Category Archives: Psychology

Behavior, Diseases and Conditions, Family, Nutrition, Parenting Tips, Psychology

“My Tummy Hurts”

“My tummy hurts”, “I have a headache”, “I’m not hungry”. I have heard these  complaints a thousand times a year. I have heard these complaints in Italy, Honduras,  and America. It is universal. Kids complain about body issues to their parents – and  to their doctors. But when is a complaint just a complaint and when is it a harbinger of  illness? “My tummy hurts” is a phrase all parents hear. Many times the child expresses  discomfort to their parents. Yet, the discomfort may mean many things to the child. It  could mean “I am full, or “hungry” or “I need to go to the bathroom”. Perhaps it means it  “hurts” in fleeting, temporary, crampy sort of way.

“I have a headache” surprises parents. People don’t believe kids should have  headaches. But they do and most are not troublesome. Most are easily treated with rest  or tylenol. Certainly time and attention helps too.

The complaint “I’m not hungry” often is followed by a series of questions. “Why, don’t  you feel well? Do you have a fever? Is your throat sore?” But perhaps the child just  doesn’t want to eat.

When children complain should parents and other caring adults be concerned? Is  something really wrong? Will they starve? Will they get sicker? Many children’s  complaints don’t need any action. Many only need patience and observation. Often a  little attention suffices to solve the problem. Sometimes that is the only thing the child  was after to begin with.

Of course, we as adults fear overlooking real illness. But we need not worry too much  with complaints alone. With real illness children demonstrate real evidence of illness.  A temperature may come. Cough, vomiting, diarrhea, ear pain or sore throats become  apparent. Rarely is a simple complaint evidence of illness without some corresponding  signs. It is when children are demonstrating a combination of factors (i.e. a complaint  of stomach ache and diarrhea and signs of dehydration) that medical advice should be  sought after. A complaint alone needs patience, love, time and keen observation.

Complaints that persist with regularity without physical signs may lead to other  questions. If complaints are during week days, is there a problem with school? Is  the child missing a lot of school? Are the complaints a manifestation of something  happening at school such as bullying? Could the complaints be part of stress at home?  Or could the complaints be evidence of anxiety or depression in the child?

We all hear complaints from children. It happens in all cultures and all countries.  What to do about complaints may not be as easy as a trip to the doctor’s office. When  children are truly physically ill, they’ll show us. It is the other complaints that take more  wisdom to discover the real cause. And there are many complaints that go away only  because of the love and care we show.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

My Child Is A Liar

You hear a crash in the other room. You dash around  the corner to find your son several feet away from your  precious ceramic bowl that lies shattered on the floor.  You ask, “Who broke my bowl?” To which your son answers,  “I didn’t do it.” “But you are the only one here. It must  have been you.” Again, your son says “I didn’t do it! It  fell by itself.” “You know dishes can’t fall by  themselves.” “Then someone else must have knocked it  over.” And so it goes, no matter what you say, your son  lies and cannot face the truth of what happened. Almost  more upsetting to you then the broken bowl is the fact that  you have a son that is a liar.

This can be disturbing to parents. Naturally we want  to forge trusting relationships with our children. How can  you do that when your child lies? Worse than that, when  caught apparently red-handed in a lie, your child can’t  seem to face the truth. How should parents respond?  Should we be angry? Should we wash their mouths out? What  kind of response do lies warrant? Do different  circumstances warrant different responses? How can we  manage lying so that we can foster a trusting relationship?

The first thing parents need to realize is that  children have a different sense of reality. They live half  of their days in an imagined world. What this means is  that when they say “it fell by itself” or “someone else did  it”, they may actually believe what they say is true! As a  result, it can be very frustrating for parents to argue  with their children over what is the truth. You may never  get the admission of guilt you are after because of their  different sense of reality. So how should parents handle  lies?

