Category Archives: Values and Morals

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Parenting For A Better Community

Can you picture a community where parents have babysitting cooperatives? Or communities where businesses  give a “penny-a-purchase” to the community for child care  for those in need? Or a summer program where teens can  “hang out” and be available for odd jobs in the community?  Or where volunteers help tutor students? How about a  volunteer taxi service for the elderly that doesn’t just  run on Election Day? Could any of these ideas become  realities? Perhaps they may become necessities.

Communities can face increasing cuts in services  according to reports about the new proposed federal budget.  Just think what we could teach our kids with greater  commitment to community service.

Just think what we may  gain with greater cooperation with each other over common  causes?

Let’s face it, our culture has been pushing us towards  more individualism and isolation. Even now our government  continues to push us in this direction with the “ownership  society”. As we move in this direction, community services  shrink. That is where increasing cooperation between  community members comes in. If child care programs are  cut, for instance, communities will have to come up with  ways to fill the void.

What does this have to do with parenting? These  issues facing communities should be issues that concern  parents. A loss in services decreases supports to families  and makes family life more difficult – especially for those  who are not financially self sufficient. It is becoming a  necessity for parents to work for better communities. Here  are my suggestions to parents.

1. Parents need to break down barriers that lead to  isolation. Families need each other for support and  sharing of resources. If we all cloister in our own  homes, we will never achieve the necessary sense of  greater community.

2. TV and technology needs to be used more sparingly.  TV, Game boy, computer games, the Internet, Instant  Messaging and cell phones increase our isolation  from each other. How can we build community without  personal interaction? Young children don’t need  technology. They need best friends to play with –  and I mean interactive game play. As young kids  play together, bonds form between families – and a  community builds.

3. Families need to be involved in community activities.  Your involvement could be service oriented such as  working at a food pantry, or driving seniors to  the market. Through serving others, we receive  gratification for doing something good and our  children learn what it is like to give of themselves  to improve the situation of others in our community.

4. Parents need to recognize that each one of us will  have our turn to struggle. Few in our society are  so self sufficient that troubles with joblessness, loss of benefits, school problems and other family  struggles don’t rise up at some inoperative time.  Families should be open to give support to others and  to receive help when they need it.

5. Every community needs supportive services for  families. We cannot allow the push towards ownership  and individualism to continue to erode necessary community services. We need to push back and insist  that our government provide adequate supports to  schools, health care, child care, housing, police and  firefighting services that help keep our families  healthy and secure.

6. Parents need to raise their level of concern about  these issues to a new level. As parents we cannot  wait for further erosion of our schools or our health care system before we become aware and start taking an interest in these issues. These issues are tied to  family security for a majority of families. We, as  parents, have to break out of our isolated shells and  see where the trend is going. We need to teach our  children about the concern for greater community good  by expressing our interest in it.

So if you are interested in working on some of the  ideas I outlined above, get in contact with me or Stacy  Randall at Cape Ann Families. The time is now to work,  serve, and parent for a better community.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

My Child Is A Liar

You hear a crash in the other room. You dash around  the corner to find your son several feet away from your  precious ceramic bowl that lies shattered on the floor.  You ask, “Who broke my bowl?” To which your son answers,  “I didn’t do it.” “But you are the only one here. It must  have been you.” Again, your son says “I didn’t do it! It  fell by itself.” “You know dishes can’t fall by  themselves.” “Then someone else must have knocked it  over.” And so it goes, no matter what you say, your son  lies and cannot face the truth of what happened. Almost  more upsetting to you then the broken bowl is the fact that  you have a son that is a liar.

This can be disturbing to parents. Naturally we want  to forge trusting relationships with our children. How can  you do that when your child lies? Worse than that, when  caught apparently red-handed in a lie, your child can’t  seem to face the truth. How should parents respond?  Should we be angry? Should we wash their mouths out? What  kind of response do lies warrant? Do different  circumstances warrant different responses? How can we  manage lying so that we can foster a trusting relationship?

