Category Archives: Values and Morals

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Having Faith & Letting Go

There are a million times in the life of a parent where one  needs to have faith, let go and allow your children to do it  themselves. It seems so easy and logical. Well, of course, we  have to let our kids do it themselves. But, when we are going  through the issues our children face, we often want to do it for  them. It could be the first time they are trying to sleep by  themselves, or the first day of kindergarten. Perhaps, it is when  they are having some battles with their peers during grade school.  Or maybe the day you see them walking off to high school with a  backpack bigger then they are. The first year of college can be  tough to witness – their bravado as high school seniors reduced  to an uncertain wide-eyed freshman once again. The first time on  stage we worry if they can remember all their lines. These are  just a few of life’s examples of when we, the parents, can’t do it  for them – but wish we could.

Sometimes we get drawn into doing it for them as much as we  can. We help with their projects, practice their lines, push them  through college applications, and prep them for their driving  tests. We linger in kindergarten classes and hover over them to  “help” get their homework done. It is scary for parents to “let  go”. We want so much for our children to succeed that many times  we do it for them and coddle them through rough times. But do we  really help or do we hinder?

The amazing thing about children is that they grow and  mature. Many obstacles they face in their lives are timed to  coincide with their maturing process. We may not think they are  ready for the new challenge but they rise to the occasion. We  may receive comments about them. “Susie did great in that school  play last week.” “Congrats on John’s acceptance to Stanford. You  must be proud.” Even though you sweated through the learning of  the lines or getting the applications in on time, they did it and  truly with little help from you. There are so many times in our  lives as parents when we need to have faith and let go. By  having faith and letting go kids feel our belief in them. They  sense the confidence we have in them (even though we don’t feel  it absolutely). Time and again our kids show the world and us  what they are capable of. We need to be there for their rise and  boost them when they fall. Watch them mature. When you get a  compliment about them, pass it on to them. The compliment is  theirs not yours. They need to get the praise they deserve.  Tell them how proud you are of what they accomplish. That will  give them the boost they need for their next challenge.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Getting Not Giving

I must confess. I am a pediatrician who dislikes Halloween. “How much candy did you get?” is a common refrain at the end of every Halloween evening. Kids spill out their treasure to see how much they got. They often separate their goods into piles – from favorite to least favorite candies. Of course, the least favorite are the ones that are dispensable to others. This ritual begins the “getting season”. Before the Halloween costumes are hung to dry, Christmas items are being hung on display in every store in the country. In this culture of getting, when do we squeeze in the lesson about giving?

The lesson about giving doesn’t start with  Thanksgiving that is for sure. Yes, people will give an  extra dollar at Shaw’s to buy a turkey for a needy family.  But Thanksgiving culminates at a meal where we sit and  overeat and get sleepy. I was struck recently when in a  store I saw the title page from Martha Stewart Living – A  Season of Plenty. I wasn’t sure whether we were supposed  to be thankful and appreciative or just happy we have so  much. So I return to my question. When do we squeeze in  the lesson about giving?

It is my opinion that we need to stop squeezing in  this lesson. This lesson of giving of oneself or of some  money or effort to a good cause should be a year round  lesson in all families. Let’s not spend Thanksgiving  giving ourselves self congratulating appreciation of what  we have. Starting this season, starting now get your  family participating in active projects of giving. The  biggest stumbling block is where to start. Here are a few  suggestions.

  1. Kids won’t want to instantaneously start in a project  of giving. It’s hard to force it on them. The first  thing parents need to do is get information about an  area where you may want your family to make an effort.
  2. Once you’ve chosen an area of concern (i.e. hunger)  find out about that issue in your area. Then provide  your children information about that issue.
  3. Parents should start working on the concern by  themselves. Let the children know why you are  interested in the work. Be clear about what you are  doing about it – no matter how small.
  4. Continue your commitment all year and be clear to your  kids that you have a long term commitment to help.
  5. After some time ask your kids to join you with your  commitment – even in small ways.
  6. Here are some ideas for families to contribute their  time. In the book, Parenting for Peace and Justice  by Kathleen and James McGinnis, the authors talk  about the “two feet” of Christian Service. On the  one foot there are acts for social change. These are  works of justice. Included in this are actions such  as helping to organize a good co-op, educating the  public on social needs, and even inspiring people to  get out and vote. The other foot of service is direct  service. These are works of mercy that include direct  volunteer work such as working in food and clothing  centers, visiting with the elderly, tutoring children  or contributing to known worthy causes. These are  some categories where families can contribute their  time and efforts. And there are many more. But how  can families get off the dime. Families need to start  somewhere. Locally people can help at the Open Door,  the Cape Ann Food pantry. They can contact Cape Ann  Families to look for opportunities to help. Schools  need people to help tutor and read to children, or  you can contact your town’s Senior Services to help  with the elderly. If you want a more worldly area  to contribute, sponsor a child at the orphanage in  Honduras. Check the website at www.nphhonduras.org.  If you want to contribute to the orphanage you can use  the website or contact me. Look into other world wide  organizations such as OXFAM, Doctors Without Borders,  or Habitat for Humanity. No matter where your efforts  take you, make sure your kids know what you’re doing  and where you are helping and why.

