Category Archives: Family

Baby, Family, Infant, Parenting Tips

The Parent’s Journey

Being a parent is such an incredible experience that it is hard to remember not being a parent even after only a  few weeks of being one. The responsibility is great. To  have a newborn so dependent on you is on the one hand very  gratifying and fulfilling and on the other hand very scary.

I came across a quote by Richard Carlson, the author  of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. Mr. Carlson says, “We are  given the opportunity to be responsible for children for a  relatively short period in their lives, to guide them until  they are ready to find themselves”.

This quote speaks of the dilemma parents face in  loving, caring, and protecting their child, at the same  time giving up control, letting them grow, and allowing  them to become themselves. How we do this over time is a  very personal part of parenting that cannot be taught. It  must be lived and experienced. Facing this conflict is one  all parents must do whether we get blind sided by it or  face it openly.

When we become parents we get lulled into the idea  that we control so much. We are satisfied by feeding our  child and hearing satisfied burps coming from him or her.  He falls asleep on our chest and we feel the awe of having  our child sense the security of our arms. It takes some  time, many months, for us to see a personality in our  child. Then we see our child’s desire to call some shots.  At some point we turn against our child’s will by saying  “No, I can’t let you do that”. We see the resistance the  child puts up when their will is crossed. We watch further  as we see their will develop into interests, and their  interests eventually into who they are. We help by  promoting their interests while continuing to say “No” to  some of their desires. We strive to balance discipline and  permissiveness. We recognize their skills, sometimes  before they do. Sometimes we don’t see it until long after  they have been using it. We worry. We have fears for them  that they don’t see and don’t want to hear about. We give  them attention; they take some control. We try to stay out  of some parenting traps and dig our way out when we fall  into them. We lift them up when they have fallen. We  recognize their emotional outbursts and help them through  them. We listen to their dreams, realistic and far-fetched. We acknowledge their successes (hopefully as  theirs and not ours) and we feel their pain in their  failures.

It doesn’t end. Parenting continues for life and  beyond. (Even if our child happens to die before we do, we  continue to think of them as our child). Without a doubt,  parenting is the hardest job we will ever have. Few of us  succeed at it without the support of others. It takes  faith in ourselves as parents. It takes faith in them as  individuals. We need to have courage to allow them the  space to become themselves. As Jack Kornberg says in his  book, The Art of Forgiveness, Loving, Kindness and Peace,  “Peace requires us to surrender our illusions of control.  We can love and care for others but we cannot possess our  children, lovers, family or friends. We can assist them,  pray for them, and wish them well, yet in the end their  happiness and suffering depend on their thoughts and  actions, not on our wishes.” And so it becomes very  important for parents to learn what we have control over  and what our children have responsibility for. That quest  defines the short term and long term aspects of each  parent’s journey.

Baby, Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Toddler

The Attention Control Game

It often seems that as I grow as a parent that I move from one trap to another. Things may be smooth for a while but then with one child or another I find myself involved with  a behavior that I don’t want but repeatedly seem to get into with my child. This behavior  might be something that only I get. Or when I bring it up to my spouse I may find that  she is dealing with it too. At some point I realize that this behavior is driving me crazy. I  realize my child knows “how to push my buttons” again. It could be tantrums, whining,  arguing, or other noxious behaviors that I don’t want. Yet, the more I respond to it the  more often I seem to yield that behavior from my child. How do I fall into these traps?

All parents fall into traps through what I call the “Attention – Control Game”. Other  parents tell me how their children know “how to push their buttons” too. Almost  all behaviors that “push our buttons” fall within this attention – control game. To  understand this game I divide children’s behaviors into four categories.

The first behavior category is one done just for attention. We all know how children seek  and need this vital resource. In fact it is important for children to get a lot of attention to  support the positive attributes they have. We need to give our children attention in order  to demonstrate their importance to us and to build their ego so they gain knowledge about  the good things they are able to do. Giving positive attention to our children is as vital a  role for us as it is a vital need for them.

