Category Archives: Parenting Tips

Baby, Behavior, Infant, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Toddler

In Their Faces

A one month old looks passively around the exam room and finally meets my eyes. He stops and stares with wonder.  He found something he enjoys looking at – an oval face.

A two month old takes a shorter time to search the room and  find my face. He doesn’t just stare, he smiles and coos –  as if he has things in his head to say but doesn’t know how  to get the words out.

A four month old looks right at me and smiles and coos.  Sometimes he screeches out loud to get my attention. He  doesn’t want me to talk to his mother he wants my total  attention.

At six months of age, a baby looks at me with a frown at  first. He tries to judge my emotion. If I turn to him and  frown, I could make him cry. But I never do that. I know  what he is looking for. As I go over to the exam table I  smile widely. My little friend responds with a beaming  smile and a gurgle.

It gets harder at nine months because at that age they  don’t like any smiling faces, they prefer the faces they  know and love – mom and dads. But that’s okay with me  because as they cry in response to me in the office at  nine months of age, I take comfort in knowing they are  developing well.

I am so lucky to have a job where every week I get to  experience babies. I love to see the changes in their  responses to me as they develop.

Watching children develop is such a joy. I never tire of  seeing it happen. It is something we should all enjoy and  take interest in.

The development in children in the first five years is  absolutely fascinating. They start with responding to  faces with smiles and coos. They progress to knowing their  parent’s faces and preferring those faces to others. They  start learning words in order to interact better. They  fear strangers yet act like the world is theirs to explore  When not getting their way with the world, they start  having temper fits. But as language and understanding  improve the fits go away and sharing begins. Through  sharing and interaction more words and language come. And  when learning more about that language a fascinating world  of the alphabet, letters and labels becomes awakened.  Before we know it, our child is ready for kindergarten.

The first years of our children’s lives are precious  because of this amazing development that occurs. Ninety  percent of their brain development occurs in those first  five years. But they cannot develop alone. This is why  we need to pay attention to our children. They need us  because they can only develop in these vital years through  interaction with us. We need to remember to turn off the  distractions – the TV’s, the movies, the computers – and  stay in our babies’ faces. By being “in their faces” they  develop the skills they need to interact. And by being  in our children’s faces we get to witness it all unfold.  Parents shouldn’t forget this lesson just because our kids  get older. Almost at any age our children can learn from  us. In order to do that they need to interact with us.  This is what family time should be all about – interacting  and watching them grow before our eyes.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

How to Stop Spoiling your Children

After traveling to developing countries and back, I am left with the impression that  American children seem to get everything they want. Two major news companies have  published reports about how children are dominating their parents. Even marketing  efforts have targeted children to influence big family purchases such as cars and  vacations. How do our children get so spoiled and what can we do about it?

There are two ways to spoil children. One way is to give anything and everything  they want. The other is by giving the child all the attention all the time – even when  they don’t deserve it. In both ways of spoiling, children learn to manipulate people.  They learn to get things or attention even without earning it. Spoiled children become  self centered and interested only in self satisfaction. They get fleeting satisfaction from  new things or by controlling the attention from their parents but never are truly happy or  satisfied. But there are ways to fight spoiling.

Parents need to distinguish between our children’s needs versus their wants. We  mistakenly give into our children’s desires thinking they can’t do without those things  they want. But they can!! Kids can actually get by with very little. I know. I have seen  it in action in the orphanage in Honduras. The orphanage director, my friend, Richard,  says that kids actually do better with the less “stuff” so long as they have food, shelter,  clothing and love. Obviously, our kids are exposed to so much it is natural to want things.  It is just important to know they don’t need everything that “everyone else gets”. Kids  really don’t need much to be happy.

If your child wants you to buy them everything, decrease exposure to advertising.  Throw away newspaper inserts and decrease exposure to TV commercials. Saying “no”  more often to their requests will decrease their demands on you over time.

If you have the monetary means to buy your children everything – don’t. Give  your child a way to earn things. Let them obtain enough by their own effort to buy things  for themselves. At least they will learn about earning and making good and bad  purchases.

Some children are spoiled by dominating their family’s attention. This manner of  spoiling promotes behaviors such as whining, tantruming and crying to get their way.  Parents need to learn that you don’t have to own every emotion your child throws at  you. Let them have their emotion and behavior after expressing some understanding. If  parents can learn to face behavior and emotion without giving substantial attention, their  children will learn to deal with these situations without dominating the attention and,  therefore, without being spoiled. Put more simply, whining, tantrums and crying to get  their way should never work for children.