The first thing parents need to realize is that  children have a different sense of reality. They live half  of their days in an imagined world. What this means is  that when they say “it fell by itself” or “someone else did  it”, they may actually believe what they say is true! As a  result, it can be very frustrating for parents to argue  with their children over what is the truth. You may never  get the admission of guilt you are after because of their  different sense of reality. So how should parents handle  lies?

First, be careful on placing blame. Children are very  sensitive to blame. So unless you really witness the  crime, don’t be direct in blaming your child. In the above  scene if the parent continues to argue that her son broke  the bowl, he will continue to defend himself based on his  sense of what really happened. With an unwitnessed crime  as in the above scenario it is better to voice your  displeasure that your bowl was broken. Then while he helps  you clean up the bowl and after, your boy deserves a cold  shoulder for a period of time.

If the scenario changed a little and you actually saw  that he broke your bowl while playing with a ball then you  can be direct in your correction no matter what lies or  fabrications come your way. “I don’t care if you think  someone else did it, I saw you knock over my bowl with your  ball. Now you can sit quietly in your room for a while.”

Lies often get more sophisticated over time. Children  get smarter as they get older. And trying to get away with  lies is a time honored rite of childhood. So don’t fret  over your child being a liar. Leave name calling and  labeling of your child out of this. In treating each lying  event keep it simple. If you don’t truly catch your child  in the act, sternly repeat your expectations for honesty.  If you catch your child in a lie, give an age appropriate  punishment and reinforce your need for honesty.

The most important lessons about lies and honesty for  our kids come from how we, the parents, treat our children  and others. If we treat others with honesty and respect,  our children will learn that it is important to treat  people that way. But for them it will take time and a few  lies to learn how to treat people honestly.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Mislabeling Your Mischievious Devil

“Oh, this one is our rascal!” “We’re going to have to  watch him.” “He’s my climber.” “He’s a devil.” “He is so  mischievous.” “She’s our sneaky one.” “She’s going to put us  in an early grave.” “We’re going to have to keep our eyes on  her.” How often do parents throw labels at their children? Is  it warranted? Does it do any good or does it reinforce behavior  we don’t want?

It is fascinating to see kids explore. They want to use new  talents to climb on stools, chairs and stairs. They want to look  at interesting new objects especially those with lights or  sound. And they want to copy what we do with the things we use.  They are naturally curious. So when kids start climbing chairs  and stools to get to our things that are out of their reach, why  are we surprised? Likewise, the TV remote is of interest to us  so kids find it fascinating. Stereo systems and other  mechanical things provide satisfaction for a child’s curiosity  into the adult’s world. It is no fault of children that they  develop interest in all things adults use. Yet it is usually  when children get into our things that they get their labels. It  is the child who learns how to turn on the TV, or take cookies  from a cabinet, or who sneaks off with the bag of chips that  gets assigned the negative label. There are better ways to deal  with this then labeling your child.

Labels really serve no purpose unless they are to  complement a child. “You are our piano genius.” “You really  know how to find lost things.” But labels with a negative  connotation do two things. First they tend to stick around. We  remember negative labels easily. Secondly, labels reinforce the  behavior by giving it too much attention. Parents end up  fulfilling their own prophecy of their “rascal” child by  repeatedly pointing out their “rascally” behavior. It is a  decent goal in all families to avoid negative labels put on any  child no matter how young or how old.

Instead of labeling, parents need to set boundaries for  their children. “You cannot play with the remote.” We can also  work preventatively by hiding the remote or putting it out of  range for temptation. Take corrective action. “You found the  remote again, I’m going go put it on the highest shelf now.”  Parents have to expect children to be inquisitive and curious.  It is not evil to be that way. By correcting these behaviors in  simple ways, we can avoid labels. As we do this, we must  remember to praise the positive in our children. After all, it  is the positive labels we want them to associate with  themselves. So label the positive, and simply correct the  negative without too much emphasis and attention. Our kids will  learn what is positive in their actions and gravitate towards  more positive actions. This way he or she won’t learn to be  your “mischievous devil”.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Maturing In Your Parenting Role

For twenty-three years I have been witnessing parents develop into their role. All parents start out adoring  their little precious bundle of joy. In the beginning the  parent’s role is to respond to the baby’s every call. When  their baby cries, mom and dad spring into action. Mom and  dad follow their basic instinct to respond and comfort  their child. Baby experts across the country recommend  spoiling, cuddling and responding to baby’s cries for the  first three months of life. Most new parents cannot help  themselves but do just that.

