Category Archives: Psychology

Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

What Worry Does

A recent report showed that ill people who know that many  people were worried about their illness actually did worse than  those who knew that few were worried about them.

All parents worry. But the extent that we worry may impact  our children negatively. When we worry we focus on the negative  and our children feel the focus. Subconsciously they gravitate  to actions that keep them as their parents’ preoccupation. We  can actually perpetuate problems in school or illness at home by  setting up that expectation. Worry is often based on irrational  unrealistic fears. But those fears may control our feelings  toward our children’s problem. If children don’t feel the  confidence from their parents that they will get better, they  tend not to heal as fast. Likewise, in school if kids don’t  feel their parent’s support and confidence they don’t succeed in  school as easily.

Our children respond to us from the attention we give and  the control we grant them. If their behavior (I stink at  spelling, or I have a headache) gets the parent’s attention and  controls the parent’s response it may become a behavior that is  fostered to continue. These behaviors may not be positive for  the child in any other way except for the subconscious attention  it draws to him. Headaches, stomachaches, emotional outbursts,  and even less than optimal school performance may pull us into  the same trap that temper tantrums do. (Certainly, many  illnesses, school problems, and emotional outbursts need serious  attention. Usually, in these cases, there are more objective  signs that teachers, doctors, or even parents can see that  support the need for addressing the child’s problem.)

So how can we avoid this negative spiral? Parents need to  always temper how much attention they are paying to a problem.  Too much attention may perpetuate any problem. We also have to  measure how much a problem is controlling the household – the  discussions, the actions, and, yes, even the worry a problem is  causing. Get an objective opinion whether the problem is worth  all the concern. Set a positive course to fix the problem and  then have faith and confidence in the resolution. The more we  can move away from preoccupation and worry to action and  confidence, the more we can get away from any traps that  attention and control can draw us into. If problems are real  and worth more concern, you will get another chance to reassess  your action.

Many of today’s parents tell me that their parents always  blew off their illnesses when they were kids. “Oh you’ll be  fine – just take some Tylenol. Your headache will go away.”  Some people criticize their parents for being too insensitive.  Maybe they had it partially correct – they didn’t get too  worried and we didn’t get too much attention for mild illnesses.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Why Yelling Doesn’t Work

I use to be a yeller. Yes, even pediatricians yell at their kids. But I have reformed and yell much less now  then in the beginning of my parenting career. Over time, I  saw what my yelling really was doing. It created fear. It  intimidated my children, even my kids who were not the  target of my yelling. It created tension between me and my  wife and my kids. I always felt bad after yelling. And,  most important, it didn’t work to convince my kids to my  point of view. In fact, it often backfired and made my  children back into the trenches of verbal warfare and work  hard to hold their positions. As I contemplated the issue  of yelling in context of my overall parenting philosophy, I  realized that there were good reasons why yelling wasn’t  working.

In my philosophy of parenting, children often behave  in ways that work toward two goals – getting attention from  their parents and controlling their parent’s response.  These two factors become more of a motivation for children  in moments of conflict with parents. Children know we have  more power in decision making especially regarding  purchases, transportation and finances. But that doesn’t  mean they cannot exert some power by controlling our  response by pushing us in arguments to the point of  yelling. How powerful is it for children to “push our  buttons” enough to see a parent have a temper tantrum? And  since they are the focus of the attention (even though it  is negative attention) they are receiving a second victory  especially over their siblings who are not the focus of  attention. So, when I was in a yelling fit with my child,  I was actually falling into a subtle trap set for me by my  child and feeding some subconscious need. So I needed to  change my tactics.

I set goals for myself to see how many days, weeks and  months I can go without yelling. It takes a lot of  practice. It is natural for our kids to want to argue with  us. And they do not want to end an argument. As a result,  if we become committed to the ending of arguments, then we  may avoid getting to the point of yelling. We can end  arguments sooner if we stick with our initial answer and  refuse to engage any further in discussion no matter what  else is said!!

