Mothers often marvel at their one year old children. In one very short year their children went from a dependent infant  to a free walking toddler. They tripled their weight, became  curious in the world around them, and want freedom to move  around it. It is just a wonder to behold. But parents often  dread what is to come – the famous terrible two’s & horrible  three’s.

As a pediatrician, however, I marvel at the next  transition. As a toddler grows towards two years old and  beyond, a personality develops. They start to show preferences  and interests. They don’t get distracted as easily away from  their desired object. They demonstrate a will and  determination. Eating a meal in full is no longer easily  accomplished. They decide about foods they like and don’t like.

This transition is equally remarkable as the first year  of life. But for parents, it can be hard to enjoy their child  at this age since we enter a challenging time of parenting. With  the fascinating growth of personality come the parenting battles  we all fear – tantrums, food battles, toilet training, and more.  These challenges are really appropriate steps in their  development, so we have to reframe how we look at these little  people in our lives. How can parents marvel in this development  while peacefully managing a different interaction with their  child? This is the challenge of meeting the “terrible twos and  the horrible threes”.

We can meet the challenges of the toddler years if we  understand them in respect to their development. All the new  challenges our children give us during this time are a direct  result of their new skills, new curiosities and new  determination. Food challenges are due to slower rate of growth  which causes smaller appetites. By looking at their  development, we can better understand their behavior. Then  perhaps we can be more measured and controlled in response to  their behavior. As we control our reactions to their behaviors,  we actually improve our interaction with our children thereby  making these “terrible” times much easier. Let’s look at some  examples.

Parents often witness a drop off in diet in children by 18  months of age. Sometimes it is difficult to have a child sit  for fives minutes to eat. And the amount of food consumed  versus going to the dogs (literally) may be a pittance. Many  parents end up falling back on old reliable foods (spaghetti,  Mac and cheese) just to get their kids to eat something. What  is happening in their development at this age? They are curious  and active. They don’t want to sit. Their growth rate is much  slower than the first year so they don’t need to eat as much to  grow. And they are showing preferences in what foods they like.

Taking this in perspective parents shouldn’t expect full  meals eaten. They will eat what they need to grow on – all  children do. Parents need to watch not to cater too much toward  their child’s likes and dislikes. Keep variety coming. They  will learn to pick from a varied diet and will grow on it. The  age old worry about how much a child eats at any one meal is  unnecessary.

Where do tantrums come from? Your poor young children!  They get some voice, some legs and mobility, they see all the  opportunity for exploration around them, and they think the  world is theirs. Unfortunately they don’t see what is safe  and unsafe. We need to say “no” and keep them safe. But when  their exploration and freedom are limited, they react. They  try a behavior. When you don’t allow them to bang the table  with silverware in a restaurant, they may try a temper fit;  they may cry;’ they may strike out and hit. All these are  trials. Attempts. They aren’t malicious or mean. They are  simply trying to change our minds. They want their freedom and  control back so they try a behavior on for size. Unfortunately,  there are times that we need to take control. We need to keep  situations safe. Recognize these behaviors as attempts to  influence our decisions. But don’t take the bait and don’t take  it personally. Most behaviors that aren’t given much attention  usually fade away. Behaviors that don’t gain much control of  the situation also fade away. Don’t let these behaviors control  you or the situation and don’t give them undue attention and  they will go away – over time. Be patient.

Many young children and preschoolers hate transitions. It  may be that you need to leave the playground. You may need to  drop them off at preschool. Or you may need to get them in bed.

Many young children develop bad habits. Nose picking, nail  biting, even handling their privates may all occur at  embarrassing times. Part of toddler-hood to preschool  development is body exploration and self care. They do have  control of their hands and control of many body parts. It is  their body. What we can do is teach them where caring for the  body is appropriate – in privacy. Teaching and allowing body  care in private keeps this battle small. Instead of saying  “don’t pick your nose” say “if you’re going to pick your nose do  it in the bathroom or your bedroom”.

This age group also transitions into the ultimate body  control function of childhood – training to use the toilet.  This can be a big control battle and as I said above they have  control of many of their body parts. This is particularly true  of their bowels. Many pediatricians feel that this issue should  never become a battle. It is really your child’s choice where  they go to the bathroom. It is their accomplishment to go in  the potty – not the parents. It really shouldn’t matter to the  parents where a child goes to the bathroom. We do have control  over how and where to clean them up. We can show what is normal  for adults in going to the bathroom. And we can encourage them  to go to the bathroom like us. But when they decide to be  “trained” is really up to the developing child. (Incidentally,  most girls aren’t “trained” until 2 1?2 and most boys at 3 or  older!)

There are many issues to face with children from 18 months  to three years of age. It is truly a fascinating transition.  By viewing our challenges in interacting with our children in  light of their development, it makes it easier to understand  what to do. There are many things we need to be in charge of.  And there are some things they have ultimate control over.  Often, as parents, we need to step back and think about where we  draw the line, where we take control and when we concede control  to them.

I have developed a list of guidelines (The twelve rules of  parenting young children) for dealing with toddlers to  preschoolers. Here they are.

Recognize that this is an age of wonder, exploration,  determination, and attainment of skills.

Praise the positive. Marvel in it. It is through our  praise that they appreciate their skills.

Don’t dwell on the negative – move through it.

Don’t sweat how much they eat – just keep a balanced diet  coming.

Ignore the fits – if they don’t work, they’ll stop using

They all toilet train so why sweat it!

Read, Read, Read – they love words and love to build  vocabulary.

Enjoy their interests.

You do need to say “no”.

When you do – expect some behavior.

Transitions are tough – help them move through them –at  some point “just do it”.

Enjoy their stories – they love telling them.

Dr. Brian G. Orr is a pediatrician and author of A  Pediatrician’s Journal. He also writes a parenting column for  papers North of Boston. Donna Raskin is a writer and a teacher in the North Shore of  Boston.

Brian Orr M.D. and Donna Raskin co-authored The Everything Guide  to Raising the One Year Old and The Everything Guide to Raising  the Two Year Old.