Category Archives: Teen

Behavior, Community, Pre-Teen, Teen, Toddler

Tips for Managing Screen Time

Maybe I am harping on this a little too much. But I do not think so. I believe that screens are detrimental to the healthy development of human brains. It seems that the American Academy of Pediatrics agress with me. But too my surprise, it seems that a lot of parents agree too. In a recent article in the NY Times, Bruce Feiler surveyed parents about what they do about their kids screen time. He found that the majority of parents have rules governing their kids screens. Here sre some of the things he learned in his survey of parents and some of my suggestions added in.

 

  1. Parents need to be examples and put their phones down. More and more we are all becoming addicted to our screens.
  2. Delay getting a first phone until kids really need it. You may need your child to get a phone by the time they are in middle school for communication needs. But it does not have to be a smart phone. It can be a dumb phone to call and text only.
  3. When your child gets a phone or tablet, set up strict rules for them. No internet during the school week, and only 1 hour a day of screen time! Set up a contract and monitor use from the start. Yes, you will be a mean parent but you will be in the majority with other parents.
  4. Homework needs to be safeguarded. Yes, more homework is online. But other communication and apps need to be limited to decrease distraction. Have kids do homework in common areas. Check in on them. Your presence turns off cheating on rules. And no social media during homework time.
  5. No phone use 1 hour before bedtime. Screen use has been shown to hinder normal sleep patterns. Also communication through texting interrupts sleep. Check phones into a common charge area at night so phones are charged for daytime when you need to communicate.
  6. Make rules for teens that they must answer your calls or texts within three tries. The excuse about not having reception is no excuse. You need to be able to reach them.
  7. Meal times should be screen free times. Eat together and talk.
  8. Limit social media accounts. Younger kids do not need facebook, snapchat and other accounts. Each account drains time from your child. Use a common ipad for their accounts so you can monitor what is going on.
  9. Punish kids with device removal. Check in regularly. Adjust house rules as you need to. Read some random texts. Read them aloud to embarass them. These are ways to have some control of what they do in this open arena we call the internet.
  10. Family time is very important. Interaction is the only antidote to screen time. Have game nights. Cook together.  Get outdoors together. Have parent-child date nights. Any fun you can have without the screens is good fun and interactive fun.
  11. Don’t give up the fight. Screens are a privilege for kids to have not a right for them to have. You have control and pay for the screens. Turn off your router if you must.         Good luck!
Age Group, Pre-Teen, Teen, Toddler

Screen Time is Mean Time

Years ago a number of pediatricians and I spoke about kids getting heavier. After years of observing this trend, research showed that indeed there was an “obesity epidemic”as  if we needed research to prove that. Also years ago, I met with a number of child psychiatrists at a meeting and we discussed our respective literature to see if we had seen anything written about electronic media driving kids toward ADHD, anxiety, and depression. At the time we had not seen any such research even though we all felt that to be true. Now we have the research and the support and new guidelines.

 

Missed during the end of this raucous election cycle is the recent recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics for screen time for kids of all ages. The recommendations are more strict than before based on some scary information. There is little doubt that parents are not even close regarding the use of screens in rearing their children. And I find it an uphill battle whenever I talk about it. But there are important things to recognize before you lay your child in front of your phone or ipad.

 

First it is very important to think about our children’s brains and how they develop. Interaction with live three dimensional people is critical at any age even teenagers. Babies learn to smile in response to faces. Speech is taught by speaking and reading to children. Teenagers learn to read emotion in faces by the end of high school only through seeing actual faces! Children learn right, wrong, sorrow, joy, disappointment and resilience through personal experiences. Nobody can deny any of these statements. Yet we work against these important developmental stages through the overuse of screens – and yes they are being overused by everyone including parents!

 

Starting with early childhood, parents with good intentions use electronics to try to teach their children. Many products have come out to support this parental desire. One problem exists with these products and TV shows. Under age two, there is no evidence that supports the notion that electronic games or TV shows help children under two develop. In fact, it is clear that young kids can operate an ipad, or sing along with a show theme, or even learn a word. However, it is not clear if this improves a child’s ability to interact. Even new words learned from a device may not be learned enough to use that word in their world. Ability to use an ipad is not a sign of improved intelligence at 20 months of age! This is why the AAP recommends no screens for children under 2.

