Over my 20 + years of practice I have learned that spoiling a child comes in different forms. Some forms of spoiling can be invisible to parents unless they think about it. Parents can innocently fall into patterns of responding to their children that inadvertently spoil their children in one way or another. So what are the ways we can spoil children?
I break down spoiling to four forms, (1) all attention all the time, (2) no emotion going unnoticed, (3) behavior gaining rewards and (4) getting anything they want. Let’s look at each form one at a time.
Parents want to be attentive to their children and children yearn for attention. But some kids work hard to get their parents’ attention and get it all the time. These parents feel that they never get a break. The children grow up believing the world revolves around them. They learn to be the entertainers. They love being the center of attention and seek it out. Certainly kids need attention but they don’t need it 24/7.
The second form of spoiling is what I call “no emotion going unnoticed.” These parents cannot bear to see their child experiencing an emotion without trying to care for it for the child. This is fine when sharing a positive emotion. However, for many negative emotions children learn that the parent is needed to take care of their emotion. They learn that mom or dad takes on and fixes any sadness or disappointment. Children may use this to get things they want by using emotion. No parent wants to see a sad or disappointed child. Nevertheless, after defining the emotion and sharing some experience with the same emotion, parents should not rob their children of the opportunity to experience the emotion for themselves. These are important lessons for children even if it is hard for parents to witness.
The third way of spoiling is when behavior gains rewards. This way of spoiling is obvious for many people looking from the outside. We may see this in public places when a child tantrums and gets rewarded with a toy or candy in order to stop the behavior. Children learn to act out in certain ways to get what they want (or a suitable substitute). Parents need to be aware of this and work to ignore negative behaviors. Be sure that no behavior governs your action. Don’t work to get your children out of negative zones. They need to control their own behavior without getting anything for it.
The last way children are spoiled is straight forward. These are the kids who “get anything they want”. These kids learn that they can expect and get everything they want whether they deserve it or not. The world is theirs – even if they don’t earn it. These kids are the ultimate in privileged children. Children need to learn to earn things they want. They should not learn to receive through privilege.
Spoiling does not benefit children or our future society. Parents need to reflect on these forms of spoiling and reassess how they approach their children’s emotion, behavior and true needs. We want to care and provide for our children. But when we overdo it, there are consequences for our children now and in the future. Each of these forms of spoiling has a down side. Kids can learn to get the attention or to use emotion. They can receive just by being the privileged son or daughter. What is it that you want to teach your child about how the world works, how people earn a living, or how privileged we are? What are you teaching them? Think about it. And then change your approach so your child learns the right lessons about life.