You bring your child to the playground and before too long you see him push another boy to get his turn at a steering wheel. You scold him but minutes later he pulls  a swing away from another child and pushes his way onto the swing. So you leave. On  other play dates you feel like you have to constantly police him from moment to moment  turns of aggression. You feel that your child is the bully of the group. What can you do?

It often takes parents by surprise that their child could be so aggressive. But  aggressive personalities exist in adults and children. We really shouldn’t be surprised by  natural aggressiveness in children. The real question is what to do about it.

Some aggressiveness in children is good. Aggressiveness in young children may  turn into determination in school or sports later on. Children especially boys are  naturally competitive. Young children do not know how to channel this competitiveness  with fairness. Fairness and equity has to be learned. We shouldn’t try to squash  aggressiveness. It needs direction and fine tuning.

Once we accept aggressiveness as natural we have a better perspective to guide  children. We cannot change their personalities. When we try, they fight it and we get  frustrated. What we can do is supply times, areas, and games that allow aggressiveness.  We need to correct them regularly for times that they are inappropriate. During those  times they may need to be pulled aside and isolated from the group or the play area.

If children are aggressive toward themselves by pulling their own hair, banging  their head or stomping their feet, ignore them. Don’t call undue attention to these  relatively mild forms of self aggression. However, if self aggression gets too harmful  with cuts, bruises, and other injuries seek some help or advice from a professional.

If your child smashes inanimate objects or throws things, take those away. He  may need to have a corner or another space to act out his aggression. He may need a  punching bag or a small trampoline to pound on. Showing a child what he can do with  his aggressiveness helps him channel those feelings.

Some kids need to have activities that help them express aggression. Many  different sports help children do this. The rules of the sport become a microcosm of the  world. So long as children have good sportsmanship role models (which can be hard to  come by sometimes) over time children learn what level of aggression is accepted  “within the rules of the game”. This can then transfer to the rules of life as well.

Patience is required. Perseverance is required as well. It takes both to teach  aggressive kids to be fair and appropriate. Young children will take years to have full  understanding of the rules.

Of course if a child is persistently aggressive in inappropriate places especially  outside the family with classmates or teammates, perhaps seeking help would be  advisable. But for most children aggressive behavior can be channeled into a virtue over  time. It all depends on whether they allow their aggressiveness to be managed and  directed or not.