Category Archives: Community

Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Creating A Peaceful Home

Everyday we receive reminders that we are at war. Pictures from Iraq are on TV every night. Violent events  in our cities are reported daily as well. Movies and  television shows add to the climate by making us believe  that violence is more prevalent than it really is. There  is a picture of violence shown on TV every few seconds.  New video games display graphic scenes of shooting and  killing. With the pervasive onslaught of violence, how can  parents maintain a peaceful home?

We need to step back for one moment and realize that  exposure to violence has affects on our children. Children  who witness violence are less secure and more violent than  those who do not. Many will become desensitized to  violence. This means they are more accepting of violence  they may witness at school and sports events. They may be  less likely to intercede to stop violence that they  witness. Children can become unable to solve problems  without violence. Many can suffer bad dreams and fears  about school. Some kids bully others and other kids get  bullied. These are real reasons to work for a more  peaceful home.

To make our homes peaceful, we need to recognize that  violence is marketed to us. It sells. It is easy to play  on peoples fears. Fear is a powerful emotion. We need to  recognize how powerful an influence this is in our society  and take steps to fight it.

Families need to turn off and tune out of TV and  computer sites that exploit violence. Keep kids away from  adult material on TV and in movies. Don’t buy guns, swords  or other violently focused toys and games. If you have  violent toys and games, give them up. Some groups organize  toy gun disposal projects. Turn off violent music.  Institute quiet times at home and play peaceful music.

Get outside and see nature. Nature’s beauty is a  strong antidote to killings on TV. Create and build. Art  and construction projects build up rather than tear down.

Let’s all boycott violent shows, movies and news  reports. Maybe the marketers will change their focus.

If you have witnessed real violence seek help. Real  violence shocks our system. We may accept it more when it  happens to others, but it is shocking when it happens to  us. Post traumatic stress disorder is common after  involvement in a violent event.

Be aware of what is happening at your school. Schools  are dealing with more fights and bullying then ever before.  Know your school’s policies on bullying. If you suspect it  happening to your child, contact the guidance office.

Violence is happening all around us –mostly  transmitted to us through the media. Families can work on  stopping violence starting with decreasing exposure on TV  and computers. Talk about the violence you see in movies.  Express to your children how you feel about violence and  how you expect them to behave in threatening situations.  Using some of the ideas presented here and some of your own  creativity, you can raise an aware child in your peaceful  home environment.

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Conflict Resolution For Children

Your kids are settled into play with Legos. Everything is peaceful. You think it may be time to sneak away to grab a cup  of coffee and read some of the morning paper. Before you take  your first sip you hear it start:

“I had it first!”

“Well, it’s mine!”

Then all hell breaks loose. Before you reach the scene,  Legos are thrown and your two children are in a rumble. Why is  it that kids can’t get along for five minutes? Why are they  always in conflict?

It’s natural for parents to want a peaceful home. Part of  that expectation includes having our children acting peacefully  toward each other. But this is just an unreasonable expectation  because there will be conflict. But there is a better way to  approach it, and I say this based on personal experience. I  want a peaceful one, too. I remember trying to extinguish any  conflict and wondering why it didn’t work. I found myself  waiting for the conflict and ready to pounce when it started.  What I created was an environment where conflict was expected  and my kids expected me to work things out for them. Over time,  I have figured out a new approach that works better for everyone.

What I learned was that it was natural for children in a  family to have conflict. Just by the nature of being siblings,  they are in competition with each other. At the very least,  they will compete for their parents’ attention. Because of that  competition, they will naturally try to bring you into their  conflicts to see who wins your approval and who loses.

