Category Archives: Behavior

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Empowering Our Kids To Succeed

Our children naturally express uncertainty in  themselves at various times during their childhood. We see  this when a kindergarten child appears worried in the first  few days of school or when a child is hesitant in their  first swim class. We may even see it in our “A” students  who come up with bellyaches. The immediate response from  most parents is to express sincere concern. Naturally, we  don’t want our children to be unhappy at school or afraid  to swim or fear failure. This can set up an interesting  dynamic between parent and child. By expressing  uncertainty, a child actually is asking a question to their  parents. Their uncertainty is natural and as parents we  should expect our children to express uncertainty in  themselves in new and old experiences. What they are  really doing is asking the parent, “Should I be worried?”  In a majority of cases there isn’t a cause for concern.  Kindergartens are safe and nurturing. Swim programs know  how to bring kids along at their pace; and “A” students  usually don’t flunk. It is interesting that in the dynamic  between child and parent, our reaction to our children’s  concern may actually decrease their success. If our child  is asking, “Should I be concerned?” and a parent expresses  undue worry, then the child may see the parent giving  credit to their uncertainty. The child may then become  more concerned instead of more relaxed. If we don’t  respond to their uncertainty by giving it too much  credence, we can actually empower our children to succeed  over their natural uncertainty. So how can parents face  these normal, natural, and common expressions of  uncertainty that come from our children?

First, you should always express confidence in your  children’s ability to face typical childhood challenges  such as new school years, camps and basic lessons. They  need to meet these challenges and few are hurt in the  trying.

Over time parents need to make a realistic assessment  of their child’s skills. It is not helpful for a father to  be pushing a child through baseball even though the child  keeps getting hit in the head trying to catch a ball.  There is an activity for everyone but finding one that  truly fits your child’s skills is the real trick of  parenting.

Expect them to succeed in their skilled areas. Have  faith in them once they have demonstrated skill and  interest.

Be clear on your expectations. Uphold the value in  always trying your best and always reward good efforts!

We should expect uncertainty from our children even in  areas that they are skilled in. Remember, even straight  “A” students experience uncertainty in their ability to  maintain good grades.

Don’t be overly sympathetic to feelings of  uncertainty, but express confidence and encourage their  effort.

Have faith that other adults who act as surrogates for  you will tell you if your child’s concerns are valid.  Engage them in dialogue on the side and get an objective  look at the situation. If they do not have any concerns,  both adults can work together to encourage your child to  succeed.

We have opportunities to empower our kids to succeed  when they, as children, naturally question their own  abilities. In fact, they are looking to simply see whether  we have faith in them. When they feel our faith, they  succeed.

Behavior, Diseases and Conditions, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Dispelling Some Of The ADHD Myths

Over the last twenty years there has been a dramatic rise in the number of children with Attention Deficit  Hyperactivity Disorder. Along with the rise in ADHD there  has been a rise in the number of myths related to this  common issue. To dispel some of these myths I interviewed  Mark Konecky, a clinical psychologist from Gloucester who  specializes in treating adults, children, and families.  Here is what he had to say about ADHD today.

