Category Archives: Family

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Parenting For A Better Community

Can you picture a community where parents have babysitting cooperatives? Or communities where businesses  give a “penny-a-purchase” to the community for child care  for those in need? Or a summer program where teens can  “hang out” and be available for odd jobs in the community?  Or where volunteers help tutor students? How about a  volunteer taxi service for the elderly that doesn’t just  run on Election Day? Could any of these ideas become  realities? Perhaps they may become necessities.

Communities can face increasing cuts in services  according to reports about the new proposed federal budget.  Just think what we could teach our kids with greater  commitment to community service.

Just think what we may  gain with greater cooperation with each other over common  causes?

Let’s face it, our culture has been pushing us towards  more individualism and isolation. Even now our government  continues to push us in this direction with the “ownership  society”. As we move in this direction, community services  shrink. That is where increasing cooperation between  community members comes in. If child care programs are  cut, for instance, communities will have to come up with  ways to fill the void.

What does this have to do with parenting? These  issues facing communities should be issues that concern  parents. A loss in services decreases supports to families  and makes family life more difficult – especially for those  who are not financially self sufficient. It is becoming a  necessity for parents to work for better communities. Here  are my suggestions to parents.

1. Parents need to break down barriers that lead to  isolation. Families need each other for support and  sharing of resources. If we all cloister in our own  homes, we will never achieve the necessary sense of  greater community.

2. TV and technology needs to be used more sparingly.  TV, Game boy, computer games, the Internet, Instant  Messaging and cell phones increase our isolation  from each other. How can we build community without  personal interaction? Young children don’t need  technology. They need best friends to play with –  and I mean interactive game play. As young kids  play together, bonds form between families – and a  community builds.

3. Families need to be involved in community activities.  Your involvement could be service oriented such as  working at a food pantry, or driving seniors to  the market. Through serving others, we receive  gratification for doing something good and our  children learn what it is like to give of themselves  to improve the situation of others in our community.

4. Parents need to recognize that each one of us will  have our turn to struggle. Few in our society are  so self sufficient that troubles with joblessness, loss of benefits, school problems and other family  struggles don’t rise up at some inoperative time.  Families should be open to give support to others and  to receive help when they need it.

5. Every community needs supportive services for  families. We cannot allow the push towards ownership  and individualism to continue to erode necessary community services. We need to push back and insist  that our government provide adequate supports to  schools, health care, child care, housing, police and  firefighting services that help keep our families  healthy and secure.

6. Parents need to raise their level of concern about  these issues to a new level. As parents we cannot  wait for further erosion of our schools or our health care system before we become aware and start taking an interest in these issues. These issues are tied to  family security for a majority of families. We, as  parents, have to break out of our isolated shells and  see where the trend is going. We need to teach our  children about the concern for greater community good  by expressing our interest in it.

So if you are interested in working on some of the  ideas I outlined above, get in contact with me or Stacy  Randall at Cape Ann Families. The time is now to work,  serve, and parent for a better community.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Parenting As A Team

You come home from work and your wife is in a heated  debate with your daughter. She wants to ride her bike to  the local store and buy some candy with her own money. You  intercede saying, “What are you two fighting about?” After  a briefing of the issue, you tell your wife to chill out  and stop being so rigid and let your daughter go to the  store. You feel a bit smug and can’t understand why your  wife has to be so rigid with the kids. Meanwhile your wife  feels disempowered and is angry about it. When your  daughter leaves your wife explains “you probably wouldn’t  feel so smug if you realized she already had candy from a  party today and that her doctor told me yesterday to watch  her diet. Good move big guy!” Then you feel like an  idiot.

This wouldn’t happen if spouses make agreements about  how they go about parenting. We all have times where we  are the ones enforcing some rules. As enforcers we need  support from the other parent. Parents need to work  together because children know how to work a divided  parenting structure. If one parent enforces rules more  than the other then children learn to go to the softer  parent.

So how do parents work together to provide consistency  in parenting? It starts with respect. You must respect  your spouse in his or her role as a parent. If one parent  is always dismissed by the other, that parent will have a  hard time upholding authority over the children. Parents  should not undermine each other by acting all knowing or  superior in parenting style. Let’s face it; most of us  don’t know everything there is to parenting. It is  important to demonstrate respect for each others’ authority.

Don’t intercede in an ongoing argument unless invited  by the other parent. Children will try to draw you into  the argument on their side. Don’t fall for this. If you  do you risk undermining your spouse.

