As a pediatrician for over 22 years, caring for  children of divorced parents has always been a big part of  my practice. Being involved in the care of these children  can be a complicated matter. I often have to take into  account whether the prescriptions I write will make it to  the other spouses home. Will asthma treatment be  consistent between homes? Will the kids I care for get  consistent therapy no matter where they live? I certainly  hope that when it comes to medical treatments both parents  share the desire for consistent treatment. A bigger desire  for me is for divorced parents to provide consistent care  for their children even for non-medical issues!!

Up to fifty percent of our marriages in the U.S. end  in divorce. Children often experience horrible conflict  before a divorce. Most of the time, the conflict that  occurs before a divorce, leaves enough scars that continued  conflict after the divorce serves to keep the wounds open.  It is known that children of “peaceful” divorces do better  than those with continued conflict. This is an important  point for all divorced parents to know. Certainly, when  there is enough conflict in a marriage people shouldn’t  “stay together for the sake of the kids”. But in getting a  divorce, both parents should work toward peaceful solutions  of conflict “for the sake of the children”. Here are some  general guidelines for Divorce Parenting.

1. Both parents need to recognize that children do  better in divorce situations where parents are  amiable over decisions involving the children.

2. Don’t use your children as weapons against your  former spouse. “Tell your mother not to keep you up  so late.” “Tell your father to give you a healthy  dinner for a change.” These messages given through  children are actually thinly disguised attacks  against the former spouse. Children don’t need to  hear these attacks and shouldn’t be involved in  them. If you have something to say to your spouse,  communicate directly or through email or notes.

3. Recognize that your child has a right and a need to  love each parent as they wish. They have a right to  judge each parent for themselves.

4. Keep your opinions about your spouse’s character to  yourself. In other words, don’t badmouth your former  spouse in front of the kids.

5. Don’t battle for your children’s favor by giving in  to all their desires. Children get spoiled this way.  They get wise to this battle and use your attitude  to get their way. Then they get confused when rules  need to be enforced by the other parent.

6. Try to communicate about rules – children need  consistency over certain rules. This is particularly  true over bedtime, homework, diets and curfews.

7. Recognize that there may be some differences between  households. Mom may cook at home but dad always  orders out. Many of these differences may be okay.  Kids can learn the rules that you have that are  different from your spouses and respect them.

8. Don’t buy into children’s arguments that “Dad let’s  me!” Kids can learn to get their way by dividing  parents against each other (even in solid marriages).  When kids say “Well, dad let’s me”, you can say  “That’s fine, but you can’t now with me.”

9. Be open to getting help if you start witnessing  extreme behaviors in your children. If because of  their emotional stress your children are failing to  function in school or other outside activities, seek  some help. Divorce is stressful for everyone and  kids often feel the stress in unique ways.

10. Both parents should have goals around caring for  their kids. These goals should focus on three things  kids need in divorce – love, care, and consistency.  If both parents work towards goals of how you will  show your child these three things, your kids may not  suffer terribly from your separation. This may help  you through the hardest part of divorce – helping  your kids cope with the changes in their lives.