Category Archives: Family

Behavior, Community, Family, Homepage, Nutrition, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Managing Our Children’s Diets

By now most people in the U.S. recognize that there is an epidemic of obesity in our children. Statistically, the  percentage of overweight children has more than doubled  since the 1960’s. Along with that, we have seen an  increase in the number of kids with high blood pressure and  Type 2 diabetes. But what action have parents taken to  stem the tide of childhood obesity? What can they do?

Before I answer those questions I want to explain a  phenomenon that I have noticed in the majority of  overweight children that I see. The phenomenon I see has  to do with children’s growth curves. In kids who get  overweight, they are not overweight in the first few years  of life. Their growth curve changes direction and they  become overweight only when they take over control of their  own diet. When I ask about their diet I usually get the  same answers – they eat pizza, spaghetti, burgers, fries,  and few fruits and vegetables. So this is the answer to the question about what parents can do. Parents need to stay in  control of children’s diets even into late grade school.  Here’s how.

  1. Don’t pay attention to kids’ likes and dislikes. Children can choose to eat or not to eat. If  they don’t eat, they can wait until the next meal,  even if it is breakfast. Children won’t starve themselves. We don’t need to push them to eat  everything.
  2. Be a good example. This is an essential rule. Parents should choose the healthy meals.  If your kids don’t like it and won’t eat – that’s  ok. They need to learn to choose from the healthy  choices that you present. They need to earn the  right to have a choice in meals by eating good  foods first. Bring good foods into your home. You have the  power of the purse. Don’t buy the junk. If it’s  in your home they will eat it. Stay away from  packaged foods, fries and soda. Buy more fruits  and vegetables and make them accessible for taking.  Teach your children that you respect your body by what you put into it and they will learn to respect  their body too.
  3. Make some firm house rules. Once food is on the table, they cannot ask for something else.  Parents who are short order cooks end up feeding their kids what they want and not what they should have!
  4. Cut down on kid’s TV time. TV is clearly linked to kids diets. All kids want what they see on TV.
  5. Get out together for family fun. Bike rides, walks, hikes, or going to a park  are good for all families.
  6. As school starts, be aware of school lunches.  They are typically not too healthy. Make your kids lunches and add healthy snacks. At least you have control of what they bring to school. At first, much of it will come back home again.

The obesity problem in children is caused by lifestyle  choices made by families. It is rarely caused by thyroid  or other hormone issues. If we teach our children a  healthy lifestyle, that will be a lesson that can add years  onto their lives and take away years of suffering with  obesity related illnesses. Take control of their diet  when they are young. Hold onto that control during grade school. Show them other means of staying healthy through exercise and activity. You will all add years to your enjoyment of each other.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Living With Our Childrens Emotions

You tell your daughter that she cannot go over a  friend’s house and she runs to her room to cry. You tell  your son to stop throwing the legos and he proceeds to  angrily destroy his castle and scatter legos around the  room. Our children express emotion openly and actively.  How should parents deal with their emotions? What do your  kids expect from us when they act out their emotions in  such extreme ways?

Children need to experience emotion during childhood  and learn how to deal with emotion over time. Parents can  help them learn from emotional outbursts. But many parents  approach emotion in ways that confuse children. Some  parents try to fix it. If a pet dies, they replace the pet  with a new one. Therefore, their child doesn’t learn to  mourn.

Some parents provide excuses for emotion. “She always  acts like this when she is tired.” A child learns that he  doesn’t have to deal with emotion, he just needs to rest.  And finally, many parents own their child’s emotion. When  they see their child upset, they absorb the emotion  themselves and the whole house is occupied by that child’s  emotion. The child learns that she doesn’t have to deal  with emotion. It is as if the children think that mom and  the whole house can deal with my emotion for me and I get  all the attention in the process. In this situation the  more the parent tries to deal with the emotion, the more  emotion the parent sees. The child only becomes more  confused by dealing with their personal emotion as  everyone’s problem.

So how should parents deal with their child’s emotion?

To teach children how to handle their emotions parents  need to label the emotion for the child. Children often  find themselves reacting without understanding why. If we  can teach them what each emotion is, they start to learn  that these emotions are part of what everyone experiences.  They can start to believe that emotions are a normal part  of life. What’s more, they see in their parent an  understanding of emotions.