Debate issues between the two of you in private away  from the kids. You don’t need the kids to be throwing  their opinions into your disagreements over parenting  issues. Come to decisions on rules and their enforcement  together. Then carry out enforcement of these rules in the  same way.

Don’t agree to a child’s request if you know that the  decision is controversial. Children will go to both  parents separately in order to get one or the other to say  “yes”. A “yes” from one parent is as good as a “yes” from  two. Make sure the child’s request is discussed between  the two parents before granting approval. Kids love to  divide and conquer. Don’t let them do it to you.

As we know, parenting is a tough job. Working  together to support each other in arguments, to set up  rules, and to respond to children’s requests can save your  parenting and can go a long way even to save your marriage.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Parenting In Divorces And Separations

As a pediatrician for over 22 years, caring for  children of divorced parents has always been a big part of  my practice. Being involved in the care of these children  can be a complicated matter. I often have to take into  account whether the prescriptions I write will make it to  the other spouses home. Will asthma treatment be  consistent between homes? Will the kids I care for get  consistent therapy no matter where they live? I certainly  hope that when it comes to medical treatments both parents  share the desire for consistent treatment. A bigger desire  for me is for divorced parents to provide consistent care  for their children even for non-medical issues!!

Up to fifty percent of our marriages in the U.S. end  in divorce. Children often experience horrible conflict  before a divorce. Most of the time, the conflict that  occurs before a divorce, leaves enough scars that continued  conflict after the divorce serves to keep the wounds open.  It is known that children of “peaceful” divorces do better  than those with continued conflict. This is an important  point for all divorced parents to know. Certainly, when  there is enough conflict in a marriage people shouldn’t  “stay together for the sake of the kids”. But in getting a  divorce, both parents should work toward peaceful solutions  of conflict “for the sake of the children”. Here are some  general guidelines for Divorce Parenting.

1. Both parents need to recognize that children do  better in divorce situations where parents are  amiable over decisions involving the children.

2. Don’t use your children as weapons against your  former spouse. “Tell your mother not to keep you up  so late.” “Tell your father to give you a healthy  dinner for a change.” These messages given through  children are actually thinly disguised attacks  against the former spouse. Children don’t need to  hear these attacks and shouldn’t be involved in  them. If you have something to say to your spouse,  communicate directly or through email or notes.

3. Recognize that your child has a right and a need to  love each parent as they wish. They have a right to  judge each parent for themselves.

4. Keep your opinions about your spouse’s character to  yourself. In other words, don’t badmouth your former  spouse in front of the kids.

5. Don’t battle for your children’s favor by giving in  to all their desires. Children get spoiled this way.  They get wise to this battle and use your attitude  to get their way. Then they get confused when rules  need to be enforced by the other parent.

6. Try to communicate about rules – children need  consistency over certain rules. This is particularly  true over bedtime, homework, diets and curfews.

7. Recognize that there may be some differences between  households. Mom may cook at home but dad always  orders out. Many of these differences may be okay.  Kids can learn the rules that you have that are  different from your spouses and respect them.

8. Don’t buy into children’s arguments that “Dad let’s  me!” Kids can learn to get their way by dividing  parents against each other (even in solid marriages).  When kids say “Well, dad let’s me”, you can say  “That’s fine, but you can’t now with me.”

9. Be open to getting help if you start witnessing  extreme behaviors in your children. If because of  their emotional stress your children are failing to  function in school or other outside activities, seek  some help. Divorce is stressful for everyone and  kids often feel the stress in unique ways.

10. Both parents should have goals around caring for  their kids. These goals should focus on three things  kids need in divorce – love, care, and consistency.  If both parents work towards goals of how you will  show your child these three things, your kids may not  suffer terribly from your separation. This may help  you through the hardest part of divorce – helping  your kids cope with the changes in their lives.

 

Baby, Family, Infant, Parenting Tips

Navigating Through The Baby Information Ocean

Congratulations! You are going to have a baby. As you  get close to the time of having your child, after going  through nine months of pregnancy you face a new life and a  new world of information. The amount of baby information  is astounding. Just trying to buy the appropriate car seat  may require hundreds of pages of reading. The American  Academy of Pediatrics car seat pamphlet alone is six  pages long! Then there are thousands of newborn books,  magazines, websites, videos and tapes on all the other  aspects of care. By the end of your baby’s first month,  you can find yourself afloat on a virtual ocean of baby  information.

