Category Archives: Family

Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

What Worry Does

A recent report showed that ill people who know that many  people were worried about their illness actually did worse than  those who knew that few were worried about them.

All parents worry. But the extent that we worry may impact  our children negatively. When we worry we focus on the negative  and our children feel the focus. Subconsciously they gravitate  to actions that keep them as their parents’ preoccupation. We  can actually perpetuate problems in school or illness at home by  setting up that expectation. Worry is often based on irrational  unrealistic fears. But those fears may control our feelings  toward our children’s problem. If children don’t feel the  confidence from their parents that they will get better, they  tend not to heal as fast. Likewise, in school if kids don’t  feel their parent’s support and confidence they don’t succeed in  school as easily.

Our children respond to us from the attention we give and  the control we grant them. If their behavior (I stink at  spelling, or I have a headache) gets the parent’s attention and  controls the parent’s response it may become a behavior that is  fostered to continue. These behaviors may not be positive for  the child in any other way except for the subconscious attention  it draws to him. Headaches, stomachaches, emotional outbursts,  and even less than optimal school performance may pull us into  the same trap that temper tantrums do. (Certainly, many  illnesses, school problems, and emotional outbursts need serious  attention. Usually, in these cases, there are more objective  signs that teachers, doctors, or even parents can see that  support the need for addressing the child’s problem.)

So how can we avoid this negative spiral? Parents need to  always temper how much attention they are paying to a problem.  Too much attention may perpetuate any problem. We also have to  measure how much a problem is controlling the household – the  discussions, the actions, and, yes, even the worry a problem is  causing. Get an objective opinion whether the problem is worth  all the concern. Set a positive course to fix the problem and  then have faith and confidence in the resolution. The more we  can move away from preoccupation and worry to action and  confidence, the more we can get away from any traps that  attention and control can draw us into. If problems are real  and worth more concern, you will get another chance to reassess  your action.

Many of today’s parents tell me that their parents always  blew off their illnesses when they were kids. “Oh you’ll be  fine – just take some Tylenol. Your headache will go away.”  Some people criticize their parents for being too insensitive.  Maybe they had it partially correct – they didn’t get too  worried and we didn’t get too much attention for mild illnesses.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Why Yelling Doesn’t Work

I use to be a yeller. Yes, even pediatricians yell at their kids. But I have reformed and yell much less now  then in the beginning of my parenting career. Over time, I  saw what my yelling really was doing. It created fear. It  intimidated my children, even my kids who were not the  target of my yelling. It created tension between me and my  wife and my kids. I always felt bad after yelling. And,  most important, it didn’t work to convince my kids to my  point of view. In fact, it often backfired and made my  children back into the trenches of verbal warfare and work  hard to hold their positions. As I contemplated the issue  of yelling in context of my overall parenting philosophy, I  realized that there were good reasons why yelling wasn’t  working.

In my philosophy of parenting, children often behave  in ways that work toward two goals – getting attention from  their parents and controlling their parent’s response.  These two factors become more of a motivation for children  in moments of conflict with parents. Children know we have  more power in decision making especially regarding  purchases, transportation and finances. But that doesn’t  mean they cannot exert some power by controlling our  response by pushing us in arguments to the point of  yelling. How powerful is it for children to “push our  buttons” enough to see a parent have a temper tantrum? And  since they are the focus of the attention (even though it  is negative attention) they are receiving a second victory  especially over their siblings who are not the focus of  attention. So, when I was in a yelling fit with my child,  I was actually falling into a subtle trap set for me by my  child and feeding some subconscious need. So I needed to  change my tactics.

I set goals for myself to see how many days, weeks and  months I can go without yelling. It takes a lot of  practice. It is natural for our kids to want to argue with  us. And they do not want to end an argument. As a result,  if we become committed to the ending of arguments, then we  may avoid getting to the point of yelling. We can end  arguments sooner if we stick with our initial answer and  refuse to engage any further in discussion no matter what  else is said!!

The other time parents yell is when children won’t do  things we ask them to do. The same motivational factors  for children to push us to yelling exist in this situation.

So it is possible to create a life free of yelling.  You may come up with your own tricks. But now that you  know that yelling doesn’t work, you may want to try  something new. Hopefully, my tips will motivate you to try  a new approach before you let your kids see more of your  temper tantrums.

Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Values and Morals

Where Are Our Heroes?

Children look up to heroes. Young children look at fairy tale or fictitious heroes. Harry Potter, Superman, and Batman –  we can name hundreds of heroes in fiction. But as children  grow, they graduate to real heroes. These could be sports stars  or people in the news. This is a sad time for children since we  have so many fallen stars. Barry Bonds, the biggest home run  hero of our time, cheated by using steroids. An American  cyclist, Floyd Landis, came back to victory in the Tour de  France only to have his victory clouded under doping  allegations. Our President is usually an obvious choice of a  hero yet our last two Presidents failed our children. Clinton  is famous for his cheating on his wife and Bush made up reasons  for war and has made America famous for torture. Hollywood  props up movie stars as heroes but then we hear about their  drunk driving or their prejudicial remarks or both.  Unfortunately, there are only a few Tom Brady’s around. We hope  that our newly elected officials live up to there promises and  reputations, though we are losing faith.

Kids need heroes. But more importantly, they need adults  that they can look up to and respect. I once heard in a  parenting conference that what children need is an “influential  adult” outside their family who becomes their local hero. These  “influential adults” can be teachers, coaches, or community  leaders. They aren’t famous heroes because over time kids turn  away from their infatuation with distant heroes and turn their  attention to real tangible, respectable adults who are involved  in their lives. To that end, adults in every community need to  respond to this era of poor examples of heroes at the top. We  have to become the heroes on the bottom. Every adult in every  community needs to evaluate how he or she is demonstrating him  or herself as an example to young adults. What child will look  up to you as an “influential adult” in their lives? At home,  are you there for them or do you disappear too often to ensure  you have your fun? Do you provide examples of good community  work? Do you volunteer or donate time or money? Do you expect  returns for your good works or is it truly given like real  heroes do? Do you simply act in kindness so children see and  live kindness around you?

You can’t ask “what is happening with kids today?” without  asking what is happening to heroes for kids today? We, the  adults, can make a difference inside and outside of our homes.  We need to start in our small communities. Do good work in your  community. Donate time to worthwhile projects. Work with food  pantries, or help the elderly. Don’t expect praise but let your  children and other kids witness your good acts. Be kind. Live  a well-valued life – especially those of us that work with  children. If we start at home and in our communities we can be  heroes for our children. They need them. We can build a  community of “heroes” pitching in and helping each other. Maybe  over time local heroism will filter up to where we need them for  our children the most in the high visible places of our country.

Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips

What TV Teaches Our Kids

Have you ever wondered why your child can’t have their attention held for more than two minutes on anything but TV?

The answers to these questions may be “yes” and here  is the reason. In April 2004 the Journal of Pediatrics  published a report that said in short that children who  watch TV before age 2 (even “educational” TV) are more  prone to difficulties in paying attention then those kids  who do not watch TV. That’s not all.

There are many studies that demonstrate the negative  effects of TV and technology. Some studies show a tendency  towards more violent behavior and desensitization to  violence. Other studies show a decrease in helpful and  positive behaviors in kids. There is a link with obesity  and TV use. And still other studies show that heavy doses  of TV and technology decreases children’s ability to read  and decreases their grades in school.

Of course we have to ask “is there anything good about  TV?” Most parents tell me that, for a time, it gives  parents a rest. It occupies their children while parents  cook, shower, and do other chores. It is well known how TV  serves as short term babysitters for children across the  U.S. This “positive” aspect of TV should not be totally  discredited. Many parents need to use TV in this manner.  But, when weighing the positives and negatives of TV and  technology use, it is becoming very clear TV and technology  is bad for kids.

Knowing this, why is it that most American families  remain hooked to their screens? Well, there is speculation  that it is “habit forming” or “addictive”. Add that to the  list of negatives!

For the sake of our children we need a mass effort to  wake families up to the negative effects of TV and  technology. Schools need to initiate “Pull the Plug”  campaigns. Families need to have standards for screen use  at home. Here are some rules for families.

Minimize use of TV as a babysitter.

No TV for all children under 2 years old.

One hour of “screen time” per day or 7 hours total per  week. That “screen time” should include computer, IM,  game boy or play station time.