However, this is one arena where we should avoid giving our  children attention. In effect, they want us involved in their  conflict, but we need to work at staying out of it. Here’s how:

  1. Expect conflict. Siblings will get into battles. If we  work to keep them out of conflict altogether, we teach them  nothing about solving conflict and we remain in a role as  “warden.”
  2. Set up rules for their battles. Kids can learn to settle  their battles over time if given the right guidelines. For  starters, tell them there will be no hitting, no biting,  and no throwing things at people and to use inside voices.  Add your own rules and let kids add some, too. Post them  on the refrigerator so they are known to all.
  3. You get involved only when rules are broke. When you  intercede, only refer to the rule that was broken. Don’t  get involved with the content of the battle. “Well, he  took my Lego and threw it. Then he…” You’ll never get the  real story.
  4. Never take sides. Parents tend to side with the younger  child. The younger child can learn this and use it to  provoke a fight to get their way. It will make more sense  and be a lot easier if you break up fights based on the  rules of engagement you have posted on your refrigerator.
  5. When rules are broken. Separate your children. Remove them  or remove the toys. Neither child should “win” the object  of the fight.
  6. Be careful. Remember, they can be tricky in attempts to  get you involved in the conflict. “But he hurt my toe, see  it’s bleeding” (there’s no visible blood). Unless someone  is truly visibly hurt, don’t buy into it.
  7. If you witness a crime, deal with the offender. If one  child does hit another while you happen to pass by, you  need to punish what you saw. All the other rules listed  above are in effect particularly for events you don’t  witness.

Following the above guidelines will help you begin a new  life free of owning your children’s conflict.

Eventually, your children will learn conflict resolution if  they have any desire to play with each other, which most kids  do. Instead of protecting a younger child, monitoring  playtime and being a referee, you will be the keeper of the  refrigerator rules. It will remove you from the emotions of  the conflicts and allow your kids to learn to resolve things  on their own.

Just think, you may be on your way to a more peaceful home.

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Challenge Your Child

“Everyone tells me to get rid of the bottle but . . .” “He loves his pacifier so much I can’t bring myself to get rid of it.” “I’d love to move him to a bed but he loves his crib.” “I’m worried about how  she will do going to kindergarten next year – she’s so attached to me.” “I’m afraid she’ll be calling me  daily from her dorm room. She’s never been away from home for more than a week.” No matter what  the new challenge is, why do we fear it?

I hear these statements from parents almost daily. We fear making changes in our young kids’ routines. We fear steps they have to take in their lives whether it is the first day of kindergarten or first  week at college. We express concern about how our kids will react. We doubt whether they are ready.

I jokingly tell parents that we should be saving for our children’s future therapy as much as we  save for their college. The fact is we need to challenge our children. How else can they progress? In  fact, our kids rise to the occasion time and again.

It is easy for us to bow to excuses. “It isn’t fair to get rid of the pacifier. She’s not feeling  well.” “It’s not the right time of year to change beds.” “She’s too young to go to this new school.”  “She’s always too tired, too emotional, too…. Besides, she likes it the way it is now. Why change the  routine.” If we continued with all the excuses we would have thousands of eighteen year olds in cribs  and with pacifiers.

Do not fear change. For the sake of our children we, the parents, need to embrace change.  Don’t fear challenging your children. When children see parents with confidence and determination,  they sense and incorporate that confidence and determination. They sense our confidence and get over  their obstacle. They skip off to kindergarten while behind our facade we want them to need us. If they  sense confidence our kids adapt and move forward. They forget the pacifiers, enjoy their new beds,  gain friendships in kindergarten, and call home less in college. All of this occurs with less trepidation  and less challenge than we anticipate. Kids are resilient. They develop. They mature. They surprise  us and make a life for themselves. All of that can occur with the most important gift we can give our  kids – faith and confidence in them. Challenge your children and have faith. It is amazing what they  can do.

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Teen

Calming The Morning Chaos

Every school day is the same. Getting your kids off to school is torture. You dread it. You get up, put out a  breakfast and start waking the kids. As usual they won’t  get out of bed. You turn on the lights. They finally sit  on the edge of their beds in a groggy state and complain  about the clothes you picked out. They resist getting  dressed. You fight and yell to get them dressed. Running  behind schedule, breakfast is served late. Milk gets  spilled because one of the kids needed “to do it  themselves”. You clean up despite their tears and yours.  A mad dash to the car follows with a piece of toast in your  teeth and coffee thermos in your hand. The kids grumpily  get out of the car at school and inform you that they left  their homework at home. There has to be a better way.