Even in small ways, families working together can help  develop a society of Givers and decrease our society of  Getters.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen, Values and Morals

Expectations For Our Teens (Parenting Teens Part III)

Do you expect anything from your teen? Do they have chores?

Parents are used to setting limits for their teenagers.  “No you can’t go out tonight. You have too much to do at home!”

How can any parent expect their child to achieve anything  if you aren’t clear with what you expect? I have witnessed this  question in action many times. When discussing school grades I  often hear parents tell me that their son or daughter does  “fine” in school. When I inquire further I discover that barely  passing is acceptable to that parent. If I ask if their child  could do better, invariably the parent says “sure, if he only  applied himself.” It is hard to press a parent further but I  often wonder in my head “why don’t you expect him to do better  and apply himself?”

It is an unwritten law of teen parenting; children will  rise to the level of their parents’ expectations. (Of course  there are some conditions – realistic expectations, good mental  health, organizational skills, etc).

Realistic expectations are a sign of respect towards your  children. They tell your child that you think so much of them  that you think they can achieve. That is powerful to these kids  who are going through so much internal questioning. “My mom and  dad think I can make it through college.” Kids internalize  these messages and sense a positive image of their skills.

These are some prerequisites for parents to set proper  expectations. Parents need to recognize their children for who  they are. They need to fairly assess their skills. They need  to respect them for their abilities and compliment them. Then  parents can help children set some short and long term goals.  Parents and kids should reassess these goals periodically.  Monitor progress. Then back off when they are achieving well  and taking ownership for their own accomplishments. Keep  witnessing their progress and keep the complements coming.

This kind of system helps guide teens in setting and  holding expectations for themselves. They attain more skills  over time. In the area of expectations, if you do you job, they  will do theirs.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen, Values and Morals

Discussions Over Sex (Parenting Your Teen Part IV)

Perhaps the hardest part of parenting teens is discussing sexuality issues. Traditionally it is thought that parents  should have one “birds and bees” discussion with their teenager.

Forget “the talk”. There are many opportunities today to  discuss sex and your ethics about sexual issues. We have a  plethora of sexual exposures. We have news about sex and its results – pregnancy. Do I need to mention any stars who are or  were pregnant? Every movie portrays sex. Do you discuss this  with your kids? Many movies portray sex scenes without thought  of protection or safety. Do you mention your opinions on that?

Many media outlets portray sex too casually. Do you talk  about sex with intimacy to your kids?

There really is no excuse. We actually have a bombardment  of sex on TV, movies, and magazines. We must take opportunities  to tell kids quickly and freely how we feel about what we are  seeing. This is how kids learn about our sexual morals.

Sexuality is a personal choice that kids hide for a long  time. They need to develop their own feelings about sex and we,  as parents, need to respect their process of sexuality  development. Parents also should respect the options each  person has for sexual decisions and preferences. However,  discussions about safety, waiting, consequences and dangers of  sex should be open game from early adolescence on.

Our media, TV and movies provide us ample opportunity for  short bursts of discussions about consequences and safety. Take  those opportunities. Feel comfortable. Relax. You know the  issues. They do not. Throw out thoughts and opinions matter of  factly. This openness will serve you well over time. Imagine  if all kids heard messages from their parents consistently  through teen years about waiting as long as possible, being safe  when you start having sex, using protection, being respectful to  your partner, and being aware of the consequences and dangers.  The result of these messages heard from home is a population of  teens who initiate sex later, have fewer partners, and have  fewer pregnancies. What group of parents wouldn’t want that?

Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Creating A Peaceful Home

Everyday we receive reminders that we are at war. Pictures from Iraq are on TV every night. Violent events  in our cities are reported daily as well. Movies and  television shows add to the climate by making us believe  that violence is more prevalent than it really is. There  is a picture of violence shown on TV every few seconds.  New video games display graphic scenes of shooting and  killing. With the pervasive onslaught of violence, how can  parents maintain a peaceful home?

We need to step back for one moment and realize that  exposure to violence has affects on our children. Children  who witness violence are less secure and more violent than  those who do not. Many will become desensitized to  violence. This means they are more accepting of violence  they may witness at school and sports events. They may be  less likely to intercede to stop violence that they  witness. Children can become unable to solve problems  without violence. Many can suffer bad dreams and fears  about school. Some kids bully others and other kids get  bullied. These are real reasons to work for a more  peaceful home.

To make our homes peaceful, we need to recognize that  violence is marketed to us. It sells. It is easy to play  on peoples fears. Fear is a powerful emotion. We need to  recognize how powerful an influence this is in our society  and take steps to fight it.

Families need to turn off and tune out of TV and  computer sites that exploit violence. Keep kids away from  adult material on TV and in movies. Don’t buy guns, swords  or other violently focused toys and games. If you have  violent toys and games, give them up. Some groups organize  toy gun disposal projects. Turn off violent music.  Institute quiet times at home and play peaceful music.