Reading time should exist at home.

Homework time should exist separate from reading time.

Videos and movies also should count as screen time.

Don’t fear changes away from screen time. The  positive changes in your home will far outweigh the  negative.

Come to my workshop on TV and technology at Cape Ann  Families 6 PM on April 4th to discuss more about what we  can do about TV and our kids.

Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Toddler

What’s With Those Boots?

Almost every week I see a child in my office with a  pair of funky boots on. The boots are usually rubber with  easy to pull handles. The toes are decorated with a face  of an animal – perhaps a duck, frog or ladybug. The day  might be bright and sunny, but the child comes clomping  into the room with their rubber boots proudly on their  feet. I often ask them “What’s with those boots?” To  which the mother sheepishly responds, “She wants to wear  them everyday and I just don’t want to battle her.” The  fact of the matter is that all parents have to choose their  battles and there are some battles just not worth fighting.

So how should parents choose their battles? We all  know, as parents, we have to confront our children over a  number of issues. Too many parents feel like they are  battling their children all day. How do we know when to  put our foot down and when to let them wear their boots?  The answer is somewhat personal. It depends to some degree  what is truly important to the parent. But as a young  pediatrician, I was taught that there were some guidelines  about battling with children. As I became a parent, I  found that these guidelines were helpful. Here are those  guidelines and some others I have added.

1. You cannot control whether your child eats or not.  You can control what food is put on the table. A  child can be given a choice before the meal such  as “Do you want PB & J or Tuna fish for lunch?”  Once a choice is made stick with it. The child  can eat or not eat!

2. You cannot control your child’s choice of friends.   You can control how much time those friends spend  at your house. Children often choose friends  that are unlike themselves. You may consider  them a “bad influence”. But you cannot impose  control over your child’s choice. You will be  very frustrated if you try to choose your child’s  friends. You should only control what you can –  perhaps the time available outside of school for  your child to be with that friend.

3. You cannot make your child go to sleep. But you can establish and control a bedtime. Many  children are made to be in bed but stay awake for  a time before drifting off to sleep. Your job as  a parent is to enforce the time for your child to  be in bed. Your child can choose between being  awake and going to sleep.

4. All parents need to win the battles over safety.  Kids cannot run out into the street, must wear  seatbelts and ride bikes with helmets on. Safety  is the area where parents have a right to battle  their kids.

5. Hygiene is another worthwhile battle. Baths need  to be taken, hands washed, teeth brushed and noses  left alone – at least in public.

6. Choice of clothing is a famous morning battle.  Clothes should be put out the night before. But  as with the choice of foods, once the clothes are  put out, don’t open the choices up for debate  again. The child can choose between the two sets  put out the night before and only those two sets.  To force a choice, move to the next phase of the  morning – breakfast or even leaving the house.  Many children need to finalize their choice for  clothes in the car!

7. Parents often feel pressured into battles because of time. We know that deadlines exist but kids  don’t care. So when we want to get our kids  ready, we often pressure them to dress, eat,  and get their things ready. Of course as they  resist our pressure, we get more upset. The key  is not to pressure the kids because of our time  consciousness. Just be clear on what they need to  do, give five minute warnings for each step they  need to make, and set a “drop dead time” when –  ready or not – half dressed or partially fed – you  are out the door! The next days you will see more  cooperation during your 5 minute warning periods.

The major issue with the battles we have with our children  is that parents may sense a loss of control. If you are  feeling controlled by your child over an issue, then you  need to decide what your child has control of and what you  need to control. You control the choice of foods; your  child controls how much they eat. You control the choice  of clothes; your child chooses between the two sets in the  morning. You set the bedtime; your child decides to sleep  or not. By allowing your child some sense of control then  you can be better choosing your battles. And then it might  be okay if your child chooses her boots everyday too!

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen, Toddler

What Our Reactions Teach Our Children

You are spending a beautiful day at a park with your kids. While fixing a zipper on your older child’s jacket,  your toddler falls on a walkway. Apparently unhurt by the  fall, you see your two year old on the ground peering  around for you. Another mother helps him to his feet and  he smiles up at the friendly woman. Then he catches your  eye and bursts into tears as if hurt. Is he hurt? Has he  learned to cry with falls? Is he expressing emotion to  test your reaction?