Why are mornings so hard? What can make them easier?  Children by nature resist activities that put demands on  them. School by necessity fits this billing. To top off  the demands schools place on kids, we put demands on  children immediately upon awakening. It is one thing for  us to spend a morning facing down our child’s resistance to  chores but a whole different thing to face down their  resistance in the short time we have before school.  Parents have a consciousness for time. Children do not.  So as we face their resistance to our demands (getting  dressed, having breakfast, getting school lunch ready) and  their resistance to school, we get progressively stressed  over the time. Meanwhile they don’t care so much about the  time and seem to revel in the battles with us. No wonder  you have stress!

To fix your morning routine you can take some easy  steps – and one hard one. First, prepare what you can the  night before – put out choices of clothes, set the  breakfast table, make school lunches, get backpacks ready.  In the morning break the routine into stages – (1. get up  and dressed; 2 have breakfast; 3. gather things; and 4.  move to car). Give limited choices in each of the stages.  (You can wear the blue shirt or the green shirt; you can  have oatmeal or cheerios). No matter what happens you keep  moving into the next stage. (“You can keep working on  getting dressed but I’m moving onto breakfast.”) You may  have to set a timer for each stage. Once the timer goes  off you are moving on – whether they are ready or not. For  a couple of days they may be playing catch up but then they  will start keeping up.

The major step parents need to take is not engaging in  the battles they want to wage. Remember it is through  these battles that they control the mornings. If you don’t  engage they must move along – after all, the timer says so.

In the evenings, discuss the morning and what went  well and what went wrong. Don’t argue but make  suggestions. Remind them about your commitment to the  timer. Reassert that you are going to move along with or  without them fulfilling each stage of the morning. The  next morning do it again. Stay with it. Repeat this  mantra – “Don’t engage in battles in the morning. Don’t  engage in battles in the morning. Keep moving along.”  Surprisingly over a short time your mornings, though never  perfect, will be better.

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Back To School Again

For many families the yearly ritual of preparing the return to school consists of buying new clothes, a backpack,  lunch bag, shoes, pencils and rulers. But for kids it can  be something more than the shopping spree handles. For  children, “back to school” means starting a new job. You  know that feeling you have when you start a new job? What  is my boss like? Can I meet the expectations? Will this  be harder than my old job? What are my colleagues like?  Will I fit in? These questions are not unlike the unspoken  questions that linger below the surface for most children  entering a new grade. How do we help our kids with these  questions?

The first thing we need to understand is that this is an  anxious time for children. That is the primary reason why  their behavior may be worse at the end of the summer (and  why we want them back in school). As kids try to stretch  out their fun, push our limits, and deny the inevitable  first day of school, our frustration rises. But we can  respond better to our kids if we understand their actions  in context with their anxiety. It may be appropriate for  kids to have a last hurrah of summer fun. But it is also  appropriate for them to prepare for the school year. Here  are some tips for getting your kids ready for success in  their new job.

  1.  Address their fears with confidence and  encouragement. All kids exhibit fears and doubts.  These are often an indirect way for children to ask  their parents “Should I be worried? How do you  think I will do in school, mom?” Viewing their  fears in this light makes our jobs as parents  easier. Even though we may be emotional about  our child’s next step in the progress of life (1st day of Kindergarten, to packing up for college)  these questions tell us what our job is. We must  reflect back to our children the confidence we have  in them. Clearly expressing confidence in their  ability in meeting your expectations is what our  children need when they express signs of fear about  a new year in school Of course, what you expect  needs to be appropriate for your child.
  2. Discuss your expectations for their school  year. What kind of grades do you realistically  expect your child to achieve? Express faith in  their ability to achieve. Then discuss other  expectations such as homework time, bedtime and  other house rules. The right structure at home  can help your child succeed. By setting the  expectations and ground rules at the beginning of  the year, we can help our kids succeed right from  the start.
  3. Ease your kids back to a school sleep schedule. It  is hard to start the first week of school too tired  to face the work. Towards the last week of summer  and Labor Day weekend, set bedtimes so that by the  first day of school your kids are “on schedule.”
  4. Plan on getting to know the expectations the school  has for your child. Talk to her teacher at the  beginning of the year. How much homework will  there by? How challenging will each subject be  for your child? Based on last year, what are  your child’s strengths? Weaknesses? How can you  support him best in those subjects?
  5. Set up an area for successful homework completion.  Find an area at home where your child is  comfortable working. It should be an area where  you can be close to help out when he needs it. All  the necessary supplies (pens, paper, glue, and  scissors) should be available at your homework area  just like at school or a home office. Discuss with  your child expectations for homework. It depends  on your child whether homework should be done right  after school or after some play time. Just make  it clear from the start that school doesn’t end  at the final bell. It must continue at home. By  setting some standards for homework with the right  supplies, space, and time frame, you give the  message that you value this part of their school  work.
  6. Check in with your child about his/her friends.  Children feel more comfortable in school if they  have a good group of friends. Conversely, children  have a harder time with school if they are lonely  or picked on. Bullying happens frequently in  schools. If you are worried about this with  your child, check in with their teacher and if  necessary, school officials. These issues need to  be addressed at every school and parents shouldn’t  handle it themselves.

