So you are expecting your second child. Of course you want to prepare your older child who is probably one or older. You show them your growing belly. You let them feel some movement. Perhaps they even see the baby on the ultrasound “TV” screen. You hope that involving them will prepare them. But will they be prepared? What do they really expect when you’re expecting? Do they expect a playmate or a baby?
Naturally involving your children in changing family events is important. It is just difficult to make them fully understand the coming of a newborn into your house. No matter how involved or prepared they are, they will have some adjusting to do once the baby comes home.
At first, when your older child sees the new baby, there is a time of awe. It is not unlike the awe we have as parents. Could this little being really have come from mommy’s belly? This awe period may be short. It may involve a questioning of “what next?” And with that wonder, they may have some fear. As a result they may want to be close to one or the other parent.
After a short time, children get a sense of pride along with the rest of the family that they “have a new baby”. With that sense of pride comes a protectiveness or a possessiveness of the new baby. Your child may react badly to others outside the immediate family when they hold the baby. They may need reassurance that their baby is still theirs and won’t be taken away.
Even after witnessing some protectiveness, and knowing that rarely do older children intentionally hurt their younger newborn sibling, you cannot trust your older child around the baby. They may get angry at the newborn and want the baby “put back”. They can strike out or even “accidentally” hurt the newborn. Though you need to protect the newborn, you do not want to ostracize your older child. He or she still needs to be involved. Give them a role. They can be guardian of a blanket or fetcher of the new diaper.
Some older children see the new baby and realize in their self centered world that the baby is actually no threat to them and their kingdom or queendom. These perceptive children may be more interested in the hospital bed going up and down than in the newborn. They may remain oblivious to the baby but as a result may want the same amount of attention from you as before the baby was born. Of course, this can be frustrating and impossible to do. Give them what attention you or your spouse can. You may see them act out in negative ways to get your attention. Don’t give the negative behavior undue attention. Try to complement and praise good behavior and minimize attention to the negative acting out behaviors.
Some children challenge their parents after a newborn comes just to see if the rules at home are the same. A big mistake parents make is being too lenient. Older children actually feel more secure to know that the rules of the house are the same – bedtime is bedtime, there is no hitting allowed, and you can’t throw food on the floor. Once older siblings discover that the home with a new baby has the same rules as when the home didn’t have a baby, they back down from challenging the rules so much.
Many times the real challenges with the new life with two children come when the new child becomes more of an equal of sorts to their older toddler. Once the older child sees the new child walking and talking he may then see his younger sibling as a threat. Now his toys and his space might be invaded by the cruising little monster. The older child does need his or her space. And their toys may truly be unsafe for the younger child. Parents need to respect this space for the older child and not push “sharing” too soon. Remember your cruising one year old won’t understand sharing at all. One year olds think the world is theirs. Over time the older child, who has their “space” supported and secured with the help of the parents protection, will come to feel secure and be able to open up to the younger sibling on their terms. And sharing can then be taught.
Parents need to play a balance between two young siblings. The tendency is to put too much pressure on the older to be the sharer, the accepter, and the more mature playmate. It is best to respect the older and not take sides favoring the younger sibling. Kids perceive fairness and practice that amongst themselves over time. Recognize that young siblings will have conflict. This is a challenge. Use separation when necessary. Limit blame. Accept the conflict as natural. Be fair, balanced and even tempered. Over time your kids will learn to be fair and balanced to each other. Eventually your older child will have the playmate they always wanted.