Category Archives: Behavior

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips

Showing Affection

Positive affection helps support children!

Upon returning from a recent trip to a Honduran  Orphanage, I was struck by a contrast in our culture and  the one I see at the orphanage. What I experience at the  orphanage is an abundance of affection. These children who  have lost their precious parents are able to touch each  other and others warmly. They freely demonstrate their  care for one another in acceptable physical ways. They  hold hands, wrap arms around each other, and embrace in  asexual, pleasant and comfortable ways. I enjoyed this  affection immensely.

I remember one particularly interesting incident at  the orphanage. I had finished seeing patients at the  clinic. As I wrote up my charts some children snuck up  behind me just so they could pat my bald head. The  Honduran children enjoyed touching and patting my head  since they don’t see many bald men in their country. It  wasn’t offensive on their part. It was cute and  affectionate. They loved to see me laugh and respond to  their touch of my shiny top.

When I came back to the Boston area, I missed the  affection those kids gave me. I don’t need kids patting my  scalp. But I wonder whether we are being taught to fear  affection. In our culture there is a flood of negative  news and information about inappropriate forms of physical  touch. We are warned about sexual harassment in the  workplace. We worry about sexual predators in our  neighborhoods. Court cases about the church abuse scandal  lead our headlines. Does this culture lead us to decrease  displays of affection? Are we becoming so afraid that  demonstrating affection is negative?

Let’s be clear that there are appropriate ways to show  affection and inappropriate ways that take advantage of  people. They should never be confused for one another.  But nor should we decrease one because of fear of the  other. Our children need signs of affection.

Affection is helpful to children. The children in the  orphanage in Honduras feed off of it. They feel affirmed  and important. Affection is a form of praise. It makes  children feel good. It makes them feel loved. It builds  their egos. You can see it and feel it with the children  at the orphanage. They do thrive because of it.

Our children likewise need to feel appreciated through  affection. They need to feel their parents’ touch. Hugs,  kisses, and pats on the back make children feel their  value. With appropriate affection children sense warmth  and protection. We cannot afford to let negative news  create too much fear that we shy away from giving our  children this valuable commodity. We shouldn’t have to be  reminded to hug our children daily. Perhaps that love  shown at home will spread to the community at large as well.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Toddler

Saying No To Our Kids

Our children are facing an unprecedented number of  choices, most of which are for things they don’t need.  Billions of dollars are spent to appeal to your children  and make them want something that you have to buy. It  makes me think of two questions for parents today. Are you  able to go to the store with your children and not get them  anything they say they want? Do you have unused toys  stuffed into containers at home but your kids still want  more? The answers shouldn’t come as any surprise to us  when we realize how many things are thrust upon our  children through various forms of advertising. You can see  the results of this in our communities where scooters that  were a must for all kids years ago lay dormant in garages.  Why can’t we say no to our kids? Why do our kids need to  have “what everyone else has”?

I have heard explanations from parents such as “well I  don’t want to disappoint him”. Or, “I didn’t have stuff  when I was a kid and I want it to be better for them”. But  if we don’t disappoint our children, when do they learn  disappointment? When do they learn to deal with emotions  around disappointment? When will we learn to face their  feelings of disappointment and not need to “make it up to  them”? If we step back for a moment and look at the  process of saying “no” to our kids we may learn a new  approach to this issue.

The first part of the process is the request. Your  child will ask you for something he or she wants. The  second part is a time of thought – you have to decide yes  or no. Take a moment at this point in the process because  once you decide, there is no going back! “Yes” is always  easier and is certainly ok at times. “No” is harder  because when we say “no” we can expect argument, emotion  and behavior. It is dealing with these three factors in  the process that makes it hard for parents to say “no”. Here’s how to deal with these three factors.

If you think about your decision well enough then  don’t get into an argument. No, means no! Just keep  saying no. Then comes the emotion and the behavior.  Emotion needs understanding. (I know that disappoints you,  I’m sorry about that) and behavior (that means acting out,  crying, tantrums or other kinds of fits) deserve a cold  shoulder no matter how embarrassing!

Using this system our kids learn over time to deal  with disappointment. They ask for less and they turn out  fine – perhaps better than kids who expect to get  everything.

