Category Archives: Psychology

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen, Toddler

Stop Whining

So the kids are home from school. You got them a  snack. And after a moments peace, the whining starts.  “I’m bored. There’s nothing to do. Can I watch TV? But I  don’t want to do my homework.” It isn’t the phrases used  that bother us as much as the squeaky, whiny voices that  say them. Why is it that kids whine so much? And how can  we stop it?

There is a funny thing about kids’ voices. Some  voices used at home are never used with teachers or  coaches. But those irritating voices are saved by children  to use for their parents only.

How do kids know to do that? Do children know that  their teachers and coaches wouldn’t respond to those voices?

Children get a lot of things from whining. They get  their parent’s attention. They get to control the  situation and their parent’s response. And most of all,  they get what they want – at least half of the time.

So even though it isn’t easy to listen to, you can get  rid of whining pretty easily. First, a child should never,  ever get anything they want by whining. Second, parents  should treat whining like a foreign language they don’t  understand. Third ignore your child for a time for every  instance of whining. One could simply say “I don’t  understand that voice” and turn away. Only deal with  children who are talking normally. Those whiners will  catch on. Make it clear to them that you can’t understand  whining voices, inform them that they need to use normal  voices, ignore them a while when they whine, and you will  see whining disappear in your house.

Whining can be viewed as similar to a temper tantrum.  Just like a temper tantrum, we can see whining more  frequently in times of stress, hunger, or fatigue.  Nevertheless, just like a temper tantrum, whining should  not be responded to and should be absolutely ignored. With  those tantrums and whining gone, you’ll be on your way to  having a more pleasant household.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Stop The Bickering Sibling Versus Sibling – Round 2

You have put your rules on the refrigerator about  fighting. You have clearly explained them to your kids.  Yet, every morning the fights begin over again. “I want  the blue cup.” You give the blue cup to one child and say  it is his turn. Yet, the fight continues. You sternly  insist that the blue cup is in its rightful place. But  bickering continues over the plates, food, and everything  else through breakfast. You continue through breakfast  settling every argument from who gets the Winnie the Pooh  plate to who has more Coco Puffs. By the time breakfast is  over you are ready to ship your kids out for good. What  can you do to stop the constant bickering between your kids?

The most important concept regarding conflict between  your kids is that your kids want you to be involved. They  want you to settle their arguments for them whether it is  in their favor or not. They just want you to be involved  because it is a way for them to control you. Let’s watch  mom lose it while we bicker. Isn’t it a wonder what power  and control we have over her!

Therefore, the key in ending bickering is decreasing  your involvement in their conflicts. You cannot get  involved verbally or emotionally. Even if kids get an  emotional rise out of you they win. Minimize your words.  Try not to correct them verbally over bickering; they will  always have an answer. Remember; DO NOT GET INVOLVED IN  THEIR FIGHT.

Certainly you need to start with the rules. No  hitting. No biting. No throwing things. No being too  loud. Post these on your refrigerator and add your own.  Just remember, only correct for what you witness.  Otherwise you will be the arbiter of a hundred fights  starting with “he bit me; no I didn’t!” You cannot be sure  who is right unless you witness the offense.

Here are rules for parents to follow regarding their  bickering children. Stay uninvolved. Minimize your words.

If you believe that your kids fight to cause trouble  for you, you may be right. It might mean it is time for  you to step back and out of the conflict. A great book for  parents is Siblings without Rivalry. It may help a parent  gain a perspective on why kids fight and how parents can  learn to respond or not.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Squashing The Rudeness Epidemic

Dance instructors have asked me “Why are kids so rude these  days? If you reprimand a child in dance class for their  attitude you can expect a phone call from their parents later.”  Coaches have told me similar things. “Heaven forbid I sit a  star player for being a poor sport. The parents would have my  head.” Major magazines have had articles on the “rudeness  epidemic.” Is there any wonder why there is an epidemic if  parents don’t hold their kids responsible for their rudeness and  unsportsmanlike attitudes?

Certainly we don’t always have the best examples. Our pro  sports players have had numerous noteworthy displays of being  poor sports. But putting that aside for the moment, we must  think about how our kids display themselves to other adult  authority figures outside our houses. How do they represent you?