A responsive approach works for a while with children.

Over time, parents are surprised when a change comes  to the relationship. Our children develop wills and their  demands are no longer easily met. Things you could  distract your child from, just weeks ago, now are things  your child persists in wanting and they cry over it. This  marks a change in parenting. For the first months of life,  we learned to be totally responsive to our child. But,  after time, we see the will of our child and need to face  that will. This leads to conflict between us and our  children and conflict within us. Do we respond? How do we  respond? Do we give into our child’s cry? If we respond,  are we catering too much to their wants? If we ignore  their demands, are we being too strict?

Parents have to grow and mature in their role as  a parent. Part of that maturing is recognizing our child’s  will and learning how to direct them. Parents have to  learn a balance between leniency and strictness.

Young parents are often surprised that their child has  a will. Many parents tell me that their child “knows what  she wants” or “has a mind of her own”. This isn’t a  novelty. All children do. The challenge for us, as  parents, is to know when to give into their wills and when  not to.

By eighteen months of age children demonstrate  persistence in their desires. You can no longer distract  them away from a desired object. As a result, children  become crafty in trying to get what they want. Through  trial and error they “try-on” different behaviors to get  their way. It is facing these behaviors that become the  battleground for parents. Their behaviors change over time.  Toddlers have temper fits of different varieties. Grade  school children whine and teenagers argue. And there are  many other behaviors in between. We must change from  responding to their whims to ignoring their behaviors.  When parents can listen to their child cry, whine, stomp,  kick, groan and argue over something they want and, yet,  not respond to them, they have grown as a parent.

When you see that your child has developed a will, and  you know their motivation for their cries, you must learn  when it is right to ignore and when it is right to respond.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Managing Aggression in Children

As hostilities dominate the newsreels, many parents  face an increase in childhood aggression. Whether managing  shoving matches between children, toddlers grabbing each  others toys, or open fights in playgrounds, all adults have  to face anger and aggression in children. What are we to  do to decrease hostile behavior in kids? What defines an  overly aggressive child? When should parents seek help?

We shouldn’t be surprised or overly worried to see  some aggression in kids. It is quite natural. Some  aggression is necessary for many kids to succeed in sports,  school, and social settings. We need to accept some  aggression so long as we set a framework of what level is  appropriate.

How aggression is acted out is an important issue as  well. Aggressive play with legos or army guys is different  from a realistic video game. Working out their aggression  in play with inanimate objects like legos is very valuable  to children. Children work out many scenes in their minds  through this play. Violent videos and computer games blur  the boundaries of appropriate aggression. Children who  play violent games are less likely to recognize real  violence as inappropriate. They are less likely to object  to violence and more likely to be aggressive then children  who don’t play violent computer games. This is becoming a  great problem particularly for boys. Curbing the use of  video games especially at a young age is important for  parents to enforce. Decreasing exposure to violent shows  and video games decreases aggression in children.

So what are some parameters for dealing with  aggressive acts in children? We start with defining the  who, where, and how of aggressive acts. Children can  display aggression against themselves, other people or to  pets. Aggression towards others should be corrected. We  should not allow pushing, hitting and grabbing of others to  get their way. Likewise, aggression towards pets or  animals is inappropriate, dangerous, and inhumane. We  cannot allow that either. In those cases kids should be  quickly and sternly corrected and then ignored. (Giving  kids too much attention for their inappropriate behavior  can be too rewarding to kids.)

When kids exhibit self-aggression, we may not want to  be too quick to correct it. Some kids hit themselves or  pull their own hair when they “goof up”. For the most  part, parents should not make too much of this. However,  if self-aggression reaches the point of really hurting  themselves (i.e. leaving bruises, scratches or cuts on  themselves) parents should seek some counsel from a  physician or counselor.

