Category Archives: Age Group

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Getting Kids to Listen

“It’s time for dinner, Johnny. Come to the table. Johnny, it’s time to stop playing and come eat. Come eat  Johnny.

JOHN JOSEPH FANNING the third YOU GET TO THIS TABLE  RIGHT NOW !

Why don’t they listen the first time? Listening.  Hearing. Cooperating. How do we get kids to do these things? Why do they make us yell? Perhaps it’s because  they know they don’t have to listen until they get you to

So what are kids thinking? From their perspective, they are listening. They listen to your voice to  progressively increase in volume. They listen to your tone  get more strained. And then when you get to the most  strained voice and highest volume, they act. It appears to  me they know exactly what they are doing. As you are  trying to control them, they control you.

To get kids to listen they need to know that we mean it before we get to that loud strained voice. Perhaps we  should call once then go and touch them to be sure they heard. Then gauge whether they are willing to part with  what they are doing. Giving them some warning ahead of  time helps with this part. Then as you touch them, meet  their eyes and tell them again it is time to come. Then wait there a second. They hate parents to hover over them.

Of course not all listening problems are solved so quickly. Parents need to realize that kids don’t like  being ordered around like a disrespected employee. Nobody appreciates being treated like that. So we have to back up and think about how we talk to them. Do we yell a lot? Do  we order them around? Are we always telling them what do do and not letting them think for themselves. These actions will make children want to tune us out.

To help children listen better, keep your voice even. Use nonverbal cues like touch, meeting their eyes and  getting down to their level. Stop giving orders and commands. Give options instead. Sometimes just present the problem you are having and see if they can come up with a solution. The solution might not be what you exactly want but it might work as well.

Getting our kids “to listen” is a perennial problem  for parents. We always think of it as their problem with  hearing and cooperating. But if we turn this problem to be  ours then perhaps it is really at least in part a problem  of how we present ourselves and our daily concerns to our kids.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Toddler

From Toddler To Preshooler – The Not So Terrible Two’s

Mothers often marvel at their one year old children. In one very short year their children went from a dependent infant  to a free walking toddler. They tripled their weight, became  curious in the world around them, and want freedom to move  around it. It is just a wonder to behold. But parents often  dread what is to come – the famous terrible two’s & horrible  three’s.

As a pediatrician, however, I marvel at the next  transition. As a toddler grows towards two years old and  beyond, a personality develops. They start to show preferences  and interests. They don’t get distracted as easily away from  their desired object. They demonstrate a will and  determination. Eating a meal in full is no longer easily  accomplished. They decide about foods they like and don’t like.

This transition is equally remarkable as the first year  of life. But for parents, it can be hard to enjoy their child  at this age since we enter a challenging time of parenting. With  the fascinating growth of personality come the parenting battles  we all fear – tantrums, food battles, toilet training, and more.  These challenges are really appropriate steps in their  development, so we have to reframe how we look at these little  people in our lives. How can parents marvel in this development  while peacefully managing a different interaction with their  child? This is the challenge of meeting the “terrible twos and  the horrible threes”.

We can meet the challenges of the toddler years if we  understand them in respect to their development. All the new  challenges our children give us during this time are a direct  result of their new skills, new curiosities and new  determination. Food challenges are due to slower rate of growth  which causes smaller appetites. By looking at their  development, we can better understand their behavior. Then  perhaps we can be more measured and controlled in response to  their behavior. As we control our reactions to their behaviors,  we actually improve our interaction with our children thereby  making these “terrible” times much easier. Let’s look at some  examples.

Parents often witness a drop off in diet in children by 18  months of age. Sometimes it is difficult to have a child sit  for fives minutes to eat. And the amount of food consumed  versus going to the dogs (literally) may be a pittance. Many  parents end up falling back on old reliable foods (spaghetti,  Mac and cheese) just to get their kids to eat something. What  is happening in their development at this age? They are curious  and active. They don’t want to sit. Their growth rate is much  slower than the first year so they don’t need to eat as much to  grow. And they are showing preferences in what foods they like.

