Category Archives: Psychology

Behavior, Family, Homepage, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Learning the Vocabulary of Emotion

When birthdays come around, birthday gifts are given to the birthday child and others are jealous. When a pet dies,  children grieve. When a play date cannot happen, a child is  disappointed. When an obstacle is faced, bravery is summoned.  Children can be joyful, happy or downright elated. When one  child has a friend over and the sibling does not, one is happy,  but the other is resentful. How can we bring up children and  handle all their emotions if we can’t label what emotions they  are having? The answer is – we can’t. It is important for all  parents to learn a vocabulary of emotion.

When our children have an emotion, part of how they learn  to deal with it is learning what it is. When children are in an  emotional state they don’t know if it will last forever or go  away shortly. A feeling can be negative or positive. Kids may  want joyful emotions to last forever. On the other hand, sad  emotions feel like they will last forever. In either case,  emotions are learning opportunities. To teach about emotion  parents need to label it for the child. These are new  experiences for them. After a label, a parent can relate an  experience with that emotion. “I was disappointed last week  when daddy had to work late and we couldn’t go out to dinner.  Remember?” This shows the child that you have been there – and  survived the emotion. Then the child should be allowed to get  over their emotion – to have it, own it and learn how to resolve  it. It is not the parent’s job to get the child out of the  emotion. The child will only learn to get things by using the  emotion another time.

So, how does a parent learn a vocabulary of emotion? Let’s  start with these words: Happy, sad, angry, disappointed,  depressed, enraged, surprised, embarrassed, scared, brave,  aggressive, defensive, elated, lonely, jealous, resentful,  frustrated, mourning, sorry, pensive, love, hate, proud. This  is a start. Learn these words and what they mean. More  importantly, notice when your child experiences the emotion and  label it for them. “It seems you are jealous that you didn’t  get a present. We all get jealous at times.” Then let your  child experience the emotion. I am convinced that we are doing  more harm to children by robbing them of their emotional  experiences than we would do by labeling the experience and  letting them own it. When children grow having emotions and  understanding them, they become more stable young adults. If  children grow up in families that deny emotion or avoid dealing  with emotion, kids become confused by emotion well into  adulthood. Take the first step in helping your kids. Label their  emotion and show some understanding of it- they will thank you  when they become a mature adult.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Toddler

Just Do It

Your usually compliant fifteen month old starts arching her back to avoid getting into her car seat. Tooth brushing is met with firmly sealed lips. Perhaps changing  into pajamas gets to be a struggle. Suddenly everything you do with your 15 to 18 month old child’s body becomes a  wrestling match. What is going on? How should parents face these challenging struggles?

I see many parents who spend time every day trying to  rationally talk their toddler into doing what the parents  want. They often give up with a frustrated shrug saying  “he just won’t cooperate”. It is quite natural for  children of this age to refuse to have things done to their  bodies. At a year and a half of age children become very  focused on “me”. They strive for control of things for  themselves. At the same time that they refuse to have  things done for them they often demand that “I do it”. Of  course they may not have the skills to do things well such  as brushing their teeth or buckling their car seat.  Nevertheless, they want to do it themselves. Interceding  with their process causes a fit. So what is the best way  to face this willfulness?

Children at this age do not respond to reasoning very  well. After all, they do not have a reasonable assessment  of their ability to accomplish certain tasks, do they?  Parents will waste time and energy trying to rationally  discuss the approach to the problem at hand. We do better  giving the child a fair chance at the task and them taking  over with “our turn”. Many children won’t react well to  even a shared task. Nevertheless, parents need not allow  the child to control the situation for too long. After a  couple of options and a certain amount of time my wife and  I would resolve the situation by saying “sorry, its time to  just do it”. We would know that we would face a struggle  but we would be ready for it. The first step in “doing it”  was being in position to avoid an escape. Often my son or  daughter would need to be held. Gentle consistent pressure  would overcome any back bending resistance to a car seat.  It takes practice to hold your child and brush teeth or  change a diaper. A colleague of mine was in the practice  of changing a diaper with her knees holding her child’s  torso so her face, body and arms faced her child’s legs. Her arms were free to clean the dirty diaper area. It  seems mean and we need to be careful about how much force  we use. But because many toddlers resist things that need  to be done, parents need to have a point to “just do it”.  It’s not only a slogan for Nike. It is a necessity in homes with toddlers around. Yes we can give toddlers  choices. We can give them a moment to decide to cooperate.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen, Values and Morals