I have seen kids in third world countries such as  Honduras play and interact with a lot less than our kids  have. In our country where we have so much, perhaps all  parents should work on disappointing their kids more. At  the same time if we give our time or resources to good  causes, our kids can learn that it isn’t all about them and  what they get. It is about all of us getting and learning  what we need.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen, Toddler

Raising A Wonderful Child

Much of the parenting advice that comes from  pediatricians and psychologists is directed towards fixing  negative behaviors. But what about those parents who have  a wonderful child. They do exist. Those kids are self  motivated, do well in school and rarely need correction.  Those parents deserve advice too. Wonderful children are a  blessing but they need their parents’ guidance too.

There are challenges in raising wonderful children. It is easy to become complacent about them while  we are busy with other concerns. They are usually self  sufficient so it is easy to forget about them. You still  have responsibility in raising your wonderfully easy child.

When a friend pays a compliment about them, make sure they hear it. It is their compliment not yours. Don’t  over correct them just to keep them from being “too big for  their britches”. Wonderful children take little corrections  to heart. You can trust in the fact that they want to  please.

Instead, challenge your achiever. Show them the struggles we face in our society and our world. You  shouldn’t let them grow up believing everything will come  easy to them. There are always more things to achieve for  children, adolescents and adults.

Work towards continuous improvement in yourself. Our achieving youth need good role models and that starts  at home. If they see you working to improve yourself, they  will see value in improving themselves.

Many good people have gone before us. Read to them or  have them read about great people and their achievements.  They need idols like Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson  Mandela, Anne Sullivan and Mother Theresa.

Pose questions to them; let them come up with  solutions. This keeps them thinking and develops their  creativity. Show them ways to contribute through  volunteering. Let them come up with ways to help out  others. Our wonderful children may be able to make our  world better in the future if they are made aware of  challenges we face today.

Expand their skills. Have your young wonder child try  things that don’t come easy – a musical instrument or a  team sport. Some great kids take the easy route by staying  in their comfort zone. But with new challenges, new skills  may be discovered.

Whatever you do with your wonderful child, don’t take  them for granted. Praise them. Show them you are proud of  them. Recognize their skills and talents. Let them hear  you brag about them even if they moan “oh mom”. They need  to know how you feel about them and that you value who they  are. Through your appreciation of them they will learn how  to appreciate themselves and others.

Wonderful children are easy. They are blessings. But  we need to remember they need parenting as well.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Teen

Providing A Good Base Parenting Teens Part II

To parent teens well, we must start with a good base. Remember, teens rebel. They question. They explore. But by  late teen years they often return to the moral base their family  gave them. That moral base is what we give kids in their first  twelve years. How do we give them that base?

As kids grow we battle them over many issues. Can they  have a sleepover? Are the other parents aware? Will they be  home? That seems like a simple scenario. But as a parent you  know there are many scenarios like that one where we have to  face our children and make decisions for them. In all these  battles and decisions there are lessons. How much freedom do we  allow? How much trust has our child earned? How much respect  do we have for them? These questions are answered in our  decisions. And kids learn to earn respect and trust over time.

Many times kids need corrections for breaking rules and  breaking truth. Consequences need to be carried out so kids  learn limits. It is normal to have these events. We just need  to face them appropriately and justly.

Through these everyday decisions our kids learn about right  and wrong, and about what is safe and unsafe. This gives  children a basic morality that serves as their base for entering  the stormy teen years.

Parents need to set rules, have consequences, and say “no”  to their kids freewheeling desires. Many parents feel guilty  about setting limits. “Well, it seems like I am the only parent  worried about allowing this.” Rest assured. You are not.

Rules and limits show children we care about them. We want  them safe. We care about their health. We are trying to  protect them. Even if kids don’t like it, they at least  appreciate that you care.