  1. What has changed in regards to ADHD in the last 10-15  years?
    Since I began my clinical practice, the general public  as well as teachers have become much more sensitive  to children with attention problems and problems  controlling their impulses. I’m much more likely to  have parents come to me asking about whether their  child has ADHD or not than when I began practicing  and parents needed more education on this diagnosis.  I also think there are better and more sensitive  medications available now. The new medications help  more clients (adults and children) and seem relatively  safe, even for children.
  2. What myths about ADHD would you want to dispel for  parents? Having ADHD does not mean that a person cannot  pay attention. It means they have trouble paying  attention in a sustained way to tasks and activities  that are not intrinsically exciting to them. Many  times, academic subjects, especially as they are  presented in American schools, are not intrinsically  interesting to children. People with ADHD are just as  intelligent as people who do not have ADHD. People  with a diagnosis of ADHD can do just as well as people  without this diagnosis. All children have to work  hard to pay attention in school. ADHD children must  work extra hard. People with ADHD have a hard time  directing their attention, especially when in settings  with lots of extraneous stimuli, like a classroom. If  we had the money as a society to provide one-to-one  education to all children with ADHD, we would need far  fewer medication interventions, because children with  ADHD can pay attention if they are highly motivated  and given constant coaching. Children with ADHD  can master academic subjects and succeed in school.  However, they usually need teaching and learning  modifications and almost always need medication to  perform to their full academic potential.
  3. Does therapy help? Psychological therapy does help people with ADHD.  We can provide strategies for coping with attention  problems, and we work with people to improve their  self-esteem, which is often damaged from years of not  doing as well as they themselves know they can do. We  can design behavioral interventions aimed at helping  people with ADHD alter their environment to improve  their ability to attend to details and decrease their  impulsiveness. ADHD is a very treatable problem,  and, many times, children require less medication  and sometimes might even stop their medication, once  they’ve internalized systematic coping strategies for  ADHD.
  4. What accounts for the rise of ADHD cases in the US? This is a hard question. We never know what comes  first, the chicken or the egg. Are we better at  diagnosing ADHD and therefore finding more true cases  of it, or is there actually more ADHD out there. If  I had to choose, I’d say both are true, that is,  there is more ADHD, and we’re better at picking up  on it. Why is there more ADHD? Unquestionably for  me, our culture’s frenetic, fragmented pace, our  over stimulation, our reliance on electronics relates  to the increase in ADHD cases. ADHD symptoms are  actually adaptive in the larger culture. If you’re  stimulated rather than overwhelmed by fast paced,  multi-sensory input information, as people with ADHD  often are, then you’re in better shape to manage the  vast amount of information that flies at the average  person every day.
  5. How can parents make their homes more ADHD “friendly”,  that is, how can parents alter their home environments in  therapeutic ways for children with ADHD? Parents mush change many aspects of the home  environment to help children with ADHD. When families  come to treatment with me, or other mental health  professionals, we’ll do a great deal of work around  altering environmental conditions to help children  cope with their attention and impulse problems. Our  goal is to help children learn many ways of coping  with their problem so that either their problem sets  are neutralized because they are so manageable or  their problem is completely resolved – the child has  “grown out” of their symptoms. One of the main ways  that parents can make their homes more therapeutic  is for parents to help children limit the amount of  electronic stimulation they receive.
  6. What should parents do if they think their child as  ADHD? It is essential to have an accurate diagnosis before  beginning any treatment. Parents should contact their  pediatrician who can refer their child for appropriate  evaluation by a mental health professional. Or they may  contact a mental health professional directly. Many  times, symptoms that people think are signs of ADHD are  actually indications of other problems. Mental health  professionals like psychologists, social workers, licensed  mental health counselors, and psychiatrists are trained to  make these kinds of diagnostic distinctions when working  with pediatricians, school personnel, and parents.
Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen, Values and Morals

Discussions Over Sex (Parenting Your Teen Part IV)

Perhaps the hardest part of parenting teens is discussing sexuality issues. Traditionally it is thought that parents  should have one “birds and bees” discussion with their teenager.

Forget “the talk”. There are many opportunities today to  discuss sex and your ethics about sexual issues. We have a  plethora of sexual exposures. We have news about sex and its results – pregnancy. Do I need to mention any stars who are or  were pregnant? Every movie portrays sex. Do you discuss this  with your kids? Many movies portray sex scenes without thought  of protection or safety. Do you mention your opinions on that?

Many media outlets portray sex too casually. Do you talk  about sex with intimacy to your kids?

There really is no excuse. We actually have a bombardment  of sex on TV, movies, and magazines. We must take opportunities  to tell kids quickly and freely how we feel about what we are  seeing. This is how kids learn about our sexual morals.

Sexuality is a personal choice that kids hide for a long  time. They need to develop their own feelings about sex and we,  as parents, need to respect their process of sexuality  development. Parents also should respect the options each  person has for sexual decisions and preferences. However,  discussions about safety, waiting, consequences and dangers of  sex should be open game from early adolescence on.

Our media, TV and movies provide us ample opportunity for  short bursts of discussions about consequences and safety. Take  those opportunities. Feel comfortable. Relax. You know the  issues. They do not. Throw out thoughts and opinions matter of  factly. This openness will serve you well over time. Imagine  if all kids heard messages from their parents consistently  through teen years about waiting as long as possible, being safe  when you start having sex, using protection, being respectful to  your partner, and being aware of the consequences and dangers.  The result of these messages heard from home is a population of  teens who initiate sex later, have fewer partners, and have  fewer pregnancies. What group of parents wouldn’t want that?

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Disciplining Without Waffling

Your three year old hits his younger brother. You remove him from the room expressing anger and leave him in  “time-out”. Then you feel bad. He is crying and that  pulls on your heart. You begin to wonder. Am I being too  hard on him?

