You need to get something to wear for a weekend wedding. Despite your better judgment, you are with your kids while shopping. They start running around and going in and out of clothes racks. One hides. You can’t find him. Finally, he is found by another woman as he sits in the middle of a circular clothes rack. You are getting frustrated. “Can’t you be good? If you don’t stop it you will get a time out when we get home and no snack!” (Although you know they are hungry) Your children have pensive looks for three or four seconds. What they are thinking is this: We don’t know exactly what she means by “being good”. We are being good! And as for this threat, we bet she won’t carry it out by the time we get home. Ah what the heck, that’s a long time from now. We might as well be good while having fun. Having fun is good. So after the three to four seconds of thinking, they take off together and play in the clothes again. Now you re really frustrated. You yell, “Now that’s it. You are definitely getting a time out at home.” Your kids stop for a second, the same thoughts in their heads, and go on playing.
The problem with this scene is twofold. One problem is clarity of expectations. And the other is of consequence. A vague instruction like “be good” allows wide interpretation for children. They may always see themselves as good. After all, what is wrong about exploring an environment? Parents need to be specific about expectations. “You can’t run in here and I need to be able to see you”.
Secondly, there has to be clear and immediate consequence. “If you keep running and hiding, you will have to sit in the carriage or hold my hand.”
By clarifying the specific expectation, your children know how to want them to “be good”. And by having an immediate consequence that you can carry out, they know that you mean what you say.
By giving kids meaningless threats, you put yourself at odds with your children. By nature anyone who is put at odds with another feels challenged. Few people don’t accept the challenge. Therefore, by threatening your child you are almost asking them to misbehave. You are challenging them to “cross this line”. Threats are a useless tool to get your children to behave. Don’t bother with them. You are setting yourself up for failure.
Threats are also demeaning and authoritarian. They are an attempt by you to use fear to get your way. This is not constructive for your children in the long run. When children are given a clear framework within which they should operate (no running or hiding) and clear consequence of what happens when they go outside the framework (hold hands with you or put in a carriage), they use their intellect to make appropriate choices. As parents, this is what we want children to do over time – make appropriate choices for themselves.