascinating transition.  By viewing our challenges in interacting with our children in  light of their development, it makes it easier to understand  what to do. There are many things we need to be in charge of.  And there are some things they have ultimate control over.  Often, as parents, we need to step back and think about where we  draw the line, where we take control and when we concede control  to them.

I have developed a list of guidelines (The twelve rules of  parenting young children) for dealing with toddlers to  preschoolers. Here they are.

Recognize that this is an age of wonder, exploration,  determination, and attainment of skills.

Praise the positive. Marvel in it. It is through our  praise that they appreciate their skills.

Don’t dwell on the negative – move through it.

Don’t sweat how much they eat – just keep a balanced diet  coming.

Ignore the fits – if they don’t work, they’ll stop using

They all toilet train so why sweat it!

Read, Read, Read – they love words and love to build  vocabulary.

Enjoy their interests.

You do need to say “no”.

When you do – expect some behavior.

Transitions are tough – help them move through them –at  some point “just do it”.

Enjoy their stories – they love telling them.

Dr. Brian G. Orr is a pediatrician and author of A  Pediatrician’s Journal. He also writes a parenting column for  papers North of Boston. Donna Raskin is a writer and a teacher in the North Shore of  Boston.

Brian Orr M.D. and Donna Raskin co-authored The Everything Guide  to Raising the One Year Old and The Everything Guide to Raising  the Two Year Old.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Toddler

Fixing Bad Habits

Those thumb suckers, and nail biters and nose pickers, and knuckle crackers,  what are we to do with our kids and their bad habits. As parents we often feel  responsible for our children’s behaviors. Because of this feeling of responsibility we try  to take charge of our kids annoying habits. Unfortunately they have control of their  fingers and nails and knuckles. So the more we try to control these habits, the worse they  often become.

Parents need to recognize that we are not responsible for our children’s behaviors.

The problem with bad habits like nail biting is that these behaviors or actions are  directed towards themselves – not toward others. You cannot separate your children  from themselves or separate their nose, mouth, or fingers from them. Although  sometimes you may want to! Yet these habits are annoying to watch. Many parents can’t help but yelling “Stop biting your nails! Don’t you see what you are doing to your fingers? Your nails are dirty. Keep them out of your mouth.” Yet the temptation for  them is always there as is our temptation to correct them.

Some parents try the toxic route – Tabasco on the thumb for thumb suckers for  example. And some parents try the hiding method such as using gloves or wraps over the  hands as if by hiding the extremity the child will forget they have nails to bite or fingers  to suck. But somehow kids work around these “fixes” so they don’t work.

What parents can do is equate these habits to other body care issues that demand  privacy. Nail care, nose care and thumb sucking all can be done in privacy. In fact, we can make this a family policy. All nail biting, thumb sucking, knuckle cracking, and nose picking need to be done in privacy! Making these privacy or bathroom issues, changes the battle over whether they can do their bad habit to where they can do it. That is  something we can enforce. Over correcting and giving undue attention to these habits  often increases them. Demanding privacy for them at least diminishes what you see of  these bad habits over time. And when it comes to habits, out of sight – out of mind is a win – win policy for home peace.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Experience Is A Good Teacher

As parents, we always think that we have to do all the teaching of lessons for our kids. After all, we are the grown ups. We have the experience and wisdom. How many lectures  do we need to give our children until they take in and understand our wisdom? A long  time ago I learned that some lectures are better off not given at all. I am an avid Boston  Red Sox fan. My son has inherited my love of baseball. And his love of the game and of  one of its stars provided the opportunity for an important lesson for him and me. Here’s  my story.

Ten years ago, when he was eight, I took him to a Red Sox game. For days before the  game he asked me whether we would get autographs. We were planning to go to the  game after my workday, so I told him repeatedly that we would be getting there late and  would get nowhere near any players.

We got a late start that evening since I got home from work later than expected. We  raced out the door and headed to the train. He was jumping out of his shoes with  excitement.