First, be careful on placing blame. Children are very  sensitive to blame. So unless you really witness the  crime, don’t be direct in blaming your child. In the above  scene if the parent continues to argue that her son broke  the bowl, he will continue to defend himself based on his  sense of what really happened. With an unwitnessed crime  as in the above scenario it is better to voice your  displeasure that your bowl was broken. Then while he helps  you clean up the bowl and after, your boy deserves a cold  shoulder for a period of time.

If the scenario changed a little and you actually saw  that he broke your bowl while playing with a ball then you  can be direct in your correction no matter what lies or  fabrications come your way. “I don’t care if you think  someone else did it, I saw you knock over my bowl with your  ball. Now you can sit quietly in your room for a while.”

Lies often get more sophisticated over time. Children  get smarter as they get older. And trying to get away with  lies is a time honored rite of childhood. So don’t fret  over your child being a liar. Leave name calling and  labeling of your child out of this. In treating each lying  event keep it simple. If you don’t truly catch your child  in the act, sternly repeat your expectations for honesty.  If you catch your child in a lie, give an age appropriate  punishment and reinforce your need for honesty.

The most important lessons about lies and honesty for  our kids come from how we, the parents, treat our children  and others. If we treat others with honesty and respect,  our children will learn that it is important to treat  people that way. But for them it will take time and a few  lies to learn how to treat people honestly.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

More Than One Way To Spoil A Child

Over my 20 + years of practice I have learned that spoiling a child comes in  different forms. Some forms of spoiling can be invisible to parents unless they think  about it. Parents can innocently fall into patterns of responding to their children that  inadvertently spoil their children in one way or another. So what are the ways we can  spoil children?

I break down spoiling to four forms, (1) all attention all the time, (2) no emotion  going unnoticed, (3) behavior gaining rewards and (4) getting anything they want. Let’s  look at each form one at a time.

Parents want to be attentive to their children and children yearn for attention. But  some kids work hard to get their parents’ attention and get it all the time. These parents  feel that they never get a break. The children grow up believing the world revolves  around them. They learn to be the entertainers. They love being the center of attention  and seek it out. Certainly kids need attention but they don’t need it 24/7.

The second form of spoiling is what I call “no emotion going unnoticed.” These  parents cannot bear to see their child experiencing an emotion without trying to care for it  for the child. This is fine when sharing a positive emotion. However, for many negative  emotions children learn that the parent is needed to take care of their emotion. They  learn that mom or dad takes on and fixes any sadness or disappointment. Children may  use this to get things they want by using emotion. No parent wants to see a sad or  disappointed child. Nevertheless, after defining the emotion and sharing some  experience with the same emotion, parents should not rob their children of the  opportunity to experience the emotion for themselves. These are important lessons for  children even if it is hard for parents to witness.

The third way of spoiling is when behavior gains rewards. This way of spoiling  is obvious for many people looking from the outside. We may see this in public places  when a child tantrums and gets rewarded with a toy or candy in order to stop the  behavior. Children learn to act out in certain ways to get what they want (or a suitable  substitute). Parents need to be aware of this and work to ignore negative behaviors. Be  sure that no behavior governs your action. Don’t work to get your children out of  negative zones. They need to control their own behavior without getting anything for it.

The last way children are spoiled is straight forward. These are the kids who “get  anything they want”. These kids learn that they can expect and get everything they want  whether they deserve it or not.  The world is theirs – even if they don’t earn it. These  kids are the ultimate in privileged children. Children need to learn to earn things they  want. They should not learn to receive through privilege.