Keeping our kids from being rude takes a multifaceted  approach. We have to address rudeness from our children  wherever it occurs – at home, at school or at extracurricular  activities.

At home, parents often are at a loss on dealing with  rudeness or disrespect. We often react with anger, lectures and  worst of all, physical punishment. But these actions don’t  teach respect. Respect teaches respect. And this is one of the  toughest lessons for parents to learn. We must try to respect  them even when our kids don’t respect us. This doesn’t mean we  have to be nice! But yelling, lecturing and being physical can  be demeaning and not respectful to your kids as a person. When  we can respond to their rudeness to us with coolness we remain  in a respectful place yet give them the cool response rudeness  deserves. To top things off they learn that rudeness won’t get  a rise out of you. That decreases their motivation as well.  (And of course, decreasing a privilege or decreasing your  service to them may be very appropriate to go along with to your  cool responses.)

Children can learn a lot from parents by how you treat  people outside your house. Do you yell at people on the phone?  Are you short with people in stores? Children watch this and  mirror your actions as they face the outside world. Your kids  will take a page from your book and it won’t look pretty. We  need to model good respectful behavior for our children. So  when you hang up on that telemarketer do it with class and  respect.

When we hear about our child’s rudeness to a coach, teacher  or instructor, support that adult in sitting them on the bench  or excluding them from class. Yes we pay for those sports and  dance classes. But so do the other parents. So why should all  children be distracted and suffer due to your child’s rudeness?  They shouldn’t. Support the action of coaches and teachers.

Finally, all coaches, teachers, gymnastic instructors, and  dance teachers – all adults acting in authority over children in  their activities – need to have the authority to correct  children when their mouth speaks inappropriately. Foul  language, unsportsmanlike behavior, bad hand signals and  inappropriate outbursts should have repercussions. At the  beginning of the season or year, send home a behavior contract  for all involved in your program. Be clear on what your actions  will be. A fair warning is always well received and then your  authority should not be questioned when you have to act.

All adults need to work together. Parents need to support  other adults in authority. Communication between parents and  those surrogate parents is important. Be respectful. Respect  kids by using appropriate language yourself. Respect them as a  person even if they don’t deserve it. Be calm but firm.  Isolate the offender by your action. And if we all do this  together, perhaps we will squash the rudeness epidemic and raise  respectable children.

Family, Homepage, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Our Role As Fathers Has Changed – Have We?

There is little to contend with the statement that our role as fathers has changed. A generation ago we sat outside the delivery room awaiting news of our child’s birth. Today we are involved from  the start. As children grow we are involved in getting them to and from school, and often caring for  our kids during our “shift” at home. I often wonder whether we had the right role models for our job  today? Where did we learn to be fathers? Perhaps we had good teachers but more than likely our  fathers parented differently than we do today. It may be interesting to reflect on your role models in  parenting, your personal nature as a man and how these relate to your parenting.

First think about your parents and what you learned about parenting. Many fathers in the past  parented in an authoritative – because I said so – manner. We often feared our father. Perhaps a threat  of physical punishment was always there. That manner of parenting is out for many reasons involving  abuse and fear. Today, a more sensitive, and understanding manner of parenting is in. It involves  more listening and measured responses.

This manner of parenting may not fit with the stereotypical male. Men often think of  themselves as “fixers”, problem solvers, who are so in control we don’t need directions. We can figure  out the solutions! We like to be spontaneous and love to play. We may not be the most organized but  who needs organization – that is like asking for directions in normal life.

This nature of man (and I realize that it is not all men) may run counter to the needs in fathering  today. Because organization isn’t natural to us and spontaneity is important we may be put into more  of a reactive mode when caring for our kids. We may not understand everything our kids will throw at  us. As a result, when our kids act out, instead of being measured in our response we may fall back into  an authoritative, controlling mode that we were taught when we grew up. Does this summarize your  nature and parenting style? Is it working? What is your nature and style? Have you thought about  how it works in your family? With your kids?

As fathers today we need to think about how our responses affect home situations. Do our  reactions contribute to solutions or make situations worse? Today, in a non authoritative world of  parenting, it is our responses to situations that affects how our children respond. It takes a while but  over time in fatherhood you too, may recognize that strong reactions often make situations worse. As  you escalate your tone, our children escalate theirs. Or if you are too strong, they act subdued and  learn to work around you to avoid your responses. If you are functioning this way, you are parenting  by using fear. This leads to dysfunctional relationships. How can a father change and make things better?

