Category Archives: Behavior

Baby, Behavior, Infant, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Toddler

The Emergence Of Permanence

Your nine month old wants an electric cord but you distract him with a stuffed animal and he takes the bait.  Even at one year of age distraction to another object  replaces a desired one. At fifteen months, your methods of  distraction to an object you favor over one your child  favors may take longer but still works. But by eighteen  months your child persists after the TV remote even though  you try to distract him with two or even three different  fun items. What has happened? Why was it easier to  distract your child to a new object at nine months to a  year of age but at fifteen to eighteen months your method  isn’t working?

The problem is not with your method. The problem is  with your child’s development. By eighteen months of age  your child has developed the idea of permanence.  Permanence is when your child knows the object you are  hiding behind your back is still in existence and is the  object they want. Before this age your child might  “forget” that the remote or the electric wire ever existed  once you hid it from them and introduced a new item. This  is an important piece of information for parents to  understand. Without knowledge of this many parents fall  into a trap.

The trap goes like this. We as parents are used to  using distraction for over a year to give a child something  else rather than something they want. But as a child  develops permanence and persists after the hidden remote,  parents often continue to try distracting them by offering  them bigger and better choices. The offers continue until  something that pleases the child is offered. If this  pattern continues then a child learns to persist and act  out and something good will come their way. Does this trap  sound familiar?

If parents of fifteen to eighteen month olds recognize  this risk of using distraction, they can avoid this trap  and avoid feeling like your child is ruling you by their  behavior. If your child starts persisting for an object  you don’t want him to have, get that object way out of  reach and out of sight. Your child will start acting out  in frustration and disappointment. You may try one or two  simple attempts at distraction but if they don’t work, stop  trying. Allow your child to experience disappointment  without a response from you. The child will learn to move  past this emotion in a very short time. They will learn  that you are in control and they can’t persist in behavior  to win something. This age is when children want what they  want but can’t have everything they want. Since they have  learned about permanence, it is time for them to learn  about disappointment.

Baby, Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Toddler

The Attention Control Game

It often seems that as I grow as a parent that I move from one trap to another. Things may be smooth for a while but then with one child or another I find myself involved with  a behavior that I don’t want but repeatedly seem to get into with my child. This behavior  might be something that only I get. Or when I bring it up to my spouse I may find that  she is dealing with it too. At some point I realize that this behavior is driving me crazy. I  realize my child knows “how to push my buttons” again. It could be tantrums, whining,  arguing, or other noxious behaviors that I don’t want. Yet, the more I respond to it the  more often I seem to yield that behavior from my child. How do I fall into these traps?

All parents fall into traps through what I call the “Attention – Control Game”. Other  parents tell me how their children know “how to push their buttons” too. Almost  all behaviors that “push our buttons” fall within this attention – control game. To  understand this game I divide children’s behaviors into four categories.

The first behavior category is one done just for attention. We all know how children seek  and need this vital resource. In fact it is important for children to get a lot of attention to  support the positive attributes they have. We need to give our children attention in order  to demonstrate their importance to us and to build their ego so they gain knowledge about  the good things they are able to do. Giving positive attention to our children is as vital a  role for us as it is a vital need for them.

The second category of behavior is one done just for control. These are behaviors that  kids do to control us or our response. It may be as simple as a long “please” and sappy  eyes just to get something at a store. But if it works to control us it provides them a  benefit beyond getting a candy. Kids need to have more control over time. They need  the sense of power to help support their budding egos. They need to know that they have  the power to control things for themselves in order to build confidence for encountering  the world outside our family.

A third set of behaviors that are important to children are ones that yield no attention or  control from a parent. Why are these important? These are self-sufficient behaviors.  These are things such as a child who spends hours on a drawing or a child who builds  with legos for a whole morning. These are behaviors that the child is drawn to from their  inner being. These flow from talents, skills, and areas of interest the child has and for a  large part doesn’t need the reinforcement that a parent’s attention can bring. We want  our children to discover these talents and skills. They need the opportunity to use them.  The self-fulfillment becomes reinforcement enough. And the child comes to value the  part of them that has that particular skill.

The last category of behavior is the one that traps us. All behavior that drives us crazy  falls into the category that gives the child attention and controls us. These behaviors are  often negative. They serve no logical use for the child. But regardless these negative  behaviors never change so long as the child gets attention for the behavior and controls  the parent’s response. It is this category that I emphasize whenever parents talk to me  about behaviors that are bothering them. Understanding this phenomenon of attention  and control is crucial in order to change our response and get out of negative behavior  traps.

