As parents, we always think that we have to do all the teaching of lessons for our kids. After all, we are the grown ups. We have the experience and wisdom. How many lectures  do we need to give our children until they take in and understand our wisdom? A long  time ago I learned that some lectures are better off not given at all. I am an avid Boston  Red Sox fan. My son has inherited my love of baseball. And his love of the game and of  one of its stars provided the opportunity for an important lesson for him and me. Here’s  my story.

Ten years ago, when he was eight, I took him to a Red Sox game. For days before the  game he asked me whether we would get autographs. We were planning to go to the  game after my workday, so I told him repeatedly that we would be getting there late and  would get nowhere near any players.

We got a late start that evening since I got home from work later than expected. We  raced out the door and headed to the train. He was jumping out of his shoes with  excitement.

I knew we were late and felt the pressure of maneuvering the two of us from  our train to the “T”. We got seats on train and started moving towards North Station.  I knew we had to change to the “T” so I was anxiously watching our movement toward  North Station. My son tapped me on the arm.

“Look Dad, I brought my favorite card.”  It was a Nomar Garciaparra rookie card (then worth five dollars according to his baseball card books and now not worth a dime). At that time, Nomar’s card was special to my son.  “Do you think we can get him to sign it?”, he asked me.

At this point, I thought to myself, first, we are late and we would never get anywhere close to Nomar. Second, the chance of him losing the card was 50/50. I initially felt like saying, “Why did you bring that? It is your special card. You’re going to lose it. And what were you thinking? We won’t get near Nomar.” But I had been reading some  parenting books, like a good pediatrician. And I had recently learned about experience  being a good teacher. So I held back.

“I don’t know if we’ll get close enough, but we can see.”

I didn’t react. I didn’t lecture. I just kept his hope alive and I hoped he wouldn’t lose the  card. I did not offer to hold it for him. It was his responsibility.

We arrived at our station and we carved our way through the crowd and out of the train  station. No sooner did we sit down on the next train than I heard a dreadful “Uh-oh,” and  my heart sank.

“What is it?” I said.

“Dad…Do you have my Nomar card?”

“No, pal. You didn’t give it to me,” I replied.

“Why? You can’t find it?”

“No,” as he looked frantically around the seats.

“Quick dad, can we go back to the last train and see if I left it on the seat?”

“No, pal. I’m sorry, that train is long gone.”

“My Nomar card…I lost it,” and with that he started to cry (and I almost did, too).

I held him and let him cry. I didn’t say I would replace it. I just let him cry. I said I was  sorry that he lost it and that I understood how it hurt. After a while he asked me whether I had ever lost anything of value. I reassured him that I had and that everyone has. But it was so hard to see him so heartbroken over his lost card.

Later after the game when we were home and I was tucking him in bed he told me “Dad, thanks for not being mad at me for losing my card. It made me feel better to know that  you lost something too.” This was a “Father Knows Best” moment for both of us, but  what he doesn’t know is the pain I went through to have it. It was hard to let him have  this lesson about caring for his things, and sorrow over losses. However I knew at heart  that these were important lessons.

I realize that many parents try to avoid having their children experience  disappointment and loss. But I wish more parents could allow their children some of  these experiences in life and not fear our role as parent to just be there to support them.  We don’t have to fix every break or replace every loss. We don’t have to lecture to teach  these lessons. In fact, lectures won’t work. You see, some of our children’s most  important lessons won’t be taught by us, it will be experienced by them. We just need to  be wise enough to support them through it.

So you are expecting your second child. Of course you want to prepare your older child who is probably one or older. You show them your growing belly. You let them feel some movement.  Perhaps they even see the baby on the ultrasound “TV” screen. You hope that involving them will  prepare them. But will they be prepared? What do they really expect when you’re expecting? Do they expect a playmate or a baby?

Naturally involving your children in changing family events is important. It is just difficult to  make them fully understand the coming of a newborn into your house. No matter how involved or  prepared they are, they will have some adjusting to do once the baby comes home.

At first, when your older child sees the new baby, there is a time of awe. It is not unlike the  awe we have as parents. Could this little being really have come from mommy’s belly? This awe  period may be short. It may involve a questioning of “what next?” And with that wonder, they may  have some fear. As a result they may want to be close to one or the other parent.

After a short time, children get a sense of pride along with the rest of the family that they “have  a new baby”. With that sense of pride comes a protectiveness or a possessiveness of the new baby.  Your child may react badly to others outside the immediate family when they hold the baby. They may  need reassurance that their baby is still theirs and won’t be taken away.