Taking this in perspective parents shouldn’t expect full  meals eaten. They will eat what they need to grow on – all  children do. Parents need to watch not to cater too much toward  their child’s likes and dislikes. Keep variety coming. They  will learn to pick from a varied diet and will grow on it. The  age old worry about how much a child eats at any one meal is  unnecessary.

Where do tantrums come from? Your poor young children!  They get some voice, some legs and mobility, they see all the  opportunity for exploration around them, and they think the  world is theirs. Unfortunately they don’t see what is safe  and unsafe. We need to say “no” and keep them safe. But when  their exploration and freedom are limited, they react. They  try a behavior. When you don’t allow them to bang the table  with silverware in a restaurant, they may try a temper fit;  they may cry;’ they may strike out and hit. All these are  trials. Attempts. They aren’t malicious or mean. They are  simply trying to change our minds. They want their freedom and  control back so they try a behavior on for size. Unfortunately,  there are times that we need to take control. We need to keep  situations safe. Recognize these behaviors as attempts to  influence our decisions. But don’t take the bait and don’t take  it personally. Most behaviors that aren’t given much attention  usually fade away. Behaviors that don’t gain much control of  the situation also fade away. Don’t let these behaviors control  you or the situation and don’t give them undue attention and  they will go away – over time. Be patient.

Many young children and preschoolers hate transitions. It  may be that you need to leave the playground. You may need to  drop them off at preschool. Or you may need to get them in bed.

Many young children develop bad habits. Nose picking, nail  biting, even handling their privates may all occur at  embarrassing times. Part of toddler-hood to preschool  development is body exploration and self care. They do have  control of their hands and control of many body parts. It is  their body. What we can do is teach them where caring for the  body is appropriate – in privacy. Teaching and allowing body  care in private keeps this battle small. Instead of saying  “don’t pick your nose” say “if you’re going to pick your nose do  it in the bathroom or your bedroom”.

This age group also transitions into the ultimate body  control function of childhood – training to use the toilet.  This can be a big control battle and as I said above they have  control of many of their body parts. This is particularly true  of their bowels. Many pediatricians feel that this issue should  never become a battle. It is really your child’s choice where  they go to the bathroom. It is their accomplishment to go in  the potty – not the parents. It really shouldn’t matter to the  parents where a child goes to the bathroom. We do have control  over how and where to clean them up. We can show what is normal  for adults in going to the bathroom. And we can encourage them  to go to the bathroom like us. But when they decide to be  “trained” is really up to the developing child. (Incidentally,  most girls aren’t “trained” until 2 1?2 and most boys at 3 or  older!)

There are many issues to face with children from 18 months  to three years of age. It is truly a fascinating transition.  By viewing our challenges in interacting with our children in  light of their development, it makes it easier to understand  what to do. There are many things we need to be in charge of.  And there are some things they have ultimate control over.  Often, as parents, we need to step back and think about where we  draw the line, where we take control and when we concede control  to them.

I have developed a list of guidelines (The twelve rules of  parenting young children) for dealing with toddlers to  preschoolers. Here they are.

Recognize that this is an age of wonder, exploration,  determination, and attainment of skills.

Praise the positive. Marvel in it. It is through our  praise that they appreciate their skills.

Don’t dwell on the negative – move through it.

Don’t sweat how much they eat – just keep a balanced diet  coming.

Ignore the fits – if they don’t work, they’ll stop using

They all toilet train so why sweat it!

Read, Read, Read – they love words and love to build  vocabulary.

Enjoy their interests.

You do need to say “no”.

When you do – expect some behavior.

Transitions are tough – help them move through them –at  some point “just do it”.

Enjoy their stories – they love telling them.

Dr. Brian G. Orr is a pediatrician and author of A  Pediatrician’s Journal. He also writes a parenting column for  papers North of Boston. Donna Raskin is a writer and a teacher in the North Shore of  Boston.