The other time parents yell is when children won’t do  things we ask them to do. The same motivational factors  for children to push us to yelling exist in this situation.

So it is possible to create a life free of yelling.  You may come up with your own tricks. But now that you  know that yelling doesn’t work, you may want to try  something new. Hopefully, my tips will motivate you to try  a new approach before you let your kids see more of your  temper tantrums.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Why Ask Why?

Why do you always have temper fits when you don’t get your way? Why do you whine to me after school? Why do you  always complain about dinners? Why do you always fight with  your sister? Why do all parents ask these questions?

These questions are an expression of frustration by  parents over behavior exhibited by our children. We as  parents all fall into the trap of asking these questions  whether they serve a purpose or not. Do these questions  ever get answered? No they do not. These questions can be  demeaning and labeling for children. That is how children  feel when they hear these questions. They are labeled as a  fighter, whiner, or complainer. Just in the asking of  these questions the child is criticized and treated as one  who is acting as a child should not act. Perhaps they  should not act that way but changing that behavior takes  time. When parents accept their children’s behavior as  natural, and accept their behavior as action that all  children try with their parents, then parents can forget  the “why” questions and move towards more appropriate  responses to the behavior. The “why” questions only expose  a parent who is not accepting their children acting as all  our children act.

How can we better deal with frustrating moments with  our children? How can we reach a place where we can be  more accepting of how our children act towards us?

First we need to be accepting of the fact that in our  role as parent we will face children acting in childish  ways. All parents face similar behaviors. All children  try the same behaviors on for size. As a parent we will  encounter whining, complaining, tantrums, accidents and  other childish acts that we cannot control. Many parents  spend valuable time asking “why do I have to face this  behavior in my child?” Why waste time asking “why”? If  we can function at a higher level by accepting our kids as  kids, their developmental level and their childish acts  then we are ready to respond better. Yes, all parents must  accept that their children will act in very embarrassing  and childish ways.

Don’t take me wrong. Acceptance of your child’s  behavior does not mean giving in to every whim. Part of  acceptance is educating yourself about your role and how  you can better respond to your kids. Acceptance gives you  a place from which you can act without fighting the reality  of your situation. Acceptance gets you over the why  questions and moves you towards “how do I respond”  questions. This is where you have control. This is where  you can decide how to act, ignore, or give fair consequence  to your children’s behaviors. Acceptance gets you over the  anger brought on with “why” questions and lets you treat  your children with greater kindness. You no longer act in  condemning ways but with a more fair response to your  child’s manner.

Why questions make a child question themselves. Your  acceptance of them gives them more leeway to accept  themselves. Children that grow up with less questioning  and less condemnation grow up liking themselves and turn  into confident people. It is purely for that reason that  acceptance of your children’s behaviors is important to you  in your life as a parent and to your children in their life  as a child. After acceptance, remember that it is your  responses to your child’s behavior that can make the  behavior better. From a place of acceptance a parent is in  a more peaceful position to choose a response that teaches  their child how they should or should not behave.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen, Toddler

What Our Reactions Teach Our Children

You are spending a beautiful day at a park with your kids. While fixing a zipper on your older child’s jacket,  your toddler falls on a walkway. Apparently unhurt by the  fall, you see your two year old on the ground peering  around for you. Another mother helps him to his feet and  he smiles up at the friendly woman. Then he catches your  eye and bursts into tears as if hurt. Is he hurt? Has he  learned to cry with falls? Is he expressing emotion to  test your reaction?

This is a small example of how our reactions can teach  our children behaviors. Parenting is an interactive  process. Both parent and child may develop behaviors in  response to the others reaction. When a child first falls,  we may react with worry and concern about injury. We may  run to the child’s aid most often to discover minor  scrapes. Nonetheless the child cries – perhaps not with  injury but responding to our reaction of fear for injury.  Thus a pattern of behavior for both parent and child begins  mostly due to our reaction.

