Category Archives: Pre-Teen

Baby, Diseases and Conditions, Infant, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Teen, Toddler

No Need To Fear Vaccines

What a terrible injustice to vaccine makers, and to doctors and nurses who give vaccines. The injustice was that of Wakefield  and his associates when they published a report in 1998 that  linked MMR vaccines with autism. That created a worldwide  furor (yes worldwide through internet scuttlebutt) over the MMR  vaccine and autism. Why do I call it an injustice?

The little told story of this incendiary conclusion of Wakefield  and friends is that their conclusion was false. In 2006,  seven out of ten investigators retracted their support for  Wakefield’s conclusions. Furthermore it was revealed that  Wakefield was funded by lawyers who brought cases against  vaccine companies. This fact has lead Wakefield to court to  defend his falsification of his data. So in fact, there has  never been a verifiable research study supporting an autism-vaccine link. Yet, the rumors and bad mouthing of vaccines  continue.  Many medical groups from different countries have  looked at vaccine data and have concluded just the opposite –  that there is no link between vaccines and autism. There is no  link between MMR vaccine and autism and there is no link between  mercury in vaccines and autism. So why do people still fear  vaccines?

It is easy for a family with an autistic child to conclude that  the autism diagnoses coincided with the end of the primary  vaccine series. That is a coincidence of timing – but not cause  and effect. Yet this makes it easy to perpetuate the vaccine  fear that vaccines cause autism. They do not. There is no  reason to fear vaccines. In fact, there is good reason to fear  not being vaccinated.

In my twenty-five year career in pediatrics I have seen cases  of measles, mumps, meningitis, chicken pox and polio – all  preventable through vaccines. We see dramatically less of these  harmful illnesses through the vaccines we give. Pediatricians  use to do spinal taps weekly on babies looking for meningitis.  Now spinal taps are a rare medical procedure in pediatrics.   Some people think that we don’t need to give these vaccines  as often since these diseases are more rare. Nothing can be  further from the truth. Last year, measles and mumps swept  across part of our country from the Midwest to the Northeast.  Other bacteria that cause ear infections, pneumonias, and  meningitis are still alive and well. Whooping cough still  troubles communities. Even polio is not eliminated worldwide.  The risks of vaccines are minimal compared to one death caused  by one of these nasty illnesses.

If you are worried about vaccines, you need not be.   Nonetheless, talk to your doctor. Bring this article to him  or her. See if your doctor can verify the truths in this  article. The fact of the matter is this, the worldwide rumor  mongering about vaccines has been a great force to battle. We,  in medicine, have not been very good at battling the vaccine  naysayers. But the evidence is clear and more confident  conversations about the great benefits of vaccines have to  occur. In reality, there is little fear. Vaccines save  lives and your child is safer in this world when he or she is  vaccinated.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen, Values and Morals

It’s Not Fair

You say “no” to your eight year old. He has enough legos and he doesn’t need ones he has. Then you hear it. “It’s not  fair. Jimmy has that one. How come I can’t get it?” Now you  feel a little guilty. He’s right; his friend Jimmy does have  it. But your son has enough. Should you change your mind?

“It’s not fair.” What a phrase! How do kids learn to use  this? All parents have to realize that all kids use this phrase  to try to guilt their parents into giving them what they want.  All kids! It fascinates me how they learn to use it. Kids must  know that you care to please them. They know that. It becomes  a universal play children use to make you feel that you are not  pleasing them as much as every other parent is pleasing their  children. The follow up to “it’s not fair” is “everyone else  has it”. Do they really know that “everyone else has it” or  “gets it” or “is going to get it”? Of course not. But since  when does a child’s argument have to be factual.

Meanwhile, parents are overloaded. We work more hours. We  spend less time as a family. So many parents compensate by  getting things and giving in to their kids. No wonder kids  learn that “it’s not fair” plays into the parent’s guilt by  making parents feel like they are depriving them not only with  less time together but also with not getting them what everyone  else has.