Even after witnessing some protectiveness, and knowing that rarely do older children intentionally hurt their younger newborn sibling, you cannot trust your older child around the baby. They may get angry at the newborn and want the baby “put back”. They can strike out or even  “accidentally” hurt the newborn. Though you need to protect the newborn, you do not want to  ostracize your older child. He or she still needs to be involved. Give them a role. They can be  guardian of a blanket or fetcher of the new diaper.

Some older children see the new baby and realize in their self centered world that the baby is  actually no threat to them and their kingdom or queendom. These perceptive children may be more  interested in the hospital bed going up and down than in the newborn. They may remain oblivious to  the baby but as a result may want the same amount of attention from you as before the baby was born.  Of course, this can be frustrating and impossible to do. Give them what attention you or your spouse  can. You may see them act out in negative ways to get your attention. Don’t give the negative  behavior undue attention. Try to complement and praise good behavior and minimize attention to the  negative acting out behaviors.

Some children challenge their parents after a newborn comes just to see if the rules at home are  the same. A big mistake parents make is being too lenient. Older children actually feel more secure to  know that the rules of the house are the same – bedtime is bedtime, there is no hitting allowed, and you  can’t throw food on the floor. Once older siblings discover that the home with a new baby has the same  rules as when the home didn’t have a baby, they back down from challenging the rules so much.

Many times the real challenges with the new life with two children come when the new child  becomes more of an equal of sorts to their older toddler. Once the older child sees the new child  walking and talking he may then see his younger sibling as a threat. Now his toys and his space might  be invaded by the cruising little monster. The older child does need his or her space. And their toys  may truly be unsafe for the younger child. Parents need to respect this space for the older child and not  push “sharing” too soon. Remember your cruising one year old won’t understand sharing at all. One  year olds think the world is theirs. Over time the older child, who has their “space” supported and  secured with the help of the parents protection, will come to feel secure and be able to open up to the  younger sibling on their terms. And sharing can then be taught.

Parents need to play a balance between two young siblings. The tendency is to put too much  pressure on the older to be the sharer, the accepter, and the more mature playmate. It is best to respect  the older and not take sides favoring the younger sibling. Kids perceive fairness and practice that  amongst themselves over time. Recognize that young siblings will have conflict. This is a challenge.  Use separation when necessary. Limit blame. Accept the conflict as natural. Be fair, balanced and  even tempered. Over time your kids will learn to be fair and balanced to each other. Eventually your  older child will have the playmate they always wanted.

You need to get something to wear for a weekend wedding. Despite your better judgment, you are with your kids while shopping. They start running around and going  in and out of clothes racks. One hides. You can’t find  him. Finally, he is found by another woman as he sits in  the middle of a circular clothes rack. You are getting  frustrated. “Can’t you be good? If you don’t stop it you  will get a time out when we get home and no snack!”  (Although you know they are hungry) Your children have  pensive looks for three or four seconds. What they are  thinking is this: We don’t know exactly what she means by  “being good”. We are being good! And as for this threat,  we bet she won’t carry it out by the time we get home. Ah  what the heck, that’s a long time from now. We might as  well be good while having fun. Having fun is good. So  after the three to four seconds of thinking, they take off  together and play in the clothes again. Now you re really  frustrated. You yell, “Now that’s it. You are definitely  getting a time out at home.” Your kids stop for a second,  the same thoughts in their heads, and go on playing.

The problem with this scene is twofold. One problem  is clarity of expectations. And the other is of  consequence. A vague instruction like “be good” allows  wide interpretation for children. They may always see  themselves as good. After all, what is wrong about  exploring an environment? Parents need to be specific  about expectations. “You can’t run in here and I need to  be able to see you”.

Secondly, there has to be clear and immediate  consequence. “If you keep running and hiding, you will  have to sit in the carriage or hold my hand.”

By clarifying the specific expectation, your children  know how to want them to “be good”. And by having an  immediate consequence that you can carry out, they know  that you mean what you say.

By giving kids meaningless threats, you put yourself  at odds with your children. By nature anyone who is put at  odds with another feels challenged. Few people don’t  accept the challenge. Therefore, by threatening your child  you are almost asking them to misbehave. You are  challenging them to “cross this line”. Threats are a  useless tool to get your children to behave. Don’t bother  with them. You are setting yourself up for failure.

Threats are also demeaning and authoritarian. They  are an attempt by you to use fear to get your way. This is  not constructive for your children in the long run. When  children are given a clear framework within which they  should operate (no running or hiding) and clear consequence  of what happens when they go outside the framework (hold  hands with you or put in a carriage), they use their  intellect to make appropriate choices. As parents, this is  what we want children to do over time – make appropriate  choices for themselves.