Whether it is temper tantrums, refusal to go to bed, whining, or any other negative  behavior, if a parent can understand their response and how it reinforces the child’s  behavior, parents can then change their response and modify the child’s behavior  overtime.

In order to rid your house of negative behavior, three steps need to be taken.

1) The parent needs to ask how he (she) gives the behavior (such as temper  tantrums) attention.

2) The parent needs to understand how this behavior controls the parent’s  response. How does the behavior control you?

3) And finally the parent needs to make a conscious decision to control their  own reaction to a behavior and not give the child any attention for the negative  behavior.

If done correctly the parent can watch that behavior slowly disappear. And they will  be prepared for the next behavior that will drive them nuts when it inevitably appears.  Because our kids know how to push our buttons, it won’t be long before we fall into the  trap once again.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Values and Morals

Weathering The Pre-Teen Tirade

Your once compliant and loving daughter suddenly becomes  your worst critic. From the hats you wear to the way you drive  to how forgetful you are, you cannot catch a break from your  twelve-year-old expert in everything. What has brought on this  reign of terror from your lovely daughter? She’s wonderful to  her friends. She’s a teacher’s dream. Other parents love her.  But all you get is criticism. No, you can’t sell her to another family. But you can do something.

There is a stage in young teens where they begin to  question. They have heard your values. They have seen the way  you treat people and now as they approach early adolescence they  begin to question. They may often directly confront you about  some of your values. “Dad, you say we should help the poor but  you just walked past that guy who asked you for a dollar.  You’re just being a hypocrite!” Those direct challenges may be  answered rationally. But what about all the other opinions they  throw at you.

The first thing to recognize is that this state of  questioning is normal. Part of questioning the world, your  actions, and your values is to criticize. It really isn’t meant  to be a personal affront. It comes across that way but it is  not.

The time of early adolescence is a dramatic time of change.

To weather this time parents have to develop a tough skin.  Have confidence in your values and stand by them. “I do give to  the poor – more than you know, dear – but now was not one of  those times.” Don’t defend yourself too strongly. Show pride  in yourself and what you stand for. Take their criticism with  your head held high. It is more powerful to your kids that you  cannot be shaken by their challenges. This may be what they are  really looking for. Seeing you stand firm gives your kids a  stronger basis for the further challenges that lie ahead in  their teen years. They see your pride in yourself and may be  able to model that for themselves when others challenge them.

So don’t take it personally. Your young teen needs to  challenge and test you. Hold your head high even if your child  doesn’t want to be seen with you anymore. Keep your chin up  even if your twelve or thirteen year old thinks you’re a dweeb.  This is only a test, and how you pass it provides a stronger  base for their later challenges.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

The Parenting Struggle

When I talk to parents about parenting, it seems we are in  the midst of a struggle. Is parenting harder today? Why is it  harder? How can we make it simpler?

There is a difference in family life today versus fifty  years ago. Fifty years ago families were influenced more by  church, neighbors, community, and time together than they are  today. Today there is more influence on families coming from  outside their home and neighborhood by TV, computer, and other  media outlets. Information keeps coming at families at  lightning speed. Time together becomes restricted by two  working parents. Children participate in more activities  outside their immediate neighborhood than they did fifty years  ago. Our homes have become self-sufficient entities. We can be  connected to the world, friends and relatives from a chair in  front of our computers.

The time and the necessity to be involved with other  families has decreased through our TV’s, computers and the  internet.

Meanwhile, marketing to children is in full swing.  Children influence family decisions through the empowerment  granted to them by direct marketing. Parents’ authority has  diminished and kids know it. Families feel it. Kids are in  control. Even computer games and TV give children the feeling  of having it all and deserving it. How can parents win any  struggle in this era of the empowered child?

Parents do have power and need to exert the right to be in  control of your house and your kids. First, recognize that what  your children get from you is a privilege. You can control the  number of privileges your child earns, and yes, they should earn  their privileges. Too many kids get things without earning them  just by saying, “Everyone else has it!”

Maintain a set of rules for your household. Children need  clear sets of rules. Parents exert control by being the people  who set the rules.

Demand respect from your children. Disrespect means loss  of privileges.

Stop yelling. Yelling shows weakness and loss of control.  You may then feel guilty and make decisions for your children  from this place of weakness. By staying in control, you command  more respect and exert more control over your children.