However, there is a lesson that kids need to learn. Kids  need to know that life isn’t fair. It never is and never will  be. Nor should our kids expect it to be. Many young adults  today are suffering depression from the shock of trying to  sustain all that was handed to them when they were younger as  they enter the “real world” and have to earn things for  themselves. They are learning too late that life isn’t fair.

This doesn’t mean that we should purposely deprive  children. It does mean that we have to recognize this play of  “it’s not fair”. Children shouldn’t be teaching parents about  fairness. We should be teaching them. To start, we need to  face down this play by saying “You are right. It is not fair.  But you can’t always get something because you want it.”  (Editorial comment – The advertising campaign by a certain car  company, which says, “a strong want is a justifiable need” is  teaching a horrible lesson!)

Kids don’t have a good sense of fairness. They learn this  by having good rules that apply to all at home. They learn  fairness from what example we show. Do we treat others with  respect and fairness?

Alternatively, our kids also need to learn unfairness.  Unfairness that hurts people should be fought. This goes for  parents and children to fight injustice in our society on the  small scale and the large scale. But small bits of unfairness –  when a friend gets to go some place special and your child  doesn’t – or when their friend has something they don’t – your  child needs to learn that you can’t always get what you want.  This is really less about fairness and more about how children  learn about disappointment – an emotion they need to learn!

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Toddler

How Should We Handle a Crying Child?

Much attention has been given to handling a crying baby. But what about a crying child. I have heard people deal with crying children in inappropriate ways. I hear  phrases like “Stop your crying!” That phrase never helps. Other phrases are tossed around such as “If you don’t stop crying you’ll really get it!” Or finally I often hear, “Oh  just take it, you crybaby?”

When our children are babies we often have solutions  for crying. As children get older we become frustrated with our lack of control of our child’s cry. We can no  longer just feed, rock or console our child out of crying. Yet we want them to stop their crying. It is just human  nature to want crying to stop. But should our desire to  stop the crying govern our actions? Of course not. Everyone needs to realize the natural tendency to do, say  or give things to make crying stop. But we should refrain from doing those things. How should we respond to a crying  child?

First we must ask why the child is crying. Did they  miss out on getting something? Is there a disappointment they are facing? Were they physically hurt? Are they  angry? Emotionally hurt by a friend? We are the adults.  We can usually figure out why someone is crying. And if we  figure it out, we should explain that to the child so they  understand why they are crying.

Then we should put that reason for crying in  perspective. “Your hurt (pain) will go away. We all get  disappointed at times. Your friend hurt your feelings and  that is hard for anybody.” With this we can help with some  physical touch, pats on the back or hugs – whichever is  appropriate. By explaining the “Why” of the hurt and just  being there we have expressed understanding and empathy.  That is what a crying child needs.

The crying may not end after that but our job is not  to stop the crying. We need to squash that natural desire  to just get the crying over with! Many times we need to  let them cry. We should not excuse it. (Oh he’s just  tired). That dismisses any true emotion there is. We  should not reward it. (An ice cream will stop that crying.)

Baby, Diseases and Conditions, Family, Infant, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Teen, Toddler

Good News About Vaccines

For the past several years I have found myself on the defensive over a very fundamental treatment I provide as a pediatrician. I have been giving children vaccines according to the American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines for 22 years. But in recent years there has been a backlash against the very vaccines we use to prevent known serious illnesses. As a response to this backlash I built a file of articles that supported the use and defended against supposed side effects of the vaccines. In recent days there has been great news about vaccines to add to my file. The news is they are safe and do not cause autism.