Perhaps you have a teenager who wants to go to a  concert with friends. You don’t feel that it is safe – so  you say “no”. She gets angry and yells about how unfair  you are. She finishes her tantrum by screaming “I hate  you!” to your face. After she stalks off to sulk you  wonder whether you should let her go to the concert after all.

Is it unusual for parents to feel ambivalent in  disciplining their children? Absolutely!! All parents  second guess themselves. We wonder whether we are being  fair or not.  Are we being mean? Is it ok to make them cry?

A long time ago, my first pediatrician for my children  said that “Children walk all over parents that waffle…  don’t waffle!” Nothing could be more true.

There is a process that needs to occur in correcting  our children. First we have to make a decision. If they  are wrong, they need to know it and live with your  correction. (No they cannot hit and get away with it.  They cannot go to a concert that is unsafe.) Once you make  your decision you should not go back on it. With a  teenager there may be more information to obtain before you  make a decision. (Is a parent going to chaperone?) But  even with a teenager if you have been provided with all the  information and still say no, you cannot go back on your  decision.

The second part of the process is much harder.  Whenever you make a decision against a child you will get a  negative reaction. They will never say “ok Mom that’s  fine”. Their reaction involves their emotions of  disappointment, resentment or jealousy. They need to learn  these emotions and how to deal with them. Our decisions  teach them how to deal with these emotions.  While they are dealing negatively to our decision,  don’t let their emotions play on yours. This is what  causes us to feel ambivalent in disciplining or limiting  our children. It is ok for us to let them have their  emotion over our decision and not do anything about it.  Let them deal with it.

At the same time we must recognize that our torn  feelings are normal. We must learn to deal with them  without feeling we need to make something up to our child  for our decision. Parents have a right to make decisions  for our children in correcting and limiting them when it is  needed. We need not succumb to feelings of ambivalence.  We should not change our mind, due to our children’s  reactions. And we need to feel confident that our  discipline is an important learning experience for our kids  – experiences kids cannot do without.

Baby, Behavior, Family, Infant, Parenting Tips

Dealing With The Crying Baby

I remember the experience as if it was yesterday. I remember having my son in my arms and trying everything to soothe him. I had my magical answers and my wife had hers. Sometimes a bouncy walk with him on my shoulder would work. Sometimes my wife would use a rocking chair and have him across her lap. And many times we would just keep switching off trying new tricks until he finally tired himself out. This was almost seventeen years ago when my wife and I had a very fussy, colicky baby. It was then that I learned how stressful a crying baby can be. The experience has stayed with me and has given me extreme sympathy to parents of crying babies. It also gave me a professional curiosity about what causes some babies to be such tenacious criers.

During the time of my son’s colic I read many theories on “crybabies”. Most people believe that the crying has to do with gas, diet and their abdominal distension. Others believe it is due to over stimulation and fatigue and the crying itself makes children “gassy”. Still others believed that it was due to an inability to ease into sleep – an ability that becomes easier with some brain maturity. All these theories have some merit. But none of them provide the answer to every crying baby.

Much of the advice that people give about handling crying infants stem from these theories. Many mothers are told to change the baby’s diet in one way or another. This goes along with the theory that the formula or breast milk is causing the baby to be gassy and the gas is causing the discomfort. Others receive advice to put their baby down since the constant contact with the parents is contributing to “spoiling” or “over stimulating” the baby. Most of this kind of advice comes from beliefs without truths behind the beliefs.

So what do we really know about crying babies. We know that babies cry 2­6 hours total in a day and that some are worse than others. About 10% of babies cry more than other babies (probably at the 6 hour end of the range). All babies cry more at six weeks of age than in the first few weeks but then settle down again by three to four months of age. A few babies will have their fussiness decrease with diet changes. Most will not. All babies have gas. Only some seem to be bothered by the gas. And all babies strain when having bowel movements.

So with this information how should families handle a crying infant?