First, you may be mister fix it at home but don’t try to fix your child’s behavior or their emotion.

When your kids bring up their issues at school or home don’t solve their problems. Respect  them enough to coach them about how to solve their own problems as much as possible.

Work with your spouse to set appropriate limits. This takes discussion, listening, understanding  and planning. You do not own the solutions to all problems. A better understanding can lead to more  appropriate solutions.

Praise your kids whenever you can. Praise from a father is a powerful influence on children.  Use this tool and you will gain respect in your children’s eyes.

Correct your children when you need to but don’t berate them. Don’t be overly critical.  Children are fragile and don’t need to be humiliated. Make your correction and leave it be. You don’t  need to make your kids understand all the points you would like to make. They will understand your  reasoning over time.

Learn to be a listener. It is not our nature. But we learn to be better fathers if we listen, involve  others and not jump to quick fixes.

Recognize that you will make mistakes. It is O.K. to admit them and even apologize for them.  Your kids and spouse will respect you more if you are mature enough to do this.

This is a tall order. But by taking these lessons to heart, a man will be in a better position to be  a good father in today’s parenting environment.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen, Toddler

Raising A Wonderful Child

Much of the parenting advice that comes from  pediatricians and psychologists is directed towards fixing  negative behaviors. But what about those parents who have  a wonderful child. They do exist. Those kids are self  motivated, do well in school and rarely need correction.  Those parents deserve advice too. Wonderful children are a  blessing but they need their parents’ guidance too.

There are challenges in raising wonderful children. It is easy to become complacent about them while  we are busy with other concerns. They are usually self  sufficient so it is easy to forget about them. You still  have responsibility in raising your wonderfully easy child.

When a friend pays a compliment about them, make sure they hear it. It is their compliment not yours. Don’t  over correct them just to keep them from being “too big for  their britches”. Wonderful children take little corrections  to heart. You can trust in the fact that they want to  please.

Instead, challenge your achiever. Show them the struggles we face in our society and our world. You  shouldn’t let them grow up believing everything will come  easy to them. There are always more things to achieve for  children, adolescents and adults.

Work towards continuous improvement in yourself. Our achieving youth need good role models and that starts  at home. If they see you working to improve yourself, they  will see value in improving themselves.

Many good people have gone before us. Read to them or  have them read about great people and their achievements.  They need idols like Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson  Mandela, Anne Sullivan and Mother Theresa.

Pose questions to them; let them come up with  solutions. This keeps them thinking and develops their  creativity. Show them ways to contribute through  volunteering. Let them come up with ways to help out  others. Our wonderful children may be able to make our  world better in the future if they are made aware of  challenges we face today.

Expand their skills. Have your young wonder child try  things that don’t come easy – a musical instrument or a  team sport. Some great kids take the easy route by staying  in their comfort zone. But with new challenges, new skills  may be discovered.

Whatever you do with your wonderful child, don’t take  them for granted. Praise them. Show them you are proud of  them. Recognize their skills and talents. Let them hear  you brag about them even if they moan “oh mom”. They need  to know how you feel about them and that you value who they  are. Through your appreciation of them they will learn how  to appreciate themselves and others.

Wonderful children are easy. They are blessings. But  we need to remember they need parenting as well.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen

Positive Influences Help Us Parent Our Teens

When I do workshops for parents of teenagers I see many shaking heads when I say, “it is a  tough time to be a teenager!” Everyone in the audience recognizes this statement as fact. Few adults  can picture growing up as a teen now. School demands are higher. It is harder to get into college.  College costs add a burden. A high school diploma doesn’t help your career very much. And now,  with the economic crisis, the future looks tougher still. There is only one thing tougher than being a  teenager, and that is being a parent of one!

Teens are exposed to so much so early that they seem to be growing up too fast. The media’s  influence on our teens has never been greater. Movies and TV shows push our teens to be older than  they are. We know the risks that they may encounter but it seems that they do not. We worry for them.  And the freedoms that they demand from us so early make it difficult for us to stay in control. How are  we to parent our teens today? Where else can we turn?