We cannot take away the dread of the first day back to  school for our kids. But what we can do is be open about  realistic expectations and set up a structure for them  to achieve. Focusing on this can help our children feel  confident and ready for the new year’s challenges.

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Avoiding The Blame Game

Who broke this plate? “I didn’t…. neither did I…. I didn’t either…. From now on all kids can use plastic plates only. You  people can’t be responsible for grown up plates. You always break them. Now all of you can clean up the kitchen!” But I  didn’t do it…neither did I…. Elena did it she just won’t admit it…” These kinds of scenes are commonplace in households. Does  finding blame and placing blame really help households?

Frequent blaming causes defensive denial. It creates a  house full of fear. It fosters household comments based on  criticism. Children operating in fear hide things and keep  secrets. There is a better way but parents have to work at it.

Parents can succeed in avoiding the blame game by following  a set of rules. First, be clear with your expectations. “I  want these ceramic plates kept safe. If you can’t handle them  please use the plastic plates.” Then correct witnessed  incorrect behaviors. “Dana, you just broke that plate. It is a  little heavy for you. Let’s put these plastic plates at your  level so you can use them.” Don’t battle denials and be firm in  your expectations. “I didn’t break it somebody else did it.”  “I don’t care who broke it, I just want you to use the plastic  plates from now on.”

There are other rules for parents who are avoiding the  blame game. Don’t berate your kids into admitting guilt. It is  hard for kids to admit guilt and berating them belittles their  egos unnecessarily. Stay calm. Believe in your expectations.  And work with consequences when expectations are not met. “Mom,  how come we don’t get those freeze pops anymore?” “Too Many  wrappers were left around the house, so I am not buying them  anymore.”

In looking for blame and fault we condemn our children to a  life of continually being in the hot seat – continually on the  defensive. By using clear expectations our kids grow up  learning the proper boundaries of good behavior without shame  and guilt, which hide children’s personalities and potential.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen

A True Drug Prevention Program Begins At Home

The perils of drug use are taught in schools across the  country. DARE programs continue to be well funded in school.  Most kids I talk to at age 12 say alcohol & drugs are stupid and  that they will never use them. Yet our kids are still using  alcohol and drugs by 18 in numbers that distress families,  police, teachers and pediatricians. Experimentation is even  more common then chronic drug use. As our kids grow, alcohol  and drug use becomes the biggest fear for parents. The key  question is what is the common denominator for those who stay  off drugs.

There are many factors that contribute to drug prevention  in our teenagers. Knowledge of drugs and the toll they take is  only one factor, perhaps the smallest one. Kids are getting  that kind of education. But it is certainly not enough.

Knowledge of family history is another factor that families  tend not to talk about. Addictive behaviors to drugs and  alcohol are strongly inherited. Even though kids may not need  to know their parents experimentation history, (what we did in  college is irrelevant to today’s alcohol and drug environment  for many reasons), kids do need to know how many family members  are afflicted with alcohol and drug problems. If you have  breast cancer in the family, your daughter needs to know that.  If you have alcoholism in the family, all your kids need to know  that.