One other important piece about providing a base for kids  for their teen years, parents need to recognize their children  for their skills and accomplishments. This recognition gives a  child a sense of what they are good at. Parents must recognize  and praise their children’s true skills. Combine this sense of  accomplishment and skill with ideas of safety and right and  wrong, and you have a child who has a solid base to start his  teen experiment.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen

Positive Influences Help Us Parent Our Teens

When I do workshops for parents of teenagers I see many shaking heads when I say, “it is a  tough time to be a teenager!” Everyone in the audience recognizes this statement as fact. Few adults  can picture growing up as a teen now. School demands are higher. It is harder to get into college.  College costs add a burden. A high school diploma doesn’t help your career very much. And now,  with the economic crisis, the future looks tougher still. There is only one thing tougher than being a  teenager, and that is being a parent of one!

Teens are exposed to so much so early that they seem to be growing up too fast. The media’s  influence on our teens has never been greater. Movies and TV shows push our teens to be older than  they are. We know the risks that they may encounter but it seems that they do not. We worry for them.  And the freedoms that they demand from us so early make it difficult for us to stay in control. How are  we to parent our teens today? Where else can we turn?

We need to give our kids freedom but it should be a chaperoned freedom. We, the parents do much  of the chaperoning. There is no way around conceding control to other chaperones in the care of  our teens. Teachers, coaches, dance instructors, and other parent surrogates take on our roles as  leaders for our children. This is obvious but when put in this context it sounds scary. As parents, we  don’t want to give up this role to others. Yet, it is not only part of the natural process of separation but  important for our kids to be influenced by outside forces. How could this be?

Our teens go through a period of questioning everything you, their parents, stand for. They  learned your values and your rules for more than twelve years. Teen years is a time for questioning  and, yes, experimentation. Teens try things on for themselves and don’t necessarily do this with  parental consent! Here is where outside influences come in.

Many years ago there was a study that showed that teens that succeeded were often inspired  by an “influential adult”. This was an adult outside the teen’s family that helped to inspire that teen to  achieve something because of the relationship he or she had with that teen. That adult often saw a  skill or a talent in that teen that just needed a little push. That influential adult could be a history  teacher, a baseball coach, or a ballet instructor. This influence helps build a foundation of ego and  confidence in that teenager. It is incredibly powerful for a teen to be recognized by someone other  than a biased parent. No matter what skill was inspired or what adult inspired it, the fact that the teen  was influenced well by someone outside the family is the point. It takes some swallowing of pride for  parents to accept this but it is necessary to realize that it very well may take a village to raise your  teen. Sometimes effective parenting is finding the right supports for your children.

In a recent meeting at Sandra Marie’s School of Ballet, I stated that the school was an  important influence on our young girls and the young men who are lucky enough to belong to this  supportive group of teachers. If you think about the negative influences our kids face, it is scary.  Think about our kids who dance and what their young lives would have been like if they did not have  an avenue to pursue their joy of dance in such a supportive environment. I have seen many young  girls over our eleven years at the studio grow to be mature and secure young women. Sandra Marie’s  leadership had an influence in developing these young people. This is a fact that can’t be denied.  Now, the studio wants to support parents even further. They are sponsoring a parenting workshop for  parents of teenagers.

The workshop is “You Can’t Fix Them So How Can You Live With Them- Parenting teens  today”. This is a workshop I have been giving across the North Shore for many years. I hope you can  join us on ____________________ at ___________________. The workshop will also serve as a  fundraiser for Northeast Youth Ballet. NYB is a nonprofit organization dedicated to bringing quality  ballet to our youth.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Parenting For A Better Community

Can you picture a community where parents have babysitting cooperatives? Or communities where businesses  give a “penny-a-purchase” to the community for child care  for those in need? Or a summer program where teens can  “hang out” and be available for odd jobs in the community?  Or where volunteers help tutor students? How about a  volunteer taxi service for the elderly that doesn’t just  run on Election Day? Could any of these ideas become  realities? Perhaps they may become necessities.

Communities can face increasing cuts in services  according to reports about the new proposed federal budget.  Just think what we could teach our kids with greater  commitment to community service.

Just think what we may  gain with greater cooperation with each other over common  causes?

Let’s face it, our culture has been pushing us towards  more individualism and isolation. Even now our government  continues to push us in this direction with the “ownership  society”. As we move in this direction, community services  shrink. That is where increasing cooperation between  community members comes in. If child care programs are  cut, for instance, communities will have to come up with  ways to fill the void.