Spoiling does not benefit children or our future society. Parents need to reflect on  these forms of spoiling and reassess how they approach their children’s emotion,  behavior and true needs. We want to care and provide for our children. But when we  overdo it, there are consequences for our children now and in the future. Each of these  forms of spoiling has a down side. Kids can learn to get the attention or to use emotion.  They can receive just by being the privileged son or daughter. What is it that you want to  teach your child about how the world works, how people earn a living, or how privileged  we are? What are you teaching them? Think about it. And then change your approach so  your child learns the right lessons about life.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Mislabeling Your Mischievious Devil

“Oh, this one is our rascal!” “We’re going to have to  watch him.” “He’s my climber.” “He’s a devil.” “He is so  mischievous.” “She’s our sneaky one.” “She’s going to put us  in an early grave.” “We’re going to have to keep our eyes on  her.” How often do parents throw labels at their children? Is  it warranted? Does it do any good or does it reinforce behavior  we don’t want?

It is fascinating to see kids explore. They want to use new  talents to climb on stools, chairs and stairs. They want to look  at interesting new objects especially those with lights or  sound. And they want to copy what we do with the things we use.  They are naturally curious. So when kids start climbing chairs  and stools to get to our things that are out of their reach, why  are we surprised? Likewise, the TV remote is of interest to us  so kids find it fascinating. Stereo systems and other  mechanical things provide satisfaction for a child’s curiosity  into the adult’s world. It is no fault of children that they  develop interest in all things adults use. Yet it is usually  when children get into our things that they get their labels. It  is the child who learns how to turn on the TV, or take cookies  from a cabinet, or who sneaks off with the bag of chips that  gets assigned the negative label. There are better ways to deal  with this then labeling your child.

Labels really serve no purpose unless they are to  complement a child. “You are our piano genius.” “You really  know how to find lost things.” But labels with a negative  connotation do two things. First they tend to stick around. We  remember negative labels easily. Secondly, labels reinforce the  behavior by giving it too much attention. Parents end up  fulfilling their own prophecy of their “rascal” child by  repeatedly pointing out their “rascally” behavior. It is a  decent goal in all families to avoid negative labels put on any  child no matter how young or how old.

Instead of labeling, parents need to set boundaries for  their children. “You cannot play with the remote.” We can also  work preventatively by hiding the remote or putting it out of  range for temptation. Take corrective action. “You found the  remote again, I’m going go put it on the highest shelf now.”  Parents have to expect children to be inquisitive and curious.  It is not evil to be that way. By correcting these behaviors in  simple ways, we can avoid labels. As we do this, we must  remember to praise the positive in our children. After all, it  is the positive labels we want them to associate with  themselves. So label the positive, and simply correct the  negative without too much emphasis and attention. Our kids will  learn what is positive in their actions and gravitate towards  more positive actions. This way he or she won’t learn to be  your “mischievous devil”.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Diseases and Conditions, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Mental Health Crisis: What Can We Do

On a daily basis I am reminded that we are in the  midst of a mental health crisis with our children.  Pediatricians across the country and in Massachusetts are  seeing record numbers of mental health issues in children  and teenagers. Attention Deficit Disorder is on the rise.  Bipolar Disorder has increased in all age groups.  Depression and anxiety are also seen in dramatically higher  numbers. And that is only part of the crisis. Child  psychiatrists are in short supply. Psychologist’s  practices are full. And most recently, the medicines that  were in common use were restricted in use in children.  This situation was recognized in 2002 by the Bush  Administration’s New Freedom Commission on Mental Health.  The Commission concluded that the Mental Health system was  under funded and in “shambles”. Two years later the  situation is worse. What can we do about it?

It is time for all of us to recognize that there is a  crisis in mental health, particularly for children. Once  we recognize the problem perhaps we can try to make  government officials and health care insurers more  accountable to work towards a solution. We need more drug  treatment centers for teens and children. (Presently,  there are none for kids under 18!!) We need more child  psychiatrists and psychologists. (Currently it doesn’t pay  for people to do all the therapy needed.) Meanwhile we all  need to ask, “Why are we having so many mental health  issues in our children?” The answer may be difficult.  Perhaps as we ponder this question we can come up with  answers that may help children in the meantime. Here are  my suggestions.

