A recent report showed that ill people who know that many  people were worried about their illness actually did worse than  those who knew that few were worried about them.

All parents worry. But the extent that we worry may impact  our children negatively. When we worry we focus on the negative  and our children feel the focus. Subconsciously they gravitate  to actions that keep them as their parents’ preoccupation. We  can actually perpetuate problems in school or illness at home by  setting up that expectation. Worry is often based on irrational  unrealistic fears. But those fears may control our feelings  toward our children’s problem. If children don’t feel the  confidence from their parents that they will get better, they  tend not to heal as fast. Likewise, in school if kids don’t  feel their parent’s support and confidence they don’t succeed in  school as easily.

Our children respond to us from the attention we give and  the control we grant them. If their behavior (I stink at  spelling, or I have a headache) gets the parent’s attention and  controls the parent’s response it may become a behavior that is  fostered to continue. These behaviors may not be positive for  the child in any other way except for the subconscious attention  it draws to him. Headaches, stomachaches, emotional outbursts,  and even less than optimal school performance may pull us into  the same trap that temper tantrums do. (Certainly, many  illnesses, school problems, and emotional outbursts need serious  attention. Usually, in these cases, there are more objective  signs that teachers, doctors, or even parents can see that  support the need for addressing the child’s problem.)

So how can we avoid this negative spiral? Parents need to  always temper how much attention they are paying to a problem.  Too much attention may perpetuate any problem. We also have to  measure how much a problem is controlling the household – the  discussions, the actions, and, yes, even the worry a problem is  causing. Get an objective opinion whether the problem is worth  all the concern. Set a positive course to fix the problem and  then have faith and confidence in the resolution. The more we  can move away from preoccupation and worry to action and  confidence, the more we can get away from any traps that  attention and control can draw us into. If problems are real  and worth more concern, you will get another chance to reassess  your action.

Many of today’s parents tell me that their parents always  blew off their illnesses when they were kids. “Oh you’ll be  fine – just take some Tylenol. Your headache will go away.”  Some people criticize their parents for being too insensitive.  Maybe they had it partially correct – they didn’t get too  worried and we didn’t get too much attention for mild illnesses.