What does this have to do with parenting? These  issues facing communities should be issues that concern  parents. A loss in services decreases supports to families  and makes family life more difficult – especially for those  who are not financially self sufficient. It is becoming a  necessity for parents to work for better communities. Here  are my suggestions to parents.

1. Parents need to break down barriers that lead to  isolation. Families need each other for support and  sharing of resources. If we all cloister in our own  homes, we will never achieve the necessary sense of  greater community.

2. TV and technology needs to be used more sparingly.  TV, Game boy, computer games, the Internet, Instant  Messaging and cell phones increase our isolation  from each other. How can we build community without  personal interaction? Young children don’t need  technology. They need best friends to play with –  and I mean interactive game play. As young kids  play together, bonds form between families – and a  community builds.

3. Families need to be involved in community activities.  Your involvement could be service oriented such as  working at a food pantry, or driving seniors to  the market. Through serving others, we receive  gratification for doing something good and our  children learn what it is like to give of themselves  to improve the situation of others in our community.

4. Parents need to recognize that each one of us will  have our turn to struggle. Few in our society are  so self sufficient that troubles with joblessness, loss of benefits, school problems and other family  struggles don’t rise up at some inoperative time.  Families should be open to give support to others and  to receive help when they need it.

5. Every community needs supportive services for  families. We cannot allow the push towards ownership  and individualism to continue to erode necessary community services. We need to push back and insist  that our government provide adequate supports to  schools, health care, child care, housing, police and  firefighting services that help keep our families  healthy and secure.

6. Parents need to raise their level of concern about  these issues to a new level. As parents we cannot  wait for further erosion of our schools or our health care system before we become aware and start taking an interest in these issues. These issues are tied to  family security for a majority of families. We, as  parents, have to break out of our isolated shells and  see where the trend is going. We need to teach our  children about the concern for greater community good  by expressing our interest in it.

So if you are interested in working on some of the  ideas I outlined above, get in contact with me or Stacy  Randall at Cape Ann Families. The time is now to work,  serve, and parent for a better community.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Parenting As A Team

You come home from work and your wife is in a heated  debate with your daughter. She wants to ride her bike to  the local store and buy some candy with her own money. You  intercede saying, “What are you two fighting about?” After  a briefing of the issue, you tell your wife to chill out  and stop being so rigid and let your daughter go to the  store. You feel a bit smug and can’t understand why your  wife has to be so rigid with the kids. Meanwhile your wife  feels disempowered and is angry about it. When your  daughter leaves your wife explains “you probably wouldn’t  feel so smug if you realized she already had candy from a  party today and that her doctor told me yesterday to watch  her diet. Good move big guy!” Then you feel like an  idiot.

This wouldn’t happen if spouses make agreements about  how they go about parenting. We all have times where we  are the ones enforcing some rules. As enforcers we need  support from the other parent. Parents need to work  together because children know how to work a divided  parenting structure. If one parent enforces rules more  than the other then children learn to go to the softer  parent.

So how do parents work together to provide consistency  in parenting? It starts with respect. You must respect  your spouse in his or her role as a parent. If one parent  is always dismissed by the other, that parent will have a  hard time upholding authority over the children. Parents  should not undermine each other by acting all knowing or  superior in parenting style. Let’s face it; most of us  don’t know everything there is to parenting. It is  important to demonstrate respect for each others’ authority.

Don’t intercede in an ongoing argument unless invited  by the other parent. Children will try to draw you into  the argument on their side. Don’t fall for this. If you  do you risk undermining your spouse.

Debate issues between the two of you in private away  from the kids. You don’t need the kids to be throwing  their opinions into your disagreements over parenting  issues. Come to decisions on rules and their enforcement  together. Then carry out enforcement of these rules in the  same way.

Don’t agree to a child’s request if you know that the  decision is controversial. Children will go to both  parents separately in order to get one or the other to say  “yes”. A “yes” from one parent is as good as a “yes” from  two. Make sure the child’s request is discussed between  the two parents before granting approval. Kids love to  divide and conquer. Don’t let them do it to you.