This is a small example of how our reactions can teach  our children behaviors. Parenting is an interactive  process. Both parent and child may develop behaviors in  response to the others reaction. When a child first falls,  we may react with worry and concern about injury. We may  run to the child’s aid most often to discover minor  scrapes. Nonetheless the child cries – perhaps not with  injury but responding to our reaction of fear for injury.  Thus a pattern of behavior for both parent and child begins  mostly due to our reaction.

This is not about falls. Certainly some falls can be  hurtful and need sympathy but a grand majority are not.  The point is that children can subconsciously manipulate  our behavior patterns just as we can subconsciously  manipulate their behavior patterns. This can happen in  many areas. Food battles often occur as children wait for  their choice of food to arrive while watching a parent  worry over their refusal to eat. Bed times can be delayed  as children use fears to make us come for multiple curtain  calls. Sometimes kids know how to put on a face or an  emotion that pulls on our heartstrings and gets them the  reaction they want from us. Some kids learn to get  attention from parents by behaving badly. They establish a  pattern early and learn to get parent’s reactions to bad  behavior.

So what are parent’s to do? How do we measure our  reactions? How do we analyze what we are doing that is  resulting in behavior patterns we don’t like in our kids  and in ourselves? These questions are what make parenting  one of the most introspective experiences in our lifetimes.

Think for a moment about some areas of parenting where  you react strongly. Ask yourself a few questions. Do you  have some unrealistic fears that make you react to your  children? Are you afraid they will starve? Do you worry  about them getting hurt? Do you think our kids can’t  manage without you? What is so important in situations  that make you react strongly? What assumptions are you  making? Do these assumptions make sense? Or are they  false assumptions drawn from your history or heritage?

Do you take everything your child does as a reflection  of you as a parent? Do you respond to your children in an  effort to control them? What children do is a reflection  of them not you. And as much as you try to control them  they will have to assume control of themselves for  themselves.

Answer these questions for yourself. Recognize why  you have strong reactions to some of your children’s  behaviors. If we can understand our reactions and where  they come from, we can start to temper our emotions in  different situations. You will see your children  responding less in behavior and tempering themselves as a  result. As we control ourselves, many times our kids will  become better in behavior. It seems so basic but is very  difficult to see and understand when you are in the midst  of battles. It just seems to happen that the more self  aware parents are, the more self aware their children will  become.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Toddler

What Is a “Time-Out” Anyway

You’re in a supermarket and your kids get into  trouble. You warn them, “If you don’t stop you’re going  to get a “time-out” when we get home.” They don’t get  better so when you get home you enforce a “time-out”. You  direct them to respective chairs where they sit. They  say they are hungry. You tell them, “You’ll have to wait  until “time-out” is over.” You ask them what they want  for lunch. After you finish making their lunch you say  their “time-out” is over and they may come to eat. Was the  “time-out” effective? Did they learn anything? Did they  feel anything? What is a “time-out” and how do you give  one to your child?

A “time-out” is a period of isolation you purposely  give to your child where they do not get any attention from  you and they don’t control you. It doesn’t matter where  they are, or whether they have a “time-out” place. The  action is louder then words. The key points are personal  isolation and lack of control. Nobody is willing to  continue behavior that yields isolation and control of  nothing.

Let’s think about this a moment. What should a child  get for a positive behavior? If a child helps at the store  or cleans their room he or she receives praise and a  positive response from their parent. They receive  attention and control their parent’s response for that  moment. So what should children receive for a negative  behavior? Certainly not the same attention from the parent  and controlling their parent’s response! We should  consistently give negative behaviors a rapid response but  that response should involve little attention and a  controlled reaction from you. This is the reason “time-outs” are introduced as a tool for parents.

So when your child misbehaves, give them a quick  correction. Then isolate them with coldness. Don’t  respond to them at all. If you can’t ignore them where  they are (if they are screaming, crying or tantruming) then  put them someplace else or go somewhere else where you can  ignore them. During this entire time stay firm but in  control. Don’t let them control your response. You  control it. Through being isolated while you are in  control your children get just punishment for negative  behavior. Over time they will have no motivation for  continuing that behavior.