The second category of behavior is one done just for control. These are behaviors that  kids do to control us or our response. It may be as simple as a long “please” and sappy  eyes just to get something at a store. But if it works to control us it provides them a  benefit beyond getting a candy. Kids need to have more control over time. They need  the sense of power to help support their budding egos. They need to know that they have  the power to control things for themselves in order to build confidence for encountering  the world outside our family.

A third set of behaviors that are important to children are ones that yield no attention or  control from a parent. Why are these important? These are self-sufficient behaviors.  These are things such as a child who spends hours on a drawing or a child who builds  with legos for a whole morning. These are behaviors that the child is drawn to from their  inner being. These flow from talents, skills, and areas of interest the child has and for a  large part doesn’t need the reinforcement that a parent’s attention can bring. We want  our children to discover these talents and skills. They need the opportunity to use them.  The self-fulfillment becomes reinforcement enough. And the child comes to value the  part of them that has that particular skill.

The last category of behavior is the one that traps us. All behavior that drives us crazy  falls into the category that gives the child attention and controls us. These behaviors are  often negative. They serve no logical use for the child. But regardless these negative  behaviors never change so long as the child gets attention for the behavior and controls  the parent’s response. It is this category that I emphasize whenever parents talk to me  about behaviors that are bothering them. Understanding this phenomenon of attention  and control is crucial in order to change our response and get out of negative behavior  traps.

Whether it is temper tantrums, refusal to go to bed, whining, or any other negative  behavior, if a parent can understand their response and how it reinforces the child’s  behavior, parents can then change their response and modify the child’s behavior  overtime.

In order to rid your house of negative behavior, three steps need to be taken.

1) The parent needs to ask how he (she) gives the behavior (such as temper  tantrums) attention.

2) The parent needs to understand how this behavior controls the parent’s  response. How does the behavior control you?

3) And finally the parent needs to make a conscious decision to control their  own reaction to a behavior and not give the child any attention for the negative  behavior.

If done correctly the parent can watch that behavior slowly disappear. And they will  be prepared for the next behavior that will drive them nuts when it inevitably appears.  Because our kids know how to push our buttons, it won’t be long before we fall into the  trap once again.

Community, Family, Parenting Tips

The Too Busy Family

The family dinner is on its way out. Families are too busy. They can’t seem to be in the same room together for too  long much less have a meal together. The commitments have  grown. Schools need volunteers. The sports need coaches and  supporters. Aging relatives need your help. Kids have too many  activities and desires. It is no wonder that families are too  stressed. How can we calm this spiral of family commitments?

This is a difficult question for families to answer. It is  hard to fight the pressures we face. To calm down our family  commitments it means that a parent needs to say “no” to  somebody. This, in turn, may lead to disappointment, anger or  guilt. But nonetheless it may be necessary if a family gains  some sanity in the process.

Many families have choices to make regarding their  commitments. Do kids really need to be on two baseball teams or  two hockey teams? Let your kids focus on one sport and one team  a season. In fact, one extracurricular activity per season may  be sufficient. If there is more than one in a season at least  have one activity limited to once a week. Our kids really don’t  need to be so scheduled.

Some families don’t have the luxury to sign their kids up  for activities to be overscheduled. Many families have two  working parents. Some have divorced parents trying to balance  custody arrangements along with work and school commitments.  Yet other families have single parents who balance work and home  schedules. What constitutes “over scheduling” may be very  specific to family makeup and family health. There cannot be a  “one size fits all” prescription for family activity. It is  important for all families to look at what they can do to  support everyone’s interests while balancing what is realistic  for the family to be committed to.

In light of this, parents need to recognize that there are  pressures for us to keep up with other families. If other  players are on two baseball teams, should your son play on a  second team as well? If your neighbor’s daughter is going to a  summer ballet program, should your daughter too? This pressure  continues through high school so much so that you can be made to  think that you are ruining your child’s chances for a good  college or even a good life if you do not keep up with other  families. Of course, this is not true. We do not have to keep  up with other families!