There are appropriate places that can help aggressive  children “work out” their anger. Wrestling, Karate, other  martial arts, football and other sports are areas where  children can use socially acceptable means to work out  aggression. Appropriate coaching is necessary for all  these sports. Parents need to listen and respond to  coaches who have to sit a child out or otherwise correct a  child who, even in these environments, are being “too  aggressive”. We need to support teachers and coaches who  discipline players for inappropriate behaviors.

Overall, parents who think their children are on the  aggressive side need to monitor this issue carefully.  Children need rules to contain aggression such as no  hitting, no biting, no throwing objects at people, and  never intentionally hurt an animal. When these rules are  broken, stern correction and isolation of the offender  should occur. In and out of home, appropriate ways to work  out tension and aggression should be taught. And when a  child is overly aggressive in too many situations seek  help. Parents need to listen to surrogate parents  (teachers or coaches) and support their decisions to  discipline an aggressive child. We are seeing a rise in  aggressive behaviors. Our kids need to learn appropriate  forms of aggressive behavior and it is up to all adults to  teach it.

Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Values and Morals

Lessons From El Rancho Santa Fe

I have returned several times to a very special place  in Honduras. In the midst of the extreme poverty that  continues to haunt Honduras there is a refuge for children  called El Rancho Santa Fe. It is an orphanage for children  who have lost their parents run by the organization  Nuestros Pequenos Hermanos – Our Little Brothers and  Sisters. What makes this place so special is the love,  joy, caring and sharing that comes from these orphaned  children and those around them.

The orphanage is set up with the philosophy that these  children have suffered one great loss in their lives so the  orphanage will not let them have another. No child is  given up for adoption. They can have faith that the  orphanage is their home. They come to the orphanage to be  accepted into a family of 600 children. The orphanage is  run by Honduran staff and foreign volunteers. The ranch  takes these children from a period of abandonment to a life  of love.

The children are the story for this orphanage. Every  function is to improve the lives of the children. The  children have clean homes, clothes, good food, a school,  and access to health care. They are kept safe. They are  taught a work ethic that helps them value what they  contribute to the greater society. Even six and seven year  olds can be seen sweeping or cleaning without complaint.  They see around them a community where everyone  contributes.

The children are alive. Their eyes sparkle with joy  when they take your hand. They want to know your name and  want you to know theirs. You are immediately accepted into  their community. You cannot avoid being drawn into their  life by the affection they show.

They are thriving at this place. Many children  complete high school. They all learn a trade. Many go  onto university. Two are currently in medical school.  Such a success rate cannot be matched in many American  communities much less other impoverished Honduran  communities.

I have been to this orphanage three times to  volunteer. But my contributions pale in comparison to what  I receive from these orphans. The lessons are many. But  the biggest most obvious lesson is that when children are  provided with clothes, food, housing, a safe environment,  health care and education, they thrive. Of course they  need love and care. But when provided with those basic  needs, by loving people they find the love they need and  share it.

Each time I leave El Rancho Santa Fe, I leave with  sadness because of the love I feel there. Every visit  brings momentous sentimental memories that I cherish. I  wish more people could experience this and learn the  lessons about contribution to a greater social good. That  frame of mind is a much needed commodity in our society.  The changes needed in medicine today will only come when  people learn the lessons of El Rancho Santa Fe.

Behavior, Family, Homepage, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Learning the Vocabulary of Emotion

When birthdays come around, birthday gifts are given to the birthday child and others are jealous. When a pet dies,  children grieve. When a play date cannot happen, a child is  disappointed. When an obstacle is faced, bravery is summoned.  Children can be joyful, happy or downright elated. When one  child has a friend over and the sibling does not, one is happy,  but the other is resentful. How can we bring up children and  handle all their emotions if we can’t label what emotions they  are having? The answer is – we can’t. It is important for all  parents to learn a vocabulary of emotion.

When our children have an emotion, part of how they learn  to deal with it is learning what it is. When children are in an  emotional state they don’t know if it will last forever or go  away shortly. A feeling can be negative or positive. Kids may  want joyful emotions to last forever. On the other hand, sad  emotions feel like they will last forever. In either case,  emotions are learning opportunities. To teach about emotion  parents need to label it for the child. These are new  experiences for them. After a label, a parent can relate an  experience with that emotion. “I was disappointed last week  when daddy had to work late and we couldn’t go out to dinner.  Remember?” This shows the child that you have been there – and  survived the emotion. Then the child should be allowed to get  over their emotion – to have it, own it and learn how to resolve  it. It is not the parent’s job to get the child out of the  emotion. The child will only learn to get things by using the  emotion another time.