1. From a young age we need our children to learn coping  skills. Kids need to learn how to handle their emotions.  recent Newsweek article suggested that our children  receive so much so easily in early years that they  have a hard time coping when things come harder when  they have to work for it themselves. Maybe this is true –  maybe not. Nonetheless, we need to help our children to  work through their own emotions early on so they know how  to do it themselves when they are older. Many times we, as  parents, try to move kids past their emotions. For example  when a pet dies we often replace that pet with a new one.  What we really need to do is let our children work through  their emotions on their loss of a pet. It is important for  kids to grow up learning that someone won’t always be there  to rescue them from their emotion.

2. We need to increase interaction with our children and  keep interacting with them as they grow. Turn off the TV  and the computer. Play games, go outside, and do things  together – young & old.

3. Teach our kids tolerance and inclusiveness. Not  everyone should fit into the well established molds  our society is creating. We need more than jocks and  cheerleaders. We need musicians, artists, dancers and  clowns. There is a diverse world of people with diverse  world of skills and living in a diverse world of color  and culture. We need to expect it and respect it so our  children do too. Then few children are isolated by “not  fitting in.”

4. Recognize our children’s real skills. Don’t push the  sports if your child really doesn’t like it or isn’t good  at it. Expose your child to a spectrum of activities.  Find their true interests and skills over time. Then help  them build their ego around it. Too many kids get hurt by  trying to fit into the molds society or parents are setting  for them. Let your child make his/her own mold.

5. Recognize the signs when your child isn’t coping. Is  your child isolated? Alone? Withdrawing? Is he or she  causing trouble in different sectors of his/her society?  Is there trouble at school? Is there trouble with friends?  Is your child giving up? Not caring for his/herself?  Recognize the signs and seek help early.

6. If you live in a home that suffers from some form of  abuse – seek help. There are organizations such as HAWK  that helps families in such situations. Even if you are  the abuser, seek help. I have had the experience where  an abusing father recognized his problem, sought help and  saved his family.

7. The mental health crisis is reaching too many corners  of our society. It is time for all of us to recognize  this so we can diminish any shame that prevents people  from getting help. We need to reach out and help when we  can. And we need to hold our children in safe, secure, and  positive places so their mental health has the best chance  of staying well.

Behavior, Family, Nutrition, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Meals Made Easier

Has your child turned family mealtime into a family  nightmare? Are dinners a perpetual struggle? Do you make  five meals before your child settles on the same old  reliable? Do you have back up plans in case dinner isn’t a  hit? You can make meals easier in your house by adopting a  few basic rules. But first parents need to understand some  background about children and their appetites.

Children fool us in the first year of life that they  will always be good eaters. During that first year kids  grow rapidly and have an appetite that matches their rapid  growth. We, as parents, get lulled into the idea that  their good appetite in the first year is our success. This  sets us up for frustration as nature slows down our  children’s growth in the second year, and their appetites  drop accordingly. They simply do not need to eat as much  after their first year in order to continue normal growth.

Unfortunately, many parents live with the cultural  myth that says being a good parent means your child eats.  Operating under this myth we help our kids play games  around food and eating. They can hold out for their 4 or 5  favorite foods because they know you are worried about how  much they eat and know that you will eventually come around  to a food they like. In other words, they select their  diet by refusing the diet you offer.

Parents need to operate under a new paradigm. Being a  good parent means that you offer only a balanced diet no  matter whether they eat or not. Children should not choose  their diets. Children will choose to eat good foods over  starving themselves. In fact children do not starve  themselves even as we worry that they will. They just look  like they will while they hold out for what they want.

If parents learn to present meals to their children  under a new set of rules, family meal stress will decrease  dramatically.

Don’t allow children to push your buttons over meals.  Believe in the fact that they do not starve themselves.

You are in charge of choosing their diet.

They are in charge of eating from the presented food  or not. Eventually they will choose to eat from the good  diet you are presenting. Check out the new food pyramid,  and keep the good diet coming.