Brian Orr M.D. and Donna Raskin co-authored The Everything Guide  to Raising the One Year Old and The Everything Guide to Raising  the Two Year Old.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Toddler

Fixing Bad Habits

Those thumb suckers, and nail biters and nose pickers, and knuckle crackers,  what are we to do with our kids and their bad habits. As parents we often feel  responsible for our children’s behaviors. Because of this feeling of responsibility we try  to take charge of our kids annoying habits. Unfortunately they have control of their  fingers and nails and knuckles. So the more we try to control these habits, the worse they  often become.

Parents need to recognize that we are not responsible for our children’s behaviors.

The problem with bad habits like nail biting is that these behaviors or actions are  directed towards themselves – not toward others. You cannot separate your children  from themselves or separate their nose, mouth, or fingers from them. Although  sometimes you may want to! Yet these habits are annoying to watch. Many parents can’t help but yelling “Stop biting your nails! Don’t you see what you are doing to your fingers? Your nails are dirty. Keep them out of your mouth.” Yet the temptation for  them is always there as is our temptation to correct them.

Some parents try the toxic route – Tabasco on the thumb for thumb suckers for  example. And some parents try the hiding method such as using gloves or wraps over the  hands as if by hiding the extremity the child will forget they have nails to bite or fingers  to suck. But somehow kids work around these “fixes” so they don’t work.

What parents can do is equate these habits to other body care issues that demand  privacy. Nail care, nose care and thumb sucking all can be done in privacy. In fact, we can make this a family policy. All nail biting, thumb sucking, knuckle cracking, and nose picking need to be done in privacy! Making these privacy or bathroom issues, changes the battle over whether they can do their bad habit to where they can do it. That is  something we can enforce. Over correcting and giving undue attention to these habits  often increases them. Demanding privacy for them at least diminishes what you see of  these bad habits over time. And when it comes to habits, out of sight – out of mind is a win – win policy for home peace.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen, Values and Morals

Expectations For Our Teens (Parenting Teens Part III)

Do you expect anything from your teen? Do they have chores?

Parents are used to setting limits for their teenagers.  “No you can’t go out tonight. You have too much to do at home!”

How can any parent expect their child to achieve anything  if you aren’t clear with what you expect? I have witnessed this  question in action many times. When discussing school grades I  often hear parents tell me that their son or daughter does  “fine” in school. When I inquire further I discover that barely  passing is acceptable to that parent. If I ask if their child  could do better, invariably the parent says “sure, if he only  applied himself.” It is hard to press a parent further but I  often wonder in my head “why don’t you expect him to do better  and apply himself?”

It is an unwritten law of teen parenting; children will  rise to the level of their parents’ expectations. (Of course  there are some conditions – realistic expectations, good mental  health, organizational skills, etc).

Realistic expectations are a sign of respect towards your  children. They tell your child that you think so much of them  that you think they can achieve. That is powerful to these kids  who are going through so much internal questioning. “My mom and  dad think I can make it through college.” Kids internalize  these messages and sense a positive image of their skills.

These are some prerequisites for parents to set proper  expectations. Parents need to recognize their children for who  they are. They need to fairly assess their skills. They need  to respect them for their abilities and compliment them. Then  parents can help children set some short and long term goals.  Parents and kids should reassess these goals periodically.  Monitor progress. Then back off when they are achieving well  and taking ownership for their own accomplishments. Keep  witnessing their progress and keep the complements coming.

