The Overly Negative Parent

Stop it! Why are you always fidgeting? Don’t climb on that! Can’t you be still for a moment? Leave your nose  alone! Can’t you occupy yourself for a minute? Must you  look into everything? Don’t you know that’s not safe? Sit  here! Keep your hands to yourself!

We all have used these phrases at one time or another.

It’s easy to fall into negative parenting patterns.  The fact is that children don’t mind negative parenting in  the short run. Sometimes they are thriving in the  attention they get from you even if it is in correcting  their behavior. Many times children enjoy controlling you  and “pushing your buttons”. However, in the long run  negative patterns of interaction have detrimental effects  on children’s egos. They start to embody the thought that  they are a “bad” child that always needs correction.  Meanwhile parents often sense the negativity in the  relations with their children and don’t like it.  Intellectually we know it isn’t good for our children.  Most parents plan on giving their children the best. So it  is usually upsetting for us to fall into negativity in  parenting. There is great value in being able to recognize  when you or your spouse are in one of these patterns.  Recognition is the first step in changing this pattern.

Once you recognize a negative mode of parenting there  are steps you can take to get out of it. Start by turning  off the word faucet. Ignore your child instead of  constantly correcting them. If you need to correct them,  use action instead of words. A touch on the shoulder or  turning them to the right direction often works better than  words. Take moments to compliment your child. Thank them  for following your correction or instruction. Praise and  compliments can help turn the tide on negativism. Employ  praise daily. Look up short phrases and words that kids  like to hear like “wow”, “way to go”, “I like it when you…”

Try to understand your child’s developmental level.  Many kids need to explore, jump and run. Give them a space  and time to play with their developing skills. Stop asking  silly questions like “Why do you have to…?” or “Can’t you  just be still for a moment?” Children are made to move and  be curious. It is up to parents to be creative to let them  use their curiosity and energy.

Don’t get frustrated with your child’s need for  constant vigilance. For certain ages, keeping one eye on  your child is a requirement in parenting. Parents must  accept this role. It takes a long time for children to  become self sufficient and trustworthy.

Children want to call attention to themselves and to  push our buttons. These desires often pull us into a  negative swirl. We can get out of these by taking  appropriate steps. Through these steps we can help our  kids feel positive about themselves and we can feel  positive about our relationships with our children.