Parents need to learn some vocabulary of emotion in  order to label the emotions of their children.  Disappointments, sadness, grief, anger, excitement,  surprise, frustration, envy, joy, are just a beginning to a  vocabulary of emotion. There are lists of emotions and  even refrigerator magnets with faces and emotions labeled.  Do some work on your vocabulary.

Once you are able to label a child’s emotion, the next  step for parents is to express empathy. This is an  expression of understanding of the feeling the child is  experiencing. Labeling the emotion starts this. But  relating an experience with the same emotion shows our  child that you have been there too. “I know you are  disappointed. I have been disappointed by the change of  plans many times. I’m sorry you’re disappointed.” This  tells the child that you have experienced the same emotion  and have gotten over it. Children don’t know whether their  feeling will go away. They have a sense that they will be  disappointed forever. Hearing that you’ve had the same  emotion and have gotten over it ends your child’s belief  that the feeling won’t go away.

Finally, parents need to let their children experience  the emotion. You cannot take it away. But after proper  labeling and empathy the child can develop the capacity to  move through their emotion. Let them cry or stomp. You  have done your job. Remember they may want you involved  with their emotion. They may want to bring the house down  into their feeling. After labeling and expressing empathy,  it is best to let them process their emotion on their own.  They will grow in the experience.

Of course if your child is experiencing extremes of  emotion and are dangers to themselves or others, you should  seek help. Otherwise by following these guidelines,  children can learn to deal with their emotions and parents  will grow in their parenting skills.

Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Values and Morals

Lessons From El Rancho Santa Fe

I have returned several times to a very special place  in Honduras. In the midst of the extreme poverty that  continues to haunt Honduras there is a refuge for children  called El Rancho Santa Fe. It is an orphanage for children  who have lost their parents run by the organization  Nuestros Pequenos Hermanos – Our Little Brothers and  Sisters. What makes this place so special is the love,  joy, caring and sharing that comes from these orphaned  children and those around them.

The orphanage is set up with the philosophy that these  children have suffered one great loss in their lives so the  orphanage will not let them have another. No child is  given up for adoption. They can have faith that the  orphanage is their home. They come to the orphanage to be  accepted into a family of 600 children. The orphanage is  run by Honduran staff and foreign volunteers. The ranch  takes these children from a period of abandonment to a life  of love.

The children are the story for this orphanage. Every  function is to improve the lives of the children. The  children have clean homes, clothes, good food, a school,  and access to health care. They are kept safe. They are  taught a work ethic that helps them value what they  contribute to the greater society. Even six and seven year  olds can be seen sweeping or cleaning without complaint.  They see around them a community where everyone  contributes.

The children are alive. Their eyes sparkle with joy  when they take your hand. They want to know your name and  want you to know theirs. You are immediately accepted into  their community. You cannot avoid being drawn into their  life by the affection they show.

They are thriving at this place. Many children  complete high school. They all learn a trade. Many go  onto university. Two are currently in medical school.  Such a success rate cannot be matched in many American  communities much less other impoverished Honduran  communities.

I have been to this orphanage three times to  volunteer. But my contributions pale in comparison to what  I receive from these orphans. The lessons are many. But  the biggest most obvious lesson is that when children are  provided with clothes, food, housing, a safe environment,  health care and education, they thrive. Of course they  need love and care. But when provided with those basic  needs, by loving people they find the love they need and  share it.

Each time I leave El Rancho Santa Fe, I leave with  sadness because of the love I feel there. Every visit  brings momentous sentimental memories that I cherish. I  wish more people could experience this and learn the  lessons about contribution to a greater social good. That  frame of mind is a much needed commodity in our society.  The changes needed in medicine today will only come when  people learn the lessons of El Rancho Santa Fe.

Behavior, Family, Homepage, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Learning the Vocabulary of Emotion

When birthdays come around, birthday gifts are given to the birthday child and others are jealous. When a pet dies,  children grieve. When a play date cannot happen, a child is  disappointed. When an obstacle is faced, bravery is summoned.  Children can be joyful, happy or downright elated. When one  child has a friend over and the sibling does not, one is happy,  but the other is resentful. How can we bring up children and  handle all their emotions if we can’t label what emotions they  are having? The answer is – we can’t. It is important for all  parents to learn a vocabulary of emotion.