Our children need to grow in environments that foster understanding of the world,  development of a good work ethic and a decreased sense of entitlement. These lessons  can only come if our children grow up without being spoiled. It is with spoiling that our  children grow up thinking that the world revolves around them. We must teach kids what  they can contribute to the world instead of what the world should be giving to them.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Toddler

How Should We Handle a Crying Child?

Much attention has been given to handling a crying baby. But what about a crying child. I have heard people deal with crying children in inappropriate ways. I hear  phrases like “Stop your crying!” That phrase never helps. Other phrases are tossed around such as “If you don’t stop crying you’ll really get it!” Or finally I often hear, “Oh  just take it, you crybaby?”

When our children are babies we often have solutions  for crying. As children get older we become frustrated with our lack of control of our child’s cry. We can no  longer just feed, rock or console our child out of crying. Yet we want them to stop their crying. It is just human  nature to want crying to stop. But should our desire to  stop the crying govern our actions? Of course not. Everyone needs to realize the natural tendency to do, say  or give things to make crying stop. But we should refrain from doing those things. How should we respond to a crying  child?

First we must ask why the child is crying. Did they  miss out on getting something? Is there a disappointment they are facing? Were they physically hurt? Are they  angry? Emotionally hurt by a friend? We are the adults.  We can usually figure out why someone is crying. And if we  figure it out, we should explain that to the child so they  understand why they are crying.

Then we should put that reason for crying in  perspective. “Your hurt (pain) will go away. We all get  disappointed at times. Your friend hurt your feelings and  that is hard for anybody.” With this we can help with some  physical touch, pats on the back or hugs – whichever is  appropriate. By explaining the “Why” of the hurt and just  being there we have expressed understanding and empathy.  That is what a crying child needs.

The crying may not end after that but our job is not  to stop the crying. We need to squash that natural desire  to just get the crying over with! Many times we need to  let them cry. We should not excuse it. (Oh he’s just  tired). That dismisses any true emotion there is. We  should not reward it. (An ice cream will stop that crying.)

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Honesty, Fairness, Humilty And Forgiveness

Honesty, fairness, humility and forgiveness are intimately entwined together in parenting. It is difficult to teach one without the others. Almost all of these are taught by  parents by example. Children see how you treat others and observe this carefully. If you  want an honest, fair, humble and forgiving child, let them see you do it. These qualities  are marks of maturity and are hard for many of us to be consistent with. I believe these  make parenting a very introspective process. Are we honest? Fair? Humble? Are we  sharing these qualities with our children? Do we cheat and are we pleased with  ourselves? Are we out for ourselves or do we grant others a fair share? Do we think we  are better than others or are we “only human”? Are others always at fault deserving  criticism or are we forgiving of others’ mistakes? Are these questions difficult? Do we  naturally believe we are honest humble and forgiving?

To answer these questions think of daily occurrences. Let’s say you find a watch.

In traffic, someone wants to move into your lane. Are you gracious in allowing  the move or do you begrudgingly give up the space? Do you curse or criticize the other  driver?

Someone cuts you off in traffic. Do you call names? Are “stupid” and “idiot”  part of your vocabulary? Are you a better driver than everyone else?

You act out in anger towards your children in an inappropriate manner. Do you  later apologize? Do you ever admit fault?

Kids are very perceptive. They watch how we drive and even more how we  interact with others. They watch to see how fair we are. They question constantly if we  are fair to them. How we are “fair” to our kids varies with age, circumstance and level of  maturity and is subject to interpretation – that is another whole subject for another  column.

Kids watch to see if we are able to admit when we are wrong. They see if we are  able to admit we made a mistake. This takes maturity and humility on our part. Parents  who view apologies as a sign of weakness are still horribly immature. How can we be  viewed by our children as honest if we cannot be honest about our own mistakes and  admit them? And if we are wrong and apologize, don’t we expect forgiveness. Of  course we do. Conversely, we need to act properly and forgiving others as well.

Honesty, fairness, humility and forgiveness – such important lessons. These  complex lessons are taught in daily scenes at home and in public. They are taught by  example. They are taught by practicing them. They are taught by parents taking an  honest look at themselves and how they treat others. These are actions that involve love  and respect for all people and demonstrating that daily in our actions.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Help for Parents of Twins

Wow! The number of twins we see these days! They are so adorable in their twin outfits, twin stroller and twin beds.  But, we don’t see all the work involved with twins when we see  them strolled through a store. Twins are a lot of work. How  can parents of twins handle things better at home? And what can  others do to help?