As we know, parenting is a tough job. Working  together to support each other in arguments, to set up  rules, and to respond to children’s requests can save your  parenting and can go a long way even to save your marriage.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology

Parenting In Divorces And Separations

As a pediatrician for over 22 years, caring for  children of divorced parents has always been a big part of  my practice. Being involved in the care of these children  can be a complicated matter. I often have to take into  account whether the prescriptions I write will make it to  the other spouses home. Will asthma treatment be  consistent between homes? Will the kids I care for get  consistent therapy no matter where they live? I certainly  hope that when it comes to medical treatments both parents  share the desire for consistent treatment. A bigger desire  for me is for divorced parents to provide consistent care  for their children even for non-medical issues!!

Up to fifty percent of our marriages in the U.S. end  in divorce. Children often experience horrible conflict  before a divorce. Most of the time, the conflict that  occurs before a divorce, leaves enough scars that continued  conflict after the divorce serves to keep the wounds open.  It is known that children of “peaceful” divorces do better  than those with continued conflict. This is an important  point for all divorced parents to know. Certainly, when  there is enough conflict in a marriage people shouldn’t  “stay together for the sake of the kids”. But in getting a  divorce, both parents should work toward peaceful solutions  of conflict “for the sake of the children”. Here are some  general guidelines for Divorce Parenting.

1. Both parents need to recognize that children do  better in divorce situations where parents are  amiable over decisions involving the children.

2. Don’t use your children as weapons against your  former spouse. “Tell your mother not to keep you up  so late.” “Tell your father to give you a healthy  dinner for a change.” These messages given through  children are actually thinly disguised attacks  against the former spouse. Children don’t need to  hear these attacks and shouldn’t be involved in  them. If you have something to say to your spouse,  communicate directly or through email or notes.

3. Recognize that your child has a right and a need to  love each parent as they wish. They have a right to  judge each parent for themselves.

4. Keep your opinions about your spouse’s character to  yourself. In other words, don’t badmouth your former  spouse in front of the kids.

5. Don’t battle for your children’s favor by giving in  to all their desires. Children get spoiled this way.  They get wise to this battle and use your attitude  to get their way. Then they get confused when rules  need to be enforced by the other parent.

6. Try to communicate about rules – children need  consistency over certain rules. This is particularly  true over bedtime, homework, diets and curfews.

7. Recognize that there may be some differences between  households. Mom may cook at home but dad always  orders out. Many of these differences may be okay.  Kids can learn the rules that you have that are  different from your spouses and respect them.

8. Don’t buy into children’s arguments that “Dad let’s  me!” Kids can learn to get their way by dividing  parents against each other (even in solid marriages).  When kids say “Well, dad let’s me”, you can say  “That’s fine, but you can’t now with me.”

9. Be open to getting help if you start witnessing  extreme behaviors in your children. If because of  their emotional stress your children are failing to  function in school or other outside activities, seek  some help. Divorce is stressful for everyone and  kids often feel the stress in unique ways.

10. Both parents should have goals around caring for  their kids. These goals should focus on three things  kids need in divorce – love, care, and consistency.  If both parents work towards goals of how you will  show your child these three things, your kids may not  suffer terribly from your separation. This may help  you through the hardest part of divorce – helping  your kids cope with the changes in their lives.

 

Behavior, Diseases and Conditions, Family, Nutrition, Parenting Tips, Psychology

“My Tummy Hurts”

“My tummy hurts”, “I have a headache”, “I’m not hungry”. I have heard these  complaints a thousand times a year. I have heard these complaints in Italy, Honduras,  and America. It is universal. Kids complain about body issues to their parents – and  to their doctors. But when is a complaint just a complaint and when is it a harbinger of  illness? “My tummy hurts” is a phrase all parents hear. Many times the child expresses  discomfort to their parents. Yet, the discomfort may mean many things to the child. It  could mean “I am full, or “hungry” or “I need to go to the bathroom”. Perhaps it means it  “hurts” in fleeting, temporary, crampy sort of way.

“I have a headache” surprises parents. People don’t believe kids should have  headaches. But they do and most are not troublesome. Most are easily treated with rest  or tylenol. Certainly time and attention helps too.