It’s Not Fair

You say “no” to your eight year old. He has enough legos and he doesn’t need ones he has. Then you hear it. “It’s not  fair. Jimmy has that one. How come I can’t get it?” Now you  feel a little guilty. He’s right; his friend Jimmy does have  it. But your son has enough. Should you change your mind?

“It’s not fair.” What a phrase! How do kids learn to use  this? All parents have to realize that all kids use this phrase  to try to guilt their parents into giving them what they want.  All kids! It fascinates me how they learn to use it. Kids must  know that you care to please them. They know that. It becomes  a universal play children use to make you feel that you are not  pleasing them as much as every other parent is pleasing their  children. The follow up to “it’s not fair” is “everyone else  has it”. Do they really know that “everyone else has it” or  “gets it” or “is going to get it”? Of course not. But since  when does a child’s argument have to be factual.

Meanwhile, parents are overloaded. We work more hours. We  spend less time as a family. So many parents compensate by  getting things and giving in to their kids. No wonder kids  learn that “it’s not fair” plays into the parent’s guilt by  making parents feel like they are depriving them not only with  less time together but also with not getting them what everyone  else has.

However, there is a lesson that kids need to learn. Kids  need to know that life isn’t fair. It never is and never will  be. Nor should our kids expect it to be. Many young adults  today are suffering depression from the shock of trying to  sustain all that was handed to them when they were younger as  they enter the “real world” and have to earn things for  themselves. They are learning too late that life isn’t fair.

This doesn’t mean that we should purposely deprive  children. It does mean that we have to recognize this play of  “it’s not fair”. Children shouldn’t be teaching parents about  fairness. We should be teaching them. To start, we need to  face down this play by saying “You are right. It is not fair.  But you can’t always get something because you want it.”  (Editorial comment – The advertising campaign by a certain car  company, which says, “a strong want is a justifiable need” is  teaching a horrible lesson!)

Kids don’t have a good sense of fairness. They learn this  by having good rules that apply to all at home. They learn  fairness from what example we show. Do we treat others with  respect and fairness?

Alternatively, our kids also need to learn unfairness.  Unfairness that hurts people should be fought. This goes for  parents and children to fight injustice in our society on the  small scale and the large scale. But small bits of unfairness –  when a friend gets to go some place special and your child  doesn’t – or when their friend has something they don’t – your  child needs to learn that you can’t always get what you want.  This is really less about fairness and more about how children  learn about disappointment – an emotion they need to learn!

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Is Our Culture Raising Your Child

It is startling how our culture is affecting our  children. When we talk about culture, we include different  facets of life exerting influence on society’s members.  Religion, art, traditions, and family habits and hobbies  should create an environment where children grow in a  culture of values. Today the greatest value that  influences our children’s development may be consumerism  stemming from the influence of TV & technology. This has  been recently outlined in the book “Born to Buy: The  Commercialized Child and the New Consumer Culture” by  Juliet Schor. In this book, Ms. Schor dissects the effects  of marketing to children. She shows how powerfully our  children have been commercialized and what negative  outcomes result. Ms. Schor points out that in our consumer  culture, our children are suffering more depression,  anxiety, low self esteem and psychosomatic complaints.  These troubling conclusions are based on Ms. Schor’s own  study of 300 fifth and sixth graders.

