Who broke this plate? “I didn’t…. neither did I…. I didn’t either…. From now on all kids can use plastic plates only. You  people can’t be responsible for grown up plates. You always break them. Now all of you can clean up the kitchen!” But I  didn’t do it…neither did I…. Elena did it she just won’t admit it…” These kinds of scenes are commonplace in households. Does  finding blame and placing blame really help households?

Frequent blaming causes defensive denial. It creates a  house full of fear. It fosters household comments based on  criticism. Children operating in fear hide things and keep  secrets. There is a better way but parents have to work at it.

Parents can succeed in avoiding the blame game by following  a set of rules. First, be clear with your expectations. “I  want these ceramic plates kept safe. If you can’t handle them  please use the plastic plates.” Then correct witnessed  incorrect behaviors. “Dana, you just broke that plate. It is a  little heavy for you. Let’s put these plastic plates at your  level so you can use them.” Don’t battle denials and be firm in  your expectations. “I didn’t break it somebody else did it.”  “I don’t care who broke it, I just want you to use the plastic  plates from now on.”

There are other rules for parents who are avoiding the  blame game. Don’t berate your kids into admitting guilt. It is  hard for kids to admit guilt and berating them belittles their  egos unnecessarily. Stay calm. Believe in your expectations.  And work with consequences when expectations are not met. “Mom,  how come we don’t get those freeze pops anymore?” “Too Many  wrappers were left around the house, so I am not buying them  anymore.”

In looking for blame and fault we condemn our children to a  life of continually being in the hot seat – continually on the  defensive. By using clear expectations our kids grow up  learning the proper boundaries of good behavior without shame  and guilt, which hide children’s personalities and potential.