You tell your daughter that she cannot go over a  friend’s house and she runs to her room to cry. You tell  your son to stop throwing the legos and he proceeds to  angrily destroy his castle and scatter legos around the  room. Our children express emotion openly and actively.  How should parents deal with their emotions? What do your  kids expect from us when they act out their emotions in  such extreme ways?

Children need to experience emotion during childhood  and learn how to deal with emotion over time. Parents can  help them learn from emotional outbursts. But many parents  approach emotion in ways that confuse children. Some  parents try to fix it. If a pet dies, they replace the pet  with a new one. Therefore, their child doesn’t learn to  mourn.

Some parents provide excuses for emotion. “She always  acts like this when she is tired.” A child learns that he  doesn’t have to deal with emotion, he just needs to rest.  And finally, many parents own their child’s emotion. When  they see their child upset, they absorb the emotion  themselves and the whole house is occupied by that child’s  emotion. The child learns that she doesn’t have to deal  with emotion. It is as if the children think that mom and  the whole house can deal with my emotion for me and I get  all the attention in the process. In this situation the  more the parent tries to deal with the emotion, the more  emotion the parent sees. The child only becomes more  confused by dealing with their personal emotion as  everyone’s problem.

So how should parents deal with their child’s emotion?

To teach children how to handle their emotions parents  need to label the emotion for the child. Children often  find themselves reacting without understanding why. If we  can teach them what each emotion is, they start to learn  that these emotions are part of what everyone experiences.  They can start to believe that emotions are a normal part  of life. What’s more, they see in their parent an  understanding of emotions.

Parents need to learn some vocabulary of emotion in  order to label the emotions of their children.  Disappointments, sadness, grief, anger, excitement,  surprise, frustration, envy, joy, are just a beginning to a  vocabulary of emotion. There are lists of emotions and  even refrigerator magnets with faces and emotions labeled.  Do some work on your vocabulary.

Once you are able to label a child’s emotion, the next  step for parents is to express empathy. This is an  expression of understanding of the feeling the child is  experiencing. Labeling the emotion starts this. But  relating an experience with the same emotion shows our  child that you have been there too. “I know you are  disappointed. I have been disappointed by the change of  plans many times. I’m sorry you’re disappointed.” This  tells the child that you have experienced the same emotion  and have gotten over it. Children don’t know whether their  feeling will go away. They have a sense that they will be  disappointed forever. Hearing that you’ve had the same  emotion and have gotten over it ends your child’s belief  that the feeling won’t go away.

Finally, parents need to let their children experience  the emotion. You cannot take it away. But after proper  labeling and empathy the child can develop the capacity to  move through their emotion. Let them cry or stomp. You  have done your job. Remember they may want you involved  with their emotion. They may want to bring the house down  into their feeling. After labeling and expressing empathy,  it is best to let them process their emotion on their own.  They will grow in the experience.

Of course if your child is experiencing extremes of  emotion and are dangers to themselves or others, you should  seek help. Otherwise by following these guidelines,  children can learn to deal with their emotions and parents  will grow in their parenting skills.