We need to give our kids freedom but it should be a chaperoned freedom. We, the parents do much  of the chaperoning. There is no way around conceding control to other chaperones in the care of  our teens. Teachers, coaches, dance instructors, and other parent surrogates take on our roles as  leaders for our children. This is obvious but when put in this context it sounds scary. As parents, we  don’t want to give up this role to others. Yet, it is not only part of the natural process of separation but  important for our kids to be influenced by outside forces. How could this be?

Our teens go through a period of questioning everything you, their parents, stand for. They  learned your values and your rules for more than twelve years. Teen years is a time for questioning  and, yes, experimentation. Teens try things on for themselves and don’t necessarily do this with  parental consent! Here is where outside influences come in.

Many years ago there was a study that showed that teens that succeeded were often inspired  by an “influential adult”. This was an adult outside the teen’s family that helped to inspire that teen to  achieve something because of the relationship he or she had with that teen. That adult often saw a  skill or a talent in that teen that just needed a little push. That influential adult could be a history  teacher, a baseball coach, or a ballet instructor. This influence helps build a foundation of ego and  confidence in that teenager. It is incredibly powerful for a teen to be recognized by someone other  than a biased parent. No matter what skill was inspired or what adult inspired it, the fact that the teen  was influenced well by someone outside the family is the point. It takes some swallowing of pride for  parents to accept this but it is necessary to realize that it very well may take a village to raise your  teen. Sometimes effective parenting is finding the right supports for your children.

In a recent meeting at Sandra Marie’s School of Ballet, I stated that the school was an  important influence on our young girls and the young men who are lucky enough to belong to this  supportive group of teachers. If you think about the negative influences our kids face, it is scary.  Think about our kids who dance and what their young lives would have been like if they did not have  an avenue to pursue their joy of dance in such a supportive environment. I have seen many young  girls over our eleven years at the studio grow to be mature and secure young women. Sandra Marie’s  leadership had an influence in developing these young people. This is a fact that can’t be denied.  Now, the studio wants to support parents even further. They are sponsoring a parenting workshop for  parents of teenagers.

The workshop is “You Can’t Fix Them So How Can You Live With Them- Parenting teens  today”. This is a workshop I have been giving across the North Shore for many years. I hope you can  join us on ____________________ at ___________________. The workshop will also serve as a  fundraiser for Northeast Youth Ballet. NYB is a nonprofit organization dedicated to bringing quality  ballet to our youth.

Baby, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Infant, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Toddler

Parents Role In Reading

There has been a growth of programs to increase reading. The American Academy of Pediatrics has a program  to increase reading at home. Libraries have always  emphasized reading. Radio programs are plugging reading  programs. A recent study showed that when adults have  books at home the more literate the household becomes. It  has been suggested that Pediatricians ask mothers during  office visits “How many books do you have at home?” as part  of an effort to increase reading. Certainly, reading is  important. But why all the effort to increase reading?

Some troubling statistics answer the question. Today  many college graduates in America cannot read and write  well. Many high school graduates fail reading and writing.  Americans, in general, are reading less. Book sales in the  U.S. have decreased. Books are losing to computers and  T.V. and as a result 30 percent of our high schoolers are  dropping out nationwide. It is a shame that it has to be  emphasized anew. Many years ago it was assumed that  Americans had high literacy and high education levels. But  today we are dropping. This is a cause for every parent to  take up. What can parents do?

Reading must be a factor in your parenting today.  Children need to see books. They need to hear words. They  need to see parents reading. It doesn’t have to be a chore.  Parents do not need to tediously teach their kids to read.  That is a role for teachers and schools. And not all  children learn to read at the same rate. Don’t panic if  you have a late reader. But kids need to see the  importance of books and reading everyday in their home.

Books on tape are a great alternative. It allows  children to use more imagination than videos. They can  play or draw while listening. During a long drive, books  on tape make the ride shorter. If the book isn’t over they  may not want the ride to end.

Keep reading and listening. Take trips to the  library. Use libraries as a resource for books for your  child. Always read a little above your child’s level so  they yearn to read bigger more interesting books. If you are worried about your child’s reading, talk to  your school. There is always extra help available. But  don’t give up at home – keep reading.