Get junky foods out of the house and keep them out.

Don’t make your child eat.

Don’t make them sit in front of their meal incessantly.

Don’t give them cereal before bedtime.

Don’t punish over food.

Don’t let food and feeding be so important to you.  Presenting a good diet is the only important responsibility  in managing your child’s diet.

You can close your kitchen anytime you want. A good  time for this is when dinner has been cleared.

When parents start to recognize what they have control  over, (the diet selection) and what they don’t have control  over (how much is eaten) then dinner time can become the  peaceful time it should be.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Maturing In Your Parenting Role

For twenty-three years I have been witnessing parents develop into their role. All parents start out adoring  their little precious bundle of joy. In the beginning the  parent’s role is to respond to the baby’s every call. When  their baby cries, mom and dad spring into action. Mom and  dad follow their basic instinct to respond and comfort  their child. Baby experts across the country recommend  spoiling, cuddling and responding to baby’s cries for the  first three months of life. Most new parents cannot help  themselves but do just that.

A responsive approach works for a while with children.

Over time, parents are surprised when a change comes  to the relationship. Our children develop wills and their  demands are no longer easily met. Things you could  distract your child from, just weeks ago, now are things  your child persists in wanting and they cry over it. This  marks a change in parenting. For the first months of life,  we learned to be totally responsive to our child. But,  after time, we see the will of our child and need to face  that will. This leads to conflict between us and our  children and conflict within us. Do we respond? How do we  respond? Do we give into our child’s cry? If we respond,  are we catering too much to their wants? If we ignore  their demands, are we being too strict?

Parents have to grow and mature in their role as  a parent. Part of that maturing is recognizing our child’s  will and learning how to direct them. Parents have to  learn a balance between leniency and strictness.

Young parents are often surprised that their child has  a will. Many parents tell me that their child “knows what  she wants” or “has a mind of her own”. This isn’t a  novelty. All children do. The challenge for us, as  parents, is to know when to give into their wills and when  not to.

By eighteen months of age children demonstrate  persistence in their desires. You can no longer distract  them away from a desired object. As a result, children  become crafty in trying to get what they want. Through  trial and error they “try-on” different behaviors to get  their way. It is facing these behaviors that become the  battleground for parents. Their behaviors change over time.  Toddlers have temper fits of different varieties. Grade  school children whine and teenagers argue. And there are  many other behaviors in between. We must change from  responding to their whims to ignoring their behaviors.  When parents can listen to their child cry, whine, stomp,  kick, groan and argue over something they want and, yet,  not respond to them, they have grown as a parent.

When you see that your child has developed a will, and  you know their motivation for their cries, you must learn  when it is right to ignore and when it is right to respond.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Managing Aggression in Children

As hostilities dominate the newsreels, many parents  face an increase in childhood aggression. Whether managing  shoving matches between children, toddlers grabbing each  others toys, or open fights in playgrounds, all adults have  to face anger and aggression in children. What are we to  do to decrease hostile behavior in kids? What defines an  overly aggressive child? When should parents seek help?

We shouldn’t be surprised or overly worried to see  some aggression in kids. It is quite natural. Some  aggression is necessary for many kids to succeed in sports,  school, and social settings. We need to accept some  aggression so long as we set a framework of what level is  appropriate.

How aggression is acted out is an important issue as  well. Aggressive play with legos or army guys is different  from a realistic video game. Working out their aggression  in play with inanimate objects like legos is very valuable  to children. Children work out many scenes in their minds  through this play. Violent videos and computer games blur  the boundaries of appropriate aggression. Children who  play violent games are less likely to recognize real  violence as inappropriate. They are less likely to object  to violence and more likely to be aggressive then children  who don’t play violent computer games. This is becoming a  great problem particularly for boys. Curbing the use of  video games especially at a young age is important for  parents to enforce. Decreasing exposure to violent shows  and video games decreases aggression in children.