As a Pediatrician who for twenty-two years has enjoyed  counseling new parents, I have a set of guidelines to help  keep you from being overwhelmed by all the baby information  that surrounds us. Here is a guide for new parents to use  to go from novice to good parent.

1. There is not one expert that you must listen to.  Even when I advise parents in my practice, I tell  them that what I offer is only advice. Advice can  be used or discarded depending on how it suits you.  With your baby you are the parent and only you will  become the expert on your baby.

2. There is nothing more valuable than a few good  friends. Your friends who have seen through  child rearing may have valuable things to offer to  you. Support from a trusted source such as your  mother or an intimate friend, is as time tested as  pregnancy itself. Unfortunately with our mobile  society, this part of child rearing has become harder  to maintain. Nevertheless, finding the right people  to support you can be critical to your success  especially in the early days of your parenting  career.

3. Trust yourself. Though you will need support as a  new parent, you also need to have faith in yourself.  Most of baby care is using common sense. And I must  say that through all my experience I have mostly  witnessed good use of sense from parents. We all  have to grow into our parenting roles. This takes  time. None of us have parented before and none of us  go through a training program. This gives us plenty  of room for self doubt. But have faith. Many people  have gone before us and learned on the job as we  will. You will do well. Take your time. This is an  overwhelming experience with an overwhelming amount  to learn. Stay committed to learning and you will be  a great parent.

4. Take in a little at a time. We already established  that there is a huge amount of baby care and child  rearing information. But nobody uses all that  information all the time. Having resources at your  disposal when you need it may be a more functional  approach to the information. Have your friends or  your pediatrician suggest some books to have at your  disposal. A few key books, a good local library, and  perhaps a parenting magazine subscription (a good  baby shower gift) may be all you need. Magazines  are good to keep since you’ll never know when that  back issue will be just the answer for the current  problem you’re having with your child. Getting the  information when you need it is practical and less  stressful than trying to know everything there is to  know about babies all at one time.

5. Choose what works for you. When you are facing a  problem with your child you will face a time when  your pediatrician says one thing, your mother another  and your favorite magazine a third. No two people  raise their babies the same way. Likewise, nobody  always has the exact advice you need for your baby.  You are allowed to make a decision for yourself on  what to do with your baby. There is no right or  wrong way to raise a child. Do what your heart says  is right. You have to be the one comfortable with  your own parenting.

6. Finally, the most important thing is to love your  child. Sometimes we can be so worried about whether  we are doing things right that we forget the most  important things. No decision we make will break  our baby’s childhood. Relax. Smile, play with your  baby. With enough support and resources available  we should feel empowered to feel good about being a  parent. We should relieve ourselves of the pressure  we feel. And recognize that the most important  parenting rule is that our children should feel loved  and cared for. So love your child and everything  will be ok. You’ll feel like you are surfing above  that information ocean.

Behavior, Diseases and Conditions, Family, Nutrition, Parenting Tips, Psychology

“My Tummy Hurts”

“My tummy hurts”, “I have a headache”, “I’m not hungry”. I have heard these  complaints a thousand times a year. I have heard these complaints in Italy, Honduras,  and America. It is universal. Kids complain about body issues to their parents – and  to their doctors. But when is a complaint just a complaint and when is it a harbinger of  illness? “My tummy hurts” is a phrase all parents hear. Many times the child expresses  discomfort to their parents. Yet, the discomfort may mean many things to the child. It  could mean “I am full, or “hungry” or “I need to go to the bathroom”. Perhaps it means it  “hurts” in fleeting, temporary, crampy sort of way.

“I have a headache” surprises parents. People don’t believe kids should have  headaches. But they do and most are not troublesome. Most are easily treated with rest  or tylenol. Certainly time and attention helps too.

The complaint “I’m not hungry” often is followed by a series of questions. “Why, don’t  you feel well? Do you have a fever? Is your throat sore?” But perhaps the child just  doesn’t want to eat.

When children complain should parents and other caring adults be concerned? Is  something really wrong? Will they starve? Will they get sicker? Many children’s  complaints don’t need any action. Many only need patience and observation. Often a  little attention suffices to solve the problem. Sometimes that is the only thing the child  was after to begin with.

Of course, we as adults fear overlooking real illness. But we need not worry too much  with complaints alone. With real illness children demonstrate real evidence of illness.  A temperature may come. Cough, vomiting, diarrhea, ear pain or sore throats become  apparent. Rarely is a simple complaint evidence of illness without some corresponding  signs. It is when children are demonstrating a combination of factors (i.e. a complaint  of stomach ache and diarrhea and signs of dehydration) that medical advice should be  sought after. A complaint alone needs patience, love, time and keen observation.

