Category Archives: Cultural Influences

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Diseases and Conditions, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Mental Health Crisis: What Can We Do

On a daily basis I am reminded that we are in the  midst of a mental health crisis with our children.  Pediatricians across the country and in Massachusetts are  seeing record numbers of mental health issues in children  and teenagers. Attention Deficit Disorder is on the rise.  Bipolar Disorder has increased in all age groups.  Depression and anxiety are also seen in dramatically higher  numbers. And that is only part of the crisis. Child  psychiatrists are in short supply. Psychologist’s  practices are full. And most recently, the medicines that  were in common use were restricted in use in children.  This situation was recognized in 2002 by the Bush  Administration’s New Freedom Commission on Mental Health.  The Commission concluded that the Mental Health system was  under funded and in “shambles”. Two years later the  situation is worse. What can we do about it?

It is time for all of us to recognize that there is a  crisis in mental health, particularly for children. Once  we recognize the problem perhaps we can try to make  government officials and health care insurers more  accountable to work towards a solution. We need more drug  treatment centers for teens and children. (Presently,  there are none for kids under 18!!) We need more child  psychiatrists and psychologists. (Currently it doesn’t pay  for people to do all the therapy needed.) Meanwhile we all  need to ask, “Why are we having so many mental health  issues in our children?” The answer may be difficult.  Perhaps as we ponder this question we can come up with  answers that may help children in the meantime. Here are  my suggestions.

1. From a young age we need our children to learn coping  skills. Kids need to learn how to handle their emotions.  recent Newsweek article suggested that our children  receive so much so easily in early years that they  have a hard time coping when things come harder when  they have to work for it themselves. Maybe this is true –  maybe not. Nonetheless, we need to help our children to  work through their own emotions early on so they know how  to do it themselves when they are older. Many times we, as  parents, try to move kids past their emotions. For example  when a pet dies we often replace that pet with a new one.  What we really need to do is let our children work through  their emotions on their loss of a pet. It is important for  kids to grow up learning that someone won’t always be there  to rescue them from their emotion.

2. We need to increase interaction with our children and  keep interacting with them as they grow. Turn off the TV  and the computer. Play games, go outside, and do things  together – young & old.

3. Teach our kids tolerance and inclusiveness. Not  everyone should fit into the well established molds  our society is creating. We need more than jocks and  cheerleaders. We need musicians, artists, dancers and  clowns. There is a diverse world of people with diverse  world of skills and living in a diverse world of color  and culture. We need to expect it and respect it so our  children do too. Then few children are isolated by “not  fitting in.”

4. Recognize our children’s real skills. Don’t push the  sports if your child really doesn’t like it or isn’t good  at it. Expose your child to a spectrum of activities.  Find their true interests and skills over time. Then help  them build their ego around it. Too many kids get hurt by  trying to fit into the molds society or parents are setting  for them. Let your child make his/her own mold.

5. Recognize the signs when your child isn’t coping. Is  your child isolated? Alone? Withdrawing? Is he or she  causing trouble in different sectors of his/her society?  Is there trouble at school? Is there trouble with friends?  Is your child giving up? Not caring for his/herself?  Recognize the signs and seek help early.

6. If you live in a home that suffers from some form of  abuse – seek help. There are organizations such as HAWK  that helps families in such situations. Even if you are  the abuser, seek help. I have had the experience where  an abusing father recognized his problem, sought help and  saved his family.

7. The mental health crisis is reaching too many corners  of our society. It is time for all of us to recognize  this so we can diminish any shame that prevents people  from getting help. We need to reach out and help when we  can. And we need to hold our children in safe, secure, and  positive places so their mental health has the best chance  of staying well.

Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Values and Morals

Lessons From El Rancho Santa Fe

I have returned several times to a very special place  in Honduras. In the midst of the extreme poverty that  continues to haunt Honduras there is a refuge for children  called El Rancho Santa Fe. It is an orphanage for children  who have lost their parents run by the organization  Nuestros Pequenos Hermanos – Our Little Brothers and  Sisters. What makes this place so special is the love,  joy, caring and sharing that comes from these orphaned  children and those around them.

The orphanage is set up with the philosophy that these  children have suffered one great loss in their lives so the  orphanage will not let them have another. No child is  given up for adoption. They can have faith that the  orphanage is their home. They come to the orphanage to be  accepted into a family of 600 children. The orphanage is  run by Honduran staff and foreign volunteers. The ranch  takes these children from a period of abandonment to a life  of love.