Other books also confirm our society’s effects on children  as consumers. In his book, Seven Habits of Highly  Effective Families, Steven Covey points out that there are  many differences in our culture now compared to forty to  fifty years ago. Fifty years ago, family life consisted  of one parent working outside the home, extended family  nearby, religion a part of their lives, low incidence of  violent crime, safe schools without discipline problems,  and a low influence of TV and technology. Today we  have a high divorce rate, 60% need of daycare, both  parents working out of the home by necessity, increased  violent crime, discipline problems in schools, distant  extended families, decreased influence of religion, and an  overwhelming influence of TV and technology. This change  in our culture is overwhelming! The key question is how  can families bring back their own culture while staving off  the harmful effects of our culture.

Here are some ideas.

  1. Establish continuous family traditions. We all may get  together as a family on Christmas and Thanksgiving. But  what about repetitive traditions like family meals together  around a table or a Sunday afternoon outing together as a  family. Family traditions establish a base from which our  kids can establish an identity. It is definitely time for  families to reestablish some foundation of traditions that  aren’t just once or twice a year.
  2. Increase time for personal interaction within the  family. Turn off the TV. Play games. Kids can learn a  lot from you but only if they are interacting
  3. Decrease use of technology at home. Technology is  taking over our culture. Limit its use so it doesn’t  interfere with family time.
  4. Discuss and think about religion. Every culture has  religion playing a role. Be open to discuss your views and  to hear your kid’s views on religion. However, even if  they are entitled to their opinion, you still have a right  to expose them to your religious beliefs.
  5. Practice art and art appreciation. No matter if you  are good or bad in art, kids need exposure to different  forms of art – and many programs are cut from schools.  Many museums have programs for kids and have open times for  families with kids. You don’t have to be good in art to  foster an interest and appreciation of art.
  6. Play music. Listen to different types of music. Seek  out plays and drama. Or in the least, appreciate some  classic good movies together.
  7. Enjoy our nature. Our natural surroundings are  beautiful and contribute greatly to our culture. Let your  kids know how our seaside setting has contributed to how we  lived in the past and how we live today.
  8. Decrease emphasis on consumerism. Don’t focus only  on certain brand names. And recognize that advertising  is having a tremendous effect on kids. Decrease their  exposure to it. Throw out those catalogs quickly and tune  out those commercials. With an increase in consciousness  toward the deluge of marketing towards our kids, perhaps  more parents can work to decrease its effect on the culture  in which our kids are growing.
Baby, Behavior, Infant, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Toddler

In Their Faces

A one month old looks passively around the exam room and finally meets my eyes. He stops and stares with wonder.  He found something he enjoys looking at – an oval face.

A two month old takes a shorter time to search the room and  find my face. He doesn’t just stare, he smiles and coos –  as if he has things in his head to say but doesn’t know how  to get the words out.

A four month old looks right at me and smiles and coos.  Sometimes he screeches out loud to get my attention. He  doesn’t want me to talk to his mother he wants my total  attention.

At six months of age, a baby looks at me with a frown at  first. He tries to judge my emotion. If I turn to him and  frown, I could make him cry. But I never do that. I know  what he is looking for. As I go over to the exam table I  smile widely. My little friend responds with a beaming  smile and a gurgle.

It gets harder at nine months because at that age they  don’t like any smiling faces, they prefer the faces they  know and love – mom and dads. But that’s okay with me  because as they cry in response to me in the office at  nine months of age, I take comfort in knowing they are  developing well.

I am so lucky to have a job where every week I get to  experience babies. I love to see the changes in their  responses to me as they develop.

Watching children develop is such a joy. I never tire of  seeing it happen. It is something we should all enjoy and  take interest in.

The development in children in the first five years is  absolutely fascinating. They start with responding to  faces with smiles and coos. They progress to knowing their  parent’s faces and preferring those faces to others. They  start learning words in order to interact better. They  fear strangers yet act like the world is theirs to explore  When not getting their way with the world, they start  having temper fits. But as language and understanding  improve the fits go away and sharing begins. Through  sharing and interaction more words and language come. And  when learning more about that language a fascinating world  of the alphabet, letters and labels becomes awakened.  Before we know it, our child is ready for kindergarten.