This is not about falls. Certainly some falls can be  hurtful and need sympathy but a grand majority are not.  The point is that children can subconsciously manipulate  our behavior patterns just as we can subconsciously  manipulate their behavior patterns. This can happen in  many areas. Food battles often occur as children wait for  their choice of food to arrive while watching a parent  worry over their refusal to eat. Bed times can be delayed  as children use fears to make us come for multiple curtain  calls. Sometimes kids know how to put on a face or an  emotion that pulls on our heartstrings and gets them the  reaction they want from us. Some kids learn to get  attention from parents by behaving badly. They establish a  pattern early and learn to get parent’s reactions to bad  behavior.

So what are parent’s to do? How do we measure our  reactions? How do we analyze what we are doing that is  resulting in behavior patterns we don’t like in our kids  and in ourselves? These questions are what make parenting  one of the most introspective experiences in our lifetimes.

Think for a moment about some areas of parenting where  you react strongly. Ask yourself a few questions. Do you  have some unrealistic fears that make you react to your  children? Are you afraid they will starve? Do you worry  about them getting hurt? Do you think our kids can’t  manage without you? What is so important in situations  that make you react strongly? What assumptions are you  making? Do these assumptions make sense? Or are they  false assumptions drawn from your history or heritage?

Do you take everything your child does as a reflection  of you as a parent? Do you respond to your children in an  effort to control them? What children do is a reflection  of them not you. And as much as you try to control them  they will have to assume control of themselves for  themselves.

Answer these questions for yourself. Recognize why  you have strong reactions to some of your children’s  behaviors. If we can understand our reactions and where  they come from, we can start to temper our emotions in  different situations. You will see your children  responding less in behavior and tempering themselves as a  result. As we control ourselves, many times our kids will  become better in behavior. It seems so basic but is very  difficult to see and understand when you are in the midst  of battles. It just seems to happen that the more self  aware parents are, the more self aware their children will  become.

Behavior, Community, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

What Is Praise, Anyway?

In our country we have developed a culture where rewards come too easily. I have seen children’s sport  leagues where everyone gets a trophy. I have heard of  birthday parties where siblings got “birthday” presents so  their feelings weren’t hurt even though it wasn’t their  birthday! So how can children get real praise and  recognition for their true skills in this culture of  ubiquitous rewards? If rewards come so easily, how can  children get a true sense of themselves and what they are  good at? We live in the “age of don’t disappoint”. As a  result we are raising children of excess. Whether they  earn it or not they receive it. Whether it is their turn  for recognition or not they get it. So in this world of  ubiquitous reward and recognition, what is true praise?  When is it deserved? What should we be trying to achieve  for our children with praise, recognition and rewards? In  other words, what is praise anyway?

Praise is something said to another in recognition for  a true skill, or achievement that comes from that  individual’s ability. It is important for children to hear  praise because it supports them in building an identity  around their true skills. When praise works well in young  childhood we see the development of confident individuals  who have a good sense of their skills. They feel good  about themselves and know what parts of their inner being  they should value. So how can parents work towards giving  their children truly deserved praise?

Parents need to be keen observers of their children.  All children are different and have different skills. It  is important for parents to have openness towards their  children to hear and see their individual skills. It is  amazing what kids show us when they know there is an open  acceptance of their ability.

Open observation needs to be combined with acute  perception of what they really enjoy doing. We tend to  pigeon hole boys (and now girls) into certain sports and  girls into cheering or dance. But, especially in younger  years we need to look for what brings a flicker to their  eyes or a joy to their hearts. Young kids need to be  exposed to different areas that include singing, music,  dance and arts. It is sad but true that school programs  won’t be enough to bring out these interests in children.

We need to recognize our children’s accomplishments –  even relatively small ones. Showing courage and overcoming  a fear, showing poise, or even controlling negative  reactions all need acknowledgement from parents.

We must allow for periods of disappointment. We  shouldn’t falsely bolster a talent or interest where there  isn’t any. This can set up a harmful dynamic where  children keep participating in an activity just to please  the parent. If a child has the drive for that area of  interest, they will naturally overcome disappointment. In  either case, children need to sort out their feelings over  effort, interest, achievement and failure.