Decrease TV exposure and computer time. These empower kids  and give them the sense that the world is at their pleasure.  The less kids see advertisements and marketing ploys towards  them, the less they feel that they just can’t live without the  latest and greatest thing.

Make sure you have family time every week. Do an outing  together. Eat meals together. Family time won’t always be  perfect. But the time together provides a sense of belonging,  and a sense of togetherness that kids really need.

Get together with other families without the electronics.  Share meals, talk and play games. Community teaches children  about friendship. It teaches them about other families. These  lessons don’t come on their IPOD or FACEBOOK.

Hold your children responsible for their schoolwork and  their chores. They need to work to improve themselves and for  the greater good of the family. If they are held responsible  for school and home responsibilities, you have a greater sense  of control.

Parenting styles have changed. We can no longer just be  the authoritarians in our homes. But, we can have a sense of  control. We can develop our own parenting style. Read some  parenting books. Get some parenting DVD’s. Think about your  parenting. Kids feel empowered but they still need strong and  secure parents. You can be secure in your parenting role and  feel that parenting is less of a struggle.

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Teaching Respect

“Kids just don’t respect their parents like they used  to. Boy, when I was growing up if I spoke to my parents  the way kids speak to their parents today; I’d get a slap  from my father. There would be no way that I would use  such tones or make such faces to my father.”

I hear this kind of quote from parents often these  days. It sparks an interesting conversation about  parenting the old way versus the new way.

The old way of parenting was authoritative. Parents  commanded respect from their children by the threat or use  of force. This style of parenting caused children to treat  their parents a certain way purely out of fear. The image  that is recalled by adults is that they showed their  parents respect. This is usually the truth – they “showed”  their parents outward respect while in reality these “kids”  resented their parents’ use of force to gain “respect”.

Today, use of force at home is frowned upon. In fact,  use of corporal punishment is not necessary. Use of force  only gives parents a false sense of being in control while  it creates fear, insecurity and resentment in children. We  all know the issues that occur in households where force is  taken to the extreme and all of us should work to decrease  those risky situations.

So how do parents win respect from their children?  First, parents need to realize that you don’t gain respect  by making someone afraid. Like anywhere else in the world,  you get respect when you deserve it over time. And you  deserve it when you respect them for who they are. Parents  should view their children as people with wills and  desires. They are like a block of granite waiting for the  sculpture within to be exposed to the world. We the  parents are the sculptors and our work demands patience.  To let the best show from that raw block, parents must  respect the process children need to go through. Children  must try behaviors out to see if they work. Overtime they  have to learn to express themselves in positive ways. So  if we can respect them and the process they have to go  through they will learn respect.

Here are some guidelines for parents to gain respect  over time from their children.

Parents need to respect their children even when they  don’t respect you. This can be difficult. When kids don’t  respect us, we tend to react strongly. But our reactions  need to be controlled. One moment of disrespect will not  make our kids disrespectful.

When your child treats you in an openly fresh manner,  state your feelings and offer the cold shoulder.

Respect people inside and outside of your family.  Your children watch your behavior in the world and mimic it.

Don’t treat your children or others in demeaning ways.

Teach your children manners and use them yourself!  Manners are the cultural norms of respect.

Look into yourself and see how you disrespect  yourself, your kids and others. Turn over a new leaf of  respect. It starts by showing yourself respect by taking  care of yourself.

Be a good role model. Use your manners. Recognize  people for who they are. Respect the fact that all people  are struggling with their own issues. Meet people where  they are not where you want them to be.

Doing all this, respect will come. You will have  spared them a lot of yelling and anger. The frustration in  trying to make them respect you will have given way to a  more mature way of getting respect. By using  respectfulness in your life your child will be more likely  to find themselves, and show respect to others. At that  point you will receive their respect because you will have  earned it.

Baby, Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Toddler

Taming The Tantrums

So you are in the checkout line at the supermarket and your toddler wants one of those colorful candies. You’ve been out doing errands and the supermarket is your last stop. Your son has been great up to now. He’s been a trooper as you dragged him from errand to errand. But now, as dinnertime approaches, he has reached his limit. You say no to the candy and here comes his full fledged fit. He wheels back his head, screeches out and starts flailing his arms and legs. He’s thrown himself into one of his best tantrums. Oh how you wish this behavior would go away. It is just so embarrassing, especially in public. How are you supposed to deal with a tantruming child in a supermarket as (it seems) half the world looks on? Should you give him the candy? Offer something else? Just ignore him? If I ignore him, won’t other people think I am a bad parent?