Families need to look at the calendar together. Discuss  what is necessary and fair. All members need to be involved in  the family schedule. Someone’s activity may have to be  sacrificed in favor of another’s. Sometimes a practice, game or  party may have to be missed for the sake of family sanity. This  is blasphemy in today’s family but should not be.

Coaches, teachers and parents need to chill out. Everyone  wants commitment to the team, the class or to the social group.  But with families committed to death, people need to recognize a  family’s excuse as a legitimate reason to miss a practice game  or event.

Families should rely on community supports without guilt.  We all need help from other parents, extended family or a hired  babysitter. Don’t let others make you feel bad if you cannot  always be at the game or volunteer for the class. Be there when  you can. Get support where you need it and let go of the guilt  that others put on you. We all need help and support. We can’t  do it all.

Something has to give with this helter skelter family life  that people are experiencing. We need renewed commitment to  time at home to relax with the family without a scheduled event.

Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

The Role Of Apologies In The Family

Your children get into a tussle. You see your three year old hit your two year old. You send him off for a  time in solitary confinement. After that you scold him  again and try to force an apology. He refuses and refuses.

It may sound obvious, but it needs to be understood  that we cannot berate someone into sorrow. We cannot  harass them to be contrite. It doesn’t work. This process  takes maturity. It is hard for adults to admit when they  are wrong. It is almost impossible for kids to admit they  are wrong. There is almost always an explanation (“he hit  me first” or “he grabbed that out of my hand”). A person  must be able to face that he is wrong before they can face  an apology.

The process of being wrong and acting contrite takes  three things. First, as mentioned above, one has to be  able to face that he or she is wrong. They have to be  sympathetic to the person who is wronged. And they have to  have the courage to say sorry. Obviously this takes a lot  of maturity and it takes a lot of education over time.

Children learn to apologize by witnessing our example.

Furthermore, children need to see where our sympathies  lie when we are correcting them. When we correct our  children for hurting someone the hurt person should get the  deserved attention instead of the perpetrator of the crime.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

The Parenting Struggle

When I talk to parents about parenting, it seems we are in  the midst of a struggle. Is parenting harder today? Why is it  harder? How can we make it simpler?

There is a difference in family life today versus fifty  years ago. Fifty years ago families were influenced more by  church, neighbors, community, and time together than they are  today. Today there is more influence on families coming from  outside their home and neighborhood by TV, computer, and other  media outlets. Information keeps coming at families at  lightning speed. Time together becomes restricted by two  working parents. Children participate in more activities  outside their immediate neighborhood than they did fifty years  ago. Our homes have become self-sufficient entities. We can be  connected to the world, friends and relatives from a chair in  front of our computers.

The time and the necessity to be involved with other  families has decreased through our TV’s, computers and the  internet.

Meanwhile, marketing to children is in full swing.  Children influence family decisions through the empowerment  granted to them by direct marketing. Parents’ authority has  diminished and kids know it. Families feel it. Kids are in  control. Even computer games and TV give children the feeling  of having it all and deserving it. How can parents win any  struggle in this era of the empowered child?

Parents do have power and need to exert the right to be in  control of your house and your kids. First, recognize that what  your children get from you is a privilege. You can control the  number of privileges your child earns, and yes, they should earn  their privileges. Too many kids get things without earning them  just by saying, “Everyone else has it!”

Maintain a set of rules for your household. Children need  clear sets of rules. Parents exert control by being the people  who set the rules.

Demand respect from your children. Disrespect means loss  of privileges.

Stop yelling. Yelling shows weakness and loss of control.  You may then feel guilty and make decisions for your children  from this place of weakness. By staying in control, you command  more respect and exert more control over your children.