 

Over age two, children may derive some benefit from educational TV, and educational computer programs. But that benefit is only realized if parents are involved with those shows and programs in order to reinforce the learning through ( you guessed it ) interaction. When parents reinforce the learning from a program by explaining what the child saw, and using what they learned, children actually learn the material. Without the follow through with interaction, children learn less of the material. Kids who learn through electronics and interaction together receive a benefit that can be recognized in kindergarten and first grade. Aside from that narrow perspective, TV shows and computer games have no benefit and can have detrimental effects. One of the key effects is teaching distractability and disturbing their ability to follow instructions. Both of those things are problems for school.  So the recommendation from the AAP is very limited ( 1 hour a day ) use of screen time for kids 2 to 5 years old and that screen time should be of educational content, and be supervised and reinforced by parents in order to be beneficial.

 

Now to the real fly in the soup. Parents that I know believe that school age and teenager screen use has gotten out of control. The American Academy of Pediatrics would agree. Being realistic, even schools are putting homework onto ipads and computer systems. So some screen time may be necessary. Some screen time is important to young adults in order to stay connected with friends. But there are extremes of use that are not good. We see more obesity that is tied to screen use. Our kids are sleeping less and are more tired. Social isolation is increasing with screen use. We even have a new psychiatric diagnosis called Internet Gaming Disorder where children and teens are addicted to gaming! And that is not all, we have more ADHD, anxiety, and depression that can be associated with screen overuse. I am convinced that fewer boys are going to college because of their screen use. The ratio of boys to girls in college has been steadily increasing in favor of girls for years and the boys that are going to college have lower scores than boys did in the past. We have not even talked about the antisocial behavior that is taught in games and online. Could our boys be taught attitudes about women in the games they play or sites they visit online? You bet! And should I even mention sexting? Or sex predators? If you want more information about how boys are affected by screen time among other issues check out the documentary “The Mask You Live In” on Netflix.

 

 

Screens are a new necessity in our lives. Parents can hardly put them down so how can we expect kids to? But we all need to put the screens down more. Every home should have some basic rules in place. Limit the time for non academic screen use. Turn off televisions when not in use. Avoid using media to calm your child. Monitor the content of your child’s TV and screen viewing. Keep TVs and other screens out of bedrooms. No screens  during meals one hour before bed. Develop your own Family Media Plan by checking out www.healthy children.org/MediaUsePlan . Children at all ages need to have their faces seeing other faces and interacting in order to develop and learn normally. This is so important and we are seeing the effects!  Screen time is mean time because it is bad for the development of our children. So please try and improve on your media use plans today. Thank you!

Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

What Worry Does

A recent report showed that ill people who know that many  people were worried about their illness actually did worse than  those who knew that few were worried about them.

All parents worry. But the extent that we worry may impact  our children negatively. When we worry we focus on the negative  and our children feel the focus. Subconsciously they gravitate  to actions that keep them as their parents’ preoccupation. We  can actually perpetuate problems in school or illness at home by  setting up that expectation. Worry is often based on irrational  unrealistic fears. But those fears may control our feelings  toward our children’s problem. If children don’t feel the  confidence from their parents that they will get better, they  tend not to heal as fast. Likewise, in school if kids don’t  feel their parent’s support and confidence they don’t succeed in  school as easily.

Our children respond to us from the attention we give and  the control we grant them. If their behavior (I stink at  spelling, or I have a headache) gets the parent’s attention and  controls the parent’s response it may become a behavior that is  fostered to continue. These behaviors may not be positive for  the child in any other way except for the subconscious attention  it draws to him. Headaches, stomachaches, emotional outbursts,  and even less than optimal school performance may pull us into  the same trap that temper tantrums do. (Certainly, many  illnesses, school problems, and emotional outbursts need serious  attention. Usually, in these cases, there are more objective  signs that teachers, doctors, or even parents can see that  support the need for addressing the child’s problem.)