In the scenario I started with, the parent warned  about a “time-out” while in the store. But negative  behaviors need more immediate consequences. Then when  arriving at home, the “time-out” was really a peaceful  interactive time together while waiting for lunch. When  being punished kids need quick, stern correction followed  by a feeling of isolation from their parent while the  parent stays in control. A “time-out” is then properly  done. A “time-out” is not a thing to be warned about and  given to a child later. It is an action done rapidly  without warning after negative behaviors. As parents we  have a right to respond to behaviors that we do not want to  see. If ”time-outs” are done right, kids learn over time  that positive behaviors get a better response and naturally  gravitate towards them.

Baby, Family, Infant, Parenting Tips

What The Newborn Nursery Won’t Tell You About Your Baby

Newborn nurseries are magical places. Wonderful people care for new babies and their nervous mothers. Before the pair go home to experience new life together, nursery nurses are able to teach a number of essential tasks to make the first few months go well. They teach mothers how to feed, and bathe their infant. Mothers learn how to monitor for signs of illness in a baby. With these important functions to teach it is no wonder that nurses don’t cover less important worries that new mothers have. Fortunately, that is where I come in. As a pediatrician I get to teach new mothers about their babies too. And in the first visit with me, mothers are often perplexed about many simple things that we as practitioners in medicine take for granted. Over the years I have made a list of worries other than feeding that mothers have at their first check up at two weeks of age. Here they are.

1. How do I stop his hiccups?

Many mothers experience hiccups in their babies even before birth. But it is more disturbing to us to see a baby’s little body shake with hiccups. Fortunately, we don’t have to do anything about them. Hiccups occur as a natural reflex. This reflex tends to subside as babies grow. It may be hard to watch. But remember, babies aren’t bothered by hiccups. We are, but they are not. Just leave them be. They’ll be fine.

2. My baby sneezes and coughs. Is she sick?

Oh, those immature reflexes! They haunt babies for months. Sneezes and coughs are also reflexes that are a bit hyper in babies. These, too, will decrease in frequency over the first several months.

3. My child sounds congested.

Congestion is not a reflex. Congestion is a blockage in the nose that makes it hard for babies to breathe. But babies often sound congested without even having any blockage. Why is this? Babies have narrow nasal passages with loose mucus membranes. Air moving through a narrow space makes a noise. In musical instruments air makes a pretty sound. In babies’ noses, air makes a congested noise as it moves along those vibrating mucus membranes. So a parent only needs to be concerned about congestion they see – not a congested noise they hear. With congestion you see, a few drops of saline solution usually helps clear their little noses.

4. My baby is fussy and hard to console sometimes.

All babies have fussy periods. These occur with more frequency and for longer periods of time at six weeks of age. Babies usually settle down and are less fussy at three months of age. Even though it goes away, that doesn’t make it easy to deal with while it is happening. Keep your baby close, support his belly and have extra people around to help out. That’s how to get through the fussy baby times.

5. My baby has so much gas! Is that normal?

Whether your baby is fussy with gas or not, it is normal for babies to be gassy. It is a natural process for our bowels to develop a flora of bacteria that creates gas in their bowel. Only a small percent of babies have fussiness caused by this gas.

6. What about this green poop he has?

Stool color changes with time even when the baby’s diet does not. Nursing babies progress from brown muconium stools to yellow watery stools to yellow seedy stools to green stools. Bottle fed babies change more rapidly through these color stools and end up with the typical brown stool faster than nursing babies. It might be hard for a pregnant woman to imagine being concerned about the color of poop. But…you will see. It is amazing how much talk there is about poop once you have the baby.

7. Besides pooping the only other things my baby does is eat, sleep and pee! And he sleeps a lot! When will he wake up and interact a little?

For the first few weeks after birth most babies just eat, sleep, pee, and poop. This can be surprising to parents who expect an expressive baby. Many parents start longing for more interaction. It becomes difficult to be at the service of an infant and get little of the warm and fuzzy things in return. The interactive time will come. By two months of age babies are usually focusing on parent’s faces and smiling back at them.