Once we see their true interest, we need to help  provide opportunities to foster that interest. We can’t  necessarily assume that opportunities to use their skills  will present themselves. Some skills will be developed in  school and play. Others need to have specific activities  in order to develop their talent. Lessons, teams and even  hobbies serve the purpose of skill development outside of  school.

Through all of this, children need praise for both  general achievements and specific skills. Getting off to  school on time, helping around the house or even taking  care of a pet needs praise. Everyone is capable of these.  But acknowledgement of your child’s contribution is  important. Specific praise is needed in areas of  particular skill. “Boy you are great at building with  legos” or “You are great at organizing things with your  friends.” These kind of comments let children know that  you are noticing them for their skills and for who they are.

Parents need to think positive. We tend to emphasize  the negative and correct our kids too often. Kids need  praise from us. It is important to their growth in  character. With a little effort we can learn to be keen  observers and give our kids genuine praise. With that our  kids may still live in a world of excess but at least they  will learn what is of value to them as individuals.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Toddler

What Is a “Time-Out” Anyway

You’re in a supermarket and your kids get into  trouble. You warn them, “If you don’t stop you’re going  to get a “time-out” when we get home.” They don’t get  better so when you get home you enforce a “time-out”. You  direct them to respective chairs where they sit. They  say they are hungry. You tell them, “You’ll have to wait  until “time-out” is over.” You ask them what they want  for lunch. After you finish making their lunch you say  their “time-out” is over and they may come to eat. Was the  “time-out” effective? Did they learn anything? Did they  feel anything? What is a “time-out” and how do you give  one to your child?

A “time-out” is a period of isolation you purposely  give to your child where they do not get any attention from  you and they don’t control you. It doesn’t matter where  they are, or whether they have a “time-out” place. The  action is louder then words. The key points are personal  isolation and lack of control. Nobody is willing to  continue behavior that yields isolation and control of  nothing.

Let’s think about this a moment. What should a child  get for a positive behavior? If a child helps at the store  or cleans their room he or she receives praise and a  positive response from their parent. They receive  attention and control their parent’s response for that  moment. So what should children receive for a negative  behavior? Certainly not the same attention from the parent  and controlling their parent’s response! We should  consistently give negative behaviors a rapid response but  that response should involve little attention and a  controlled reaction from you. This is the reason “time-outs” are introduced as a tool for parents.

So when your child misbehaves, give them a quick  correction. Then isolate them with coldness. Don’t  respond to them at all. If you can’t ignore them where  they are (if they are screaming, crying or tantruming) then  put them someplace else or go somewhere else where you can  ignore them. During this entire time stay firm but in  control. Don’t let them control your response. You  control it. Through being isolated while you are in  control your children get just punishment for negative  behavior. Over time they will have no motivation for  continuing that behavior.

In the scenario I started with, the parent warned  about a “time-out” while in the store. But negative  behaviors need more immediate consequences. Then when  arriving at home, the “time-out” was really a peaceful  interactive time together while waiting for lunch. When  being punished kids need quick, stern correction followed  by a feeling of isolation from their parent while the  parent stays in control. A “time-out” is then properly  done. A “time-out” is not a thing to be warned about and  given to a child later. It is an action done rapidly  without warning after negative behaviors. As parents we  have a right to respond to behaviors that we do not want to  see. If ”time-outs” are done right, kids learn over time  that positive behaviors get a better response and naturally  gravitate towards them.

Community, Cultural Influences, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen

Tough Times for Teens and Their Parents

When I do workshops for parents of teenagers I see many shaking heads when I say, “it is a tough time to be a teenager!” Everyone in the audience recognizes this  statement as fact. Few adults can picture growing up as a teen now. School demands  are higher. It is harder to get into college. College costs add a burden. A high school  diploma doesn’t help your career very much. And now, with the economic crisis, the  future looks tougher still. There is only one thing tougher than being a teenager, and that  is being a parent of one!