The children are the story for this orphanage. Every  function is to improve the lives of the children. The  children have clean homes, clothes, good food, a school,  and access to health care. They are kept safe. They are  taught a work ethic that helps them value what they  contribute to the greater society. Even six and seven year  olds can be seen sweeping or cleaning without complaint.  They see around them a community where everyone  contributes.

The children are alive. Their eyes sparkle with joy  when they take your hand. They want to know your name and  want you to know theirs. You are immediately accepted into  their community. You cannot avoid being drawn into their  life by the affection they show.

They are thriving at this place. Many children  complete high school. They all learn a trade. Many go  onto university. Two are currently in medical school.  Such a success rate cannot be matched in many American  communities much less other impoverished Honduran  communities.

I have been to this orphanage three times to  volunteer. But my contributions pale in comparison to what  I receive from these orphans. The lessons are many. But  the biggest most obvious lesson is that when children are  provided with clothes, food, housing, a safe environment,  health care and education, they thrive. Of course they  need love and care. But when provided with those basic  needs, by loving people they find the love they need and  share it.

Each time I leave El Rancho Santa Fe, I leave with  sadness because of the love I feel there. Every visit  brings momentous sentimental memories that I cherish. I  wish more people could experience this and learn the  lessons about contribution to a greater social good. That  frame of mind is a much needed commodity in our society.  The changes needed in medicine today will only come when  people learn the lessons of El Rancho Santa Fe.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Is Our Culture Raising Your Child

It is startling how our culture is affecting our  children. When we talk about culture, we include different  facets of life exerting influence on society’s members.  Religion, art, traditions, and family habits and hobbies  should create an environment where children grow in a  culture of values. Today the greatest value that  influences our children’s development may be consumerism  stemming from the influence of TV & technology. This has  been recently outlined in the book “Born to Buy: The  Commercialized Child and the New Consumer Culture” by  Juliet Schor. In this book, Ms. Schor dissects the effects  of marketing to children. She shows how powerfully our  children have been commercialized and what negative  outcomes result. Ms. Schor points out that in our consumer  culture, our children are suffering more depression,  anxiety, low self esteem and psychosomatic complaints.  These troubling conclusions are based on Ms. Schor’s own  study of 300 fifth and sixth graders.

Other books also confirm our society’s effects on children  as consumers. In his book, Seven Habits of Highly  Effective Families, Steven Covey points out that there are  many differences in our culture now compared to forty to  fifty years ago. Fifty years ago, family life consisted  of one parent working outside the home, extended family  nearby, religion a part of their lives, low incidence of  violent crime, safe schools without discipline problems,  and a low influence of TV and technology. Today we  have a high divorce rate, 60% need of daycare, both  parents working out of the home by necessity, increased  violent crime, discipline problems in schools, distant  extended families, decreased influence of religion, and an  overwhelming influence of TV and technology. This change  in our culture is overwhelming! The key question is how  can families bring back their own culture while staving off  the harmful effects of our culture.

Here are some ideas.

  1. Establish continuous family traditions. We all may get  together as a family on Christmas and Thanksgiving. But  what about repetitive traditions like family meals together  around a table or a Sunday afternoon outing together as a  family. Family traditions establish a base from which our  kids can establish an identity. It is definitely time for  families to reestablish some foundation of traditions that  aren’t just once or twice a year.
  2. Increase time for personal interaction within the  family. Turn off the TV. Play games. Kids can learn a  lot from you but only if they are interacting
  3. Decrease use of technology at home. Technology is  taking over our culture. Limit its use so it doesn’t  interfere with family time.
  4. Discuss and think about religion. Every culture has  religion playing a role. Be open to discuss your views and  to hear your kid’s views on religion. However, even if  they are entitled to their opinion, you still have a right  to expose them to your religious beliefs.
  5. Practice art and art appreciation. No matter if you  are good or bad in art, kids need exposure to different  forms of art – and many programs are cut from schools.  Many museums have programs for kids and have open times for  families with kids. You don’t have to be good in art to  foster an interest and appreciation of art.
  6. Play music. Listen to different types of music. Seek  out plays and drama. Or in the least, appreciate some  classic good movies together.
  7. Enjoy our nature. Our natural surroundings are  beautiful and contribute greatly to our culture. Let your  kids know how our seaside setting has contributed to how we  lived in the past and how we live today.
  8. Decrease emphasis on consumerism. Don’t focus only  on certain brand names. And recognize that advertising  is having a tremendous effect on kids. Decrease their  exposure to it. Throw out those catalogs quickly and tune  out those commercials. With an increase in consciousness  toward the deluge of marketing towards our kids, perhaps  more parents can work to decrease its effect on the culture  in which our kids are growing.
Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

How to Stop Spoiling your Children

After traveling to developing countries and back, I am left with the impression that  American children seem to get everything they want. Two major news companies have  published reports about how children are dominating their parents. Even marketing  efforts have targeted children to influence big family purchases such as cars and  vacations. How do our children get so spoiled and what can we do about it?