I asked these questions to several parents of twins and  they gave me their thoughts. First of all, many twins are more  likely to be born early. But this is ok. Most do very well in  the special care nursery. The first couple of weeks in the  hospital can give you more time to get ready at home. You can  get rested and recovered before having full responsibility for  your twins. Just recognize that it can be an emotional time  having newborns and can be disappointing that they don’t come  home with you. Their time in the special care nursery is very  important to their ultimate well being upon discharge. Don’t  push it. Let those wonderful people in special care get your  twins healthy and ready for your care at home. And remember  they may not be ready to go home at the same time.

If you, as the mother, had a C-section delivery, make sure  you have help at home. You need to recover and will need help  with the twins. Fathers can take time off and may use the  Family Medical Leave Act to get extra time.

Any family with twins needs extra hands at home. Use in-
laws, friends and other relatives to cook you meals, do your  shopping and clean your home. Swallow your pride and accept the  help. There is no badge for being macho about handling twins by  yourself. Your family members who are there to help, cook meals  and clean and do menial tasks. The parents need the time with  the twins. Everyone expects to help families by helping with  “the twins”. By doing other things at home you are helping the  twins and by keeping more hands off the twins you are helping  the twins. Let the parents, especially the mother, care for the  twins. Helpers should help support her work but not take it over.

Older children need extra support. Friends and family  members can really help here. Older children often get lost in  the shuffle between twin diaper changes. They need some  involvement but they also need some time with parents and others  giving them some special time.

With the newborn twins, try to keep things simple and  convenient. If one gets hungry, try to feed them both. It will  be best over time to get them on the same schedule. Keep their  beds and changing areas close to your bed. Late night changes  will be easier.

Most importantly, recognize that you’ll probably get half  of what you want to get done done. Don’t sweat it. Relax. Be  flexible.

At the same time be vocal. If you have too much help and  too many visitors, politely say so. Tell people to freeze a  meal for you and send it over next week so they have a way to  help without being in your way. Conversely, if you don’t have  enough help, call people. Families with twins, triplets and  other “multiples” need to have hands around the house. If you  don’t have enough, call in-laws or friends and have someone stay  for a while.

As the twins grow, make sure people know who is who. Refer  to them by their names. Tell people about their individual  skills and attributes. Take pictures together and separate.  Twins tend to be raised as an item. People ask, how are the  twins? Rather than how are John and Jake? From the beginning  these kids will have individual personalities and people need to  recognize their individuality.

Twins are great. They are adorable. They are challenging.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Having Faith & Letting Go

There are a million times in the life of a parent where one  needs to have faith, let go and allow your children to do it  themselves. It seems so easy and logical. Well, of course, we  have to let our kids do it themselves. But, when we are going  through the issues our children face, we often want to do it for  them. It could be the first time they are trying to sleep by  themselves, or the first day of kindergarten. Perhaps, it is when  they are having some battles with their peers during grade school.  Or maybe the day you see them walking off to high school with a  backpack bigger then they are. The first year of college can be  tough to witness – their bravado as high school seniors reduced  to an uncertain wide-eyed freshman once again. The first time on  stage we worry if they can remember all their lines. These are  just a few of life’s examples of when we, the parents, can’t do it  for them – but wish we could.

Sometimes we get drawn into doing it for them as much as we  can. We help with their projects, practice their lines, push them  through college applications, and prep them for their driving  tests. We linger in kindergarten classes and hover over them to  “help” get their homework done. It is scary for parents to “let  go”. We want so much for our children to succeed that many times  we do it for them and coddle them through rough times. But do we  really help or do we hinder?

The amazing thing about children is that they grow and  mature. Many obstacles they face in their lives are timed to  coincide with their maturing process. We may not think they are  ready for the new challenge but they rise to the occasion. We  may receive comments about them. “Susie did great in that school  play last week.” “Congrats on John’s acceptance to Stanford. You  must be proud.” Even though you sweated through the learning of  the lines or getting the applications in on time, they did it and  truly with little help from you. There are so many times in our  lives as parents when we need to have faith and let go. By  having faith and letting go kids feel our belief in them. They  sense the confidence we have in them (even though we don’t feel  it absolutely). Time and again our kids show the world and us  what they are capable of. We need to be there for their rise and  boost them when they fall. Watch them mature. When you get a  compliment about them, pass it on to them. The compliment is  theirs not yours. They need to get the praise they deserve.  Tell them how proud you are of what they accomplish. That will  give them the boost they need for their next challenge.

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Handling the Aggresive Child

You bring your child to the playground and before too long you see him push another boy to get his turn at a steering wheel. You scold him but minutes later he pulls  a swing away from another child and pushes his way onto the swing. So you leave. On  other play dates you feel like you have to constantly police him from moment to moment  turns of aggression. You feel that your child is the bully of the group. What can you do?