This kind of system helps guide teens in setting and  holding expectations for themselves. They attain more skills  over time. In the area of expectations, if you do you job, they  will do theirs.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Ending The Argument

“Dad can I go to Dan’s house tonight?” “No, you know we’re  going to your sister’s concert tonight.” “Oh come on dad. You  know I hate those things. All my friends are going to Dan’s  house. Let me go, too?” “No, we think you should show support  for your sister. The whole family is going. And we already  decided this. You can go to Dan’s house anytime!” “This is  not fair! All my friends are going to Dan’s house and you  are making me go to this stupid concert. Can’t I go to Dan’s  instead?” “No, I said.” “You stink! You are the worst dad.  You are the only one not letting me go. You never let me do  what I want. You are so unfair.” “I let you go with your  friends all the time but this concert is important to your  sister.” “Well, it isn’t important to me. I want to go to  Dan’s house!” “Now you are sounding spoiled.” “I’m not spoiled  and I wouldn’t sound this way if you let me go this once.”  “This once – you are always over at Dan’s house.” “I haven’t  been there in three days. Besides, you are the only parent who  isn’t allowing their son to go. All my friends will be there.  Don’t be so unfair.” “No, you can’t go. I am not being unfair.  I give you a lot. I just think you are too spoiled.” “I’m not  spoiled. I just think you are the worst dad. You stink! I  hate you.” . . ..

How do arguments degenerate into name-calling? How can we,  parents, learn to get out of arguments quickly? How can we win?

  1.  Be sure of your decision. Before getting into an argument  with your child make sure you are willing to make your  “NO” answer stand. Children argue with us when we  are saying “no” to something they want. The time for  discussion is before your decision. But once you say “no”  it must stand. Get all the input and information you need  before you make your decision.
  2. In order to end an argument with your child, you must  recognize that you, the parent must end it. Your child  will never stop the argument. They will go on forever and  throw any name or any fault of yours into it. You must  plan on ending the argument. They will not.
  3. It is important to stay focused on the first subject of  the argument. (In this case, whether he can go to a  friend’s house.) Kids will confuse you by changing the  subject. Your child will have you arguing whether you are  fair or not, whether you stink or not, or whether you ever  let them do anything or not! If you keep replying to each  new accusation you will be arguing forever. Just keep  repeating your first answer “NO”.
  4. Don’t correct their rudeness or name-calling during your  argument. It only perpetuates the argument. “Don’t call  me names.” “Well, I wouldn’t be calling names if you let  me go to a friends house.”
  5. Don’t correct bad behavior during an argument or  immediately after or else you will get the same response  as above. “I wouldn’t go stomping around slamming doors  if you let me go to a friends house.”
  6. If they want to mope around after an argument, let them  mope. If you try to fix their mood, you will pay for it.  Let their mood fizzle away over time. By following these rules you will be called names and hear  slamming doors and see moods fizzle. But most importantly  you will see arguments ending with you on the winning side.  You can do it! Here’s to victorious parents now and in the  future.
Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Empowering Our Kids To Succeed

Our children naturally express uncertainty in  themselves at various times during their childhood. We see  this when a kindergarten child appears worried in the first  few days of school or when a child is hesitant in their  first swim class. We may even see it in our “A” students  who come up with bellyaches. The immediate response from  most parents is to express sincere concern. Naturally, we  don’t want our children to be unhappy at school or afraid  to swim or fear failure. This can set up an interesting  dynamic between parent and child. By expressing  uncertainty, a child actually is asking a question to their  parents. Their uncertainty is natural and as parents we  should expect our children to express uncertainty in  themselves in new and old experiences. What they are  really doing is asking the parent, “Should I be worried?”  In a majority of cases there isn’t a cause for concern.  Kindergartens are safe and nurturing. Swim programs know  how to bring kids along at their pace; and “A” students  usually don’t flunk. It is interesting that in the dynamic  between child and parent, our reaction to our children’s  concern may actually decrease their success. If our child  is asking, “Should I be concerned?” and a parent expresses  undue worry, then the child may see the parent giving  credit to their uncertainty. The child may then become  more concerned instead of more relaxed. If we don’t  respond to their uncertainty by giving it too much  credence, we can actually empower our children to succeed  over their natural uncertainty. So how can parents face  these normal, natural, and common expressions of  uncertainty that come from our children?

First, you should always express confidence in your  children’s ability to face typical childhood challenges  such as new school years, camps and basic lessons. They  need to meet these challenges and few are hurt in the  trying.