There are two ways to spoil children. One way is to give anything and everything  they want. The other is by giving the child all the attention all the time – even when  they don’t deserve it. In both ways of spoiling, children learn to manipulate people.  They learn to get things or attention even without earning it. Spoiled children become  self centered and interested only in self satisfaction. They get fleeting satisfaction from  new things or by controlling the attention from their parents but never are truly happy or  satisfied. But there are ways to fight spoiling.

Parents need to distinguish between our children’s needs versus their wants. We  mistakenly give into our children’s desires thinking they can’t do without those things  they want. But they can!! Kids can actually get by with very little. I know. I have seen  it in action in the orphanage in Honduras. The orphanage director, my friend, Richard,  says that kids actually do better with the less “stuff” so long as they have food, shelter,  clothing and love. Obviously, our kids are exposed to so much it is natural to want things.  It is just important to know they don’t need everything that “everyone else gets”. Kids  really don’t need much to be happy.

If your child wants you to buy them everything, decrease exposure to advertising.  Throw away newspaper inserts and decrease exposure to TV commercials. Saying “no”  more often to their requests will decrease their demands on you over time.

If you have the monetary means to buy your children everything – don’t. Give  your child a way to earn things. Let them obtain enough by their own effort to buy things  for themselves. At least they will learn about earning and making good and bad  purchases.

Some children are spoiled by dominating their family’s attention. This manner of  spoiling promotes behaviors such as whining, tantruming and crying to get their way.  Parents need to learn that you don’t have to own every emotion your child throws at  you. Let them have their emotion and behavior after expressing some understanding. If  parents can learn to face behavior and emotion without giving substantial attention, their  children will learn to deal with these situations without dominating the attention and,  therefore, without being spoiled. Put more simply, whining, tantrums and crying to get  their way should never work for children.

Our children need to grow in environments that foster understanding of the world,  development of a good work ethic and a decreased sense of entitlement. These lessons  can only come if our children grow up without being spoiled. It is with spoiling that our  children grow up thinking that the world revolves around them. We must teach kids what  they can contribute to the world instead of what the world should be giving to them.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Help for Parents of Twins

Wow! The number of twins we see these days! They are so adorable in their twin outfits, twin stroller and twin beds.  But, we don’t see all the work involved with twins when we see  them strolled through a store. Twins are a lot of work. How  can parents of twins handle things better at home? And what can  others do to help?

I asked these questions to several parents of twins and  they gave me their thoughts. First of all, many twins are more  likely to be born early. But this is ok. Most do very well in  the special care nursery. The first couple of weeks in the  hospital can give you more time to get ready at home. You can  get rested and recovered before having full responsibility for  your twins. Just recognize that it can be an emotional time  having newborns and can be disappointing that they don’t come  home with you. Their time in the special care nursery is very  important to their ultimate well being upon discharge. Don’t  push it. Let those wonderful people in special care get your  twins healthy and ready for your care at home. And remember  they may not be ready to go home at the same time.

If you, as the mother, had a C-section delivery, make sure  you have help at home. You need to recover and will need help  with the twins. Fathers can take time off and may use the  Family Medical Leave Act to get extra time.

Any family with twins needs extra hands at home. Use in-
laws, friends and other relatives to cook you meals, do your  shopping and clean your home. Swallow your pride and accept the  help. There is no badge for being macho about handling twins by  yourself. Your family members who are there to help, cook meals  and clean and do menial tasks. The parents need the time with  the twins. Everyone expects to help families by helping with  “the twins”. By doing other things at home you are helping the  twins and by keeping more hands off the twins you are helping  the twins. Let the parents, especially the mother, care for the  twins. Helpers should help support her work but not take it over.

Older children need extra support. Friends and family  members can really help here. Older children often get lost in  the shuffle between twin diaper changes. They need some  involvement but they also need some time with parents and others  giving them some special time.