Decrease TV exposure and computer time. These empower kids  and give them the sense that the world is at their pleasure.  The less kids see advertisements and marketing ploys towards  them, the less they feel that they just can’t live without the  latest and greatest thing.

Make sure you have family time every week. Do an outing  together. Eat meals together. Family time won’t always be  perfect. But the time together provides a sense of belonging,  and a sense of togetherness that kids really need.

Get together with other families without the electronics.  Share meals, talk and play games. Community teaches children  about friendship. It teaches them about other families. These  lessons don’t come on their IPOD or FACEBOOK.

Hold your children responsible for their schoolwork and  their chores. They need to work to improve themselves and for  the greater good of the family. If they are held responsible  for school and home responsibilities, you have a greater sense  of control.

Parenting styles have changed. We can no longer just be  the authoritarians in our homes. But, we can have a sense of  control. We can develop our own parenting style. Read some  parenting books. Get some parenting DVD’s. Think about your  parenting. Kids feel empowered but they still need strong and  secure parents. You can be secure in your parenting role and  feel that parenting is less of a struggle.

Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

The New Age Of Grandparenting

Today’s America is one of families separated and living individually. Many families  are separated by long distances. Few remain together living with extended families  under one roof. Some are lucky enough to have grandparents and grand kids in the  same town. Nevertheless, no matter what your circumstance is with your grandchildren,  grand parenting in today’s busy world is different than it used to be. So what is your  role as a grandparent today? How do you negotiate the distances between you and your  grandchildren? Or even if you are close to your grandchildren, how do you play a role in  this speedy lifestyle families live today?

As a pediatrician I see grandparents join their children and grandchildren in health visits.  Many grandparents bring their grandchildren in for sick or well visits. Some come to  checkups while visiting from out of state. From my visits with these grandparents I have  formulated some tips for grandparents today.

1. Whenever you get a chance be there and witness.

The world is different. Things are moving fast and families are fast moving.  Telling your children to slow down won’t make it happen. Our culture has  changed. But families need grandparents to be there. The role of a witness  is important. Many things can be overlooked. And sometimes a grandchild  just needs someone there to see what they did. “Did you see me do that flip,  grandma? Wasn’t it good?”

2. Listen.

Many families need to work out their own solutions. Sometimes providing  your two cents only adds to conflict. But being a wise listener may provide  your child with the right sounding board to come up with the right solution.

3. Read to your grandkids.

Or listen with them to some books on tape. Even if your grandkids live far  away share some of the same books or tapes. Reading and listening to stories  allows our minds to relax. It creates a world in our heads. It continues to be  educational to people at any age. And it gets your grandkids away from the  TV and videogames. Read and talk about what you read.

4. Respect your children’s different parenting styles.

Parenting is a tough job as you well know. But times are different and an  authoritarian style of parenting is no longer respected. Allow your children to  grow into their roles as parents. Support them when they need it.

5. Spoil your grandchildren but carefully.

It is your role to treat your grandchildren as special little people. But  grandparents have to be careful when health issues arise. Smoking near  your grandchildren may be harmful if she is an asthmatic. And giving too  many sweets to a child with a growing weight problem may be harmful to the  family’s efforts. Grandparents have a right to spoil their grandkids so long as  it is in a healthy way.

6. Provide a living history.

Grandparents are a bridge to the past. Children love stories of times long ago.  Make sure your grandchildren know where his family came from. Let them  learn about hardships in the past. Give them a vision of a world very different  from theirs. They are important lessons for them.

I can’t rely on just my thoughts on grand parenting today. I only talk with grandparents  but am not one myself. So I asked my children’s grandfather his opinion on what is  important in grand parenting today. Here is what he told me.

“We have to have acceptance of where our children are at in their lives. We can’t hold  resentment over things. We need to stay positive and stay current. And we need to work  to maintain a spiritual connection with our children and their kids.”