8. Well, before two months what is my baby seeing?

It is hard for babies to tell us what they are seeing. However, physicians have studied the visual preferences babies have in the first few months of life. At first babies prefer sharp contrasts between light and dark objects. This is likely due to the fact that the color interpreting cone cells of the eye develop over the first month or so. After the first month babies prefer to look at oval objects similar to the general shapes of faces. This leads to the focusing on particular faces by two months of age. By four months babies will be able to see across a room. And by six months any stray object that you didn’t see such as a small toy or a bit of fuzz will be picked up and thrust into their mouths.

9. When do they stop burping, gagging and spitting up?

Babies are messy little creatures. They drink and gulp their meals. Belch frequently. They gag on almost anything at the beginning. And often spit up or throw up what seems like half their meals. It sounds awful but is quite natural. Since most of their food is liquid and taken in by sucking, burping is a natural consequence of this form of feeding. If babies didn’t burp they could become more bloated and more gassy. Burps will come if they need to. Not all babies burp after all feedings. Spitting up happens with burping. It is of no consequence so long as the baby gains weight on the amount of food they keep down. And gagging is helpful for babies to protect themselves from aspirating their liquid food. Due to a baby’s gag reflex, it is rare for any baby to actually aspirate food into their lungs. So even though these issues are messy, they help our babies stay healthy. They do become less frequent after nine months of age.

10. My baby breathes in a funny way. Sometimes she even stops breathing for a second. Is that okay?

Babies do breathe in a funny way. They can breathe ten times rapidly, then take a deep breath and not breathe for five seconds. If we traced newborn breathing patterns on paper we would have nothing but squiggly lines. Their breathing patterns smooth out and become more regular at three to four months of age. Until then, their irregular respirations can startle parents until they recognize how normal their baby’s abnormal breathing is.

These are the most common normal body habits of babies that disturb new parents. Some of these cause real fear and concern for first time moms and dads. Having some knowledge about these nuances of newborns can help parents relax. And that is good for parents, good for baby and good for the new family. It would be nice to hear about all these issues in the newborn nursery but it would just be too much to handle at that special time. Having some reference for these issues after you go home is more appropriate. So it is with that in mind that this was written for expectant parents.

I hope you can relax and enjoy your new baby.

Baby, Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Toddler

Toilet Training Made Easy

At times I feel like I can hear all the phrases used in different households by different people. I can hear mothers saying “Do you need to use the potty now? Do you  want to try?” When changing diapers at the changing table children hear, “When are you  going to use the potty? Mommy doesn’t want to change these diapers forever, you  know?” Another phrase that echoes around is, “Oh won’t it be great when you are using  the potty?” Grandparents get into the fray with the admonishing phrase, “You don’t have  her out of diapers yet? I had all of you out of diapers before you were walking.” Oh  friends and neighbors aren’t innocent. “You should put her in pull-ups” or “Just buy  him Sponge Bob underpants” or “Put him on the toilet every hour”, or “Have you tried M  & M’s as a reward?” It is as if it takes a village to toilet train a child!!!

Yet it is wonderful when a child is finally toilet trained. It marks an end to a  stage. Parents deal with less mess. No more buying diapers. And the most appreciated  factor is that the never ending unsolicited suggestions from relatives and strangers will  stop. Getting there will be great. But getting your child “toilet trained” requires little  “training” from you.

The amazing thing about this process is that most children train themselves when  they are ready. After all, they do have ultimate control over this issue, don’t they? They  decide. They have control. The biggest battle of “toilet training” is fighting all the  pressure to “train your child”.

Think of it from the child’s point of view. When all the young child is hearing is  “potty, potty, potty….,” they recognize only that a fuss is being made over them. When a  fuss is made over them for doing nothing, there is no motivation for a child to change  from doing nothing. They are smart enough to realize that if they change and go in the  potty, then they risk all the fuss about them over the potty will end. From the child’s  point of view isn’t it better to continue having people make a fuss over you for not going  in the toilet?