With the newborn twins, try to keep things simple and  convenient. If one gets hungry, try to feed them both. It will  be best over time to get them on the same schedule. Keep their  beds and changing areas close to your bed. Late night changes  will be easier.

Most importantly, recognize that you’ll probably get half  of what you want to get done done. Don’t sweat it. Relax. Be  flexible.

At the same time be vocal. If you have too much help and  too many visitors, politely say so. Tell people to freeze a  meal for you and send it over next week so they have a way to  help without being in your way. Conversely, if you don’t have  enough help, call people. Families with twins, triplets and  other “multiples” need to have hands around the house. If you  don’t have enough, call in-laws or friends and have someone stay  for a while.

As the twins grow, make sure people know who is who. Refer  to them by their names. Tell people about their individual  skills and attributes. Take pictures together and separate.  Twins tend to be raised as an item. People ask, how are the  twins? Rather than how are John and Jake? From the beginning  these kids will have individual personalities and people need to  recognize their individuality.

Twins are great. They are adorable. They are challenging.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Getting Not Giving

I must confess. I am a pediatrician who dislikes Halloween. “How much candy did you get?” is a common refrain at the end of every Halloween evening. Kids spill out their treasure to see how much they got. They often separate their goods into piles – from favorite to least favorite candies. Of course, the least favorite are the ones that are dispensable to others. This ritual begins the “getting season”. Before the Halloween costumes are hung to dry, Christmas items are being hung on display in every store in the country. In this culture of getting, when do we squeeze in the lesson about giving?

The lesson about giving doesn’t start with  Thanksgiving that is for sure. Yes, people will give an  extra dollar at Shaw’s to buy a turkey for a needy family.  But Thanksgiving culminates at a meal where we sit and  overeat and get sleepy. I was struck recently when in a  store I saw the title page from Martha Stewart Living – A  Season of Plenty. I wasn’t sure whether we were supposed  to be thankful and appreciative or just happy we have so  much. So I return to my question. When do we squeeze in  the lesson about giving?

It is my opinion that we need to stop squeezing in  this lesson. This lesson of giving of oneself or of some  money or effort to a good cause should be a year round  lesson in all families. Let’s not spend Thanksgiving  giving ourselves self congratulating appreciation of what  we have. Starting this season, starting now get your  family participating in active projects of giving. The  biggest stumbling block is where to start. Here are a few  suggestions.

  1. Kids won’t want to instantaneously start in a project  of giving. It’s hard to force it on them. The first  thing parents need to do is get information about an  area where you may want your family to make an effort.
  2. Once you’ve chosen an area of concern (i.e. hunger)  find out about that issue in your area. Then provide  your children information about that issue.
  3. Parents should start working on the concern by  themselves. Let the children know why you are  interested in the work. Be clear about what you are  doing about it – no matter how small.
  4. Continue your commitment all year and be clear to your  kids that you have a long term commitment to help.
  5. After some time ask your kids to join you with your  commitment – even in small ways.
  6. Here are some ideas for families to contribute their  time. In the book, Parenting for Peace and Justice  by Kathleen and James McGinnis, the authors talk  about the “two feet” of Christian Service. On the  one foot there are acts for social change. These are  works of justice. Included in this are actions such  as helping to organize a good co-op, educating the  public on social needs, and even inspiring people to  get out and vote. The other foot of service is direct  service. These are works of mercy that include direct  volunteer work such as working in food and clothing  centers, visiting with the elderly, tutoring children  or contributing to known worthy causes. These are  some categories where families can contribute their  time and efforts. And there are many more. But how  can families get off the dime. Families need to start  somewhere. Locally people can help at the Open Door,  the Cape Ann Food pantry. They can contact Cape Ann  Families to look for opportunities to help. Schools  need people to help tutor and read to children, or  you can contact your town’s Senior Services to help  with the elderly. If you want a more worldly area  to contribute, sponsor a child at the orphanage in  Honduras. Check the website at www.nphhonduras.org.  If you want to contribute to the orphanage you can use  the website or contact me. Look into other world wide  organizations such as OXFAM, Doctors Without Borders,  or Habitat for Humanity. No matter where your efforts  take you, make sure your kids know what you’re doing  and where you are helping and why.

Even in small ways, families working together can help  develop a society of Givers and decrease our society of  Getters.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen, Values and Morals

Discussions Over Sex (Parenting Your Teen Part IV)

Perhaps the hardest part of parenting teens is discussing sexuality issues. Traditionally it is thought that parents  should have one “birds and bees” discussion with their teenager.