When our children have an emotion, part of how they learn  to deal with it is learning what it is. When children are in an  emotional state they don’t know if it will last forever or go  away shortly. A feeling can be negative or positive. Kids may  want joyful emotions to last forever. On the other hand, sad  emotions feel like they will last forever. In either case,  emotions are learning opportunities. To teach about emotion  parents need to label it for the child. These are new  experiences for them. After a label, a parent can relate an  experience with that emotion. “I was disappointed last week  when daddy had to work late and we couldn’t go out to dinner.  Remember?” This shows the child that you have been there – and  survived the emotion. Then the child should be allowed to get  over their emotion – to have it, own it and learn how to resolve  it. It is not the parent’s job to get the child out of the  emotion. The child will only learn to get things by using the  emotion another time.

So, how does a parent learn a vocabulary of emotion? Let’s  start with these words: Happy, sad, angry, disappointed,  depressed, enraged, surprised, embarrassed, scared, brave,  aggressive, defensive, elated, lonely, jealous, resentful,  frustrated, mourning, sorry, pensive, love, hate, proud. This  is a start. Learn these words and what they mean. More  importantly, notice when your child experiences the emotion and  label it for them. “It seems you are jealous that you didn’t  get a present. We all get jealous at times.” Then let your  child experience the emotion. I am convinced that we are doing  more harm to children by robbing them of their emotional  experiences than we would do by labeling the experience and  letting them own it. When children grow having emotions and  understanding them, they become more stable young adults. If  children grow up in families that deny emotion or avoid dealing  with emotion, kids become confused by emotion well into  adulthood. Take the first step in helping your kids. Label their  emotion and show some understanding of it- they will thank you  when they become a mature adult.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Toddler

Just Do It

Your usually compliant fifteen month old starts arching her back to avoid getting into her car seat. Tooth brushing is met with firmly sealed lips. Perhaps changing  into pajamas gets to be a struggle. Suddenly everything you do with your 15 to 18 month old child’s body becomes a  wrestling match. What is going on? How should parents face these challenging struggles?

I see many parents who spend time every day trying to  rationally talk their toddler into doing what the parents  want. They often give up with a frustrated shrug saying  “he just won’t cooperate”. It is quite natural for  children of this age to refuse to have things done to their  bodies. At a year and a half of age children become very  focused on “me”. They strive for control of things for  themselves. At the same time that they refuse to have  things done for them they often demand that “I do it”. Of  course they may not have the skills to do things well such  as brushing their teeth or buckling their car seat.  Nevertheless, they want to do it themselves. Interceding  with their process causes a fit. So what is the best way  to face this willfulness?

Children at this age do not respond to reasoning very  well. After all, they do not have a reasonable assessment  of their ability to accomplish certain tasks, do they?  Parents will waste time and energy trying to rationally  discuss the approach to the problem at hand. We do better  giving the child a fair chance at the task and them taking  over with “our turn”. Many children won’t react well to  even a shared task. Nevertheless, parents need not allow  the child to control the situation for too long. After a  couple of options and a certain amount of time my wife and  I would resolve the situation by saying “sorry, its time to  just do it”. We would know that we would face a struggle  but we would be ready for it. The first step in “doing it”  was being in position to avoid an escape. Often my son or  daughter would need to be held. Gentle consistent pressure  would overcome any back bending resistance to a car seat.  It takes practice to hold your child and brush teeth or  change a diaper. A colleague of mine was in the practice  of changing a diaper with her knees holding her child’s  torso so her face, body and arms faced her child’s legs. Her arms were free to clean the dirty diaper area. It  seems mean and we need to be careful about how much force  we use. But because many toddlers resist things that need  to be done, parents need to have a point to “just do it”.  It’s not only a slogan for Nike. It is a necessity in homes with toddlers around. Yes we can give toddlers  choices. We can give them a moment to decide to cooperate.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen, Values and Morals

It’s Not Fair

You say “no” to your eight year old. He has enough legos and he doesn’t need ones he has. Then you hear it. “It’s not  fair. Jimmy has that one. How come I can’t get it?” Now you  feel a little guilty. He’s right; his friend Jimmy does have  it. But your son has enough. Should you change your mind?