The first years of our children’s lives are precious  because of this amazing development that occurs. Ninety  percent of their brain development occurs in those first  five years. But they cannot develop alone. This is why  we need to pay attention to our children. They need us  because they can only develop in these vital years through  interaction with us. We need to remember to turn off the  distractions – the TV’s, the movies, the computers – and  stay in our babies’ faces. By being “in their faces” they  develop the skills they need to interact. And by being  in our children’s faces we get to witness it all unfold.  Parents shouldn’t forget this lesson just because our kids  get older. Almost at any age our children can learn from  us. In order to do that they need to interact with us.  This is what family time should be all about – interacting  and watching them grow before our eyes.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

How to Stop Spoiling your Children

After traveling to developing countries and back, I am left with the impression that  American children seem to get everything they want. Two major news companies have  published reports about how children are dominating their parents. Even marketing  efforts have targeted children to influence big family purchases such as cars and  vacations. How do our children get so spoiled and what can we do about it?

There are two ways to spoil children. One way is to give anything and everything  they want. The other is by giving the child all the attention all the time – even when  they don’t deserve it. In both ways of spoiling, children learn to manipulate people.  They learn to get things or attention even without earning it. Spoiled children become  self centered and interested only in self satisfaction. They get fleeting satisfaction from  new things or by controlling the attention from their parents but never are truly happy or  satisfied. But there are ways to fight spoiling.

Parents need to distinguish between our children’s needs versus their wants. We  mistakenly give into our children’s desires thinking they can’t do without those things  they want. But they can!! Kids can actually get by with very little. I know. I have seen  it in action in the orphanage in Honduras. The orphanage director, my friend, Richard,  says that kids actually do better with the less “stuff” so long as they have food, shelter,  clothing and love. Obviously, our kids are exposed to so much it is natural to want things.  It is just important to know they don’t need everything that “everyone else gets”. Kids  really don’t need much to be happy.

If your child wants you to buy them everything, decrease exposure to advertising.  Throw away newspaper inserts and decrease exposure to TV commercials. Saying “no”  more often to their requests will decrease their demands on you over time.

If you have the monetary means to buy your children everything – don’t. Give  your child a way to earn things. Let them obtain enough by their own effort to buy things  for themselves. At least they will learn about earning and making good and bad  purchases.

Some children are spoiled by dominating their family’s attention. This manner of  spoiling promotes behaviors such as whining, tantruming and crying to get their way.  Parents need to learn that you don’t have to own every emotion your child throws at  you. Let them have their emotion and behavior after expressing some understanding. If  parents can learn to face behavior and emotion without giving substantial attention, their  children will learn to deal with these situations without dominating the attention and,  therefore, without being spoiled. Put more simply, whining, tantrums and crying to get  their way should never work for children.

Our children need to grow in environments that foster understanding of the world,  development of a good work ethic and a decreased sense of entitlement. These lessons  can only come if our children grow up without being spoiled. It is with spoiling that our  children grow up thinking that the world revolves around them. We must teach kids what  they can contribute to the world instead of what the world should be giving to them.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Toddler

How Should We Handle a Crying Child?

Much attention has been given to handling a crying baby. But what about a crying child. I have heard people deal with crying children in inappropriate ways. I hear  phrases like “Stop your crying!” That phrase never helps. Other phrases are tossed around such as “If you don’t stop crying you’ll really get it!” Or finally I often hear, “Oh  just take it, you crybaby?”

When our children are babies we often have solutions  for crying. As children get older we become frustrated with our lack of control of our child’s cry. We can no  longer just feed, rock or console our child out of crying. Yet we want them to stop their crying. It is just human  nature to want crying to stop. But should our desire to  stop the crying govern our actions? Of course not. Everyone needs to realize the natural tendency to do, say  or give things to make crying stop. But we should refrain from doing those things. How should we respond to a crying  child?