So how can we avoid this negative spiral? Parents need to  always temper how much attention they are paying to a problem.  Too much attention may perpetuate any problem. We also have to  measure how much a problem is controlling the household – the  discussions, the actions, and, yes, even the worry a problem is  causing. Get an objective opinion whether the problem is worth  all the concern. Set a positive course to fix the problem and  then have faith and confidence in the resolution. The more we  can move away from preoccupation and worry to action and  confidence, the more we can get away from any traps that  attention and control can draw us into. If problems are real  and worth more concern, you will get another chance to reassess  your action.

Many of today’s parents tell me that their parents always  blew off their illnesses when they were kids. “Oh you’ll be  fine – just take some Tylenol. Your headache will go away.”  Some people criticize their parents for being too insensitive.  Maybe they had it partially correct – they didn’t get too  worried and we didn’t get too much attention for mild illnesses.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Why Yelling Doesn’t Work

I use to be a yeller. Yes, even pediatricians yell at their kids. But I have reformed and yell much less now  then in the beginning of my parenting career. Over time, I  saw what my yelling really was doing. It created fear. It  intimidated my children, even my kids who were not the  target of my yelling. It created tension between me and my  wife and my kids. I always felt bad after yelling. And,  most important, it didn’t work to convince my kids to my  point of view. In fact, it often backfired and made my  children back into the trenches of verbal warfare and work  hard to hold their positions. As I contemplated the issue  of yelling in context of my overall parenting philosophy, I  realized that there were good reasons why yelling wasn’t  working.

In my philosophy of parenting, children often behave  in ways that work toward two goals – getting attention from  their parents and controlling their parent’s response.  These two factors become more of a motivation for children  in moments of conflict with parents. Children know we have  more power in decision making especially regarding  purchases, transportation and finances. But that doesn’t  mean they cannot exert some power by controlling our  response by pushing us in arguments to the point of  yelling. How powerful is it for children to “push our  buttons” enough to see a parent have a temper tantrum? And  since they are the focus of the attention (even though it  is negative attention) they are receiving a second victory  especially over their siblings who are not the focus of  attention. So, when I was in a yelling fit with my child,  I was actually falling into a subtle trap set for me by my  child and feeding some subconscious need. So I needed to  change my tactics.

I set goals for myself to see how many days, weeks and  months I can go without yelling. It takes a lot of  practice. It is natural for our kids to want to argue with  us. And they do not want to end an argument. As a result,  if we become committed to the ending of arguments, then we  may avoid getting to the point of yelling. We can end  arguments sooner if we stick with our initial answer and  refuse to engage any further in discussion no matter what  else is said!!

The other time parents yell is when children won’t do  things we ask them to do. The same motivational factors  for children to push us to yelling exist in this situation.

So it is possible to create a life free of yelling.  You may come up with your own tricks. But now that you  know that yelling doesn’t work, you may want to try  something new. Hopefully, my tips will motivate you to try  a new approach before you let your kids see more of your  temper tantrums.

Community, Cultural Influences, Pre-Teen, Teen, Values and Morals

Whatever Happened To Sportsmanship

I am a sports fan and enjoy watching games like many  Americans. In October, I was thrilled when the Red Sox won  the World Series. I am enjoying the Patriots season, and am  interested in how the Celtics can rebuild. As I revel in  Boston’s great sports world, I have become very concerned  about the environment and what we are teaching kids about  sportsmanship.

Just think about the images of sportsmanship that were  on display in the last six months. During the playoffs and  World Series we saw objects thrown onto the field, police  in riot gear lining the stands, overzealous celebrations  leading to burning cars and a couple of deaths. No sooner  do we turn the page on that season when we witness NBA  players fighting with fans during a game. These are the  images that come to mind when you get away from the idea of  who won and focus just on sportsmanship.

We may want to rationalize our thoughts about  sportsmanship. I have heard phrases like, “well, a series  with the Yankees is always like that” or “what do you  expect, we haven’t won in 86 years” or “there always have  been bad examples of sportsmanship”.

But think about sportsmanship even at the high school  level. I have been embarrassed by some of the behavior of  parents in the stands at some high school games. We have  had murders caused by our “friendly” competitions between  rival towns. And on the field, some players have not  learned how to be good sports. Where can our children get  good examples of sportsmanship? How can we teach our kids  sportsmanship so the next generation of fans won’t be worse  than this one? Here are some suggestions.