It often takes parents by surprise that their child could be so aggressive. But  aggressive personalities exist in adults and children. We really shouldn’t be surprised by  natural aggressiveness in children. The real question is what to do about it.

Some aggressiveness in children is good. Aggressiveness in young children may  turn into determination in school or sports later on. Children especially boys are  naturally competitive. Young children do not know how to channel this competitiveness  with fairness. Fairness and equity has to be learned. We shouldn’t try to squash  aggressiveness. It needs direction and fine tuning.

Once we accept aggressiveness as natural we have a better perspective to guide  children. We cannot change their personalities. When we try, they fight it and we get  frustrated. What we can do is supply times, areas, and games that allow aggressiveness.  We need to correct them regularly for times that they are inappropriate. During those  times they may need to be pulled aside and isolated from the group or the play area.

If children are aggressive toward themselves by pulling their own hair, banging  their head or stomping their feet, ignore them. Don’t call undue attention to these  relatively mild forms of self aggression. However, if self aggression gets too harmful  with cuts, bruises, and other injuries seek some help or advice from a professional.

If your child smashes inanimate objects or throws things, take those away. He  may need to have a corner or another space to act out his aggression. He may need a  punching bag or a small trampoline to pound on. Showing a child what he can do with  his aggressiveness helps him channel those feelings.

Some kids need to have activities that help them express aggression. Many  different sports help children do this. The rules of the sport become a microcosm of the  world. So long as children have good sportsmanship role models (which can be hard to  come by sometimes) over time children learn what level of aggression is accepted  “within the rules of the game”. This can then transfer to the rules of life as well.

Patience is required. Perseverance is required as well. It takes both to teach  aggressive kids to be fair and appropriate. Young children will take years to have full  understanding of the rules.

Of course if a child is persistently aggressive in inappropriate places especially  outside the family with classmates or teammates, perhaps seeking help would be  advisable. But for most children aggressive behavior can be channeled into a virtue over  time. It all depends on whether they allow their aggressiveness to be managed and  directed or not.

Behavior, Diseases and Conditions, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Handling the Anxious Child

“Mom, could that happen to me?” “Could I get asthma?” “Will you die next after grandpa?” “Will you be there when I  get out of school today?” How much reassuring can a mother do?  Why do some kids get more anxious and worried than others?

Anxious worried children exist. Of course, our  sensationalized news media does not help. But some kids are by  nature worriers. How can parents help?

First, it is important to recognize that some worry is  good. Everyone who succeeds in life succeeds because of their  ability to overcome worry to accomplish what they need to do.  People, who don’t worry, don’t push themselves to “fix” the  worry. Some level of “worry” is necessary in life unless you  don’t care about anything. (I have greater concern for those  who don’t care!)

Nevertheless, too much worry is not good. It causes stress  – that causes health issues. We can be so overcome with worry  that we become dysfunctional. So we do need to control our  anxieties and worries. What about your child worrier?

The first question is whether the worry is functional or  not? Is he or she succeeding in school? Is he or she passing  his worry off to you alone or do teachers and coaches see his  anxiety as well? If your child is doing well, you can probably  relax about his worries. If your child’s worries interfere with  school performance or his interaction with teachers and coaches,  seek some help. But the majority of kids don’t fall in this  category.

Most little worriers are just that. They worry. They  always have worried. And they will worry in the future. So  long as they continue to function well you won’t change that.  However, you can help decrease exposure to scary movies and  scary news. There is no reason to increase their reasons for  worry. Secondly, a lot of children just lack confidence. They  feel uncertain so they question how outside forces will affect  them. Much of their worries are questions and not real worries.

When we take on our child’s concern as part of a parent’s  package of worries, kids worry more. That’s right. By worrying  about our child’s worry we make them worry more. This is not  fair to us as well as them. “You do very well in school. I am  sure you will do your best on the math test.” “You may not be  the quarterback, but with your skill, there will be a place on  the team for you.” “Grandma was older and suffered her  illnesses for a long time. I’m afraid you’ll be stuck with me  for a while.” Off hand easy confident phrases work wonders for  kids. Some comedy helps too. But leave their worries for them.

Baby, Diseases and Conditions, Family, Infant, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Teen, Toddler

Good News About Vaccines

For the past several years I have found myself on the defensive over a very fundamental treatment I provide as a pediatrician. I have been giving children vaccines according to the American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines for 22 years. But in recent years there has been a backlash against the very vaccines we use to prevent known serious illnesses. As a response to this backlash I built a file of articles that supported the use and defended against supposed side effects of the vaccines. In recent days there has been great news about vaccines to add to my file. The news is they are safe and do not cause autism.