So, how does a parent learn a vocabulary of emotion? Let’s  start with these words: Happy, sad, angry, disappointed,  depressed, enraged, surprised, embarrassed, scared, brave,  aggressive, defensive, elated, lonely, jealous, resentful,  frustrated, mourning, sorry, pensive, love, hate, proud. This  is a start. Learn these words and what they mean. More  importantly, notice when your child experiences the emotion and  label it for them. “It seems you are jealous that you didn’t  get a present. We all get jealous at times.” Then let your  child experience the emotion. I am convinced that we are doing  more harm to children by robbing them of their emotional  experiences than we would do by labeling the experience and  letting them own it. When children grow having emotions and  understanding them, they become more stable young adults. If  children grow up in families that deny emotion or avoid dealing  with emotion, kids become confused by emotion well into  adulthood. Take the first step in helping your kids. Label their  emotion and show some understanding of it- they will thank you  when they become a mature adult.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen, Values and Morals

It’s Not Fair

You say “no” to your eight year old. He has enough legos and he doesn’t need ones he has. Then you hear it. “It’s not  fair. Jimmy has that one. How come I can’t get it?” Now you  feel a little guilty. He’s right; his friend Jimmy does have  it. But your son has enough. Should you change your mind?

“It’s not fair.” What a phrase! How do kids learn to use  this? All parents have to realize that all kids use this phrase  to try to guilt their parents into giving them what they want.  All kids! It fascinates me how they learn to use it. Kids must  know that you care to please them. They know that. It becomes  a universal play children use to make you feel that you are not  pleasing them as much as every other parent is pleasing their  children. The follow up to “it’s not fair” is “everyone else  has it”. Do they really know that “everyone else has it” or  “gets it” or “is going to get it”? Of course not. But since  when does a child’s argument have to be factual.

Meanwhile, parents are overloaded. We work more hours. We  spend less time as a family. So many parents compensate by  getting things and giving in to their kids. No wonder kids  learn that “it’s not fair” plays into the parent’s guilt by  making parents feel like they are depriving them not only with  less time together but also with not getting them what everyone  else has.

However, there is a lesson that kids need to learn. Kids  need to know that life isn’t fair. It never is and never will  be. Nor should our kids expect it to be. Many young adults  today are suffering depression from the shock of trying to  sustain all that was handed to them when they were younger as  they enter the “real world” and have to earn things for  themselves. They are learning too late that life isn’t fair.

This doesn’t mean that we should purposely deprive  children. It does mean that we have to recognize this play of  “it’s not fair”. Children shouldn’t be teaching parents about  fairness. We should be teaching them. To start, we need to  face down this play by saying “You are right. It is not fair.  But you can’t always get something because you want it.”  (Editorial comment – The advertising campaign by a certain car  company, which says, “a strong want is a justifiable need” is  teaching a horrible lesson!)

Kids don’t have a good sense of fairness. They learn this  by having good rules that apply to all at home. They learn  fairness from what example we show. Do we treat others with  respect and fairness?

Alternatively, our kids also need to learn unfairness.  Unfairness that hurts people should be fought. This goes for  parents and children to fight injustice in our society on the  small scale and the large scale. But small bits of unfairness –  when a friend gets to go some place special and your child  doesn’t – or when their friend has something they don’t – your  child needs to learn that you can’t always get what you want.  This is really less about fairness and more about how children  learn about disappointment – an emotion they need to learn!

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

How to Stop Spoiling your Children

After traveling to developing countries and back, I am left with the impression that  American children seem to get everything they want. Two major news companies have  published reports about how children are dominating their parents. Even marketing  efforts have targeted children to influence big family purchases such as cars and  vacations. How do our children get so spoiled and what can we do about it?