1. Increase access to “pick up” games. These are games  where kids decide on the teams and referee themselves.  It is in these settings that kids have to set the  rules, be fair, and respect each player for their  worth. Perhaps some “leagues” should serve this role.  Get the coaches and parents out of the way and let the  kids learn through this valuable learning tool – pick  up games.

2. Parents and coaches need to recognize the diversity  of skills. Our culture of focusing on star players  demonstrates an overemphasis of personal athletic  prowess versus team play. All players should have a  role on the team. After all, that is how the Red Sox  and Patriots have won their championships!

3. Point out, criticize and punish displays of poor  sportsmanship – even by star players. Have the player  sit out a game. There should be clear rules for  sportsmanship on every team at every level. And those  rules need to be enforced. Many high schools have  players read and sign a sportsmanship pledge. Parents  should read it and agree to it as well.

4. Recognize, praise, and encourage displays of good  sportsmanship. Everyone likes it when you see an  opposing player help their opponent off the ground.  Good sportsman should receive high praise and rewards  at the end of every season.

5. Parents – Be Cool. Cheer your child on. But get  over the idea that your child’s accomplishments are a  reflection on you. Their accomplishments are theirs  – not yours. They don’t need to have extra pressure  from you to keep their level of accomplishment high.  They don’t need a second “coach” in the stands. It is  your child’s game to succeed or fail in. Be there to  share the joys or the sorrows. But please keep it in  perspective. It is their game not yours. Overzealous  parents are an embarrassment to the player and the  team.

6. Parents and coaches need to remember that it is only  a game. How we act towards the sport is the greatest  way for our children to learn sportsmanship.

7. Emphasize sportsmanship especially with rivalries.  I love the fact that we can have “United We Stand”  bumper stickers on our cars but don’t take this to  heart when our children are playing a rival town. We  all need to keep a perspective that we are united  despite having a rivalry. If both sides work on it we  could keep all rivalries “friendly”.

8. Competition is valuable. It teaches our kids to work  hard and earn what they receive. But sportsmanship is  more important than competition. Because if we don’t  learn sportsmanship, we as a society will never learn  to embrace peace.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen, Toddler

What Our Reactions Teach Our Children

You are spending a beautiful day at a park with your kids. While fixing a zipper on your older child’s jacket,  your toddler falls on a walkway. Apparently unhurt by the  fall, you see your two year old on the ground peering  around for you. Another mother helps him to his feet and  he smiles up at the friendly woman. Then he catches your  eye and bursts into tears as if hurt. Is he hurt? Has he  learned to cry with falls? Is he expressing emotion to  test your reaction?

This is a small example of how our reactions can teach  our children behaviors. Parenting is an interactive  process. Both parent and child may develop behaviors in  response to the others reaction. When a child first falls,  we may react with worry and concern about injury. We may  run to the child’s aid most often to discover minor  scrapes. Nonetheless the child cries – perhaps not with  injury but responding to our reaction of fear for injury.  Thus a pattern of behavior for both parent and child begins  mostly due to our reaction.

This is not about falls. Certainly some falls can be  hurtful and need sympathy but a grand majority are not.  The point is that children can subconsciously manipulate  our behavior patterns just as we can subconsciously  manipulate their behavior patterns. This can happen in  many areas. Food battles often occur as children wait for  their choice of food to arrive while watching a parent  worry over their refusal to eat. Bed times can be delayed  as children use fears to make us come for multiple curtain  calls. Sometimes kids know how to put on a face or an  emotion that pulls on our heartstrings and gets them the  reaction they want from us. Some kids learn to get  attention from parents by behaving badly. They establish a  pattern early and learn to get parent’s reactions to bad  behavior.

So what are parent’s to do? How do we measure our  reactions? How do we analyze what we are doing that is  resulting in behavior patterns we don’t like in our kids  and in ourselves? These questions are what make parenting  one of the most introspective experiences in our lifetimes.

