You come home from work and your wife is in a heated  debate with your daughter. She wants to ride her bike to  the local store and buy some candy with her own money. You  intercede saying, “What are you two fighting about?” After  a briefing of the issue, you tell your wife to chill out  and stop being so rigid and let your daughter go to the  store. You feel a bit smug and can’t understand why your  wife has to be so rigid with the kids. Meanwhile your wife  feels disempowered and is angry about it. When your  daughter leaves your wife explains “you probably wouldn’t  feel so smug if you realized she already had candy from a  party today and that her doctor told me yesterday to watch  her diet. Good move big guy!” Then you feel like an  idiot.

This wouldn’t happen if spouses make agreements about  how they go about parenting. We all have times where we  are the ones enforcing some rules. As enforcers we need  support from the other parent. Parents need to work  together because children know how to work a divided  parenting structure. If one parent enforces rules more  than the other then children learn to go to the softer  parent.

So how do parents work together to provide consistency  in parenting? It starts with respect. You must respect  your spouse in his or her role as a parent. If one parent  is always dismissed by the other, that parent will have a  hard time upholding authority over the children. Parents  should not undermine each other by acting all knowing or  superior in parenting style. Let’s face it; most of us  don’t know everything there is to parenting. It is  important to demonstrate respect for each others’ authority.

Don’t intercede in an ongoing argument unless invited  by the other parent. Children will try to draw you into  the argument on their side. Don’t fall for this. If you  do you risk undermining your spouse.

Debate issues between the two of you in private away  from the kids. You don’t need the kids to be throwing  their opinions into your disagreements over parenting  issues. Come to decisions on rules and their enforcement  together. Then carry out enforcement of these rules in the  same way.

Don’t agree to a child’s request if you know that the  decision is controversial. Children will go to both  parents separately in order to get one or the other to say  “yes”. A “yes” from one parent is as good as a “yes” from  two. Make sure the child’s request is discussed between  the two parents before granting approval. Kids love to  divide and conquer. Don’t let them do it to you.

As we know, parenting is a tough job. Working  together to support each other in arguments, to set up  rules, and to respond to children’s requests can save your  parenting and can go a long way even to save your marriage.