Complaints that persist with regularity without physical signs may lead to other  questions. If complaints are during week days, is there a problem with school? Is  the child missing a lot of school? Are the complaints a manifestation of something  happening at school such as bullying? Could the complaints be part of stress at home?  Or could the complaints be evidence of anxiety or depression in the child?

We all hear complaints from children. It happens in all cultures and all countries.  What to do about complaints may not be as easy as a trip to the doctor’s office. When  children are truly physically ill, they’ll show us. It is the other complaints that take more  wisdom to discover the real cause. And there are many complaints that go away only  because of the love and care we show.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

More Than One Way To Spoil A Child

Over my 20 + years of practice I have learned that spoiling a child comes in  different forms. Some forms of spoiling can be invisible to parents unless they think  about it. Parents can innocently fall into patterns of responding to their children that  inadvertently spoil their children in one way or another. So what are the ways we can  spoil children?

I break down spoiling to four forms, (1) all attention all the time, (2) no emotion  going unnoticed, (3) behavior gaining rewards and (4) getting anything they want. Let’s  look at each form one at a time.

Parents want to be attentive to their children and children yearn for attention. But  some kids work hard to get their parents’ attention and get it all the time. These parents  feel that they never get a break. The children grow up believing the world revolves  around them. They learn to be the entertainers. They love being the center of attention  and seek it out. Certainly kids need attention but they don’t need it 24/7.

The second form of spoiling is what I call “no emotion going unnoticed.” These  parents cannot bear to see their child experiencing an emotion without trying to care for it  for the child. This is fine when sharing a positive emotion. However, for many negative  emotions children learn that the parent is needed to take care of their emotion. They  learn that mom or dad takes on and fixes any sadness or disappointment. Children may  use this to get things they want by using emotion. No parent wants to see a sad or  disappointed child. Nevertheless, after defining the emotion and sharing some  experience with the same emotion, parents should not rob their children of the  opportunity to experience the emotion for themselves. These are important lessons for  children even if it is hard for parents to witness.

The third way of spoiling is when behavior gains rewards. This way of spoiling  is obvious for many people looking from the outside. We may see this in public places  when a child tantrums and gets rewarded with a toy or candy in order to stop the  behavior. Children learn to act out in certain ways to get what they want (or a suitable  substitute). Parents need to be aware of this and work to ignore negative behaviors. Be  sure that no behavior governs your action. Don’t work to get your children out of  negative zones. They need to control their own behavior without getting anything for it.

The last way children are spoiled is straight forward. These are the kids who “get  anything they want”. These kids learn that they can expect and get everything they want  whether they deserve it or not.  The world is theirs – even if they don’t earn it. These  kids are the ultimate in privileged children. Children need to learn to earn things they  want. They should not learn to receive through privilege.

Spoiling does not benefit children or our future society. Parents need to reflect on  these forms of spoiling and reassess how they approach their children’s emotion,  behavior and true needs. We want to care and provide for our children. But when we  overdo it, there are consequences for our children now and in the future. Each of these  forms of spoiling has a down side. Kids can learn to get the attention or to use emotion.  They can receive just by being the privileged son or daughter. What is it that you want to  teach your child about how the world works, how people earn a living, or how privileged  we are? What are you teaching them? Think about it. And then change your approach so  your child learns the right lessons about life.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Mislabeling Your Mischievious Devil

“Oh, this one is our rascal!” “We’re going to have to  watch him.” “He’s my climber.” “He’s a devil.” “He is so  mischievous.” “She’s our sneaky one.” “She’s going to put us  in an early grave.” “We’re going to have to keep our eyes on  her.” How often do parents throw labels at their children? Is  it warranted? Does it do any good or does it reinforce behavior  we don’t want?

It is fascinating to see kids explore. They want to use new  talents to climb on stools, chairs and stairs. They want to look  at interesting new objects especially those with lights or  sound. And they want to copy what we do with the things we use.  They are naturally curious. So when kids start climbing chairs  and stools to get to our things that are out of their reach, why  are we surprised? Likewise, the TV remote is of interest to us  so kids find it fascinating. Stereo systems and other  mechanical things provide satisfaction for a child’s curiosity  into the adult’s world. It is no fault of children that they  develop interest in all things adults use. Yet it is usually  when children get into our things that they get their labels. It  is the child who learns how to turn on the TV, or take cookies  from a cabinet, or who sneaks off with the bag of chips that  gets assigned the negative label. There are better ways to deal  with this then labeling your child.