Forget “the talk”. There are many opportunities today to  discuss sex and your ethics about sexual issues. We have a  plethora of sexual exposures. We have news about sex and its results – pregnancy. Do I need to mention any stars who are or  were pregnant? Every movie portrays sex. Do you discuss this  with your kids? Many movies portray sex scenes without thought  of protection or safety. Do you mention your opinions on that?

Many media outlets portray sex too casually. Do you talk  about sex with intimacy to your kids?

There really is no excuse. We actually have a bombardment  of sex on TV, movies, and magazines. We must take opportunities  to tell kids quickly and freely how we feel about what we are  seeing. This is how kids learn about our sexual morals.

Sexuality is a personal choice that kids hide for a long  time. They need to develop their own feelings about sex and we,  as parents, need to respect their process of sexuality  development. Parents also should respect the options each  person has for sexual decisions and preferences. However,  discussions about safety, waiting, consequences and dangers of  sex should be open game from early adolescence on.

Our media, TV and movies provide us ample opportunity for  short bursts of discussions about consequences and safety. Take  those opportunities. Feel comfortable. Relax. You know the  issues. They do not. Throw out thoughts and opinions matter of  factly. This openness will serve you well over time. Imagine  if all kids heard messages from their parents consistently  through teen years about waiting as long as possible, being safe  when you start having sex, using protection, being respectful to  your partner, and being aware of the consequences and dangers.  The result of these messages heard from home is a population of  teens who initiate sex later, have fewer partners, and have  fewer pregnancies. What group of parents wouldn’t want that?

Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Creating A Peaceful Home

Everyday we receive reminders that we are at war. Pictures from Iraq are on TV every night. Violent events  in our cities are reported daily as well. Movies and  television shows add to the climate by making us believe  that violence is more prevalent than it really is. There  is a picture of violence shown on TV every few seconds.  New video games display graphic scenes of shooting and  killing. With the pervasive onslaught of violence, how can  parents maintain a peaceful home?

We need to step back for one moment and realize that  exposure to violence has affects on our children. Children  who witness violence are less secure and more violent than  those who do not. Many will become desensitized to  violence. This means they are more accepting of violence  they may witness at school and sports events. They may be  less likely to intercede to stop violence that they  witness. Children can become unable to solve problems  without violence. Many can suffer bad dreams and fears  about school. Some kids bully others and other kids get  bullied. These are real reasons to work for a more  peaceful home.

To make our homes peaceful, we need to recognize that  violence is marketed to us. It sells. It is easy to play  on peoples fears. Fear is a powerful emotion. We need to  recognize how powerful an influence this is in our society  and take steps to fight it.

Families need to turn off and tune out of TV and  computer sites that exploit violence. Keep kids away from  adult material on TV and in movies. Don’t buy guns, swords  or other violently focused toys and games. If you have  violent toys and games, give them up. Some groups organize  toy gun disposal projects. Turn off violent music.  Institute quiet times at home and play peaceful music.

Get outside and see nature. Nature’s beauty is a  strong antidote to killings on TV. Create and build. Art  and construction projects build up rather than tear down.

Let’s all boycott violent shows, movies and news  reports. Maybe the marketers will change their focus.

If you have witnessed real violence seek help. Real  violence shocks our system. We may accept it more when it  happens to others, but it is shocking when it happens to  us. Post traumatic stress disorder is common after  involvement in a violent event.

Be aware of what is happening at your school. Schools  are dealing with more fights and bullying then ever before.  Know your school’s policies on bullying. If you suspect it  happening to your child, contact the guidance office.

Violence is happening all around us –mostly  transmitted to us through the media. Families can work on  stopping violence starting with decreasing exposure on TV  and computers. Talk about the violence you see in movies.  Express to your children how you feel about violence and  how you expect them to behave in threatening situations.  Using some of the ideas presented here and some of your own  creativity, you can raise an aware child in your peaceful  home environment.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

But Dad Let’s Me Get It

Your husband took the kids shopping the other day. You noticed when they got home that everyone got a little  treat from dad while shopping. Everyone came home happy. Now it is your day to have the kids with you shopping and  you decide that they should not get treats. The result is  a chorus from the kids, “Well, Dad let’s us get one!” At  this moment, your husband is lucky he is not in your vicinity!! Now you are left to question, how do you solve  this conflict? Is it okay for an individual parent to  treat their children differently than the other parent?  Shouldn’t both parents be “consistent” like the parenting  books say?