How we provide examples for partying is another factor. A  cavalier attitude to your own alcohol or drug use is a direct  permission slip to teens to try it out themselves. If you are  responsible to yourself, your body and to others who drink at  your house, your kids are more likely to mimic that behavior  over time. This is why there is less alcoholism in Italy where  the family dinner with a glass of wine is the norm for drinking  versus the U.S., England, and Australia where partying during  sport events are the norm.

Stress and pressure is another factor. This cannot always  be controlled especially in our society. It is just important  to note that stressful family times may result in greater  experimentation. Healthy outlets for stress are important to  cultivate so that kids learn that a good workout is better then  tying one on.

Even after covering all that, parents need to recognize  that the greatest factor in teens drug and alcohol use is their  perceived value of themselves. I am not talking just about ego  or pride. There are plenty of football stars, class presidents,  and cheerleader captains who crash and burn over drugs. Many  big drinkers have big egos. I am talking more of a sense of  true value. How is your teen valued by others? How much does  your teen feel valued and loved by you? I feel this is the key  factor in drug prevention.

Remember when your kids were two and you saved their lives  several times a day. You kept them from running in the street  or falling off the slide. You didn’t allow them to bike ride  around the block or separate too far from you in the  supermarket. You did this because you valued them. Well, teen  years are not the time to stop. Parents often say, “I love you”  in negative ways – by limiting freedom to keep our kids safe.  As we parent teens, we need to continue to set limits to keep  them safe. Supervision is important to prevent alcohol and drug  use. We must say “no” to underage drinking and unsupervised  parties. The key factor however, is to let them know why we  limit their freedom. We value and love them. We care about  their safety. Because we care and always will, it is the nature  of being a parent.

Yes, we need to educate our kids about drugs. Tell them  our family history. Be a good example. But we also need to  stay involved. We shouldn’t be overly reactive. We need to  respect their need for more freedom. Value them for who they  are and what they do. Respect their interests and acknowledge  their accomplishments. Be there to supervise and prevent their  experimentation as long as you can because you love them and you  care.

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

4 Kindnesses Everyday

Families need to teach values. I am not talking the “family values” that politicians speak about but don’t carry out  themselves. I am talking about values that families show by how  they live. How we carry ourselves and act in our daily life  demonstrates the true values we have. If you aren’t showing  enough value in your life, this is a call to action. We teach  values by how we live so I have a suggestion for families.

Imagine if all family members tried to reach a goal of four  kindnesses a day. I believe we would make great changes in our  culture if all families strived for this. Our culture pushes  self-centered individualism. Events in our world necessitate a  change in this attitude in America. We can change this attitude  just by changing actions in our homes.

So let’s talk about the four kindnesses. We can start with  ourselves. We can start each day with a kindness to ourselves.  I don’t want to foster more self-centeredness. But I do think  it is important to do something positive for oneself everyday.  Do something healthy. Ten minutes more exercise. Eat an extra  piece of fruit. Don’t spoil yourself in a negative way. But  show yourself some kindness. By showing our kids respect for  self we teach them that we value our bodies and souls.

The second kindness gets us out of oneself but stays in the  family. Do an act of kindness for a family member. This does  not mean you need to be cruel to other family members. “I can  only be kind to one family member today and today isn’t your day  so get outta my face.” This is not the right spirit. Our  kindness theme should spread and not be limited. But for  starters, do something kind for a sibling, your mother, your  daughter, son or husband. They don’t even have to know it.  Perhaps they don’t see it or acknowledge it. But you know you  did something nice.

Next, move outside the family. Complement a friend. Talk  to the cashier at the supermarket. Somehow, someway brighten  the day of someone you see. Again, don’t look for appreciation  or acknowledgement. Just do it. People might think you’re  crazy. But my hope is we all turn crazy in this way. Finally, do something positive for the world community.  Walk more, drive less. Pick up some litter. Donate some  clothes. Write a letter to an orphan in a third world country.  (Check out www.NPHHonduras.org) Support a process of change in  politics. Join a campaign!

I wish the world were better. And so do you. And this  will help. Four kindnesses a day – self, family, neighbor,  world. Imagine. We can all do this. It really isn’t asking a  lot. Spread the word. Clip this article and send it along.  Copy it for everyone at work. I promise some extra smiles and  more joy in your life. Start today! (By the way, what do you  think your kids will learn from this?)