In order to deal with tantrums, parents need to understand why children have tantrums in the first place. Most children go through periods of “trial and error” behavior. They try a behavior because they didn’t get their way. Many different behaviors develop in this way; for example, temper tantrums, breath holding spells, head banging, pulling their own hair, and even whining. There really isn’t a rational reason for their behavior except that they are frustrated and act out for attention because of that frustration.

So if tantrums are due to “trial and error” behavior why do they repeatedly occur? First of all, children have short memories. They may not get anything from one tantrum but because of a short memory they try it again another time. It takes a child a long time to really remember that a behavior doesn’t yield him anything. The other reason why the behavior comes back is that the child gains something from the behavior. Children can become the center of attention during a temper tantrum. At the same time they can be in control of the responses they are getting from people. The attention they get and the control they have can make a tantrum a powerful tool for a young child.

So how should parents response to a tantrum? Here are some rules to follow:

1. Remember that this behavior is just “trial and error” behavior. In your child’s mind they are saying – “if I try this fit what happens?” That is why if they get no real response from their action, they will try some other behavior instead – eventually!

2. Remember the struggle for attention and control. Getting attention for a behavior and being able to control other people’s responses are rewarding actions for children. Don’t reward tantrums by giving them attention or letting them control you by getting under your skin.

3. Children have short memories. If you don’t give attention to a tantrum and another tantrum occurs within the same week, don’t be discouraged. For most families it takes months for tantrums to decrease in frequency. Children continue with their “trial and error” behavior for a while to be sure they aren’t getting a result. This is especially true when a parent is changing their approach from one of giving attention to a tantrum to taking attention away.

4. Remember that a child’s behavior is theirs – not yours. Many parents in public places feel like their child’s behavior is the parent’s responsibility. But that is absolutely false. Only the response to the child’s behavior is the parent’s responsibility. The behavior should be owned by the child not by the parent.

5. Safety first. Your child won’t look out for his/her safety while having a fit. Make sure they are in a safe place to have their fit before you decrease your attention to them.

6. Finally, everyone who cares for your child needs to treat tantrums the same way. If children receive benefits from tantrums anywhere you are more likely to see the behavior again.

So back at the supermarket, the poor parent with the tantruming toddler needs to ignore her child and finish the task at hand. The parent needs to get out of the store as quickly and calmly as possible. And during the ride home the tantrum will go away. And that parent will be ready to succeed when the next tantrum blossoms from their child again. Hopefully others who witness scenes like these will have greater understanding and empathy towards the parents who are trying to tame their toddler’s tantrums.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen

Talking To Your Teen? Try Writing!

Many books recommend talking to your teen. Have you  tried doing that? First of all, family life is so busy  that having a settled moment to talk is hard to find.  Second, if your teen will break himself or herself for a  moment from his ipod, cell phone, or computer, it is  usually just to “yes” you or roll their eyes at you. But a  new way of communicating might be an old way. Try writing.

Little notes can be left on the door of their room, on  their backpack or on their pillows. We can use “post-its”  for little reminders and for prodding to get chores done.  But those big conversations we would love to have might  take something else called a letter. Have you ever thought  of putting down on paper any concerns you have about your  teen son or daughter? Have you thought about writing a  letter to your teen about how much you love them and care  for them? Maybe it’s time to try it. Here is what you  might want to say.

Dear son or daughter. I care for you so much that I  worry about you. I want so much for you that I think more about your future then you do. I understand that you are  growing and maturing at your own rate. And I also  understand that I want you to mature faster than you are  ready. This puts us at odds and causes us to argue at  times. Anytime I say something, you take it as pressure  even when I am talking with concern for you.

You need to understand that it is hard to be a parent  of a teenager. I still remember rocking you to sleep,  catching you from falling, and holding your hand to cross  the street. I’ve saved your life at least 100 times and  now you don’t want me to anymore. You want to try  everything yourself. I understand that but it is hard for me.

You see, I can see your potential but I also know the  dangers you face. Yes, I know they have talked about drugs  and sex and smoking at school. But now there are new drugs  like Ecstasy, new sex they call “hooking up” and “friends  with benefits”, and new risks like gambling that aren’t  covered in school. In fact, risks are taken by teens  whether they are covered in school or not. Almost weekly  teens die in car accidents caused by the same old drug I  used – alcohol. Shrines go up by the roadsides and I pray  I won’t be putting one up for you. Even “good” kids make  mistakes. And now, at your age, mistakes have big  consequences. So while I worry, you roll your eyes and  feel invincible. Nothing is going to happen to you, of  course. Yet things do happen – even to football captains,  even to “A” students, even to popular kids or unpopular  kids.