So what are some parameters for dealing with  aggressive acts in children? We start with defining the  who, where, and how of aggressive acts. Children can  display aggression against themselves, other people or to  pets. Aggression towards others should be corrected. We  should not allow pushing, hitting and grabbing of others to  get their way. Likewise, aggression towards pets or  animals is inappropriate, dangerous, and inhumane. We  cannot allow that either. In those cases kids should be  quickly and sternly corrected and then ignored. (Giving  kids too much attention for their inappropriate behavior  can be too rewarding to kids.)

When kids exhibit self-aggression, we may not want to  be too quick to correct it. Some kids hit themselves or  pull their own hair when they “goof up”. For the most  part, parents should not make too much of this. However,  if self-aggression reaches the point of really hurting  themselves (i.e. leaving bruises, scratches or cuts on  themselves) parents should seek some counsel from a  physician or counselor.

There are appropriate places that can help aggressive  children “work out” their anger. Wrestling, Karate, other  martial arts, football and other sports are areas where  children can use socially acceptable means to work out  aggression. Appropriate coaching is necessary for all  these sports. Parents need to listen and respond to  coaches who have to sit a child out or otherwise correct a  child who, even in these environments, are being “too  aggressive”. We need to support teachers and coaches who  discipline players for inappropriate behaviors.

Overall, parents who think their children are on the  aggressive side need to monitor this issue carefully.  Children need rules to contain aggression such as no  hitting, no biting, no throwing objects at people, and  never intentionally hurt an animal. When these rules are  broken, stern correction and isolation of the offender  should occur. In and out of home, appropriate ways to work  out tension and aggression should be taught. And when a  child is overly aggressive in too many situations seek  help. Parents need to listen to surrogate parents  (teachers or coaches) and support their decisions to  discipline an aggressive child. We are seeing a rise in  aggressive behaviors. Our kids need to learn appropriate  forms of aggressive behavior and it is up to all adults to  teach it.

Behavior, Community, Family, Homepage, Nutrition, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Managing Our Children’s Diets

By now most people in the U.S. recognize that there is an epidemic of obesity in our children. Statistically, the  percentage of overweight children has more than doubled  since the 1960’s. Along with that, we have seen an  increase in the number of kids with high blood pressure and  Type 2 diabetes. But what action have parents taken to  stem the tide of childhood obesity? What can they do?

Before I answer those questions I want to explain a  phenomenon that I have noticed in the majority of  overweight children that I see. The phenomenon I see has  to do with children’s growth curves. In kids who get  overweight, they are not overweight in the first few years  of life. Their growth curve changes direction and they  become overweight only when they take over control of their  own diet. When I ask about their diet I usually get the  same answers – they eat pizza, spaghetti, burgers, fries,  and few fruits and vegetables. So this is the answer to the question about what parents can do. Parents need to stay in  control of children’s diets even into late grade school.  Here’s how.

  1. Don’t pay attention to kids’ likes and dislikes. Children can choose to eat or not to eat. If  they don’t eat, they can wait until the next meal,  even if it is breakfast. Children won’t starve themselves. We don’t need to push them to eat  everything.
  2. Be a good example. This is an essential rule. Parents should choose the healthy meals.  If your kids don’t like it and won’t eat – that’s  ok. They need to learn to choose from the healthy  choices that you present. They need to earn the  right to have a choice in meals by eating good  foods first. Bring good foods into your home. You have the  power of the purse. Don’t buy the junk. If it’s  in your home they will eat it. Stay away from  packaged foods, fries and soda. Buy more fruits  and vegetables and make them accessible for taking.  Teach your children that you respect your body by what you put into it and they will learn to respect  their body too.
  3. Make some firm house rules. Once food is on the table, they cannot ask for something else.  Parents who are short order cooks end up feeding their kids what they want and not what they should have!
  4. Cut down on kid’s TV time. TV is clearly linked to kids diets. All kids want what they see on TV.
  5. Get out together for family fun. Bike rides, walks, hikes, or going to a park  are good for all families.
  6. As school starts, be aware of school lunches.  They are typically not too healthy. Make your kids lunches and add healthy snacks. At least you have control of what they bring to school. At first, much of it will come back home again.