In the late nineties two events stoked the fires of skepticism about vaccines. First, in 1998, a well known British medical journal, the Lancet, published a report based on work of thirteen prominent physicians stating that the MMR vaccine was associated with autism. A storm of controversy over the use of the MMR vaccine followed. The second event in the late nineties that caused a furor was the removal of thimerosal from vaccines. Thimerosal, a preservative used in vaccines, contains mercury. It has never been shown to be a health hazard. However, because of the potential for buildup of mercury in the body, it was prudent to remove thimerosal from vaccines. This was done on a voluntary basis by the manufacturers. Just that move caused speculation that vaccine manufacturers were hiding something. Further speculation followed that thimerosal was associated with autism – with no medical evidence proving it.

Through the early part of this decade, scientists and lay people have battled on both sides of the argument. Advocates for parents of autistic children questioned the MMR and thimerosal link while doctors and researchers tried to study the association. Now, within the past two months two news reports help clarify the reality.

First, in April, ten of the original thirteen investigators who published the link between the MMR vaccine and autism retracted their conclusions. It was revealed that the study, which was funded by lawyers who focus on vaccine damage cases, was markedly flawed. The original study that served as a basis for legal cases involving the MMR vaccine around the globe was biased. The lead investigators in the study are currently under legal investigation for conflict of interest.

A second story about vaccines came out in May 04. The Institute of Medicine released a report by its thirteen member panel saying that there was “little credible evidence that thimerosal was associated with autism“. Autism is a complex and difficult problem for parents and children. I know many autistic children and their families. There is still no clear explanation for autism. I wish there was. But at least we can learn some lessons from these two reports.

These two reports are of great value to physicians who promote vaccines for kids. The first report about the authors of the Lancet article takes the wind out of the sails of the MMR – autism relationship. It had been viewed with skepticism and was never supported by other research. But now to have the original authors retract their opinions makes the original article meaningless. Coupled with research disproving the MMR autism association we can now put this speculation to rest.

The thimerosal argument was piggybacked onto the MMR argument for those who wanted to link vaccines to autism. But with “no credible evidence” for such a link we can now be doubly reassured that vaccines have no connection with autism.

The general public never sees the illnesses we seek to prevent with vaccines. The illnesses are awful and often deadly. It is one of the miracles of medicine that we have vaccines for our children. Due to vaccines far fewer children need respirators, spinal taps, intravenous medicines, hospitalizations, ER visits, and intensive care unit treatments. We see far fewer cases of meningitis than we saw even 10 years ago. And in our lifetime – we will see polio eliminated worldwide because of vaccines.

So when I give immunizations to children these days, because of the recent news, I give them with renewed confidence that they are the most valuable preventative care treatments I give to children. I feel so lucky to have them. Now, I just hope more people can be reassured about their safety.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Getting Your Child to do Chores

Wouldn’t it be nice if one Saturday, you wake up and your kids say to you, “Mom, can we do chores today?” Then  as you sit happily sipping coffee and reading the newspaper your kids clean their rooms whistling while they work.  Even the bathrooms and mud hall get cleaned! This  obviously is a scene from a fantasy movie. It will never  happen in your home or mine.

It must be one of the most universally dreadful of all parenting jobs to try to get your kids to do chores. You  dread it. Kids resist and resent it. And after hours of pushing the issue, you end up doing most of it yourself.  There must be an easier way!

Well, there isn’t. (I should end the article here,  but I’ll add a few tips.) Children do need chores. They need to accept some responsibility for maintaining your home. Chores should be age appropriate for your children and should increase with age. Certainly write them down and post them on your ever expanding refrigerator billboard. But those are the basics we all know.

The biggest secret to getting chores done is that kids need us to do things for them. That gives us leverage to  have them do things for us. So, to get chores done, try these suggestions.

On chore day, stop serving your kids until the jobs are done. Respond to no requests, demands or inquiries. Stick to this. Keep on them about their chores but use  your presence rather then your voice. Accept less then perfect performance at the beginning but expect improvement over time. Teach them what you expect. Be persistent about having chores and getting them done. They will never like it. They will always grumble. Don’t grumble back.  Remember they are very uncomfortable with your silence.