Over time parents need to make a realistic assessment  of their child’s skills. It is not helpful for a father to  be pushing a child through baseball even though the child  keeps getting hit in the head trying to catch a ball.  There is an activity for everyone but finding one that  truly fits your child’s skills is the real trick of  parenting.

Expect them to succeed in their skilled areas. Have  faith in them once they have demonstrated skill and  interest.

Be clear on your expectations. Uphold the value in  always trying your best and always reward good efforts!

We should expect uncertainty from our children even in  areas that they are skilled in. Remember, even straight  “A” students experience uncertainty in their ability to  maintain good grades.

Don’t be overly sympathetic to feelings of  uncertainty, but express confidence and encourage their  effort.

Have faith that other adults who act as surrogates for  you will tell you if your child’s concerns are valid.  Engage them in dialogue on the side and get an objective  look at the situation. If they do not have any concerns,  both adults can work together to encourage your child to  succeed.

We have opportunities to empower our kids to succeed  when they, as children, naturally question their own  abilities. In fact, they are looking to simply see whether  we have faith in them. When they feel our faith, they  succeed.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen, Values and Morals

Discussions Over Sex (Parenting Your Teen Part IV)

Perhaps the hardest part of parenting teens is discussing sexuality issues. Traditionally it is thought that parents  should have one “birds and bees” discussion with their teenager.

Forget “the talk”. There are many opportunities today to  discuss sex and your ethics about sexual issues. We have a  plethora of sexual exposures. We have news about sex and its results – pregnancy. Do I need to mention any stars who are or  were pregnant? Every movie portrays sex. Do you discuss this  with your kids? Many movies portray sex scenes without thought  of protection or safety. Do you mention your opinions on that?

Many media outlets portray sex too casually. Do you talk  about sex with intimacy to your kids?

There really is no excuse. We actually have a bombardment  of sex on TV, movies, and magazines. We must take opportunities  to tell kids quickly and freely how we feel about what we are  seeing. This is how kids learn about our sexual morals.

Sexuality is a personal choice that kids hide for a long  time. They need to develop their own feelings about sex and we,  as parents, need to respect their process of sexuality  development. Parents also should respect the options each  person has for sexual decisions and preferences. However,  discussions about safety, waiting, consequences and dangers of  sex should be open game from early adolescence on.

Our media, TV and movies provide us ample opportunity for  short bursts of discussions about consequences and safety. Take  those opportunities. Feel comfortable. Relax. You know the  issues. They do not. Throw out thoughts and opinions matter of  factly. This openness will serve you well over time. Imagine  if all kids heard messages from their parents consistently  through teen years about waiting as long as possible, being safe  when you start having sex, using protection, being respectful to  your partner, and being aware of the consequences and dangers.  The result of these messages heard from home is a population of  teens who initiate sex later, have fewer partners, and have  fewer pregnancies. What group of parents wouldn’t want that?

Baby, Behavior, Family, Infant, Parenting Tips

Dealing With The Crying Baby

I remember the experience as if it was yesterday. I remember having my son in my arms and trying everything to soothe him. I had my magical answers and my wife had hers. Sometimes a bouncy walk with him on my shoulder would work. Sometimes my wife would use a rocking chair and have him across her lap. And many times we would just keep switching off trying new tricks until he finally tired himself out. This was almost seventeen years ago when my wife and I had a very fussy, colicky baby. It was then that I learned how stressful a crying baby can be. The experience has stayed with me and has given me extreme sympathy to parents of crying babies. It also gave me a professional curiosity about what causes some babies to be such tenacious criers.

During the time of my son’s colic I read many theories on “crybabies”. Most people believe that the crying has to do with gas, diet and their abdominal distension. Others believe it is due to over stimulation and fatigue and the crying itself makes children “gassy”. Still others believed that it was due to an inability to ease into sleep – an ability that becomes easier with some brain maturity. All these theories have some merit. But none of them provide the answer to every crying baby.