First we must ask why the child is crying. Did they  miss out on getting something? Is there a disappointment they are facing? Were they physically hurt? Are they  angry? Emotionally hurt by a friend? We are the adults.  We can usually figure out why someone is crying. And if we  figure it out, we should explain that to the child so they  understand why they are crying.

Then we should put that reason for crying in  perspective. “Your hurt (pain) will go away. We all get  disappointed at times. Your friend hurt your feelings and  that is hard for anybody.” With this we can help with some  physical touch, pats on the back or hugs – whichever is  appropriate. By explaining the “Why” of the hurt and just  being there we have expressed understanding and empathy.  That is what a crying child needs.

The crying may not end after that but our job is not  to stop the crying. We need to squash that natural desire  to just get the crying over with! Many times we need to  let them cry. We should not excuse it. (Oh he’s just  tired). That dismisses any true emotion there is. We  should not reward it. (An ice cream will stop that crying.)

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Honesty, Fairness, Humilty And Forgiveness

Honesty, fairness, humility and forgiveness are intimately entwined together in parenting. It is difficult to teach one without the others. Almost all of these are taught by  parents by example. Children see how you treat others and observe this carefully. If you  want an honest, fair, humble and forgiving child, let them see you do it. These qualities  are marks of maturity and are hard for many of us to be consistent with. I believe these  make parenting a very introspective process. Are we honest? Fair? Humble? Are we  sharing these qualities with our children? Do we cheat and are we pleased with  ourselves? Are we out for ourselves or do we grant others a fair share? Do we think we  are better than others or are we “only human”? Are others always at fault deserving  criticism or are we forgiving of others’ mistakes? Are these questions difficult? Do we  naturally believe we are honest humble and forgiving?

To answer these questions think of daily occurrences. Let’s say you find a watch.

In traffic, someone wants to move into your lane. Are you gracious in allowing  the move or do you begrudgingly give up the space? Do you curse or criticize the other  driver?

Someone cuts you off in traffic. Do you call names? Are “stupid” and “idiot”  part of your vocabulary? Are you a better driver than everyone else?

You act out in anger towards your children in an inappropriate manner. Do you  later apologize? Do you ever admit fault?

Kids are very perceptive. They watch how we drive and even more how we  interact with others. They watch to see how fair we are. They question constantly if we  are fair to them. How we are “fair” to our kids varies with age, circumstance and level of  maturity and is subject to interpretation – that is another whole subject for another  column.

Kids watch to see if we are able to admit when we are wrong. They see if we are  able to admit we made a mistake. This takes maturity and humility on our part. Parents  who view apologies as a sign of weakness are still horribly immature. How can we be  viewed by our children as honest if we cannot be honest about our own mistakes and  admit them? And if we are wrong and apologize, don’t we expect forgiveness. Of  course we do. Conversely, we need to act properly and forgiving others as well.

Honesty, fairness, humility and forgiveness – such important lessons. These  complex lessons are taught in daily scenes at home and in public. They are taught by  example. They are taught by practicing them. They are taught by parents taking an  honest look at themselves and how they treat others. These are actions that involve love  and respect for all people and demonstrating that daily in our actions.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Help for Parents of Twins

Wow! The number of twins we see these days! They are so adorable in their twin outfits, twin stroller and twin beds.  But, we don’t see all the work involved with twins when we see  them strolled through a store. Twins are a lot of work. How  can parents of twins handle things better at home? And what can  others do to help?

I asked these questions to several parents of twins and  they gave me their thoughts. First of all, many twins are more  likely to be born early. But this is ok. Most do very well in  the special care nursery. The first couple of weeks in the  hospital can give you more time to get ready at home. You can  get rested and recovered before having full responsibility for  your twins. Just recognize that it can be an emotional time  having newborns and can be disappointing that they don’t come  home with you. Their time in the special care nursery is very  important to their ultimate well being upon discharge. Don’t  push it. Let those wonderful people in special care get your  twins healthy and ready for your care at home. And remember  they may not be ready to go home at the same time.