Think for a moment about some areas of parenting where  you react strongly. Ask yourself a few questions. Do you  have some unrealistic fears that make you react to your  children? Are you afraid they will starve? Do you worry  about them getting hurt? Do you think our kids can’t  manage without you? What is so important in situations  that make you react strongly? What assumptions are you  making? Do these assumptions make sense? Or are they  false assumptions drawn from your history or heritage?

Do you take everything your child does as a reflection  of you as a parent? Do you respond to your children in an  effort to control them? What children do is a reflection  of them not you. And as much as you try to control them  they will have to assume control of themselves for  themselves.

Answer these questions for yourself. Recognize why  you have strong reactions to some of your children’s  behaviors. If we can understand our reactions and where  they come from, we can start to temper our emotions in  different situations. You will see your children  responding less in behavior and tempering themselves as a  result. As we control ourselves, many times our kids will  become better in behavior. It seems so basic but is very  difficult to see and understand when you are in the midst  of battles. It just seems to happen that the more self  aware parents are, the more self aware their children will  become.

Behavior, Community, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

What Is Praise, Anyway?

In our country we have developed a culture where rewards come too easily. I have seen children’s sport  leagues where everyone gets a trophy. I have heard of  birthday parties where siblings got “birthday” presents so  their feelings weren’t hurt even though it wasn’t their  birthday! So how can children get real praise and  recognition for their true skills in this culture of  ubiquitous rewards? If rewards come so easily, how can  children get a true sense of themselves and what they are  good at? We live in the “age of don’t disappoint”. As a  result we are raising children of excess. Whether they  earn it or not they receive it. Whether it is their turn  for recognition or not they get it. So in this world of  ubiquitous reward and recognition, what is true praise?  When is it deserved? What should we be trying to achieve  for our children with praise, recognition and rewards? In  other words, what is praise anyway?

Praise is something said to another in recognition for  a true skill, or achievement that comes from that  individual’s ability. It is important for children to hear  praise because it supports them in building an identity  around their true skills. When praise works well in young  childhood we see the development of confident individuals  who have a good sense of their skills. They feel good  about themselves and know what parts of their inner being  they should value. So how can parents work towards giving  their children truly deserved praise?

Parents need to be keen observers of their children.  All children are different and have different skills. It  is important for parents to have openness towards their  children to hear and see their individual skills. It is  amazing what kids show us when they know there is an open  acceptance of their ability.

Open observation needs to be combined with acute  perception of what they really enjoy doing. We tend to  pigeon hole boys (and now girls) into certain sports and  girls into cheering or dance. But, especially in younger  years we need to look for what brings a flicker to their  eyes or a joy to their hearts. Young kids need to be  exposed to different areas that include singing, music,  dance and arts. It is sad but true that school programs  won’t be enough to bring out these interests in children.

We need to recognize our children’s accomplishments –  even relatively small ones. Showing courage and overcoming  a fear, showing poise, or even controlling negative  reactions all need acknowledgement from parents.

We must allow for periods of disappointment. We  shouldn’t falsely bolster a talent or interest where there  isn’t any. This can set up a harmful dynamic where  children keep participating in an activity just to please  the parent. If a child has the drive for that area of  interest, they will naturally overcome disappointment. In  either case, children need to sort out their feelings over  effort, interest, achievement and failure.

Once we see their true interest, we need to help  provide opportunities to foster that interest. We can’t  necessarily assume that opportunities to use their skills  will present themselves. Some skills will be developed in  school and play. Others need to have specific activities  in order to develop their talent. Lessons, teams and even  hobbies serve the purpose of skill development outside of  school.

Through all of this, children need praise for both  general achievements and specific skills. Getting off to  school on time, helping around the house or even taking  care of a pet needs praise. Everyone is capable of these.  But acknowledgement of your child’s contribution is  important. Specific praise is needed in areas of  particular skill. “Boy you are great at building with  legos” or “You are great at organizing things with your  friends.” These kind of comments let children know that  you are noticing them for their skills and for who they are.

Parents need to think positive. We tend to emphasize  the negative and correct our kids too often. Kids need  praise from us. It is important to their growth in  character. With a little effort we can learn to be keen  observers and give our kids genuine praise. With that our  kids may still live in a world of excess but at least they  will learn what is of value to them as individuals.