I knew we were late and felt the pressure of maneuvering the two of us from  our train to the “T”. We got seats on train and started moving towards North Station.  I knew we had to change to the “T” so I was anxiously watching our movement toward  North Station. My son tapped me on the arm.

“Look Dad, I brought my favorite card.”  It was a Nomar Garciaparra rookie card (then worth five dollars according to his baseball card books and now not worth a dime). At that time, Nomar’s card was special to my son.  “Do you think we can get him to sign it?”, he asked me.

At this point, I thought to myself, first, we are late and we would never get anywhere close to Nomar. Second, the chance of him losing the card was 50/50. I initially felt like saying, “Why did you bring that? It is your special card. You’re going to lose it. And what were you thinking? We won’t get near Nomar.” But I had been reading some  parenting books, like a good pediatrician. And I had recently learned about experience  being a good teacher. So I held back.

“I don’t know if we’ll get close enough, but we can see.”

I didn’t react. I didn’t lecture. I just kept his hope alive and I hoped he wouldn’t lose the  card. I did not offer to hold it for him. It was his responsibility.

We arrived at our station and we carved our way through the crowd and out of the train  station. No sooner did we sit down on the next train than I heard a dreadful “Uh-oh,” and  my heart sank.

“What is it?” I said.

“Dad…Do you have my Nomar card?”

“No, pal. You didn’t give it to me,” I replied.

“Why? You can’t find it?”

“No,” as he looked frantically around the seats.

“Quick dad, can we go back to the last train and see if I left it on the seat?”

“No, pal. I’m sorry, that train is long gone.”

“My Nomar card…I lost it,” and with that he started to cry (and I almost did, too).

I held him and let him cry. I didn’t say I would replace it. I just let him cry. I said I was  sorry that he lost it and that I understood how it hurt. After a while he asked me whether I had ever lost anything of value. I reassured him that I had and that everyone has. But it was so hard to see him so heartbroken over his lost card.

Later after the game when we were home and I was tucking him in bed he told me “Dad, thanks for not being mad at me for losing my card. It made me feel better to know that  you lost something too.” This was a “Father Knows Best” moment for both of us, but  what he doesn’t know is the pain I went through to have it. It was hard to let him have  this lesson about caring for his things, and sorrow over losses. However I knew at heart  that these were important lessons.

I realize that many parents try to avoid having their children experience  disappointment and loss. But I wish more parents could allow their children some of  these experiences in life and not fear our role as parent to just be there to support them.  We don’t have to fix every break or replace every loss. We don’t have to lecture to teach  these lessons. In fact, lectures won’t work. You see, some of our children’s most  important lessons won’t be taught by us, it will be experienced by them. We just need to  be wise enough to support them through it.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Expecting A Playmate And Just Having A Baby

So you are expecting your second child. Of course you want to prepare your older child who is probably one or older. You show them your growing belly. You let them feel some movement.  Perhaps they even see the baby on the ultrasound “TV” screen. You hope that involving them will  prepare them. But will they be prepared? What do they really expect when you’re expecting? Do they expect a playmate or a baby?

Naturally involving your children in changing family events is important. It is just difficult to  make them fully understand the coming of a newborn into your house. No matter how involved or  prepared they are, they will have some adjusting to do once the baby comes home.

At first, when your older child sees the new baby, there is a time of awe. It is not unlike the  awe we have as parents. Could this little being really have come from mommy’s belly? This awe  period may be short. It may involve a questioning of “what next?” And with that wonder, they may  have some fear. As a result they may want to be close to one or the other parent.

After a short time, children get a sense of pride along with the rest of the family that they “have  a new baby”. With that sense of pride comes a protectiveness or a possessiveness of the new baby.  Your child may react badly to others outside the immediate family when they hold the baby. They may  need reassurance that their baby is still theirs and won’t be taken away.