If you, as the mother, had a C-section delivery, make sure  you have help at home. You need to recover and will need help  with the twins. Fathers can take time off and may use the  Family Medical Leave Act to get extra time.

Any family with twins needs extra hands at home. Use in-
laws, friends and other relatives to cook you meals, do your  shopping and clean your home. Swallow your pride and accept the  help. There is no badge for being macho about handling twins by  yourself. Your family members who are there to help, cook meals  and clean and do menial tasks. The parents need the time with  the twins. Everyone expects to help families by helping with  “the twins”. By doing other things at home you are helping the  twins and by keeping more hands off the twins you are helping  the twins. Let the parents, especially the mother, care for the  twins. Helpers should help support her work but not take it over.

Older children need extra support. Friends and family  members can really help here. Older children often get lost in  the shuffle between twin diaper changes. They need some  involvement but they also need some time with parents and others  giving them some special time.

With the newborn twins, try to keep things simple and  convenient. If one gets hungry, try to feed them both. It will  be best over time to get them on the same schedule. Keep their  beds and changing areas close to your bed. Late night changes  will be easier.

Most importantly, recognize that you’ll probably get half  of what you want to get done done. Don’t sweat it. Relax. Be  flexible.

At the same time be vocal. If you have too much help and  too many visitors, politely say so. Tell people to freeze a  meal for you and send it over next week so they have a way to  help without being in your way. Conversely, if you don’t have  enough help, call people. Families with twins, triplets and  other “multiples” need to have hands around the house. If you  don’t have enough, call in-laws or friends and have someone stay  for a while.

As the twins grow, make sure people know who is who. Refer  to them by their names. Tell people about their individual  skills and attributes. Take pictures together and separate.  Twins tend to be raised as an item. People ask, how are the  twins? Rather than how are John and Jake? From the beginning  these kids will have individual personalities and people need to  recognize their individuality.

Twins are great. They are adorable. They are challenging.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Having Faith & Letting Go

There are a million times in the life of a parent where one  needs to have faith, let go and allow your children to do it  themselves. It seems so easy and logical. Well, of course, we  have to let our kids do it themselves. But, when we are going  through the issues our children face, we often want to do it for  them. It could be the first time they are trying to sleep by  themselves, or the first day of kindergarten. Perhaps, it is when  they are having some battles with their peers during grade school.  Or maybe the day you see them walking off to high school with a  backpack bigger then they are. The first year of college can be  tough to witness – their bravado as high school seniors reduced  to an uncertain wide-eyed freshman once again. The first time on  stage we worry if they can remember all their lines. These are  just a few of life’s examples of when we, the parents, can’t do it  for them – but wish we could.

Sometimes we get drawn into doing it for them as much as we  can. We help with their projects, practice their lines, push them  through college applications, and prep them for their driving  tests. We linger in kindergarten classes and hover over them to  “help” get their homework done. It is scary for parents to “let  go”. We want so much for our children to succeed that many times  we do it for them and coddle them through rough times. But do we  really help or do we hinder?

The amazing thing about children is that they grow and  mature. Many obstacles they face in their lives are timed to  coincide with their maturing process. We may not think they are  ready for the new challenge but they rise to the occasion. We  may receive comments about them. “Susie did great in that school  play last week.” “Congrats on John’s acceptance to Stanford. You  must be proud.” Even though you sweated through the learning of  the lines or getting the applications in on time, they did it and  truly with little help from you. There are so many times in our  lives as parents when we need to have faith and let go. By  having faith and letting go kids feel our belief in them. They  sense the confidence we have in them (even though we don’t feel  it absolutely). Time and again our kids show the world and us  what they are capable of. We need to be there for their rise and  boost them when they fall. Watch them mature. When you get a  compliment about them, pass it on to them. The compliment is  theirs not yours. They need to get the praise they deserve.  Tell them how proud you are of what they accomplish. That will  give them the boost they need for their next challenge.