  1. Recognize that it is a phase and no matter what you do your baby will be calmer by three to four months of age.
  2. Take everyone’s advice but see what works for you.
  3. The crying baby is a natural phenomenon and is no one’s fault.
  4. You may want to try a formula change if you are bottle feeding or a change in your diet (i.e. stop milk products) if you are breast feeding.
  5. Baby experts recommend spoiling of all babies for at least three months. Before that age it is too young to let your baby cry for long by themselves. Short periods alone are okay.
  6. It is okay to take a break from a fussy crying baby. Get some tea, go for a walk or take a shower. Taking care of a crying baby is stressful and parents do need to get breaks.
  7. The more hands around to hold a baby the better. It is good to have people to help you care for a crying baby. It is definitely worthwhile having support for this difficult problem.
  8. Cry babies do become happy babies over time. Support your baby through this time. Support their gassy bellies. Provide them warmth. Rock and swaddle them. And rest assured the baby you have been waiting for will come to you with plenty of smiles – by four months of age.
  9. If you have any doubts about your child’s health in the midst of all the crying, by all means, see your pediatrician. Pediatricians are familiar with fussy babies and can help families be assured that their child is just colicky and isn’t sick.
  10. Remember, that just because you have a crybaby, it doesn’t mean you are a bad parent. And it doesn’t mean you don’t know what you are doing. Nobody knows exactly why we have colicky babies. But one thing is for sure; they are a natural phenomenon and exist in many cultures and economic levels. Crybabies just happen. But with time and your support they can get through this rough start to their new life.
Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Conflict Resolution For Children

Your kids are settled into play with Legos. Everything is peaceful. You think it may be time to sneak away to grab a cup  of coffee and read some of the morning paper. Before you take  your first sip you hear it start:

“I had it first!”

“Well, it’s mine!”

Then all hell breaks loose. Before you reach the scene,  Legos are thrown and your two children are in a rumble. Why is  it that kids can’t get along for five minutes? Why are they  always in conflict?

It’s natural for parents to want a peaceful home. Part of  that expectation includes having our children acting peacefully  toward each other. But this is just an unreasonable expectation  because there will be conflict. But there is a better way to  approach it, and I say this based on personal experience. I  want a peaceful one, too. I remember trying to extinguish any  conflict and wondering why it didn’t work. I found myself  waiting for the conflict and ready to pounce when it started.  What I created was an environment where conflict was expected  and my kids expected me to work things out for them. Over time,  I have figured out a new approach that works better for everyone.

What I learned was that it was natural for children in a  family to have conflict. Just by the nature of being siblings,  they are in competition with each other. At the very least,  they will compete for their parents’ attention. Because of that  competition, they will naturally try to bring you into their  conflicts to see who wins your approval and who loses.

However, this is one arena where we should avoid giving our  children attention. In effect, they want us involved in their  conflict, but we need to work at staying out of it. Here’s how:

  1. Expect conflict. Siblings will get into battles. If we  work to keep them out of conflict altogether, we teach them  nothing about solving conflict and we remain in a role as  “warden.”
  2. Set up rules for their battles. Kids can learn to settle  their battles over time if given the right guidelines. For  starters, tell them there will be no hitting, no biting,  and no throwing things at people and to use inside voices.  Add your own rules and let kids add some, too. Post them  on the refrigerator so they are known to all.
  3. You get involved only when rules are broke. When you  intercede, only refer to the rule that was broken. Don’t  get involved with the content of the battle. “Well, he  took my Lego and threw it. Then he…” You’ll never get the  real story.
  4. Never take sides. Parents tend to side with the younger  child. The younger child can learn this and use it to  provoke a fight to get their way. It will make more sense  and be a lot easier if you break up fights based on the  rules of engagement you have posted on your refrigerator.
  5. When rules are broken. Separate your children. Remove them  or remove the toys. Neither child should “win” the object  of the fight.
  6. Be careful. Remember, they can be tricky in attempts to  get you involved in the conflict. “But he hurt my toe, see  it’s bleeding” (there’s no visible blood). Unless someone  is truly visibly hurt, don’t buy into it.
  7. If you witness a crime, deal with the offender. If one  child does hit another while you happen to pass by, you  need to punish what you saw. All the other rules listed  above are in effect particularly for events you don’t  witness.

Following the above guidelines will help you begin a new  life free of owning your children’s conflict.

Eventually, your children will learn conflict resolution if  they have any desire to play with each other, which most kids  do. Instead of protecting a younger child, monitoring  playtime and being a referee, you will be the keeper of the  refrigerator rules. It will remove you from the emotions of  the conflicts and allow your kids to learn to resolve things  on their own.

Just think, you may be on your way to a more peaceful home.

Behavior, Diseases and Conditions, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen

Confidentiality is Essential for Teen Health Care

Teen years are certainly uncomfortable times for parents. One  very uncomfortable time in parenting your teen is when you  are asked to leave the exam room so that the doctor or nurse  practitioner can talk to your child “privately”. What will your  child and the clinician talk about? Will they talk about you?  Will they tell you afterwards? Is this really necessary? After  all, your daughter and you have a very “open” relationship!!