“It’s not fair.” What a phrase! How do kids learn to use  this? All parents have to realize that all kids use this phrase  to try to guilt their parents into giving them what they want.  All kids! It fascinates me how they learn to use it. Kids must  know that you care to please them. They know that. It becomes  a universal play children use to make you feel that you are not  pleasing them as much as every other parent is pleasing their  children. The follow up to “it’s not fair” is “everyone else  has it”. Do they really know that “everyone else has it” or  “gets it” or “is going to get it”? Of course not. But since  when does a child’s argument have to be factual.

Meanwhile, parents are overloaded. We work more hours. We  spend less time as a family. So many parents compensate by  getting things and giving in to their kids. No wonder kids  learn that “it’s not fair” plays into the parent’s guilt by  making parents feel like they are depriving them not only with  less time together but also with not getting them what everyone  else has.

However, there is a lesson that kids need to learn. Kids  need to know that life isn’t fair. It never is and never will  be. Nor should our kids expect it to be. Many young adults  today are suffering depression from the shock of trying to  sustain all that was handed to them when they were younger as  they enter the “real world” and have to earn things for  themselves. They are learning too late that life isn’t fair.

This doesn’t mean that we should purposely deprive  children. It does mean that we have to recognize this play of  “it’s not fair”. Children shouldn’t be teaching parents about  fairness. We should be teaching them. To start, we need to  face down this play by saying “You are right. It is not fair.  But you can’t always get something because you want it.”  (Editorial comment – The advertising campaign by a certain car  company, which says, “a strong want is a justifiable need” is  teaching a horrible lesson!)

Kids don’t have a good sense of fairness. They learn this  by having good rules that apply to all at home. They learn  fairness from what example we show. Do we treat others with  respect and fairness?

Alternatively, our kids also need to learn unfairness.  Unfairness that hurts people should be fought. This goes for  parents and children to fight injustice in our society on the  small scale and the large scale. But small bits of unfairness –  when a friend gets to go some place special and your child  doesn’t – or when their friend has something they don’t – your  child needs to learn that you can’t always get what you want.  This is really less about fairness and more about how children  learn about disappointment – an emotion they need to learn!

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Is Our Culture Raising Your Child

It is startling how our culture is affecting our  children. When we talk about culture, we include different  facets of life exerting influence on society’s members.  Religion, art, traditions, and family habits and hobbies  should create an environment where children grow in a  culture of values. Today the greatest value that  influences our children’s development may be consumerism  stemming from the influence of TV & technology. This has  been recently outlined in the book “Born to Buy: The  Commercialized Child and the New Consumer Culture” by  Juliet Schor. In this book, Ms. Schor dissects the effects  of marketing to children. She shows how powerfully our  children have been commercialized and what negative  outcomes result. Ms. Schor points out that in our consumer  culture, our children are suffering more depression,  anxiety, low self esteem and psychosomatic complaints.  These troubling conclusions are based on Ms. Schor’s own  study of 300 fifth and sixth graders.

Other books also confirm our society’s effects on children  as consumers. In his book, Seven Habits of Highly  Effective Families, Steven Covey points out that there are  many differences in our culture now compared to forty to  fifty years ago. Fifty years ago, family life consisted  of one parent working outside the home, extended family  nearby, religion a part of their lives, low incidence of  violent crime, safe schools without discipline problems,  and a low influence of TV and technology. Today we  have a high divorce rate, 60% need of daycare, both  parents working out of the home by necessity, increased  violent crime, discipline problems in schools, distant  extended families, decreased influence of religion, and an  overwhelming influence of TV and technology. This change  in our culture is overwhelming! The key question is how  can families bring back their own culture while staving off  the harmful effects of our culture.

Here are some ideas.