If you can distance yourself from their grumbling,  persist in the chore demand, resist any of their requests  and pester them with your presence instead of your words, you might get a chore or two out of those lazy leeches you  call your children! If not, send them to my house and I’ll put them to work.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Getting Kids to Listen

“It’s time for dinner, Johnny. Come to the table. Johnny, it’s time to stop playing and come eat. Come eat  Johnny.

JOHN JOSEPH FANNING the third YOU GET TO THIS TABLE  RIGHT NOW !

Why don’t they listen the first time? Listening.  Hearing. Cooperating. How do we get kids to do these things? Why do they make us yell? Perhaps it’s because  they know they don’t have to listen until they get you to

So what are kids thinking? From their perspective, they are listening. They listen to your voice to  progressively increase in volume. They listen to your tone  get more strained. And then when you get to the most  strained voice and highest volume, they act. It appears to  me they know exactly what they are doing. As you are  trying to control them, they control you.

To get kids to listen they need to know that we mean it before we get to that loud strained voice. Perhaps we  should call once then go and touch them to be sure they heard. Then gauge whether they are willing to part with  what they are doing. Giving them some warning ahead of  time helps with this part. Then as you touch them, meet  their eyes and tell them again it is time to come. Then wait there a second. They hate parents to hover over them.

Of course not all listening problems are solved so quickly. Parents need to realize that kids don’t like  being ordered around like a disrespected employee. Nobody appreciates being treated like that. So we have to back up and think about how we talk to them. Do we yell a lot? Do  we order them around? Are we always telling them what do do and not letting them think for themselves. These actions will make children want to tune us out.

To help children listen better, keep your voice even. Use nonverbal cues like touch, meeting their eyes and  getting down to their level. Stop giving orders and commands. Give options instead. Sometimes just present the problem you are having and see if they can come up with a solution. The solution might not be what you exactly want but it might work as well.

Getting our kids “to listen” is a perennial problem  for parents. We always think of it as their problem with  hearing and cooperating. But if we turn this problem to be  ours then perhaps it is really at least in part a problem  of how we present ourselves and our daily concerns to our kids.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Toddler

Fixing Bad Habits

Those thumb suckers, and nail biters and nose pickers, and knuckle crackers,  what are we to do with our kids and their bad habits. As parents we often feel  responsible for our children’s behaviors. Because of this feeling of responsibility we try  to take charge of our kids annoying habits. Unfortunately they have control of their  fingers and nails and knuckles. So the more we try to control these habits, the worse they  often become.

Parents need to recognize that we are not responsible for our children’s behaviors.

The problem with bad habits like nail biting is that these behaviors or actions are  directed towards themselves – not toward others. You cannot separate your children  from themselves or separate their nose, mouth, or fingers from them. Although  sometimes you may want to! Yet these habits are annoying to watch. Many parents can’t help but yelling “Stop biting your nails! Don’t you see what you are doing to your fingers? Your nails are dirty. Keep them out of your mouth.” Yet the temptation for  them is always there as is our temptation to correct them.

Some parents try the toxic route – Tabasco on the thumb for thumb suckers for  example. And some parents try the hiding method such as using gloves or wraps over the  hands as if by hiding the extremity the child will forget they have nails to bite or fingers  to suck. But somehow kids work around these “fixes” so they don’t work.

What parents can do is equate these habits to other body care issues that demand  privacy. Nail care, nose care and thumb sucking all can be done in privacy. In fact, we can make this a family policy. All nail biting, thumb sucking, knuckle cracking, and nose picking need to be done in privacy! Making these privacy or bathroom issues, changes the battle over whether they can do their bad habit to where they can do it. That is  something we can enforce. Over correcting and giving undue attention to these habits  often increases them. Demanding privacy for them at least diminishes what you see of  these bad habits over time. And when it comes to habits, out of sight – out of mind is a win – win policy for home peace.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Ending The Argument