There isn’t much to add except enjoy your grandchildren. Enjoy their smiles and giggles.  Enjoy their comfort in your lap. Smile on them. Take in their joyful moments you get to  share. It’s hard to get another chance. Make the best of whatever chance you have now.

Family, Nutrition, Parenting Tips, Psychology

The Family Dinner

This is a plea to bring back this tradition in your family.

Starting with nutrition and health, the family dinner  provides a time to cook healthy foods for everyone. For one  meal of the day you can be assured that everyone eats something  good for them. This is getting easier as we have a movement  toward healthy organic foods. For many people, dinner is the  only time to get a vegetable and salad in their diet. Just  keeping this habit going can add years to your lives.

For the families’ mental well-being, dinner provides a time  for face-to-face conversation. Yes, this can mean conflict but  the dinner table provides a forum to work things out. If you  have to sit at the same table with people night after night  there is strong motivation to settle spats and not hold grudges.

A recent study showed that top scholars had one thing in  common – their families ate dinner together. By eating together  we converse with each other. We debate, argue, laugh and cry  together. Providing children with this forum prepares them for  school and the world. Children gain further achievement when  they come from households that value family dinners.

They won’t always be perfect. Yes, you will argue. There  will be good times and bad around the table. Some meals will be  gobbled up. Some won’t be touched. It doesn’t matter. The  important thing is the value of the family dinner over time.  The lessons learned at the table will be valued by your children  – especially as they go off to work, study and achieve in the  real world. Family dinners – don’t let them leave home without one.

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Teaching Respect

“Kids just don’t respect their parents like they used  to. Boy, when I was growing up if I spoke to my parents  the way kids speak to their parents today; I’d get a slap  from my father. There would be no way that I would use  such tones or make such faces to my father.”

I hear this kind of quote from parents often these  days. It sparks an interesting conversation about  parenting the old way versus the new way.

The old way of parenting was authoritative. Parents  commanded respect from their children by the threat or use  of force. This style of parenting caused children to treat  their parents a certain way purely out of fear. The image  that is recalled by adults is that they showed their  parents respect. This is usually the truth – they “showed”  their parents outward respect while in reality these “kids”  resented their parents’ use of force to gain “respect”.

Today, use of force at home is frowned upon. In fact,  use of corporal punishment is not necessary. Use of force  only gives parents a false sense of being in control while  it creates fear, insecurity and resentment in children. We  all know the issues that occur in households where force is  taken to the extreme and all of us should work to decrease  those risky situations.

So how do parents win respect from their children?  First, parents need to realize that you don’t gain respect  by making someone afraid. Like anywhere else in the world,  you get respect when you deserve it over time. And you  deserve it when you respect them for who they are. Parents  should view their children as people with wills and  desires. They are like a block of granite waiting for the  sculpture within to be exposed to the world. We the  parents are the sculptors and our work demands patience.  To let the best show from that raw block, parents must  respect the process children need to go through. Children  must try behaviors out to see if they work. Overtime they  have to learn to express themselves in positive ways. So  if we can respect them and the process they have to go  through they will learn respect.

Here are some guidelines for parents to gain respect  over time from their children.

Parents need to respect their children even when they  don’t respect you. This can be difficult. When kids don’t  respect us, we tend to react strongly. But our reactions  need to be controlled. One moment of disrespect will not  make our kids disrespectful.

When your child treats you in an openly fresh manner,  state your feelings and offer the cold shoulder.

Respect people inside and outside of your family.  Your children watch your behavior in the world and mimic it.

Don’t treat your children or others in demeaning ways.

Teach your children manners and use them yourself!  Manners are the cultural norms of respect.

Look into yourself and see how you disrespect  yourself, your kids and others. Turn over a new leaf of  respect. It starts by showing yourself respect by taking  care of yourself.

Be a good role model. Use your manners. Recognize  people for who they are. Respect the fact that all people  are struggling with their own issues. Meet people where  they are not where you want them to be.