  1. Establish continuous family traditions. We all may get  together as a family on Christmas and Thanksgiving. But  what about repetitive traditions like family meals together  around a table or a Sunday afternoon outing together as a  family. Family traditions establish a base from which our  kids can establish an identity. It is definitely time for  families to reestablish some foundation of traditions that  aren’t just once or twice a year.
  2. Increase time for personal interaction within the  family. Turn off the TV. Play games. Kids can learn a  lot from you but only if they are interacting
  3. Decrease use of technology at home. Technology is  taking over our culture. Limit its use so it doesn’t  interfere with family time.
  4. Discuss and think about religion. Every culture has  religion playing a role. Be open to discuss your views and  to hear your kid’s views on religion. However, even if  they are entitled to their opinion, you still have a right  to expose them to your religious beliefs.
  5. Practice art and art appreciation. No matter if you  are good or bad in art, kids need exposure to different  forms of art – and many programs are cut from schools.  Many museums have programs for kids and have open times for  families with kids. You don’t have to be good in art to  foster an interest and appreciation of art.
  6. Play music. Listen to different types of music. Seek  out plays and drama. Or in the least, appreciate some  classic good movies together.
  7. Enjoy our nature. Our natural surroundings are  beautiful and contribute greatly to our culture. Let your  kids know how our seaside setting has contributed to how we  lived in the past and how we live today.
  8. Decrease emphasis on consumerism. Don’t focus only  on certain brand names. And recognize that advertising  is having a tremendous effect on kids. Decrease their  exposure to it. Throw out those catalogs quickly and tune  out those commercials. With an increase in consciousness  toward the deluge of marketing towards our kids, perhaps  more parents can work to decrease its effect on the culture  in which our kids are growing.
Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

How to Stop Spoiling your Children

After traveling to developing countries and back, I am left with the impression that  American children seem to get everything they want. Two major news companies have  published reports about how children are dominating their parents. Even marketing  efforts have targeted children to influence big family purchases such as cars and  vacations. How do our children get so spoiled and what can we do about it?

There are two ways to spoil children. One way is to give anything and everything  they want. The other is by giving the child all the attention all the time – even when  they don’t deserve it. In both ways of spoiling, children learn to manipulate people.  They learn to get things or attention even without earning it. Spoiled children become  self centered and interested only in self satisfaction. They get fleeting satisfaction from  new things or by controlling the attention from their parents but never are truly happy or  satisfied. But there are ways to fight spoiling.

Parents need to distinguish between our children’s needs versus their wants. We  mistakenly give into our children’s desires thinking they can’t do without those things  they want. But they can!! Kids can actually get by with very little. I know. I have seen  it in action in the orphanage in Honduras. The orphanage director, my friend, Richard,  says that kids actually do better with the less “stuff” so long as they have food, shelter,  clothing and love. Obviously, our kids are exposed to so much it is natural to want things.  It is just important to know they don’t need everything that “everyone else gets”. Kids  really don’t need much to be happy.

If your child wants you to buy them everything, decrease exposure to advertising.  Throw away newspaper inserts and decrease exposure to TV commercials. Saying “no”  more often to their requests will decrease their demands on you over time.

If you have the monetary means to buy your children everything – don’t. Give  your child a way to earn things. Let them obtain enough by their own effort to buy things  for themselves. At least they will learn about earning and making good and bad  purchases.

Some children are spoiled by dominating their family’s attention. This manner of  spoiling promotes behaviors such as whining, tantruming and crying to get their way.  Parents need to learn that you don’t have to own every emotion your child throws at  you. Let them have their emotion and behavior after expressing some understanding. If  parents can learn to face behavior and emotion without giving substantial attention, their  children will learn to deal with these situations without dominating the attention and,  therefore, without being spoiled. Put more simply, whining, tantrums and crying to get  their way should never work for children.

Our children need to grow in environments that foster understanding of the world,  development of a good work ethic and a decreased sense of entitlement. These lessons  can only come if our children grow up without being spoiled. It is with spoiling that our  children grow up thinking that the world revolves around them. We must teach kids what  they can contribute to the world instead of what the world should be giving to them.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Help for Parents of Twins

Wow! The number of twins we see these days! They are so adorable in their twin outfits, twin stroller and twin beds.  But, we don’t see all the work involved with twins when we see  them strolled through a store. Twins are a lot of work. How  can parents of twins handle things better at home? And what can  others do to help?

I asked these questions to several parents of twins and  they gave me their thoughts. First of all, many twins are more  likely to be born early. But this is ok. Most do very well in  the special care nursery. The first couple of weeks in the  hospital can give you more time to get ready at home. You can  get rested and recovered before having full responsibility for  your twins. Just recognize that it can be an emotional time  having newborns and can be disappointing that they don’t come  home with you. Their time in the special care nursery is very  important to their ultimate well being upon discharge. Don’t  push it. Let those wonderful people in special care get your  twins healthy and ready for your care at home. And remember  they may not be ready to go home at the same time.