The obesity problem in children is caused by lifestyle  choices made by families. It is rarely caused by thyroid  or other hormone issues. If we teach our children a  healthy lifestyle, that will be a lesson that can add years  onto their lives and take away years of suffering with  obesity related illnesses. Take control of their diet  when they are young. Hold onto that control during grade school. Show them other means of staying healthy through exercise and activity. You will all add years to your enjoyment of each other.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Living With Our Childrens Emotions

You tell your daughter that she cannot go over a  friend’s house and she runs to her room to cry. You tell  your son to stop throwing the legos and he proceeds to  angrily destroy his castle and scatter legos around the  room. Our children express emotion openly and actively.  How should parents deal with their emotions? What do your  kids expect from us when they act out their emotions in  such extreme ways?

Children need to experience emotion during childhood  and learn how to deal with emotion over time. Parents can  help them learn from emotional outbursts. But many parents  approach emotion in ways that confuse children. Some  parents try to fix it. If a pet dies, they replace the pet  with a new one. Therefore, their child doesn’t learn to  mourn.

Some parents provide excuses for emotion. “She always  acts like this when she is tired.” A child learns that he  doesn’t have to deal with emotion, he just needs to rest.  And finally, many parents own their child’s emotion. When  they see their child upset, they absorb the emotion  themselves and the whole house is occupied by that child’s  emotion. The child learns that she doesn’t have to deal  with emotion. It is as if the children think that mom and  the whole house can deal with my emotion for me and I get  all the attention in the process. In this situation the  more the parent tries to deal with the emotion, the more  emotion the parent sees. The child only becomes more  confused by dealing with their personal emotion as  everyone’s problem.

So how should parents deal with their child’s emotion?

To teach children how to handle their emotions parents  need to label the emotion for the child. Children often  find themselves reacting without understanding why. If we  can teach them what each emotion is, they start to learn  that these emotions are part of what everyone experiences.  They can start to believe that emotions are a normal part  of life. What’s more, they see in their parent an  understanding of emotions.

Parents need to learn some vocabulary of emotion in  order to label the emotions of their children.  Disappointments, sadness, grief, anger, excitement,  surprise, frustration, envy, joy, are just a beginning to a  vocabulary of emotion. There are lists of emotions and  even refrigerator magnets with faces and emotions labeled.  Do some work on your vocabulary.

Once you are able to label a child’s emotion, the next  step for parents is to express empathy. This is an  expression of understanding of the feeling the child is  experiencing. Labeling the emotion starts this. But  relating an experience with the same emotion shows our  child that you have been there too. “I know you are  disappointed. I have been disappointed by the change of  plans many times. I’m sorry you’re disappointed.” This  tells the child that you have experienced the same emotion  and have gotten over it. Children don’t know whether their  feeling will go away. They have a sense that they will be  disappointed forever. Hearing that you’ve had the same  emotion and have gotten over it ends your child’s belief  that the feeling won’t go away.

Finally, parents need to let their children experience  the emotion. You cannot take it away. But after proper  labeling and empathy the child can develop the capacity to  move through their emotion. Let them cry or stomp. You  have done your job. Remember they may want you involved  with their emotion. They may want to bring the house down  into their feeling. After labeling and expressing empathy,  it is best to let them process their emotion on their own.  They will grow in the experience.

Of course if your child is experiencing extremes of  emotion and are dangers to themselves or others, you should  seek help. Otherwise by following these guidelines,  children can learn to deal with their emotions and parents  will grow in their parenting skills.