Doing all this, respect will come. You will have  spared them a lot of yelling and anger. The frustration in  trying to make them respect you will have given way to a  more mature way of getting respect. By using  respectfulness in your life your child will be more likely  to find themselves, and show respect to others. At that  point you will receive their respect because you will have  earned it.

Baby, Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Toddler

Taming The Tantrums

So you are in the checkout line at the supermarket and your toddler wants one of those colorful candies. You’ve been out doing errands and the supermarket is your last stop. Your son has been great up to now. He’s been a trooper as you dragged him from errand to errand. But now, as dinnertime approaches, he has reached his limit. You say no to the candy and here comes his full fledged fit. He wheels back his head, screeches out and starts flailing his arms and legs. He’s thrown himself into one of his best tantrums. Oh how you wish this behavior would go away. It is just so embarrassing, especially in public. How are you supposed to deal with a tantruming child in a supermarket as (it seems) half the world looks on? Should you give him the candy? Offer something else? Just ignore him? If I ignore him, won’t other people think I am a bad parent?

In order to deal with tantrums, parents need to understand why children have tantrums in the first place. Most children go through periods of “trial and error” behavior. They try a behavior because they didn’t get their way. Many different behaviors develop in this way; for example, temper tantrums, breath holding spells, head banging, pulling their own hair, and even whining. There really isn’t a rational reason for their behavior except that they are frustrated and act out for attention because of that frustration.

So if tantrums are due to “trial and error” behavior why do they repeatedly occur? First of all, children have short memories. They may not get anything from one tantrum but because of a short memory they try it again another time. It takes a child a long time to really remember that a behavior doesn’t yield him anything. The other reason why the behavior comes back is that the child gains something from the behavior. Children can become the center of attention during a temper tantrum. At the same time they can be in control of the responses they are getting from people. The attention they get and the control they have can make a tantrum a powerful tool for a young child.

So how should parents response to a tantrum? Here are some rules to follow:

1. Remember that this behavior is just “trial and error” behavior. In your child’s mind they are saying – “if I try this fit what happens?” That is why if they get no real response from their action, they will try some other behavior instead – eventually!

2. Remember the struggle for attention and control. Getting attention for a behavior and being able to control other people’s responses are rewarding actions for children. Don’t reward tantrums by giving them attention or letting them control you by getting under your skin.

3. Children have short memories. If you don’t give attention to a tantrum and another tantrum occurs within the same week, don’t be discouraged. For most families it takes months for tantrums to decrease in frequency. Children continue with their “trial and error” behavior for a while to be sure they aren’t getting a result. This is especially true when a parent is changing their approach from one of giving attention to a tantrum to taking attention away.

4. Remember that a child’s behavior is theirs – not yours. Many parents in public places feel like their child’s behavior is the parent’s responsibility. But that is absolutely false. Only the response to the child’s behavior is the parent’s responsibility. The behavior should be owned by the child not by the parent.

5. Safety first. Your child won’t look out for his/her safety while having a fit. Make sure they are in a safe place to have their fit before you decrease your attention to them.

6. Finally, everyone who cares for your child needs to treat tantrums the same way. If children receive benefits from tantrums anywhere you are more likely to see the behavior again.

So back at the supermarket, the poor parent with the tantruming toddler needs to ignore her child and finish the task at hand. The parent needs to get out of the store as quickly and calmly as possible. And during the ride home the tantrum will go away. And that parent will be ready to succeed when the next tantrum blossoms from their child again. Hopefully others who witness scenes like these will have greater understanding and empathy towards the parents who are trying to tame their toddler’s tantrums.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen

Talking To Your Teen? Try Writing!

Many books recommend talking to your teen. Have you  tried doing that? First of all, family life is so busy  that having a settled moment to talk is hard to find.  Second, if your teen will break himself or herself for a  moment from his ipod, cell phone, or computer, it is  usually just to “yes” you or roll their eyes at you. But a  new way of communicating might be an old way. Try writing.