Community, Cultural Influences, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen

Tough Times for Teens and Their Parents

When I do workshops for parents of teenagers I see many shaking heads when I say, “it is a tough time to be a teenager!” Everyone in the audience recognizes this  statement as fact. Few adults can picture growing up as a teen now. School demands  are higher. It is harder to get into college. College costs add a burden. A high school  diploma doesn’t help your career very much. And now, with the economic crisis, the  future looks tougher still. There is only one thing tougher than being a teenager, and that  is being a parent of one!

Teens are exposed to so much so early that they seem to be growing up too fast.  Media-We know the risks that they may encounter but it seems that they do not. We  worry for them. And the freedoms that they demand from us so early make it difficult for  us to stay in control. How are we to parent our teens today? Where else can we turn?

Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Tips On Parenting Your Adolescent

As parents, we grow with our children. But that growth hits a stumbling block when we reach the teen years. Then our usually compliant son or daughter changes and  the challenges begin. All of a sudden there are challenges to your commands. They  want to be the boss. They want more independence and you’re not ready to give it. They  want to be with friends more than family. They are very self centered and private and  they seem to thrive on arguments. Does this description fit your teen? Then maybe some  information and tips would be helpful to you and your family.

It is important to remember the stages that teens go through in early adolescence  (usually somewhere between 11 and 15 years) teens start thinking more critically. This is  the time of questioning and challenging. It is as if the teen is saying “so these were the  values I was brought up with, but are they valid?” The next stage is middle adolescence  where teens want to try some values out for themselves. Now they are saying – “ok  those are your values but I’m going to try some for myself.” Obviously, this is the  experimental time. It is usually between 14 and 16. It is a very scary time for parents.  But take heart through this time. It is important to keep your standards and restrictions in  place and weather through this time. Because sooner or later comes Late Adolescence.  This is where parents can breathe easier. In Late Adolescence, teens usually “come back  home” to the values they were brought up with. It is this time where they start being  more responsible and thinking more about their future.

So how do we, as parents, deal with our teens as they go through these stages?  Well here are some key do’s and don’t for raising an adolescent.

1. Respect.

It is important for their ego development that you respect them. It is natural for  them to disrespect you at times – nevertheless it is important that you continue to  respect them! You will command their respect more if you recognize that they are as  human as you and I. They are going through the rougher part of this transition. They  need you to respect their opinion, their space, and their privacy.

2. Continue to set limits.

Respecting them is not the same as relinquishing all control. They need (and  sometimes want) limits. It is ok for these limits to be negotiated at appropriate times.

3. Praise is important.

Never in their lives do they need to know what you approve of more than now.  Make a point to notice the positives and voice them. But in voicing them don’t let  it become negative comment, (i.e. now that’s what I like not like when you . . . .).  Just be simple – “I like it when you . . . .”

4. Don’t be critical.

Make corrections simply and clearly. Don’t overcorrect, lecture, embarrass,  belittle, shame or blame your teen. They understand simple corrections.

5. Be a good example.

Do as I say not as I do does not wash with teens. It might just be the time for a  parent to stop smoking and/or drinking. It is amazing how much respect this can  earn from teenagers.

6. Listen when they want to talk and make time to listen.

Be active in listening. Repeat statements. Nod your head. Ask clarifying  questions. Don’t give solutions. Just listen. Let them figure it out in your  presence.

7. Don’t over-advise your teen.

It is time for them to figure things out. They need to learn some things by  experience. I know – this can be scary!!

8. Get out of arguments quickly.

Say your peace and stop. The argument is the temper tantrum of the teenager.  They’ll keep you arguing forever and it never stays on the same topic. If you turn  away and stop, they fizzle out.

9. No matter what – stay involved.

Kids with involved parents grow up to be better  adults. Witness your teen’s interests. You don’t have to love it. You don’t have  to learn to skateboard too! But it’s not a bad idea to see what he or she has to  show you!

Take heart. They are all children. Show them you care. Show them some love and they  usually do well.

Some reading for parents:

Get out of my life but first can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall.   By Anthony Wolf

You and Your Adolescent  A Parents Guide for ages 10-20. By Steinberg & Levine

Good Luck,

Brian G. Orr, M.D.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen

Talking To Your Teen? Try Writing!