Teens are exposed to so much so early that they seem to be growing up too fast.  Media-We know the risks that they may encounter but it seems that they do not. We  worry for them. And the freedoms that they demand from us so early make it difficult for  us to stay in control. How are we to parent our teens today? Where else can we turn?

Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Tips On Parenting Your Adolescent

As parents, we grow with our children. But that growth hits a stumbling block when we reach the teen years. Then our usually compliant son or daughter changes and  the challenges begin. All of a sudden there are challenges to your commands. They  want to be the boss. They want more independence and you’re not ready to give it. They  want to be with friends more than family. They are very self centered and private and  they seem to thrive on arguments. Does this description fit your teen? Then maybe some  information and tips would be helpful to you and your family.

It is important to remember the stages that teens go through in early adolescence  (usually somewhere between 11 and 15 years) teens start thinking more critically. This is  the time of questioning and challenging. It is as if the teen is saying “so these were the  values I was brought up with, but are they valid?” The next stage is middle adolescence  where teens want to try some values out for themselves. Now they are saying – “ok  those are your values but I’m going to try some for myself.” Obviously, this is the  experimental time. It is usually between 14 and 16. It is a very scary time for parents.  But take heart through this time. It is important to keep your standards and restrictions in  place and weather through this time. Because sooner or later comes Late Adolescence.  This is where parents can breathe easier. In Late Adolescence, teens usually “come back  home” to the values they were brought up with. It is this time where they start being  more responsible and thinking more about their future.

So how do we, as parents, deal with our teens as they go through these stages?  Well here are some key do’s and don’t for raising an adolescent.

1. Respect.

It is important for their ego development that you respect them. It is natural for  them to disrespect you at times – nevertheless it is important that you continue to  respect them! You will command their respect more if you recognize that they are as  human as you and I. They are going through the rougher part of this transition. They  need you to respect their opinion, their space, and their privacy.

2. Continue to set limits.

Respecting them is not the same as relinquishing all control. They need (and  sometimes want) limits. It is ok for these limits to be negotiated at appropriate times.

3. Praise is important.

Never in their lives do they need to know what you approve of more than now.  Make a point to notice the positives and voice them. But in voicing them don’t let  it become negative comment, (i.e. now that’s what I like not like when you . . . .).  Just be simple – “I like it when you . . . .”

4. Don’t be critical.

Make corrections simply and clearly. Don’t overcorrect, lecture, embarrass,  belittle, shame or blame your teen. They understand simple corrections.

5. Be a good example.

Do as I say not as I do does not wash with teens. It might just be the time for a  parent to stop smoking and/or drinking. It is amazing how much respect this can  earn from teenagers.

6. Listen when they want to talk and make time to listen.

Be active in listening. Repeat statements. Nod your head. Ask clarifying  questions. Don’t give solutions. Just listen. Let them figure it out in your  presence.

7. Don’t over-advise your teen.

It is time for them to figure things out. They need to learn some things by  experience. I know – this can be scary!!

8. Get out of arguments quickly.

Say your peace and stop. The argument is the temper tantrum of the teenager.  They’ll keep you arguing forever and it never stays on the same topic. If you turn  away and stop, they fizzle out.

9. No matter what – stay involved.

Kids with involved parents grow up to be better  adults. Witness your teen’s interests. You don’t have to love it. You don’t have  to learn to skateboard too! But it’s not a bad idea to see what he or she has to  show you!

Take heart. They are all children. Show them you care. Show them some love and they  usually do well.

Some reading for parents:

Get out of my life but first can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall.   By Anthony Wolf

You and Your Adolescent  A Parents Guide for ages 10-20. By Steinberg & Levine

Good Luck,

Brian G. Orr, M.D.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Toddler

The Overly Negative Parent

Stop it! Why are you always fidgeting? Don’t climb on that! Can’t you be still for a moment? Leave your nose  alone! Can’t you occupy yourself for a minute? Must you  look into everything? Don’t you know that’s not safe? Sit  here! Keep your hands to yourself!