Even after witnessing some protectiveness, and knowing that rarely do older children intentionally hurt their younger newborn sibling, you cannot trust your older child around the baby. They may get angry at the newborn and want the baby “put back”. They can strike out or even  “accidentally” hurt the newborn. Though you need to protect the newborn, you do not want to  ostracize your older child. He or she still needs to be involved. Give them a role. They can be  guardian of a blanket or fetcher of the new diaper.

Some older children see the new baby and realize in their self centered world that the baby is  actually no threat to them and their kingdom or queendom. These perceptive children may be more  interested in the hospital bed going up and down than in the newborn. They may remain oblivious to  the baby but as a result may want the same amount of attention from you as before the baby was born.  Of course, this can be frustrating and impossible to do. Give them what attention you or your spouse  can. You may see them act out in negative ways to get your attention. Don’t give the negative  behavior undue attention. Try to complement and praise good behavior and minimize attention to the  negative acting out behaviors.

Some children challenge their parents after a newborn comes just to see if the rules at home are  the same. A big mistake parents make is being too lenient. Older children actually feel more secure to  know that the rules of the house are the same – bedtime is bedtime, there is no hitting allowed, and you  can’t throw food on the floor. Once older siblings discover that the home with a new baby has the same  rules as when the home didn’t have a baby, they back down from challenging the rules so much.

Many times the real challenges with the new life with two children come when the new child  becomes more of an equal of sorts to their older toddler. Once the older child sees the new child  walking and talking he may then see his younger sibling as a threat. Now his toys and his space might  be invaded by the cruising little monster. The older child does need his or her space. And their toys  may truly be unsafe for the younger child. Parents need to respect this space for the older child and not  push “sharing” too soon. Remember your cruising one year old won’t understand sharing at all. One  year olds think the world is theirs. Over time the older child, who has their “space” supported and  secured with the help of the parents protection, will come to feel secure and be able to open up to the  younger sibling on their terms. And sharing can then be taught.

Parents need to play a balance between two young siblings. The tendency is to put too much  pressure on the older to be the sharer, the accepter, and the more mature playmate. It is best to respect  the older and not take sides favoring the younger sibling. Kids perceive fairness and practice that  amongst themselves over time. Recognize that young siblings will have conflict. This is a challenge.  Use separation when necessary. Limit blame. Accept the conflict as natural. Be fair, balanced and  even tempered. Over time your kids will learn to be fair and balanced to each other. Eventually your  older child will have the playmate they always wanted.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen, Values and Morals

Expectations For Our Teens (Parenting Teens Part III)

Do you expect anything from your teen? Do they have chores?

Parents are used to setting limits for their teenagers.  “No you can’t go out tonight. You have too much to do at home!”

How can any parent expect their child to achieve anything  if you aren’t clear with what you expect? I have witnessed this  question in action many times. When discussing school grades I  often hear parents tell me that their son or daughter does  “fine” in school. When I inquire further I discover that barely  passing is acceptable to that parent. If I ask if their child  could do better, invariably the parent says “sure, if he only  applied himself.” It is hard to press a parent further but I  often wonder in my head “why don’t you expect him to do better  and apply himself?”

It is an unwritten law of teen parenting; children will  rise to the level of their parents’ expectations. (Of course  there are some conditions – realistic expectations, good mental  health, organizational skills, etc).

Realistic expectations are a sign of respect towards your  children. They tell your child that you think so much of them  that you think they can achieve. That is powerful to these kids  who are going through so much internal questioning. “My mom and  dad think I can make it through college.” Kids internalize  these messages and sense a positive image of their skills.

These are some prerequisites for parents to set proper  expectations. Parents need to recognize their children for who  they are. They need to fairly assess their skills. They need  to respect them for their abilities and compliment them. Then  parents can help children set some short and long term goals.  Parents and kids should reassess these goals periodically.  Monitor progress. Then back off when they are achieving well  and taking ownership for their own accomplishments. Keep  witnessing their progress and keep the complements coming.

