Why Ask Why?

Why do you always have temper fits when you don’t get your way? Why do you whine to me after school? Why do you  always complain about dinners? Why do you always fight with  your sister? Why do all parents ask these questions?

These questions are an expression of frustration by  parents over behavior exhibited by our children. We as  parents all fall into the trap of asking these questions  whether they serve a purpose or not. Do these questions  ever get answered? No they do not. These questions can be  demeaning and labeling for children. That is how children  feel when they hear these questions. They are labeled as a  fighter, whiner, or complainer. Just in the asking of  these questions the child is criticized and treated as one  who is acting as a child should not act. Perhaps they  should not act that way but changing that behavior takes  time. When parents accept their children’s behavior as  natural, and accept their behavior as action that all  children try with their parents, then parents can forget  the “why” questions and move towards more appropriate  responses to the behavior. The “why” questions only expose  a parent who is not accepting their children acting as all  our children act.

How can we better deal with frustrating moments with  our children? How can we reach a place where we can be  more accepting of how our children act towards us?

First we need to be accepting of the fact that in our  role as parent we will face children acting in childish  ways. All parents face similar behaviors. All children  try the same behaviors on for size. As a parent we will  encounter whining, complaining, tantrums, accidents and  other childish acts that we cannot control. Many parents  spend valuable time asking “why do I have to face this  behavior in my child?” Why waste time asking “why”? If  we can function at a higher level by accepting our kids as  kids, their developmental level and their childish acts  then we are ready to respond better. Yes, all parents must  accept that their children will act in very embarrassing  and childish ways.

Don’t take me wrong. Acceptance of your child’s  behavior does not mean giving in to every whim. Part of  acceptance is educating yourself about your role and how  you can better respond to your kids. Acceptance gives you  a place from which you can act without fighting the reality  of your situation. Acceptance gets you over the why  questions and moves you towards “how do I respond”  questions. This is where you have control. This is where  you can decide how to act, ignore, or give fair consequence  to your children’s behaviors. Acceptance gets you over the  anger brought on with “why” questions and lets you treat  your children with greater kindness. You no longer act in  condemning ways but with a more fair response to your  child’s manner.

Why questions make a child question themselves. Your  acceptance of them gives them more leeway to accept  themselves. Children that grow up with less questioning  and less condemnation grow up liking themselves and turn  into confident people. It is purely for that reason that  acceptance of your children’s behaviors is important to you  in your life as a parent and to your children in their life  as a child. After acceptance, remember that it is your  responses to your child’s behavior that can make the  behavior better. From a place of acceptance a parent is in  a more peaceful position to choose a response that teaches  their child how they should or should not behave.