“Kids just don’t respect their parents like they used  to. Boy, when I was growing up if I spoke to my parents  the way kids speak to their parents today; I’d get a slap  from my father. There would be no way that I would use  such tones or make such faces to my father.”

I hear this kind of quote from parents often these  days. It sparks an interesting conversation about  parenting the old way versus the new way.

The old way of parenting was authoritative. Parents  commanded respect from their children by the threat or use  of force. This style of parenting caused children to treat  their parents a certain way purely out of fear. The image  that is recalled by adults is that they showed their  parents respect. This is usually the truth – they “showed”  their parents outward respect while in reality these “kids”  resented their parents’ use of force to gain “respect”.

Today, use of force at home is frowned upon. In fact,  use of corporal punishment is not necessary. Use of force  only gives parents a false sense of being in control while  it creates fear, insecurity and resentment in children. We  all know the issues that occur in households where force is  taken to the extreme and all of us should work to decrease  those risky situations.

So how do parents win respect from their children?  First, parents need to realize that you don’t gain respect  by making someone afraid. Like anywhere else in the world,  you get respect when you deserve it over time. And you  deserve it when you respect them for who they are. Parents  should view their children as people with wills and  desires. They are like a block of granite waiting for the  sculpture within to be exposed to the world. We the  parents are the sculptors and our work demands patience.  To let the best show from that raw block, parents must  respect the process children need to go through. Children  must try behaviors out to see if they work. Overtime they  have to learn to express themselves in positive ways. So  if we can respect them and the process they have to go  through they will learn respect.

Here are some guidelines for parents to gain respect  over time from their children.

Parents need to respect their children even when they  don’t respect you. This can be difficult. When kids don’t  respect us, we tend to react strongly. But our reactions  need to be controlled. One moment of disrespect will not  make our kids disrespectful.

When your child treats you in an openly fresh manner,  state your feelings and offer the cold shoulder.

Respect people inside and outside of your family.  Your children watch your behavior in the world and mimic it.

Don’t treat your children or others in demeaning ways.

Teach your children manners and use them yourself!  Manners are the cultural norms of respect.

Look into yourself and see how you disrespect  yourself, your kids and others. Turn over a new leaf of  respect. It starts by showing yourself respect by taking  care of yourself.

Be a good role model. Use your manners. Recognize  people for who they are. Respect the fact that all people  are struggling with their own issues. Meet people where  they are not where you want them to be.

Doing all this, respect will come. You will have  spared them a lot of yelling and anger. The frustration in  trying to make them respect you will have given way to a  more mature way of getting respect. By using  respectfulness in your life your child will be more likely  to find themselves, and show respect to others. At that  point you will receive their respect because you will have  earned it.