Lessons from books are in no short supply. From Greek  myths, to comedies, to English literature, our kids learn  more than words. Life’s lessons are taught through the  experience of centuries. Exposure to books is valuable to  kids and to families – for the lessons and the togetherness  they provide. But in the long run, reading provides an  added value to your child’s education that cannot be  provided in any other way then in their homes.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Parenting For A Better Community

Can you picture a community where parents have babysitting cooperatives? Or communities where businesses  give a “penny-a-purchase” to the community for child care  for those in need? Or a summer program where teens can  “hang out” and be available for odd jobs in the community?  Or where volunteers help tutor students? How about a  volunteer taxi service for the elderly that doesn’t just  run on Election Day? Could any of these ideas become  realities? Perhaps they may become necessities.

Communities can face increasing cuts in services  according to reports about the new proposed federal budget.  Just think what we could teach our kids with greater  commitment to community service.

Just think what we may  gain with greater cooperation with each other over common  causes?

Let’s face it, our culture has been pushing us towards  more individualism and isolation. Even now our government  continues to push us in this direction with the “ownership  society”. As we move in this direction, community services  shrink. That is where increasing cooperation between  community members comes in. If child care programs are  cut, for instance, communities will have to come up with  ways to fill the void.

What does this have to do with parenting? These  issues facing communities should be issues that concern  parents. A loss in services decreases supports to families  and makes family life more difficult – especially for those  who are not financially self sufficient. It is becoming a  necessity for parents to work for better communities. Here  are my suggestions to parents.

1. Parents need to break down barriers that lead to  isolation. Families need each other for support and  sharing of resources. If we all cloister in our own  homes, we will never achieve the necessary sense of  greater community.

2. TV and technology needs to be used more sparingly.  TV, Game boy, computer games, the Internet, Instant  Messaging and cell phones increase our isolation  from each other. How can we build community without  personal interaction? Young children don’t need  technology. They need best friends to play with –  and I mean interactive game play. As young kids  play together, bonds form between families – and a  community builds.

3. Families need to be involved in community activities.  Your involvement could be service oriented such as  working at a food pantry, or driving seniors to  the market. Through serving others, we receive  gratification for doing something good and our  children learn what it is like to give of themselves  to improve the situation of others in our community.

4. Parents need to recognize that each one of us will  have our turn to struggle. Few in our society are  so self sufficient that troubles with joblessness, loss of benefits, school problems and other family  struggles don’t rise up at some inoperative time.  Families should be open to give support to others and  to receive help when they need it.

5. Every community needs supportive services for  families. We cannot allow the push towards ownership  and individualism to continue to erode necessary community services. We need to push back and insist  that our government provide adequate supports to  schools, health care, child care, housing, police and  firefighting services that help keep our families  healthy and secure.

6. Parents need to raise their level of concern about  these issues to a new level. As parents we cannot  wait for further erosion of our schools or our health care system before we become aware and start taking an interest in these issues. These issues are tied to  family security for a majority of families. We, as  parents, have to break out of our isolated shells and  see where the trend is going. We need to teach our  children about the concern for greater community good  by expressing our interest in it.

So if you are interested in working on some of the  ideas I outlined above, get in contact with me or Stacy  Randall at Cape Ann Families. The time is now to work,  serve, and parent for a better community.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Parenting As A Team

You come home from work and your wife is in a heated  debate with your daughter. She wants to ride her bike to  the local store and buy some candy with her own money. You  intercede saying, “What are you two fighting about?” After  a briefing of the issue, you tell your wife to chill out  and stop being so rigid and let your daughter go to the  store. You feel a bit smug and can’t understand why your  wife has to be so rigid with the kids. Meanwhile your wife  feels disempowered and is angry about it. When your  daughter leaves your wife explains “you probably wouldn’t  feel so smug if you realized she already had candy from a  party today and that her doctor told me yesterday to watch  her diet. Good move big guy!” Then you feel like an  idiot.

This wouldn’t happen if spouses make agreements about  how they go about parenting. We all have times where we  are the ones enforcing some rules. As enforcers we need  support from the other parent. Parents need to work  together because children know how to work a divided  parenting structure. If one parent enforces rules more  than the other then children learn to go to the softer  parent.