We all have used these phrases at one time or another.

It’s easy to fall into negative parenting patterns.  The fact is that children don’t mind negative parenting in  the short run. Sometimes they are thriving in the  attention they get from you even if it is in correcting  their behavior. Many times children enjoy controlling you  and “pushing your buttons”. However, in the long run  negative patterns of interaction have detrimental effects  on children’s egos. They start to embody the thought that  they are a “bad” child that always needs correction.  Meanwhile parents often sense the negativity in the  relations with their children and don’t like it.  Intellectually we know it isn’t good for our children.  Most parents plan on giving their children the best. So it  is usually upsetting for us to fall into negativity in  parenting. There is great value in being able to recognize  when you or your spouse are in one of these patterns.  Recognition is the first step in changing this pattern.

Once you recognize a negative mode of parenting there  are steps you can take to get out of it. Start by turning  off the word faucet. Ignore your child instead of  constantly correcting them. If you need to correct them,  use action instead of words. A touch on the shoulder or  turning them to the right direction often works better than  words. Take moments to compliment your child. Thank them  for following your correction or instruction. Praise and  compliments can help turn the tide on negativism. Employ  praise daily. Look up short phrases and words that kids  like to hear like “wow”, “way to go”, “I like it when you…”

Try to understand your child’s developmental level.  Many kids need to explore, jump and run. Give them a space  and time to play with their developing skills. Stop asking  silly questions like “Why do you have to…?” or “Can’t you  just be still for a moment?” Children are made to move and  be curious. It is up to parents to be creative to let them  use their curiosity and energy.

Don’t get frustrated with your child’s need for  constant vigilance. For certain ages, keeping one eye on  your child is a requirement in parenting. Parents must  accept this role. It takes a long time for children to  become self sufficient and trustworthy.

Children want to call attention to themselves and to  push our buttons. These desires often pull us into a  negative swirl. We can get out of these by taking  appropriate steps. Through these steps we can help our  kids feel positive about themselves and we can feel  positive about our relationships with our children.

Baby, Behavior, Infant, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Toddler

The Emergence Of Permanence

Your nine month old wants an electric cord but you distract him with a stuffed animal and he takes the bait.  Even at one year of age distraction to another object  replaces a desired one. At fifteen months, your methods of  distraction to an object you favor over one your child  favors may take longer but still works. But by eighteen  months your child persists after the TV remote even though  you try to distract him with two or even three different  fun items. What has happened? Why was it easier to  distract your child to a new object at nine months to a  year of age but at fifteen to eighteen months your method  isn’t working?

The problem is not with your method. The problem is  with your child’s development. By eighteen months of age  your child has developed the idea of permanence.  Permanence is when your child knows the object you are  hiding behind your back is still in existence and is the  object they want. Before this age your child might  “forget” that the remote or the electric wire ever existed  once you hid it from them and introduced a new item. This  is an important piece of information for parents to  understand. Without knowledge of this many parents fall  into a trap.

The trap goes like this. We as parents are used to  using distraction for over a year to give a child something  else rather than something they want. But as a child  develops permanence and persists after the hidden remote,  parents often continue to try distracting them by offering  them bigger and better choices. The offers continue until  something that pleases the child is offered. If this  pattern continues then a child learns to persist and act  out and something good will come their way. Does this trap  sound familiar?

If parents of fifteen to eighteen month olds recognize  this risk of using distraction, they can avoid this trap  and avoid feeling like your child is ruling you by their  behavior. If your child starts persisting for an object  you don’t want him to have, get that object way out of  reach and out of sight. Your child will start acting out  in frustration and disappointment. You may try one or two  simple attempts at distraction but if they don’t work, stop  trying. Allow your child to experience disappointment  without a response from you. The child will learn to move  past this emotion in a very short time. They will learn  that you are in control and they can’t persist in behavior  to win something. This age is when children want what they  want but can’t have everything they want. Since they have  learned about permanence, it is time for them to learn  about disappointment.