If you, as the mother, had a C-section delivery, make sure  you have help at home. You need to recover and will need help  with the twins. Fathers can take time off and may use the  Family Medical Leave Act to get extra time.

Any family with twins needs extra hands at home. Use in-
laws, friends and other relatives to cook you meals, do your  shopping and clean your home. Swallow your pride and accept the  help. There is no badge for being macho about handling twins by  yourself. Your family members who are there to help, cook meals  and clean and do menial tasks. The parents need the time with  the twins. Everyone expects to help families by helping with  “the twins”. By doing other things at home you are helping the  twins and by keeping more hands off the twins you are helping  the twins. Let the parents, especially the mother, care for the  twins. Helpers should help support her work but not take it over.

Older children need extra support. Friends and family  members can really help here. Older children often get lost in  the shuffle between twin diaper changes. They need some  involvement but they also need some time with parents and others  giving them some special time.

With the newborn twins, try to keep things simple and  convenient. If one gets hungry, try to feed them both. It will  be best over time to get them on the same schedule. Keep their  beds and changing areas close to your bed. Late night changes  will be easier.

Most importantly, recognize that you’ll probably get half  of what you want to get done done. Don’t sweat it. Relax. Be  flexible.

At the same time be vocal. If you have too much help and  too many visitors, politely say so. Tell people to freeze a  meal for you and send it over next week so they have a way to  help without being in your way. Conversely, if you don’t have  enough help, call people. Families with twins, triplets and  other “multiples” need to have hands around the house. If you  don’t have enough, call in-laws or friends and have someone stay  for a while.

As the twins grow, make sure people know who is who. Refer  to them by their names. Tell people about their individual  skills and attributes. Take pictures together and separate.  Twins tend to be raised as an item. People ask, how are the  twins? Rather than how are John and Jake? From the beginning  these kids will have individual personalities and people need to  recognize their individuality.

Twins are great. They are adorable. They are challenging.

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Handling the Aggresive Child

You bring your child to the playground and before too long you see him push another boy to get his turn at a steering wheel. You scold him but minutes later he pulls  a swing away from another child and pushes his way onto the swing. So you leave. On  other play dates you feel like you have to constantly police him from moment to moment  turns of aggression. You feel that your child is the bully of the group. What can you do?

It often takes parents by surprise that their child could be so aggressive. But  aggressive personalities exist in adults and children. We really shouldn’t be surprised by  natural aggressiveness in children. The real question is what to do about it.

Some aggressiveness in children is good. Aggressiveness in young children may  turn into determination in school or sports later on. Children especially boys are  naturally competitive. Young children do not know how to channel this competitiveness  with fairness. Fairness and equity has to be learned. We shouldn’t try to squash  aggressiveness. It needs direction and fine tuning.

Once we accept aggressiveness as natural we have a better perspective to guide  children. We cannot change their personalities. When we try, they fight it and we get  frustrated. What we can do is supply times, areas, and games that allow aggressiveness.  We need to correct them regularly for times that they are inappropriate. During those  times they may need to be pulled aside and isolated from the group or the play area.

If children are aggressive toward themselves by pulling their own hair, banging  their head or stomping their feet, ignore them. Don’t call undue attention to these  relatively mild forms of self aggression. However, if self aggression gets too harmful  with cuts, bruises, and other injuries seek some help or advice from a professional.

If your child smashes inanimate objects or throws things, take those away. He  may need to have a corner or another space to act out his aggression. He may need a  punching bag or a small trampoline to pound on. Showing a child what he can do with  his aggressiveness helps him channel those feelings.

Some kids need to have activities that help them express aggression. Many  different sports help children do this. The rules of the sport become a microcosm of the  world. So long as children have good sportsmanship role models (which can be hard to  come by sometimes) over time children learn what level of aggression is accepted  “within the rules of the game”. This can then transfer to the rules of life as well.

Patience is required. Perseverance is required as well. It takes both to teach  aggressive kids to be fair and appropriate. Young children will take years to have full  understanding of the rules.

Of course if a child is persistently aggressive in inappropriate places especially  outside the family with classmates or teammates, perhaps seeking help would be  advisable. But for most children aggressive behavior can be channeled into a virtue over  time. It all depends on whether they allow their aggressiveness to be managed and  directed or not.