The complaint “I’m not hungry” often is followed by a series of questions. “Why, don’t  you feel well? Do you have a fever? Is your throat sore?” But perhaps the child just  doesn’t want to eat.

When children complain should parents and other caring adults be concerned? Is  something really wrong? Will they starve? Will they get sicker? Many children’s  complaints don’t need any action. Many only need patience and observation. Often a  little attention suffices to solve the problem. Sometimes that is the only thing the child  was after to begin with.

Of course, we as adults fear overlooking real illness. But we need not worry too much  with complaints alone. With real illness children demonstrate real evidence of illness.  A temperature may come. Cough, vomiting, diarrhea, ear pain or sore throats become  apparent. Rarely is a simple complaint evidence of illness without some corresponding  signs. It is when children are demonstrating a combination of factors (i.e. a complaint  of stomach ache and diarrhea and signs of dehydration) that medical advice should be  sought after. A complaint alone needs patience, love, time and keen observation.

Complaints that persist with regularity without physical signs may lead to other  questions. If complaints are during week days, is there a problem with school? Is  the child missing a lot of school? Are the complaints a manifestation of something  happening at school such as bullying? Could the complaints be part of stress at home?  Or could the complaints be evidence of anxiety or depression in the child?

We all hear complaints from children. It happens in all cultures and all countries.  What to do about complaints may not be as easy as a trip to the doctor’s office. When  children are truly physically ill, they’ll show us. It is the other complaints that take more  wisdom to discover the real cause. And there are many complaints that go away only  because of the love and care we show.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

My Child Is A Liar

You hear a crash in the other room. You dash around  the corner to find your son several feet away from your  precious ceramic bowl that lies shattered on the floor.  You ask, “Who broke my bowl?” To which your son answers,  “I didn’t do it.” “But you are the only one here. It must  have been you.” Again, your son says “I didn’t do it! It  fell by itself.” “You know dishes can’t fall by  themselves.” “Then someone else must have knocked it  over.” And so it goes, no matter what you say, your son  lies and cannot face the truth of what happened. Almost  more upsetting to you then the broken bowl is the fact that  you have a son that is a liar.

This can be disturbing to parents. Naturally we want  to forge trusting relationships with our children. How can  you do that when your child lies? Worse than that, when  caught apparently red-handed in a lie, your child can’t  seem to face the truth. How should parents respond?  Should we be angry? Should we wash their mouths out? What  kind of response do lies warrant? Do different  circumstances warrant different responses? How can we  manage lying so that we can foster a trusting relationship?

The first thing parents need to realize is that  children have a different sense of reality. They live half  of their days in an imagined world. What this means is  that when they say “it fell by itself” or “someone else did  it”, they may actually believe what they say is true! As a  result, it can be very frustrating for parents to argue  with their children over what is the truth. You may never  get the admission of guilt you are after because of their  different sense of reality. So how should parents handle  lies?

First, be careful on placing blame. Children are very  sensitive to blame. So unless you really witness the  crime, don’t be direct in blaming your child. In the above  scene if the parent continues to argue that her son broke  the bowl, he will continue to defend himself based on his  sense of what really happened. With an unwitnessed crime  as in the above scenario it is better to voice your  displeasure that your bowl was broken. Then while he helps  you clean up the bowl and after, your boy deserves a cold  shoulder for a period of time.

If the scenario changed a little and you actually saw  that he broke your bowl while playing with a ball then you  can be direct in your correction no matter what lies or  fabrications come your way. “I don’t care if you think  someone else did it, I saw you knock over my bowl with your  ball. Now you can sit quietly in your room for a while.”

Lies often get more sophisticated over time. Children  get smarter as they get older. And trying to get away with  lies is a time honored rite of childhood. So don’t fret  over your child being a liar. Leave name calling and  labeling of your child out of this. In treating each lying  event keep it simple. If you don’t truly catch your child  in the act, sternly repeat your expectations for honesty.  If you catch your child in a lie, give an age appropriate  punishment and reinforce your need for honesty.

The most important lessons about lies and honesty for  our kids come from how we, the parents, treat our children  and others. If we treat others with honesty and respect,  our children will learn that it is important to treat  people that way. But for them it will take time and a few  lies to learn how to treat people honestly.