Little notes can be left on the door of their room, on  their backpack or on their pillows. We can use “post-its”  for little reminders and for prodding to get chores done.  But those big conversations we would love to have might  take something else called a letter. Have you ever thought  of putting down on paper any concerns you have about your  teen son or daughter? Have you thought about writing a  letter to your teen about how much you love them and care  for them? Maybe it’s time to try it. Here is what you  might want to say.

Dear son or daughter. I care for you so much that I  worry about you. I want so much for you that I think more about your future then you do. I understand that you are  growing and maturing at your own rate. And I also  understand that I want you to mature faster than you are  ready. This puts us at odds and causes us to argue at  times. Anytime I say something, you take it as pressure  even when I am talking with concern for you.

You need to understand that it is hard to be a parent  of a teenager. I still remember rocking you to sleep,  catching you from falling, and holding your hand to cross  the street. I’ve saved your life at least 100 times and  now you don’t want me to anymore. You want to try  everything yourself. I understand that but it is hard for me.

You see, I can see your potential but I also know the  dangers you face. Yes, I know they have talked about drugs  and sex and smoking at school. But now there are new drugs  like Ecstasy, new sex they call “hooking up” and “friends  with benefits”, and new risks like gambling that aren’t  covered in school. In fact, risks are taken by teens  whether they are covered in school or not. Almost weekly  teens die in car accidents caused by the same old drug I  used – alcohol. Shrines go up by the roadsides and I pray  I won’t be putting one up for you. Even “good” kids make  mistakes. And now, at your age, mistakes have big  consequences. So while I worry, you roll your eyes and  feel invincible. Nothing is going to happen to you, of  course. Yet things do happen – even to football captains,  even to “A” students, even to popular kids or unpopular  kids.

So I want to ask you to think about some things.  First and foremost know that I love you and care a whole  lot about you and your life. You are special to me and it  would be torture to live the rest of my life without you.  I don’t always tell you these things because of the way you  might respond. And our family life is often too busy to  stop and tell each other these facts. So we live on with  assumptions only. But if you are to assume one thing,  assume that I would still hold your hand or catch you from  falling – I still care that much about you.

With that as your first assumption, then when you are  exerting your independence and want to take some risks,  take small risks. Take care of yourself. Be safe – not  because something will happen to you – but because there  are people caring about you.

Take your time setting your goals – but set them. I  don’t value you for nothing. I can see your budding  skills. Set a course for your life that uses your skills.  Value yourself and do well. Certainly I will be proud but  I will also know that your achievements are yours alone and  not mine to claim.

There may be areas where I have been a less than  perfect parent. Maybe I yelled at you to much. Or maybe I  hurt your feelings by being overly critical. Please  forgive me!! You won’t see how difficult it is to be a  parent for years to come. But it is easy to make mistakes  when your motivation is protecting, encouraging, and  motivating someone you love.

Finally, I will work hard at supporting you. I do  recognize that everyone makes mistakes. You will too. I  will be there to help you recover from your mistakes. It  might be hard for us at the beginning. I’ll try not to  lecture or say “I told you so”. I will try to remember  that you have to try things out for yourself. But if you  are not seeing your own value and caring enough for  yourself, I will be angry because I want you to value  yourself as much as I value you.

There! I said what I wanted to say. I have a lot  more to say – like don’t drink and drive, don’t smoke, be  careful with sex, don’t get hooked on gambling, those new  drugs are not safe and . . . but those things you have  heard before. And I have to let go a little. And I might  have to trust that because I value you, you might value  yourself. Take care. Love Mom or Dad or both.

Don’t let me put words on your paper for you. Write  your own letter. Personalize it to your child and any  specific concerns you have. Put it in a private place but  make sure they read it. And find a moment to ask them  about it. Teens can be difficult to communicate with. We  need to use all avenues available to us to make sure we say  what we need to say.