There is an easier way to toilet train. First, despite what you are told, most  children do not go on the toilet before two and a half at the early end. Most children  toilet train themselves at three years old. By the time your child enters that age, he has  probably seen people go to the bathroom and perhaps has tried copying the action  himself. But as your child approaches three, it is time to stop talking and reminding  about the toilet. You should pay no attention to toilet issues. It should appear to them  that it doesn’t matter to you where he goes to the bathroom. In fact, it shouldn’t matter to  you since they have control of this issue, right? Make diaper changes boring – even  emotionally cold. Don’t let diaper changes lead to play, reading, or other fun. Make it  all business. Make sure grandparents and others don’t pester your child about the toilet either. Tell them he will train when he is ready. Your child may try to go to the  bathroom in other places like a corner of a room. A quick correction and coldness will  suffice for any “accident”. Don’t over-react to it. Only respond with praise to your  child’s toileting actions to valid attempts at the toilet. This way the only attention your  child is getting over this issue is with positive attempts at the toilet. Eventually he or she  will move towards this positive experience. Be patient. After all your child will not go  to college in diapers.

Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Tips On Parenting Your Adolescent

As parents, we grow with our children. But that growth hits a stumbling block when we reach the teen years. Then our usually compliant son or daughter changes and  the challenges begin. All of a sudden there are challenges to your commands. They  want to be the boss. They want more independence and you’re not ready to give it. They  want to be with friends more than family. They are very self centered and private and  they seem to thrive on arguments. Does this description fit your teen? Then maybe some  information and tips would be helpful to you and your family.

It is important to remember the stages that teens go through in early adolescence  (usually somewhere between 11 and 15 years) teens start thinking more critically. This is  the time of questioning and challenging. It is as if the teen is saying “so these were the  values I was brought up with, but are they valid?” The next stage is middle adolescence  where teens want to try some values out for themselves. Now they are saying – “ok  those are your values but I’m going to try some for myself.” Obviously, this is the  experimental time. It is usually between 14 and 16. It is a very scary time for parents.  But take heart through this time. It is important to keep your standards and restrictions in  place and weather through this time. Because sooner or later comes Late Adolescence.  This is where parents can breathe easier. In Late Adolescence, teens usually “come back  home” to the values they were brought up with. It is this time where they start being  more responsible and thinking more about their future.

So how do we, as parents, deal with our teens as they go through these stages?  Well here are some key do’s and don’t for raising an adolescent.

1. Respect.

It is important for their ego development that you respect them. It is natural for  them to disrespect you at times – nevertheless it is important that you continue to  respect them! You will command their respect more if you recognize that they are as  human as you and I. They are going through the rougher part of this transition. They  need you to respect their opinion, their space, and their privacy.

2. Continue to set limits.

Respecting them is not the same as relinquishing all control. They need (and  sometimes want) limits. It is ok for these limits to be negotiated at appropriate times.

3. Praise is important.

Never in their lives do they need to know what you approve of more than now.  Make a point to notice the positives and voice them. But in voicing them don’t let  it become negative comment, (i.e. now that’s what I like not like when you . . . .).  Just be simple – “I like it when you . . . .”

4. Don’t be critical.

Make corrections simply and clearly. Don’t overcorrect, lecture, embarrass,  belittle, shame or blame your teen. They understand simple corrections.

5. Be a good example.

Do as I say not as I do does not wash with teens. It might just be the time for a  parent to stop smoking and/or drinking. It is amazing how much respect this can  earn from teenagers.

6. Listen when they want to talk and make time to listen.

Be active in listening. Repeat statements. Nod your head. Ask clarifying  questions. Don’t give solutions. Just listen. Let them figure it out in your  presence.

7. Don’t over-advise your teen.

It is time for them to figure things out. They need to learn some things by  experience. I know – this can be scary!!

8. Get out of arguments quickly.

Say your peace and stop. The argument is the temper tantrum of the teenager.  They’ll keep you arguing forever and it never stays on the same topic. If you turn  away and stop, they fizzle out.

9. No matter what – stay involved.

Kids with involved parents grow up to be better  adults. Witness your teen’s interests. You don’t have to love it. You don’t have  to learn to skateboard too! But it’s not a bad idea to see what he or she has to  show you!

Take heart. They are all children. Show them you care. Show them some love and they  usually do well.

Some reading for parents:

Get out of my life but first can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall.   By Anthony Wolf

You and Your Adolescent  A Parents Guide for ages 10-20. By Steinberg & Levine

Good Luck,

Brian G. Orr, M.D.