So I want to ask you to think about some things.  First and foremost know that I love you and care a whole  lot about you and your life. You are special to me and it  would be torture to live the rest of my life without you.  I don’t always tell you these things because of the way you  might respond. And our family life is often too busy to  stop and tell each other these facts. So we live on with  assumptions only. But if you are to assume one thing,  assume that I would still hold your hand or catch you from  falling – I still care that much about you.

With that as your first assumption, then when you are  exerting your independence and want to take some risks,  take small risks. Take care of yourself. Be safe – not  because something will happen to you – but because there  are people caring about you.

Take your time setting your goals – but set them. I  don’t value you for nothing. I can see your budding  skills. Set a course for your life that uses your skills.  Value yourself and do well. Certainly I will be proud but  I will also know that your achievements are yours alone and  not mine to claim.

There may be areas where I have been a less than  perfect parent. Maybe I yelled at you to much. Or maybe I  hurt your feelings by being overly critical. Please  forgive me!! You won’t see how difficult it is to be a  parent for years to come. But it is easy to make mistakes  when your motivation is protecting, encouraging, and  motivating someone you love.

Finally, I will work hard at supporting you. I do  recognize that everyone makes mistakes. You will too. I  will be there to help you recover from your mistakes. It  might be hard for us at the beginning. I’ll try not to  lecture or say “I told you so”. I will try to remember  that you have to try things out for yourself. But if you  are not seeing your own value and caring enough for  yourself, I will be angry because I want you to value  yourself as much as I value you.

There! I said what I wanted to say. I have a lot  more to say – like don’t drink and drive, don’t smoke, be  careful with sex, don’t get hooked on gambling, those new  drugs are not safe and . . . but those things you have  heard before. And I have to let go a little. And I might  have to trust that because I value you, you might value  yourself. Take care. Love Mom or Dad or both.

Don’t let me put words on your paper for you. Write  your own letter. Personalize it to your child and any  specific concerns you have. Put it in a private place but  make sure they read it. And find a moment to ask them  about it. Teens can be difficult to communicate with. We  need to use all avenues available to us to make sure we say  what we need to say.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen, Toddler

Stop Whining

So the kids are home from school. You got them a  snack. And after a moments peace, the whining starts.  “I’m bored. There’s nothing to do. Can I watch TV? But I  don’t want to do my homework.” It isn’t the phrases used  that bother us as much as the squeaky, whiny voices that  say them. Why is it that kids whine so much? And how can  we stop it?

There is a funny thing about kids’ voices. Some  voices used at home are never used with teachers or  coaches. But those irritating voices are saved by children  to use for their parents only.

How do kids know to do that? Do children know that  their teachers and coaches wouldn’t respond to those voices?

Children get a lot of things from whining. They get  their parent’s attention. They get to control the  situation and their parent’s response. And most of all,  they get what they want – at least half of the time.

So even though it isn’t easy to listen to, you can get  rid of whining pretty easily. First, a child should never,  ever get anything they want by whining. Second, parents  should treat whining like a foreign language they don’t  understand. Third ignore your child for a time for every  instance of whining. One could simply say “I don’t  understand that voice” and turn away. Only deal with  children who are talking normally. Those whiners will  catch on. Make it clear to them that you can’t understand  whining voices, inform them that they need to use normal  voices, ignore them a while when they whine, and you will  see whining disappear in your house.

Whining can be viewed as similar to a temper tantrum.  Just like a temper tantrum, we can see whining more  frequently in times of stress, hunger, or fatigue.  Nevertheless, just like a temper tantrum, whining should  not be responded to and should be absolutely ignored. With  those tantrums and whining gone, you’ll be on your way to  having a more pleasant household.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Stop The Bickering Sibling Versus Sibling – Round 2

You have put your rules on the refrigerator about  fighting. You have clearly explained them to your kids.  Yet, every morning the fights begin over again. “I want  the blue cup.” You give the blue cup to one child and say  it is his turn. Yet, the fight continues. You sternly  insist that the blue cup is in its rightful place. But  bickering continues over the plates, food, and everything  else through breakfast. You continue through breakfast  settling every argument from who gets the Winnie the Pooh  plate to who has more Coco Puffs. By the time breakfast is  over you are ready to ship your kids out for good. What  can you do to stop the constant bickering between your kids?