Labels really serve no purpose unless they are to  complement a child. “You are our piano genius.” “You really  know how to find lost things.” But labels with a negative  connotation do two things. First they tend to stick around. We  remember negative labels easily. Secondly, labels reinforce the  behavior by giving it too much attention. Parents end up  fulfilling their own prophecy of their “rascal” child by  repeatedly pointing out their “rascally” behavior. It is a  decent goal in all families to avoid negative labels put on any  child no matter how young or how old.

Instead of labeling, parents need to set boundaries for  their children. “You cannot play with the remote.” We can also  work preventatively by hiding the remote or putting it out of  range for temptation. Take corrective action. “You found the  remote again, I’m going go put it on the highest shelf now.”  Parents have to expect children to be inquisitive and curious.  It is not evil to be that way. By correcting these behaviors in  simple ways, we can avoid labels. As we do this, we must  remember to praise the positive in our children. After all, it  is the positive labels we want them to associate with  themselves. So label the positive, and simply correct the  negative without too much emphasis and attention. Our kids will  learn what is positive in their actions and gravitate towards  more positive actions. This way he or she won’t learn to be  your “mischievous devil”.

Behavior, Family, Nutrition, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Meals Made Easier

Has your child turned family mealtime into a family  nightmare? Are dinners a perpetual struggle? Do you make  five meals before your child settles on the same old  reliable? Do you have back up plans in case dinner isn’t a  hit? You can make meals easier in your house by adopting a  few basic rules. But first parents need to understand some  background about children and their appetites.

Children fool us in the first year of life that they  will always be good eaters. During that first year kids  grow rapidly and have an appetite that matches their rapid  growth. We, as parents, get lulled into the idea that  their good appetite in the first year is our success. This  sets us up for frustration as nature slows down our  children’s growth in the second year, and their appetites  drop accordingly. They simply do not need to eat as much  after their first year in order to continue normal growth.

Unfortunately, many parents live with the cultural  myth that says being a good parent means your child eats.  Operating under this myth we help our kids play games  around food and eating. They can hold out for their 4 or 5  favorite foods because they know you are worried about how  much they eat and know that you will eventually come around  to a food they like. In other words, they select their  diet by refusing the diet you offer.

Parents need to operate under a new paradigm. Being a  good parent means that you offer only a balanced diet no  matter whether they eat or not. Children should not choose  their diets. Children will choose to eat good foods over  starving themselves. In fact children do not starve  themselves even as we worry that they will. They just look  like they will while they hold out for what they want.

If parents learn to present meals to their children  under a new set of rules, family meal stress will decrease  dramatically.

Don’t allow children to push your buttons over meals.  Believe in the fact that they do not starve themselves.

You are in charge of choosing their diet.

They are in charge of eating from the presented food  or not. Eventually they will choose to eat from the good  diet you are presenting. Check out the new food pyramid,  and keep the good diet coming.

Get junky foods out of the house and keep them out.

Don’t make your child eat.

Don’t make them sit in front of their meal incessantly.

Don’t give them cereal before bedtime.

Don’t punish over food.

Don’t let food and feeding be so important to you.  Presenting a good diet is the only important responsibility  in managing your child’s diet.

You can close your kitchen anytime you want. A good  time for this is when dinner has been cleared.

When parents start to recognize what they have control  over, (the diet selection) and what they don’t have control  over (how much is eaten) then dinner time can become the  peaceful time it should be.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Maturing In Your Parenting Role

For twenty-three years I have been witnessing parents develop into their role. All parents start out adoring  their little precious bundle of joy. In the beginning the  parent’s role is to respond to the baby’s every call. When  their baby cries, mom and dad spring into action. Mom and  dad follow their basic instinct to respond and comfort  their child. Baby experts across the country recommend  spoiling, cuddling and responding to baby’s cries for the  first three months of life. Most new parents cannot help  themselves but do just that.

A responsive approach works for a while with children.

Over time, parents are surprised when a change comes  to the relationship. Our children develop wills and their  demands are no longer easily met. Things you could  distract your child from, just weeks ago, now are things  your child persists in wanting and they cry over it. This  marks a change in parenting. For the first months of life,  we learned to be totally responsive to our child. But,  after time, we see the will of our child and need to face  that will. This leads to conflict between us and our  children and conflict within us. Do we respond? How do we  respond? Do we give into our child’s cry? If we respond,  are we catering too much to their wants? If we ignore  their demands, are we being too strict?