So how do parents work together to provide consistency  in parenting? It starts with respect. You must respect  your spouse in his or her role as a parent. If one parent  is always dismissed by the other, that parent will have a  hard time upholding authority over the children. Parents  should not undermine each other by acting all knowing or  superior in parenting style. Let’s face it; most of us  don’t know everything there is to parenting. It is  important to demonstrate respect for each others’ authority.

Don’t intercede in an ongoing argument unless invited  by the other parent. Children will try to draw you into  the argument on their side. Don’t fall for this. If you  do you risk undermining your spouse.

Debate issues between the two of you in private away  from the kids. You don’t need the kids to be throwing  their opinions into your disagreements over parenting  issues. Come to decisions on rules and their enforcement  together. Then carry out enforcement of these rules in the  same way.

Don’t agree to a child’s request if you know that the  decision is controversial. Children will go to both  parents separately in order to get one or the other to say  “yes”. A “yes” from one parent is as good as a “yes” from  two. Make sure the child’s request is discussed between  the two parents before granting approval. Kids love to  divide and conquer. Don’t let them do it to you.

As we know, parenting is a tough job. Working  together to support each other in arguments, to set up  rules, and to respond to children’s requests can save your  parenting and can go a long way even to save your marriage.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Parenting In Divorces And Separations

As a pediatrician for over 22 years, caring for  children of divorced parents has always been a big part of  my practice. Being involved in the care of these children  can be a complicated matter. I often have to take into  account whether the prescriptions I write will make it to  the other spouses home. Will asthma treatment be  consistent between homes? Will the kids I care for get  consistent therapy no matter where they live? I certainly  hope that when it comes to medical treatments both parents  share the desire for consistent treatment. A bigger desire  for me is for divorced parents to provide consistent care  for their children even for non-medical issues!!

Up to fifty percent of our marriages in the U.S. end  in divorce. Children often experience horrible conflict  before a divorce. Most of the time, the conflict that  occurs before a divorce, leaves enough scars that continued  conflict after the divorce serves to keep the wounds open.  It is known that children of “peaceful” divorces do better  than those with continued conflict. This is an important  point for all divorced parents to know. Certainly, when  there is enough conflict in a marriage people shouldn’t  “stay together for the sake of the kids”. But in getting a  divorce, both parents should work toward peaceful solutions  of conflict “for the sake of the children”. Here are some  general guidelines for Divorce Parenting.

1. Both parents need to recognize that children do  better in divorce situations where parents are  amiable over decisions involving the children.

2. Don’t use your children as weapons against your  former spouse. “Tell your mother not to keep you up  so late.” “Tell your father to give you a healthy  dinner for a change.” These messages given through  children are actually thinly disguised attacks  against the former spouse. Children don’t need to  hear these attacks and shouldn’t be involved in  them. If you have something to say to your spouse,  communicate directly or through email or notes.

3. Recognize that your child has a right and a need to  love each parent as they wish. They have a right to  judge each parent for themselves.

4. Keep your opinions about your spouse’s character to  yourself. In other words, don’t badmouth your former  spouse in front of the kids.

5. Don’t battle for your children’s favor by giving in  to all their desires. Children get spoiled this way.  They get wise to this battle and use your attitude  to get their way. Then they get confused when rules  need to be enforced by the other parent.

6. Try to communicate about rules – children need  consistency over certain rules. This is particularly  true over bedtime, homework, diets and curfews.

7. Recognize that there may be some differences between  households. Mom may cook at home but dad always  orders out. Many of these differences may be okay.  Kids can learn the rules that you have that are  different from your spouses and respect them.

8. Don’t buy into children’s arguments that “Dad let’s  me!” Kids can learn to get their way by dividing  parents against each other (even in solid marriages).  When kids say “Well, dad let’s me”, you can say  “That’s fine, but you can’t now with me.”

9. Be open to getting help if you start witnessing  extreme behaviors in your children. If because of  their emotional stress your children are failing to  function in school or other outside activities, seek  some help. Divorce is stressful for everyone and  kids often feel the stress in unique ways.

10. Both parents should have goals around caring for  their kids. These goals should focus on three things  kids need in divorce – love, care, and consistency.  If both parents work towards goals of how you will  show your child these three things, your kids may not  suffer terribly from your separation. This may help  you through the hardest part of divorce – helping  your kids cope with the changes in their lives.