Step back for a minute and think about your teen for a moment.  As hard as it is to be a parent of a teen, think how hard it  is to be a teenager today. Does TV and the news media give  teens good models to follow? Do movies provide good morals to  follow? Of course your parenting and your modeling of behavior  may be stellar. But can you trust that your child has not been  influenced otherwise? Could there be an advantage for your teen  to have a confidential relationship with a trusted adult? The  answer is yes!

Having a professional clinician have private time with your  child provides a moment for your teen to be free to express  their concerns. I have had hundreds of experiences in the office where a mother tells me how “good” her daughter is  and then her daughter tells me privately about her sexual  activity. No, mothers do not always know! In these experiences  I am able to help the teen confidentially get protection from  STD’s and pregnancy. (Few people realize that all methods of  contraception – birth control pills, Depo-Provera shots, nova  rings, diaphragms, IUD’s etc. are safer medically for teens than  pregnancy. Teen pregnancy has many health risks.)

Without confidential care, teens are on their own. Condoms and  other over the counter birth control may be used, if they buy them! STD’s go uncared for and give greater health problems over time. And the risk of pregnancy grows higher than when teens have access to a confidential visit with a clinician.

Parents should encourage their teens to have a private time  with their doctor or nurse practitioner. If your doctor doesn’t offer a confidential time – ask for it. If you have a  doctor that won’t offer confidential care for your teen, change  doctors. If your town has a school clinic, encourage your child  to go there to have a relationship with the clinician for when  his or her need arises.

Communities need to be open to having Department of Public  Health clinics and other health clinics provide teenagers access  to confidential care. Clinicians who are afraid to see teens  privately, shouldn’t see teenagers. Clinicians also need to  be educated in the Mature Minor laws that allow them to treat  teenagers without parental consent.

Nationally, teen pregnancy rates are on the decline. However,  there are communities north of Boston such as Gloucester  and Lawrence that have an increasing rate of teen pregnancy.  Parents and clinicians and clinics need to be aware of this  problem in these areas. School committees should be open to  their school clinics providing the full breadth of confidential  health care and treatment that teens need. Open access to  confidential health care for teens is perhaps the only way that  these local epidemics will disappear.

Teenage years are scary times for parents. Having a trusted  health care provider look out for your teen is one way to make  the pressures of teen years a little bit easier for you. After  all, you won’t have to be the only adult to worry and care for  your teen. Your clinician will too!

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Challenge Your Child

“Everyone tells me to get rid of the bottle but . . .” “He loves his pacifier so much I can’t bring myself to get rid of it.” “I’d love to move him to a bed but he loves his crib.” “I’m worried about how  she will do going to kindergarten next year – she’s so attached to me.” “I’m afraid she’ll be calling me  daily from her dorm room. She’s never been away from home for more than a week.” No matter what  the new challenge is, why do we fear it?

I hear these statements from parents almost daily. We fear making changes in our young kids’ routines. We fear steps they have to take in their lives whether it is the first day of kindergarten or first  week at college. We express concern about how our kids will react. We doubt whether they are ready.

I jokingly tell parents that we should be saving for our children’s future therapy as much as we  save for their college. The fact is we need to challenge our children. How else can they progress? In  fact, our kids rise to the occasion time and again.

It is easy for us to bow to excuses. “It isn’t fair to get rid of the pacifier. She’s not feeling  well.” “It’s not the right time of year to change beds.” “She’s too young to go to this new school.”  “She’s always too tired, too emotional, too…. Besides, she likes it the way it is now. Why change the  routine.” If we continued with all the excuses we would have thousands of eighteen year olds in cribs  and with pacifiers.

Do not fear change. For the sake of our children we, the parents, need to embrace change.  Don’t fear challenging your children. When children see parents with confidence and determination,  they sense and incorporate that confidence and determination. They sense our confidence and get over  their obstacle. They skip off to kindergarten while behind our facade we want them to need us. If they  sense confidence our kids adapt and move forward. They forget the pacifiers, enjoy their new beds,  gain friendships in kindergarten, and call home less in college. All of this occurs with less trepidation  and less challenge than we anticipate. Kids are resilient. They develop. They mature. They surprise  us and make a life for themselves. All of that can occur with the most important gift we can give our  kids – faith and confidence in them. Challenge your children and have faith. It is amazing what they  can do.