It doesn’t take long for many parents to recognize  that different styles of parenting work in different  situations. One parent may be better at getting kids to  bed. The other might be better at getting kids off to  school. Each parent is not going to handle specific  situations the same way. In a sense, it is just an  unrealistic expectation for parents to always be  “consistent” in their styles and approach. But, there are  circumstances where one parent might have to ask the other  parent to be consistent with their approach. Negotiating  those times when consistency is necessary is a critical  part of parenting.

When is it necessary for parents to be “consistent”?  Usually, consistency between parental approaches is  necessary when one parent’s approach is causing child  behavior difficulties for the other parent. So, in the  above shopping scenario, if the mother says “no” to a treat  and she gets troublesome behavior, then she should discuss  this with her husband. Perhaps a rule over treats at the  store should be established. Once the rules are set, both  parents have to be “consistent” in carrying out household  rules.

The trouble most families have is that a parent may  not want to accept that their approach caused a problem for  the other parent. It takes a little humility and  swallowing of pride to recognize that what we do causes  problems for our spouse. But if we can respect our  spouse’s judgment and be open to a discussion over rules,  we can provide a household with a unified leadership for  our children. Our kids learn that their parents work  together, communicate over problems, and enforce rules  together. Those lessons alone pay big dividends for our  children as they grow older.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen

A True Drug Prevention Program Begins At Home

The perils of drug use are taught in schools across the  country. DARE programs continue to be well funded in school.  Most kids I talk to at age 12 say alcohol & drugs are stupid and  that they will never use them. Yet our kids are still using  alcohol and drugs by 18 in numbers that distress families,  police, teachers and pediatricians. Experimentation is even  more common then chronic drug use. As our kids grow, alcohol  and drug use becomes the biggest fear for parents. The key  question is what is the common denominator for those who stay  off drugs.

There are many factors that contribute to drug prevention  in our teenagers. Knowledge of drugs and the toll they take is  only one factor, perhaps the smallest one. Kids are getting  that kind of education. But it is certainly not enough.

Knowledge of family history is another factor that families  tend not to talk about. Addictive behaviors to drugs and  alcohol are strongly inherited. Even though kids may not need  to know their parents experimentation history, (what we did in  college is irrelevant to today’s alcohol and drug environment  for many reasons), kids do need to know how many family members  are afflicted with alcohol and drug problems. If you have  breast cancer in the family, your daughter needs to know that.  If you have alcoholism in the family, all your kids need to know  that.

How we provide examples for partying is another factor. A  cavalier attitude to your own alcohol or drug use is a direct  permission slip to teens to try it out themselves. If you are  responsible to yourself, your body and to others who drink at  your house, your kids are more likely to mimic that behavior  over time. This is why there is less alcoholism in Italy where  the family dinner with a glass of wine is the norm for drinking  versus the U.S., England, and Australia where partying during  sport events are the norm.

Stress and pressure is another factor. This cannot always  be controlled especially in our society. It is just important  to note that stressful family times may result in greater  experimentation. Healthy outlets for stress are important to  cultivate so that kids learn that a good workout is better then  tying one on.

Even after covering all that, parents need to recognize  that the greatest factor in teens drug and alcohol use is their  perceived value of themselves. I am not talking just about ego  or pride. There are plenty of football stars, class presidents,  and cheerleader captains who crash and burn over drugs. Many  big drinkers have big egos. I am talking more of a sense of  true value. How is your teen valued by others? How much does  your teen feel valued and loved by you? I feel this is the key  factor in drug prevention.

Remember when your kids were two and you saved their lives  several times a day. You kept them from running in the street  or falling off the slide. You didn’t allow them to bike ride  around the block or separate too far from you in the  supermarket. You did this because you valued them. Well, teen  years are not the time to stop. Parents often say, “I love you”  in negative ways – by limiting freedom to keep our kids safe.  As we parent teens, we need to continue to set limits to keep  them safe. Supervision is important to prevent alcohol and drug  use. We must say “no” to underage drinking and unsupervised  parties. The key factor however, is to let them know why we  limit their freedom. We value and love them. We care about  their safety. Because we care and always will, it is the nature  of being a parent.

Yes, we need to educate our kids about drugs. Tell them  our family history. Be a good example. But we also need to  stay involved. We shouldn’t be overly reactive. We need to  respect their need for more freedom. Value them for who they  are and what they do. Respect their interests and acknowledge  their accomplishments. Be there to supervise and prevent their  experimentation as long as you can because you love them and you  care.