“Dad can I go to Dan’s house tonight?” “No, you know we’re  going to your sister’s concert tonight.” “Oh come on dad. You  know I hate those things. All my friends are going to Dan’s  house. Let me go, too?” “No, we think you should show support  for your sister. The whole family is going. And we already  decided this. You can go to Dan’s house anytime!” “This is  not fair! All my friends are going to Dan’s house and you  are making me go to this stupid concert. Can’t I go to Dan’s  instead?” “No, I said.” “You stink! You are the worst dad.  You are the only one not letting me go. You never let me do  what I want. You are so unfair.” “I let you go with your  friends all the time but this concert is important to your  sister.” “Well, it isn’t important to me. I want to go to  Dan’s house!” “Now you are sounding spoiled.” “I’m not spoiled  and I wouldn’t sound this way if you let me go this once.”  “This once – you are always over at Dan’s house.” “I haven’t  been there in three days. Besides, you are the only parent who  isn’t allowing their son to go. All my friends will be there.  Don’t be so unfair.” “No, you can’t go. I am not being unfair.  I give you a lot. I just think you are too spoiled.” “I’m not  spoiled. I just think you are the worst dad. You stink! I  hate you.” . . ..

How do arguments degenerate into name-calling? How can we,  parents, learn to get out of arguments quickly? How can we win?

  1.  Be sure of your decision. Before getting into an argument  with your child make sure you are willing to make your  “NO” answer stand. Children argue with us when we  are saying “no” to something they want. The time for  discussion is before your decision. But once you say “no”  it must stand. Get all the input and information you need  before you make your decision.
  2. In order to end an argument with your child, you must  recognize that you, the parent must end it. Your child  will never stop the argument. They will go on forever and  throw any name or any fault of yours into it. You must  plan on ending the argument. They will not.
  3. It is important to stay focused on the first subject of  the argument. (In this case, whether he can go to a  friend’s house.) Kids will confuse you by changing the  subject. Your child will have you arguing whether you are  fair or not, whether you stink or not, or whether you ever  let them do anything or not! If you keep replying to each  new accusation you will be arguing forever. Just keep  repeating your first answer “NO”.
  4. Don’t correct their rudeness or name-calling during your  argument. It only perpetuates the argument. “Don’t call  me names.” “Well, I wouldn’t be calling names if you let  me go to a friends house.”
  5. Don’t correct bad behavior during an argument or  immediately after or else you will get the same response  as above. “I wouldn’t go stomping around slamming doors  if you let me go to a friends house.”
  6. If they want to mope around after an argument, let them  mope. If you try to fix their mood, you will pay for it.  Let their mood fizzle away over time. By following these rules you will be called names and hear  slamming doors and see moods fizzle. But most importantly  you will see arguments ending with you on the winning side.  You can do it! Here’s to victorious parents now and in the  future.
Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Empowering Our Kids To Succeed

Our children naturally express uncertainty in  themselves at various times during their childhood. We see  this when a kindergarten child appears worried in the first  few days of school or when a child is hesitant in their  first swim class. We may even see it in our “A” students  who come up with bellyaches. The immediate response from  most parents is to express sincere concern. Naturally, we  don’t want our children to be unhappy at school or afraid  to swim or fear failure. This can set up an interesting  dynamic between parent and child. By expressing  uncertainty, a child actually is asking a question to their  parents. Their uncertainty is natural and as parents we  should expect our children to express uncertainty in  themselves in new and old experiences. What they are  really doing is asking the parent, “Should I be worried?”  In a majority of cases there isn’t a cause for concern.  Kindergartens are safe and nurturing. Swim programs know  how to bring kids along at their pace; and “A” students  usually don’t flunk. It is interesting that in the dynamic  between child and parent, our reaction to our children’s  concern may actually decrease their success. If our child  is asking, “Should I be concerned?” and a parent expresses  undue worry, then the child may see the parent giving  credit to their uncertainty. The child may then become  more concerned instead of more relaxed. If we don’t  respond to their uncertainty by giving it too much  credence, we can actually empower our children to succeed  over their natural uncertainty. So how can parents face  these normal, natural, and common expressions of  uncertainty that come from our children?