In the late nineties two events stoked the fires of skepticism about vaccines. First, in 1998, a well known British medical journal, the Lancet, published a report based on work of thirteen prominent physicians stating that the MMR vaccine was associated with autism. A storm of controversy over the use of the MMR vaccine followed. The second event in the late nineties that caused a furor was the removal of thimerosal from vaccines. Thimerosal, a preservative used in vaccines, contains mercury. It has never been shown to be a health hazard. However, because of the potential for buildup of mercury in the body, it was prudent to remove thimerosal from vaccines. This was done on a voluntary basis by the manufacturers. Just that move caused speculation that vaccine manufacturers were hiding something. Further speculation followed that thimerosal was associated with autism – with no medical evidence proving it.

Through the early part of this decade, scientists and lay people have battled on both sides of the argument. Advocates for parents of autistic children questioned the MMR and thimerosal link while doctors and researchers tried to study the association. Now, within the past two months two news reports help clarify the reality.

First, in April, ten of the original thirteen investigators who published the link between the MMR vaccine and autism retracted their conclusions. It was revealed that the study, which was funded by lawyers who focus on vaccine damage cases, was markedly flawed. The original study that served as a basis for legal cases involving the MMR vaccine around the globe was biased. The lead investigators in the study are currently under legal investigation for conflict of interest.

A second story about vaccines came out in May 04. The Institute of Medicine released a report by its thirteen member panel saying that there was “little credible evidence that thimerosal was associated with autism“. Autism is a complex and difficult problem for parents and children. I know many autistic children and their families. There is still no clear explanation for autism. I wish there was. But at least we can learn some lessons from these two reports.

These two reports are of great value to physicians who promote vaccines for kids. The first report about the authors of the Lancet article takes the wind out of the sails of the MMR – autism relationship. It had been viewed with skepticism and was never supported by other research. But now to have the original authors retract their opinions makes the original article meaningless. Coupled with research disproving the MMR autism association we can now put this speculation to rest.

The thimerosal argument was piggybacked onto the MMR argument for those who wanted to link vaccines to autism. But with “no credible evidence” for such a link we can now be doubly reassured that vaccines have no connection with autism.

The general public never sees the illnesses we seek to prevent with vaccines. The illnesses are awful and often deadly. It is one of the miracles of medicine that we have vaccines for our children. Due to vaccines far fewer children need respirators, spinal taps, intravenous medicines, hospitalizations, ER visits, and intensive care unit treatments. We see far fewer cases of meningitis than we saw even 10 years ago. And in our lifetime – we will see polio eliminated worldwide because of vaccines.

So when I give immunizations to children these days, because of the recent news, I give them with renewed confidence that they are the most valuable preventative care treatments I give to children. I feel so lucky to have them. Now, I just hope more people can be reassured about their safety.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Getting Your Child to do Chores

Wouldn’t it be nice if one Saturday, you wake up and your kids say to you, “Mom, can we do chores today?” Then  as you sit happily sipping coffee and reading the newspaper your kids clean their rooms whistling while they work.  Even the bathrooms and mud hall get cleaned! This  obviously is a scene from a fantasy movie. It will never  happen in your home or mine.

It must be one of the most universally dreadful of all parenting jobs to try to get your kids to do chores. You  dread it. Kids resist and resent it. And after hours of pushing the issue, you end up doing most of it yourself.  There must be an easier way!

Well, there isn’t. (I should end the article here,  but I’ll add a few tips.) Children do need chores. They need to accept some responsibility for maintaining your home. Chores should be age appropriate for your children and should increase with age. Certainly write them down and post them on your ever expanding refrigerator billboard. But those are the basics we all know.

The biggest secret to getting chores done is that kids need us to do things for them. That gives us leverage to  have them do things for us. So, to get chores done, try these suggestions.

On chore day, stop serving your kids until the jobs are done. Respond to no requests, demands or inquiries. Stick to this. Keep on them about their chores but use  your presence rather then your voice. Accept less then perfect performance at the beginning but expect improvement over time. Teach them what you expect. Be persistent about having chores and getting them done. They will never like it. They will always grumble. Don’t grumble back.  Remember they are very uncomfortable with your silence.

If you can distance yourself from their grumbling,  persist in the chore demand, resist any of their requests  and pester them with your presence instead of your words, you might get a chore or two out of those lazy leeches you  call your children! If not, send them to my house and I’ll put them to work.