Much of the advice that people give about handling crying infants stem from these theories. Many mothers are told to change the baby’s diet in one way or another. This goes along with the theory that the formula or breast milk is causing the baby to be gassy and the gas is causing the discomfort. Others receive advice to put their baby down since the constant contact with the parents is contributing to “spoiling” or “over stimulating” the baby. Most of this kind of advice comes from beliefs without truths behind the beliefs.

So what do we really know about crying babies. We know that babies cry 2­6 hours total in a day and that some are worse than others. About 10% of babies cry more than other babies (probably at the 6 hour end of the range). All babies cry more at six weeks of age than in the first few weeks but then settle down again by three to four months of age. A few babies will have their fussiness decrease with diet changes. Most will not. All babies have gas. Only some seem to be bothered by the gas. And all babies strain when having bowel movements.

So with this information how should families handle a crying infant?

  1. Recognize that it is a phase and no matter what you do your baby will be calmer by three to four months of age.
  2. Take everyone’s advice but see what works for you.
  3. The crying baby is a natural phenomenon and is no one’s fault.
  4. You may want to try a formula change if you are bottle feeding or a change in your diet (i.e. stop milk products) if you are breast feeding.
  5. Baby experts recommend spoiling of all babies for at least three months. Before that age it is too young to let your baby cry for long by themselves. Short periods alone are okay.
  6. It is okay to take a break from a fussy crying baby. Get some tea, go for a walk or take a shower. Taking care of a crying baby is stressful and parents do need to get breaks.
  7. The more hands around to hold a baby the better. It is good to have people to help you care for a crying baby. It is definitely worthwhile having support for this difficult problem.
  8. Cry babies do become happy babies over time. Support your baby through this time. Support their gassy bellies. Provide them warmth. Rock and swaddle them. And rest assured the baby you have been waiting for will come to you with plenty of smiles – by four months of age.
  9. If you have any doubts about your child’s health in the midst of all the crying, by all means, see your pediatrician. Pediatricians are familiar with fussy babies and can help families be assured that their child is just colicky and isn’t sick.
  10. Remember, that just because you have a crybaby, it doesn’t mean you are a bad parent. And it doesn’t mean you don’t know what you are doing. Nobody knows exactly why we have colicky babies. But one thing is for sure; they are a natural phenomenon and exist in many cultures and economic levels. Crybabies just happen. But with time and your support they can get through this rough start to their new life.
Behavior, Diseases and Conditions, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen

Confidentiality is Essential for Teen Health Care

Teen years are certainly uncomfortable times for parents. One  very uncomfortable time in parenting your teen is when you  are asked to leave the exam room so that the doctor or nurse  practitioner can talk to your child “privately”. What will your  child and the clinician talk about? Will they talk about you?  Will they tell you afterwards? Is this really necessary? After  all, your daughter and you have a very “open” relationship!!

Step back for a minute and think about your teen for a moment.  As hard as it is to be a parent of a teen, think how hard it  is to be a teenager today. Does TV and the news media give  teens good models to follow? Do movies provide good morals to  follow? Of course your parenting and your modeling of behavior  may be stellar. But can you trust that your child has not been  influenced otherwise? Could there be an advantage for your teen  to have a confidential relationship with a trusted adult? The  answer is yes!

Having a professional clinician have private time with your  child provides a moment for your teen to be free to express  their concerns. I have had hundreds of experiences in the office where a mother tells me how “good” her daughter is  and then her daughter tells me privately about her sexual  activity. No, mothers do not always know! In these experiences  I am able to help the teen confidentially get protection from  STD’s and pregnancy. (Few people realize that all methods of  contraception – birth control pills, Depo-Provera shots, nova  rings, diaphragms, IUD’s etc. are safer medically for teens than  pregnancy. Teen pregnancy has many health risks.)