There are two ways to spoil children. One way is to give anything and everything  they want. The other is by giving the child all the attention all the time – even when  they don’t deserve it. In both ways of spoiling, children learn to manipulate people.  They learn to get things or attention even without earning it. Spoiled children become  self centered and interested only in self satisfaction. They get fleeting satisfaction from  new things or by controlling the attention from their parents but never are truly happy or  satisfied. But there are ways to fight spoiling.

Parents need to distinguish between our children’s needs versus their wants. We  mistakenly give into our children’s desires thinking they can’t do without those things  they want. But they can!! Kids can actually get by with very little. I know. I have seen  it in action in the orphanage in Honduras. The orphanage director, my friend, Richard,  says that kids actually do better with the less “stuff” so long as they have food, shelter,  clothing and love. Obviously, our kids are exposed to so much it is natural to want things.  It is just important to know they don’t need everything that “everyone else gets”. Kids  really don’t need much to be happy.

If your child wants you to buy them everything, decrease exposure to advertising.  Throw away newspaper inserts and decrease exposure to TV commercials. Saying “no”  more often to their requests will decrease their demands on you over time.

If you have the monetary means to buy your children everything – don’t. Give  your child a way to earn things. Let them obtain enough by their own effort to buy things  for themselves. At least they will learn about earning and making good and bad  purchases.

Some children are spoiled by dominating their family’s attention. This manner of  spoiling promotes behaviors such as whining, tantruming and crying to get their way.  Parents need to learn that you don’t have to own every emotion your child throws at  you. Let them have their emotion and behavior after expressing some understanding. If  parents can learn to face behavior and emotion without giving substantial attention, their  children will learn to deal with these situations without dominating the attention and,  therefore, without being spoiled. Put more simply, whining, tantrums and crying to get  their way should never work for children.

Our children need to grow in environments that foster understanding of the world,  development of a good work ethic and a decreased sense of entitlement. These lessons  can only come if our children grow up without being spoiled. It is with spoiling that our  children grow up thinking that the world revolves around them. We must teach kids what  they can contribute to the world instead of what the world should be giving to them.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Honesty, Fairness, Humilty And Forgiveness

Honesty, fairness, humility and forgiveness are intimately entwined together in parenting. It is difficult to teach one without the others. Almost all of these are taught by  parents by example. Children see how you treat others and observe this carefully. If you  want an honest, fair, humble and forgiving child, let them see you do it. These qualities  are marks of maturity and are hard for many of us to be consistent with. I believe these  make parenting a very introspective process. Are we honest? Fair? Humble? Are we  sharing these qualities with our children? Do we cheat and are we pleased with  ourselves? Are we out for ourselves or do we grant others a fair share? Do we think we  are better than others or are we “only human”? Are others always at fault deserving  criticism or are we forgiving of others’ mistakes? Are these questions difficult? Do we  naturally believe we are honest humble and forgiving?

To answer these questions think of daily occurrences. Let’s say you find a watch.

In traffic, someone wants to move into your lane. Are you gracious in allowing  the move or do you begrudgingly give up the space? Do you curse or criticize the other  driver?

Someone cuts you off in traffic. Do you call names? Are “stupid” and “idiot”  part of your vocabulary? Are you a better driver than everyone else?

You act out in anger towards your children in an inappropriate manner. Do you  later apologize? Do you ever admit fault?

Kids are very perceptive. They watch how we drive and even more how we  interact with others. They watch to see how fair we are. They question constantly if we  are fair to them. How we are “fair” to our kids varies with age, circumstance and level of  maturity and is subject to interpretation – that is another whole subject for another  column.

Kids watch to see if we are able to admit when we are wrong. They see if we are  able to admit we made a mistake. This takes maturity and humility on our part. Parents  who view apologies as a sign of weakness are still horribly immature. How can we be  viewed by our children as honest if we cannot be honest about our own mistakes and  admit them? And if we are wrong and apologize, don’t we expect forgiveness. Of  course we do. Conversely, we need to act properly and forgiving others as well.

Honesty, fairness, humility and forgiveness – such important lessons. These  complex lessons are taught in daily scenes at home and in public. They are taught by  example. They are taught by practicing them. They are taught by parents taking an  honest look at themselves and how they treat others. These are actions that involve love  and respect for all people and demonstrating that daily in our actions.