The most important concept regarding conflict between  your kids is that your kids want you to be involved. They  want you to settle their arguments for them whether it is  in their favor or not. They just want you to be involved  because it is a way for them to control you. Let’s watch  mom lose it while we bicker. Isn’t it a wonder what power  and control we have over her!

Therefore, the key in ending bickering is decreasing  your involvement in their conflicts. You cannot get  involved verbally or emotionally. Even if kids get an  emotional rise out of you they win. Minimize your words.  Try not to correct them verbally over bickering; they will  always have an answer. Remember; DO NOT GET INVOLVED IN  THEIR FIGHT.

Certainly you need to start with the rules. No  hitting. No biting. No throwing things. No being too  loud. Post these on your refrigerator and add your own.  Just remember, only correct for what you witness.  Otherwise you will be the arbiter of a hundred fights  starting with “he bit me; no I didn’t!” You cannot be sure  who is right unless you witness the offense.

Here are rules for parents to follow regarding their  bickering children. Stay uninvolved. Minimize your words.

If you believe that your kids fight to cause trouble  for you, you may be right. It might mean it is time for  you to step back and out of the conflict. A great book for  parents is Siblings without Rivalry. It may help a parent  gain a perspective on why kids fight and how parents can  learn to respond or not.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Squashing The Rudeness Epidemic

Dance instructors have asked me “Why are kids so rude these  days? If you reprimand a child in dance class for their  attitude you can expect a phone call from their parents later.”  Coaches have told me similar things. “Heaven forbid I sit a  star player for being a poor sport. The parents would have my  head.” Major magazines have had articles on the “rudeness  epidemic.” Is there any wonder why there is an epidemic if  parents don’t hold their kids responsible for their rudeness and  unsportsmanlike attitudes?

Certainly we don’t always have the best examples. Our pro  sports players have had numerous noteworthy displays of being  poor sports. But putting that aside for the moment, we must  think about how our kids display themselves to other adult  authority figures outside our houses. How do they represent you?

Keeping our kids from being rude takes a multifaceted  approach. We have to address rudeness from our children  wherever it occurs – at home, at school or at extracurricular  activities.

At home, parents often are at a loss on dealing with  rudeness or disrespect. We often react with anger, lectures and  worst of all, physical punishment. But these actions don’t  teach respect. Respect teaches respect. And this is one of the  toughest lessons for parents to learn. We must try to respect  them even when our kids don’t respect us. This doesn’t mean we  have to be nice! But yelling, lecturing and being physical can  be demeaning and not respectful to your kids as a person. When  we can respond to their rudeness to us with coolness we remain  in a respectful place yet give them the cool response rudeness  deserves. To top things off they learn that rudeness won’t get  a rise out of you. That decreases their motivation as well.  (And of course, decreasing a privilege or decreasing your  service to them may be very appropriate to go along with to your  cool responses.)

Children can learn a lot from parents by how you treat  people outside your house. Do you yell at people on the phone?  Are you short with people in stores? Children watch this and  mirror your actions as they face the outside world. Your kids  will take a page from your book and it won’t look pretty. We  need to model good respectful behavior for our children. So  when you hang up on that telemarketer do it with class and  respect.

When we hear about our child’s rudeness to a coach, teacher  or instructor, support that adult in sitting them on the bench  or excluding them from class. Yes we pay for those sports and  dance classes. But so do the other parents. So why should all  children be distracted and suffer due to your child’s rudeness?  They shouldn’t. Support the action of coaches and teachers.

Finally, all coaches, teachers, gymnastic instructors, and  dance teachers – all adults acting in authority over children in  their activities – need to have the authority to correct  children when their mouth speaks inappropriately. Foul  language, unsportsmanlike behavior, bad hand signals and  inappropriate outbursts should have repercussions. At the  beginning of the season or year, send home a behavior contract  for all involved in your program. Be clear on what your actions  will be. A fair warning is always well received and then your  authority should not be questioned when you have to act.

All adults need to work together. Parents need to support  other adults in authority. Communication between parents and  those surrogate parents is important. Be respectful. Respect  kids by using appropriate language yourself. Respect them as a  person even if they don’t deserve it. Be calm but firm.  Isolate the offender by your action. And if we all do this  together, perhaps we will squash the rudeness epidemic and raise  respectable children.