First, you should always express confidence in your  children’s ability to face typical childhood challenges  such as new school years, camps and basic lessons. They  need to meet these challenges and few are hurt in the  trying.

Over time parents need to make a realistic assessment  of their child’s skills. It is not helpful for a father to  be pushing a child through baseball even though the child  keeps getting hit in the head trying to catch a ball.  There is an activity for everyone but finding one that  truly fits your child’s skills is the real trick of  parenting.

Expect them to succeed in their skilled areas. Have  faith in them once they have demonstrated skill and  interest.

Be clear on your expectations. Uphold the value in  always trying your best and always reward good efforts!

We should expect uncertainty from our children even in  areas that they are skilled in. Remember, even straight  “A” students experience uncertainty in their ability to  maintain good grades.

Don’t be overly sympathetic to feelings of  uncertainty, but express confidence and encourage their  effort.

Have faith that other adults who act as surrogates for  you will tell you if your child’s concerns are valid.  Engage them in dialogue on the side and get an objective  look at the situation. If they do not have any concerns,  both adults can work together to encourage your child to  succeed.

We have opportunities to empower our kids to succeed  when they, as children, naturally question their own  abilities. In fact, they are looking to simply see whether  we have faith in them. When they feel our faith, they  succeed.

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Teen

Calming The Morning Chaos

Every school day is the same. Getting your kids off to school is torture. You dread it. You get up, put out a  breakfast and start waking the kids. As usual they won’t  get out of bed. You turn on the lights. They finally sit  on the edge of their beds in a groggy state and complain  about the clothes you picked out. They resist getting  dressed. You fight and yell to get them dressed. Running  behind schedule, breakfast is served late. Milk gets  spilled because one of the kids needed “to do it  themselves”. You clean up despite their tears and yours.  A mad dash to the car follows with a piece of toast in your  teeth and coffee thermos in your hand. The kids grumpily  get out of the car at school and inform you that they left  their homework at home. There has to be a better way.

Why are mornings so hard? What can make them easier?  Children by nature resist activities that put demands on  them. School by necessity fits this billing. To top off  the demands schools place on kids, we put demands on  children immediately upon awakening. It is one thing for  us to spend a morning facing down our child’s resistance to  chores but a whole different thing to face down their  resistance in the short time we have before school.  Parents have a consciousness for time. Children do not.  So as we face their resistance to our demands (getting  dressed, having breakfast, getting school lunch ready) and  their resistance to school, we get progressively stressed  over the time. Meanwhile they don’t care so much about the  time and seem to revel in the battles with us. No wonder  you have stress!

To fix your morning routine you can take some easy  steps – and one hard one. First, prepare what you can the  night before – put out choices of clothes, set the  breakfast table, make school lunches, get backpacks ready.  In the morning break the routine into stages – (1. get up  and dressed; 2 have breakfast; 3. gather things; and 4.  move to car). Give limited choices in each of the stages.  (You can wear the blue shirt or the green shirt; you can  have oatmeal or cheerios). No matter what happens you keep  moving into the next stage. (“You can keep working on  getting dressed but I’m moving onto breakfast.”) You may  have to set a timer for each stage. Once the timer goes  off you are moving on – whether they are ready or not. For  a couple of days they may be playing catch up but then they  will start keeping up.

The major step parents need to take is not engaging in  the battles they want to wage. Remember it is through  these battles that they control the mornings. If you don’t  engage they must move along – after all, the timer says so.

In the evenings, discuss the morning and what went  well and what went wrong. Don’t argue but make  suggestions. Remind them about your commitment to the  timer. Reassert that you are going to move along with or  without them fulfilling each stage of the morning. The  next morning do it again. Stay with it. Repeat this  mantra – “Don’t engage in battles in the morning. Don’t  engage in battles in the morning. Keep moving along.”  Surprisingly over a short time your mornings, though never  perfect, will be better.