Our children naturally express uncertainty in themselves at various times during their childhood. We see this when a kindergarten child appears worried in the first few days of school or when a child is hesitant in their first swim class. We may even see it in our “A” students who come up with bellyaches. The immediate response from most parents is to express sincere concern. Naturally, we don’t want our children to be unhappy at school or afraid to swim or fear failure. This can set up an interesting dynamic between parent and child. By expressing uncertainty, a child actually is asking a question to their parents. Their uncertainty is natural and as parents we should expect our children to express uncertainty in themselves in new and old experiences. What they are really doing is asking the parent, “Should I be worried?” In a majority of cases there isn’t a cause for concern. Kindergartens are safe and nurturing. Swim programs know how to bring kids along at their pace; and “A” students usually don’t flunk. It is interesting that in the dynamic between child and parent, our reaction to our children’s concern may actually decrease their success. If our child is asking, “Should I be concerned?” and a parent expresses undue worry, then the child may see the parent giving credit to their uncertainty. The child may then become more concerned instead of more relaxed. If we don’t respond to their uncertainty by giving it too much credence, we can actually empower our children to succeed over their natural uncertainty. So how can parents face these normal, natural, and common expressions of uncertainty that come from our children?
First, you should always express confidence in your children’s ability to face typical childhood challenges such as new school years, camps and basic lessons. They need to meet these challenges and few are hurt in the trying.
Over time parents need to make a realistic assessment of their child’s skills. It is not helpful for a father to be pushing a child through baseball even though the child keeps getting hit in the head trying to catch a ball. There is an activity for everyone but finding one that truly fits your child’s skills is the real trick of parenting.
Expect them to succeed in their skilled areas. Have faith in them once they have demonstrated skill and interest.
Be clear on your expectations. Uphold the value in always trying your best and always reward good efforts!
We should expect uncertainty from our children even in areas that they are skilled in. Remember, even straight “A” students experience uncertainty in their ability to maintain good grades.
Don’t be overly sympathetic to feelings of uncertainty, but express confidence and encourage their effort.
Have faith that other adults who act as surrogates for you will tell you if your child’s concerns are valid. Engage them in dialogue on the side and get an objective look at the situation. If they do not have any concerns, both adults can work together to encourage your child to succeed.
We have opportunities to empower our kids to succeed when they, as children, naturally question their own abilities. In fact, they are looking to simply see whether we have faith in them. When they feel our faith, they succeed.