Without confidential care, teens are on their own. Condoms and  other over the counter birth control may be used, if they buy them! STD’s go uncared for and give greater health problems over time. And the risk of pregnancy grows higher than when teens have access to a confidential visit with a clinician.

Parents should encourage their teens to have a private time  with their doctor or nurse practitioner. If your doctor doesn’t offer a confidential time – ask for it. If you have a  doctor that won’t offer confidential care for your teen, change  doctors. If your town has a school clinic, encourage your child  to go there to have a relationship with the clinician for when  his or her need arises.

Communities need to be open to having Department of Public  Health clinics and other health clinics provide teenagers access  to confidential care. Clinicians who are afraid to see teens  privately, shouldn’t see teenagers. Clinicians also need to  be educated in the Mature Minor laws that allow them to treat  teenagers without parental consent.

Nationally, teen pregnancy rates are on the decline. However,  there are communities north of Boston such as Gloucester  and Lawrence that have an increasing rate of teen pregnancy.  Parents and clinicians and clinics need to be aware of this  problem in these areas. School committees should be open to  their school clinics providing the full breadth of confidential  health care and treatment that teens need. Open access to  confidential health care for teens is perhaps the only way that  these local epidemics will disappear.

Teenage years are scary times for parents. Having a trusted  health care provider look out for your teen is one way to make  the pressures of teen years a little bit easier for you. After  all, you won’t have to be the only adult to worry and care for  your teen. Your clinician will too!

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Teen

Calming The Morning Chaos

Every school day is the same. Getting your kids off to school is torture. You dread it. You get up, put out a  breakfast and start waking the kids. As usual they won’t  get out of bed. You turn on the lights. They finally sit  on the edge of their beds in a groggy state and complain  about the clothes you picked out. They resist getting  dressed. You fight and yell to get them dressed. Running  behind schedule, breakfast is served late. Milk gets  spilled because one of the kids needed “to do it  themselves”. You clean up despite their tears and yours.  A mad dash to the car follows with a piece of toast in your  teeth and coffee thermos in your hand. The kids grumpily  get out of the car at school and inform you that they left  their homework at home. There has to be a better way.

Why are mornings so hard? What can make them easier?  Children by nature resist activities that put demands on  them. School by necessity fits this billing. To top off  the demands schools place on kids, we put demands on  children immediately upon awakening. It is one thing for  us to spend a morning facing down our child’s resistance to  chores but a whole different thing to face down their  resistance in the short time we have before school.  Parents have a consciousness for time. Children do not.  So as we face their resistance to our demands (getting  dressed, having breakfast, getting school lunch ready) and  their resistance to school, we get progressively stressed  over the time. Meanwhile they don’t care so much about the  time and seem to revel in the battles with us. No wonder  you have stress!

To fix your morning routine you can take some easy  steps – and one hard one. First, prepare what you can the  night before – put out choices of clothes, set the  breakfast table, make school lunches, get backpacks ready.  In the morning break the routine into stages – (1. get up  and dressed; 2 have breakfast; 3. gather things; and 4.  move to car). Give limited choices in each of the stages.  (You can wear the blue shirt or the green shirt; you can  have oatmeal or cheerios). No matter what happens you keep  moving into the next stage. (“You can keep working on  getting dressed but I’m moving onto breakfast.”) You may  have to set a timer for each stage. Once the timer goes  off you are moving on – whether they are ready or not. For  a couple of days they may be playing catch up but then they  will start keeping up.

The major step parents need to take is not engaging in  the battles they want to wage. Remember it is through  these battles that they control the mornings. If you don’t  engage they must move along – after all, the timer says so.

In the evenings, discuss the morning and what went  well and what went wrong. Don’t argue but make  suggestions. Remind them about your commitment to the  timer. Reassert that you are going to move along with or  without them fulfilling each stage of the morning. The  next morning do it again. Stay with it. Repeat this  mantra – “Don’t engage in battles in the morning. Don’t  engage in battles in the morning. Keep moving along.”  Surprisingly over a short time your mornings, though never  perfect, will be better.