This kind of system helps guide teens in setting and  holding expectations for themselves. They attain more skills  over time. In the area of expectations, if you do you job, they  will do theirs.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Expectations and Consequences Are Better Than Threats

You need to get something to wear for a weekend wedding. Despite your better judgment, you are with your kids while shopping. They start running around and going  in and out of clothes racks. One hides. You can’t find  him. Finally, he is found by another woman as he sits in  the middle of a circular clothes rack. You are getting  frustrated. “Can’t you be good? If you don’t stop it you  will get a time out when we get home and no snack!”  (Although you know they are hungry) Your children have  pensive looks for three or four seconds. What they are  thinking is this: We don’t know exactly what she means by  “being good”. We are being good! And as for this threat,  we bet she won’t carry it out by the time we get home. Ah  what the heck, that’s a long time from now. We might as  well be good while having fun. Having fun is good. So  after the three to four seconds of thinking, they take off  together and play in the clothes again. Now you re really  frustrated. You yell, “Now that’s it. You are definitely  getting a time out at home.” Your kids stop for a second,  the same thoughts in their heads, and go on playing.

The problem with this scene is twofold. One problem  is clarity of expectations. And the other is of  consequence. A vague instruction like “be good” allows  wide interpretation for children. They may always see  themselves as good. After all, what is wrong about  exploring an environment? Parents need to be specific  about expectations. “You can’t run in here and I need to  be able to see you”.

Secondly, there has to be clear and immediate  consequence. “If you keep running and hiding, you will  have to sit in the carriage or hold my hand.”

By clarifying the specific expectation, your children  know how to want them to “be good”. And by having an  immediate consequence that you can carry out, they know  that you mean what you say.

By giving kids meaningless threats, you put yourself  at odds with your children. By nature anyone who is put at  odds with another feels challenged. Few people don’t  accept the challenge. Therefore, by threatening your child  you are almost asking them to misbehave. You are  challenging them to “cross this line”. Threats are a  useless tool to get your children to behave. Don’t bother  with them. You are setting yourself up for failure.

Threats are also demeaning and authoritarian. They  are an attempt by you to use fear to get your way. This is  not constructive for your children in the long run. When  children are given a clear framework within which they  should operate (no running or hiding) and clear consequence  of what happens when they go outside the framework (hold  hands with you or put in a carriage), they use their  intellect to make appropriate choices. As parents, this is  what we want children to do over time – make appropriate  choices for themselves.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Ending The Argument

“Dad can I go to Dan’s house tonight?” “No, you know we’re  going to your sister’s concert tonight.” “Oh come on dad. You  know I hate those things. All my friends are going to Dan’s  house. Let me go, too?” “No, we think you should show support  for your sister. The whole family is going. And we already  decided this. You can go to Dan’s house anytime!” “This is  not fair! All my friends are going to Dan’s house and you  are making me go to this stupid concert. Can’t I go to Dan’s  instead?” “No, I said.” “You stink! You are the worst dad.  You are the only one not letting me go. You never let me do  what I want. You are so unfair.” “I let you go with your  friends all the time but this concert is important to your  sister.” “Well, it isn’t important to me. I want to go to  Dan’s house!” “Now you are sounding spoiled.” “I’m not spoiled  and I wouldn’t sound this way if you let me go this once.”  “This once – you are always over at Dan’s house.” “I haven’t  been there in three days. Besides, you are the only parent who  isn’t allowing their son to go. All my friends will be there.  Don’t be so unfair.” “No, you can’t go. I am not being unfair.  I give you a lot. I just think you are too spoiled.” “I’m not  spoiled. I just think you are the worst dad. You stink! I  hate you.” . . ..

How do arguments degenerate into name-calling? How can we,  parents, learn to get out of arguments quickly? How can we win?