Parents have to grow and mature in their role as  a parent. Part of that maturing is recognizing our child’s  will and learning how to direct them. Parents have to  learn a balance between leniency and strictness.

Young parents are often surprised that their child has  a will. Many parents tell me that their child “knows what  she wants” or “has a mind of her own”. This isn’t a  novelty. All children do. The challenge for us, as  parents, is to know when to give into their wills and when  not to.

By eighteen months of age children demonstrate  persistence in their desires. You can no longer distract  them away from a desired object. As a result, children  become crafty in trying to get what they want. Through  trial and error they “try-on” different behaviors to get  their way. It is facing these behaviors that become the  battleground for parents. Their behaviors change over time.  Toddlers have temper fits of different varieties. Grade  school children whine and teenagers argue. And there are  many other behaviors in between. We must change from  responding to their whims to ignoring their behaviors.  When parents can listen to their child cry, whine, stomp,  kick, groan and argue over something they want and, yet,  not respond to them, they have grown as a parent.

When you see that your child has developed a will, and  you know their motivation for their cries, you must learn  when it is right to ignore and when it is right to respond.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Managing Aggression in Children

As hostilities dominate the newsreels, many parents  face an increase in childhood aggression. Whether managing  shoving matches between children, toddlers grabbing each  others toys, or open fights in playgrounds, all adults have  to face anger and aggression in children. What are we to  do to decrease hostile behavior in kids? What defines an  overly aggressive child? When should parents seek help?

We shouldn’t be surprised or overly worried to see  some aggression in kids. It is quite natural. Some  aggression is necessary for many kids to succeed in sports,  school, and social settings. We need to accept some  aggression so long as we set a framework of what level is  appropriate.

How aggression is acted out is an important issue as  well. Aggressive play with legos or army guys is different  from a realistic video game. Working out their aggression  in play with inanimate objects like legos is very valuable  to children. Children work out many scenes in their minds  through this play. Violent videos and computer games blur  the boundaries of appropriate aggression. Children who  play violent games are less likely to recognize real  violence as inappropriate. They are less likely to object  to violence and more likely to be aggressive then children  who don’t play violent computer games. This is becoming a  great problem particularly for boys. Curbing the use of  video games especially at a young age is important for  parents to enforce. Decreasing exposure to violent shows  and video games decreases aggression in children.

So what are some parameters for dealing with  aggressive acts in children? We start with defining the  who, where, and how of aggressive acts. Children can  display aggression against themselves, other people or to  pets. Aggression towards others should be corrected. We  should not allow pushing, hitting and grabbing of others to  get their way. Likewise, aggression towards pets or  animals is inappropriate, dangerous, and inhumane. We  cannot allow that either. In those cases kids should be  quickly and sternly corrected and then ignored. (Giving  kids too much attention for their inappropriate behavior  can be too rewarding to kids.)

When kids exhibit self-aggression, we may not want to  be too quick to correct it. Some kids hit themselves or  pull their own hair when they “goof up”. For the most  part, parents should not make too much of this. However,  if self-aggression reaches the point of really hurting  themselves (i.e. leaving bruises, scratches or cuts on  themselves) parents should seek some counsel from a  physician or counselor.

There are appropriate places that can help aggressive  children “work out” their anger. Wrestling, Karate, other  martial arts, football and other sports are areas where  children can use socially acceptable means to work out  aggression. Appropriate coaching is necessary for all  these sports. Parents need to listen and respond to  coaches who have to sit a child out or otherwise correct a  child who, even in these environments, are being “too  aggressive”. We need to support teachers and coaches who  discipline players for inappropriate behaviors.

Overall, parents who think their children are on the  aggressive side need to monitor this issue carefully.  Children need rules to contain aggression such as no  hitting, no biting, no throwing objects at people, and  never intentionally hurt an animal. When these rules are  broken, stern correction and isolation of the offender  should occur. In and out of home, appropriate ways to work  out tension and aggression should be taught. And when a  child is overly aggressive in too many situations seek  help. Parents need to listen to surrogate parents  (teachers or coaches) and support their decisions to  discipline an aggressive child. We are seeing a rise in  aggressive behaviors. Our kids need to learn appropriate  forms of aggressive behavior and it is up to all adults to  teach it.