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Teen

Calming The Morning Chaos

Every school day is the same. Getting your kids off to school is torture. You dread it. You get up, put out a  breakfast and start waking the kids. As usual they won’t  get out of bed. You turn on the lights. They finally sit  on the edge of their beds in a groggy state and complain  about the clothes you picked out. They resist getting  dressed. You fight and yell to get them dressed. Running  behind schedule, breakfast is served late. Milk gets  spilled because one of the kids needed “to do it  themselves”. You clean up despite their tears and yours.  A mad dash to the car follows with a piece of toast in your  teeth and coffee thermos in your hand. The kids grumpily  get out of the car at school and inform you that they left  their homework at home. There has to be a better way.

Why are mornings so hard? What can make them easier?  Children by nature resist activities that put demands on  them. School by necessity fits this billing. To top off  the demands schools place on kids, we put demands on  children immediately upon awakening. It is one thing for  us to spend a morning facing down our child’s resistance to  chores but a whole different thing to face down their  resistance in the short time we have before school.  Parents have a consciousness for time. Children do not.  So as we face their resistance to our demands (getting  dressed, having breakfast, getting school lunch ready) and  their resistance to school, we get progressively stressed  over the time. Meanwhile they don’t care so much about the  time and seem to revel in the battles with us. No wonder  you have stress!

To fix your morning routine you can take some easy  steps – and one hard one. First, prepare what you can the  night before – put out choices of clothes, set the  breakfast table, make school lunches, get backpacks ready.  In the morning break the routine into stages – (1. get up  and dressed; 2 have breakfast; 3. gather things; and 4.  move to car). Give limited choices in each of the stages.  (You can wear the blue shirt or the green shirt; you can  have oatmeal or cheerios). No matter what happens you keep  moving into the next stage. (“You can keep working on  getting dressed but I’m moving onto breakfast.”) You may  have to set a timer for each stage. Once the timer goes  off you are moving on – whether they are ready or not. For  a couple of days they may be playing catch up but then they  will start keeping up.

The major step parents need to take is not engaging in  the battles they want to wage. Remember it is through  these battles that they control the mornings. If you don’t  engage they must move along – after all, the timer says so.

In the evenings, discuss the morning and what went  well and what went wrong. Don’t argue but make  suggestions. Remind them about your commitment to the  timer. Reassert that you are going to move along with or  without them fulfilling each stage of the morning. The  next morning do it again. Stay with it. Repeat this  mantra – “Don’t engage in battles in the morning. Don’t  engage in battles in the morning. Keep moving along.”  Surprisingly over a short time your mornings, though never  perfect, will be better.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

But Dad Let’s Me Get It

Your husband took the kids shopping the other day. You noticed when they got home that everyone got a little  treat from dad while shopping. Everyone came home happy. Now it is your day to have the kids with you shopping and  you decide that they should not get treats. The result is  a chorus from the kids, “Well, Dad let’s us get one!” At  this moment, your husband is lucky he is not in your vicinity!! Now you are left to question, how do you solve  this conflict? Is it okay for an individual parent to  treat their children differently than the other parent?  Shouldn’t both parents be “consistent” like the parenting  books say?

It doesn’t take long for many parents to recognize  that different styles of parenting work in different  situations. One parent may be better at getting kids to  bed. The other might be better at getting kids off to  school. Each parent is not going to handle specific  situations the same way. In a sense, it is just an  unrealistic expectation for parents to always be  “consistent” in their styles and approach. But, there are  circumstances where one parent might have to ask the other  parent to be consistent with their approach. Negotiating  those times when consistency is necessary is a critical  part of parenting.

When is it necessary for parents to be “consistent”?  Usually, consistency between parental approaches is  necessary when one parent’s approach is causing child  behavior difficulties for the other parent. So, in the  above shopping scenario, if the mother says “no” to a treat  and she gets troublesome behavior, then she should discuss  this with her husband. Perhaps a rule over treats at the  store should be established. Once the rules are set, both  parents have to be “consistent” in carrying out household  rules.

The trouble most families have is that a parent may  not want to accept that their approach caused a problem for  the other parent. It takes a little humility and  swallowing of pride to recognize that what we do causes  problems for our spouse. But if we can respect our  spouse’s judgment and be open to a discussion over rules,  we can provide a household with a unified leadership for  our children. Our kids learn that their parents work  together, communicate over problems, and enforce rules  together. Those lessons alone pay big dividends for our  children as they grow older.