  1.  Be sure of your decision. Before getting into an argument  with your child make sure you are willing to make your  “NO” answer stand. Children argue with us when we  are saying “no” to something they want. The time for  discussion is before your decision. But once you say “no”  it must stand. Get all the input and information you need  before you make your decision.
  2. In order to end an argument with your child, you must  recognize that you, the parent must end it. Your child  will never stop the argument. They will go on forever and  throw any name or any fault of yours into it. You must  plan on ending the argument. They will not.
  3. It is important to stay focused on the first subject of  the argument. (In this case, whether he can go to a  friend’s house.) Kids will confuse you by changing the  subject. Your child will have you arguing whether you are  fair or not, whether you stink or not, or whether you ever  let them do anything or not! If you keep replying to each  new accusation you will be arguing forever. Just keep  repeating your first answer “NO”.
  4. Don’t correct their rudeness or name-calling during your  argument. It only perpetuates the argument. “Don’t call  me names.” “Well, I wouldn’t be calling names if you let  me go to a friends house.”
  5. Don’t correct bad behavior during an argument or  immediately after or else you will get the same response  as above. “I wouldn’t go stomping around slamming doors  if you let me go to a friends house.”
  6. If they want to mope around after an argument, let them  mope. If you try to fix their mood, you will pay for it.  Let their mood fizzle away over time. By following these rules you will be called names and hear  slamming doors and see moods fizzle. But most importantly  you will see arguments ending with you on the winning side.  You can do it! Here’s to victorious parents now and in the  future.
Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Empowering Our Kids To Succeed

Our children naturally express uncertainty in  themselves at various times during their childhood. We see  this when a kindergarten child appears worried in the first  few days of school or when a child is hesitant in their  first swim class. We may even see it in our “A” students  who come up with bellyaches. The immediate response from  most parents is to express sincere concern. Naturally, we  don’t want our children to be unhappy at school or afraid  to swim or fear failure. This can set up an interesting  dynamic between parent and child. By expressing  uncertainty, a child actually is asking a question to their  parents. Their uncertainty is natural and as parents we  should expect our children to express uncertainty in  themselves in new and old experiences. What they are  really doing is asking the parent, “Should I be worried?”  In a majority of cases there isn’t a cause for concern.  Kindergartens are safe and nurturing. Swim programs know  how to bring kids along at their pace; and “A” students  usually don’t flunk. It is interesting that in the dynamic  between child and parent, our reaction to our children’s  concern may actually decrease their success. If our child  is asking, “Should I be concerned?” and a parent expresses  undue worry, then the child may see the parent giving  credit to their uncertainty. The child may then become  more concerned instead of more relaxed. If we don’t  respond to their uncertainty by giving it too much  credence, we can actually empower our children to succeed  over their natural uncertainty. So how can parents face  these normal, natural, and common expressions of  uncertainty that come from our children?

First, you should always express confidence in your  children’s ability to face typical childhood challenges  such as new school years, camps and basic lessons. They  need to meet these challenges and few are hurt in the  trying.

Over time parents need to make a realistic assessment  of their child’s skills. It is not helpful for a father to  be pushing a child through baseball even though the child  keeps getting hit in the head trying to catch a ball.  There is an activity for everyone but finding one that  truly fits your child’s skills is the real trick of  parenting.

Expect them to succeed in their skilled areas. Have  faith in them once they have demonstrated skill and  interest.

Be clear on your expectations. Uphold the value in  always trying your best and always reward good efforts!

We should expect uncertainty from our children even in  areas that they are skilled in. Remember, even straight  “A” students experience uncertainty in their ability to  maintain good grades.

Don’t be overly sympathetic to feelings of  uncertainty, but express confidence and encourage their  effort.

Have faith that other adults who act as surrogates for  you will tell you if your child’s concerns are valid.  Engage them in dialogue on the side and get an objective  look at the situation. If they do not have any concerns,  both adults can work together to encourage your child to  succeed.

We have opportunities to empower our kids to succeed  when they, as children, naturally question their own  abilities. In fact, they are looking to simply see whether  we have faith in them. When they feel our faith, they  succeed.