Many books recommend talking to your teen. Have you  tried doing that? First of all, family life is so busy  that having a settled moment to talk is hard to find.  Second, if your teen will break himself or herself for a  moment from his ipod, cell phone, or computer, it is  usually just to “yes” you or roll their eyes at you. But a  new way of communicating might be an old way. Try writing.

Little notes can be left on the door of their room, on  their backpack or on their pillows. We can use “post-its”  for little reminders and for prodding to get chores done.  But those big conversations we would love to have might  take something else called a letter. Have you ever thought  of putting down on paper any concerns you have about your  teen son or daughter? Have you thought about writing a  letter to your teen about how much you love them and care  for them? Maybe it’s time to try it. Here is what you  might want to say.

Dear son or daughter. I care for you so much that I  worry about you. I want so much for you that I think more about your future then you do. I understand that you are  growing and maturing at your own rate. And I also  understand that I want you to mature faster than you are  ready. This puts us at odds and causes us to argue at  times. Anytime I say something, you take it as pressure  even when I am talking with concern for you.

You need to understand that it is hard to be a parent  of a teenager. I still remember rocking you to sleep,  catching you from falling, and holding your hand to cross  the street. I’ve saved your life at least 100 times and  now you don’t want me to anymore. You want to try  everything yourself. I understand that but it is hard for me.

You see, I can see your potential but I also know the  dangers you face. Yes, I know they have talked about drugs  and sex and smoking at school. But now there are new drugs  like Ecstasy, new sex they call “hooking up” and “friends  with benefits”, and new risks like gambling that aren’t  covered in school. In fact, risks are taken by teens  whether they are covered in school or not. Almost weekly  teens die in car accidents caused by the same old drug I  used – alcohol. Shrines go up by the roadsides and I pray  I won’t be putting one up for you. Even “good” kids make  mistakes. And now, at your age, mistakes have big  consequences. So while I worry, you roll your eyes and  feel invincible. Nothing is going to happen to you, of  course. Yet things do happen – even to football captains,  even to “A” students, even to popular kids or unpopular  kids.

So I want to ask you to think about some things.  First and foremost know that I love you and care a whole  lot about you and your life. You are special to me and it  would be torture to live the rest of my life without you.  I don’t always tell you these things because of the way you  might respond. And our family life is often too busy to  stop and tell each other these facts. So we live on with  assumptions only. But if you are to assume one thing,  assume that I would still hold your hand or catch you from  falling – I still care that much about you.

With that as your first assumption, then when you are  exerting your independence and want to take some risks,  take small risks. Take care of yourself. Be safe – not  because something will happen to you – but because there  are people caring about you.

Take your time setting your goals – but set them. I  don’t value you for nothing. I can see your budding  skills. Set a course for your life that uses your skills.  Value yourself and do well. Certainly I will be proud but  I will also know that your achievements are yours alone and  not mine to claim.

There may be areas where I have been a less than  perfect parent. Maybe I yelled at you to much. Or maybe I  hurt your feelings by being overly critical. Please  forgive me!! You won’t see how difficult it is to be a  parent for years to come. But it is easy to make mistakes  when your motivation is protecting, encouraging, and  motivating someone you love.

Finally, I will work hard at supporting you. I do  recognize that everyone makes mistakes. You will too. I  will be there to help you recover from your mistakes. It  might be hard for us at the beginning. I’ll try not to  lecture or say “I told you so”. I will try to remember  that you have to try things out for yourself. But if you  are not seeing your own value and caring enough for  yourself, I will be angry because I want you to value  yourself as much as I value you.

There! I said what I wanted to say. I have a lot  more to say – like don’t drink and drive, don’t smoke, be  careful with sex, don’t get hooked on gambling, those new  drugs are not safe and . . . but those things you have  heard before. And I have to let go a little. And I might  have to trust that because I value you, you might value  yourself. Take care. Love Mom or Dad or both.

Don’t let me put words on your paper for you. Write  your own letter. Personalize it to your child and any  specific concerns you have. Put it in a private place but  make sure they read it. And find a moment to ask them  about it. Teens can be difficult to communicate with. We  need to use all avenues available to us to make sure we say  what we need to say.