Who broke this plate? “I didn’t…. neither did I…. I didn’t either…. From now on all kids can use plastic plates only. You people can’t be responsible for grown up plates. You always break them. Now all of you can clean up the kitchen!” But I didn’t do it…neither did I…. Elena did it she just won’t admit it…” These kinds of scenes are commonplace in households. Does finding blame and placing blame really help households?
Frequent blaming causes defensive denial. It creates a house full of fear. It fosters household comments based on criticism. Children operating in fear hide things and keep secrets. There is a better way but parents have to work at it.
Parents can succeed in avoiding the blame game by following a set of rules. First, be clear with your expectations. “I want these ceramic plates kept safe. If you can’t handle them please use the plastic plates.” Then correct witnessed incorrect behaviors. “Dana, you just broke that plate. It is a little heavy for you. Let’s put these plastic plates at your level so you can use them.” Don’t battle denials and be firm in your expectations. “I didn’t break it somebody else did it.” “I don’t care who broke it, I just want you to use the plastic plates from now on.”
There are other rules for parents who are avoiding the blame game. Don’t berate your kids into admitting guilt. It is hard for kids to admit guilt and berating them belittles their egos unnecessarily. Stay calm. Believe in your expectations. And work with consequences when expectations are not met. “Mom, how come we don’t get those freeze pops anymore?” “Too Many wrappers were left around the house, so I am not buying them anymore.”
In looking for blame and fault we condemn our children to a life of continually being in the hot seat – continually on the defensive. By using clear expectations our kids grow up learning the proper boundaries of good behavior without shame and guilt, which hide children’s personalities and potential.