Get outside and see nature. Nature’s beauty is a  strong antidote to killings on TV. Create and build. Art  and construction projects build up rather than tear down.

Let’s all boycott violent shows, movies and news  reports. Maybe the marketers will change their focus.

If you have witnessed real violence seek help. Real  violence shocks our system. We may accept it more when it  happens to others, but it is shocking when it happens to  us. Post traumatic stress disorder is common after  involvement in a violent event.

Be aware of what is happening at your school. Schools  are dealing with more fights and bullying then ever before.  Know your school’s policies on bullying. If you suspect it  happening to your child, contact the guidance office.

Violence is happening all around us –mostly  transmitted to us through the media. Families can work on  stopping violence starting with decreasing exposure on TV  and computers. Talk about the violence you see in movies.  Express to your children how you feel about violence and  how you expect them to behave in threatening situations.  Using some of the ideas presented here and some of your own  creativity, you can raise an aware child in your peaceful  home environment.

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

Conflict Resolution For Children

Your kids are settled into play with Legos. Everything is peaceful. You think it may be time to sneak away to grab a cup  of coffee and read some of the morning paper. Before you take  your first sip you hear it start:

“I had it first!”

“Well, it’s mine!”

Then all hell breaks loose. Before you reach the scene,  Legos are thrown and your two children are in a rumble. Why is  it that kids can’t get along for five minutes? Why are they  always in conflict?

It’s natural for parents to want a peaceful home. Part of  that expectation includes having our children acting peacefully  toward each other. But this is just an unreasonable expectation  because there will be conflict. But there is a better way to  approach it, and I say this based on personal experience. I  want a peaceful one, too. I remember trying to extinguish any  conflict and wondering why it didn’t work. I found myself  waiting for the conflict and ready to pounce when it started.  What I created was an environment where conflict was expected  and my kids expected me to work things out for them. Over time,  I have figured out a new approach that works better for everyone.

What I learned was that it was natural for children in a  family to have conflict. Just by the nature of being siblings,  they are in competition with each other. At the very least,  they will compete for their parents’ attention. Because of that  competition, they will naturally try to bring you into their  conflicts to see who wins your approval and who loses.

However, this is one arena where we should avoid giving our  children attention. In effect, they want us involved in their  conflict, but we need to work at staying out of it. Here’s how:

  1. Expect conflict. Siblings will get into battles. If we  work to keep them out of conflict altogether, we teach them  nothing about solving conflict and we remain in a role as  “warden.”
  2. Set up rules for their battles. Kids can learn to settle  their battles over time if given the right guidelines. For  starters, tell them there will be no hitting, no biting,  and no throwing things at people and to use inside voices.  Add your own rules and let kids add some, too. Post them  on the refrigerator so they are known to all.
  3. You get involved only when rules are broke. When you  intercede, only refer to the rule that was broken. Don’t  get involved with the content of the battle. “Well, he  took my Lego and threw it. Then he…” You’ll never get the  real story.
  4. Never take sides. Parents tend to side with the younger  child. The younger child can learn this and use it to  provoke a fight to get their way. It will make more sense  and be a lot easier if you break up fights based on the  rules of engagement you have posted on your refrigerator.
  5. When rules are broken. Separate your children. Remove them  or remove the toys. Neither child should “win” the object  of the fight.
  6. Be careful. Remember, they can be tricky in attempts to  get you involved in the conflict. “But he hurt my toe, see  it’s bleeding” (there’s no visible blood). Unless someone  is truly visibly hurt, don’t buy into it.
  7. If you witness a crime, deal with the offender. If one  child does hit another while you happen to pass by, you  need to punish what you saw. All the other rules listed  above are in effect particularly for events you don’t  witness.

Following the above guidelines will help you begin a new  life free of owning your children’s conflict.

Eventually, your children will learn conflict resolution if  they have any desire to play with each other, which most kids  do. Instead of protecting a younger child, monitoring  playtime and being a referee, you will be the keeper of the  refrigerator rules. It will remove you from the emotions of  the conflicts and allow your kids to learn to resolve things  on their own.

Just think, you may be on your way to a more peaceful home.

Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

A Message To Grandparents

As a pediatrician it is not unusual for me to hear from grandparents about parents today. “They spoil their kids so much. I can’t believe what I see. Back when I was  raising my kids if they spoke to me the way that kids speak to their parents today, I’d  give them a good pat on their bottom. Boy when I was growing up I would never speak  to my father or mother that way. We were a lot stricter back then.” Those grandparents  are absolutely correct. But you must understand the cultural context – Parenting is harder today.

Today most families need both parents working to make ends meet. There are  also more single parent families then ever before largely due to the pressures of family  living. There is a constant barrage from TV and the internet telling families what they  need to have. Much of the force of this barrage is directed toward children. Advertising  to children has reached epidemic levels. There are more products made for kids then  ever before. Meanwhile, due to work lives, families spend less time together and kids  spend more time watching TV or surfing the net. Not all of this is under the parents’  control! So what can grandparents do?

Grandparents, today, play an important supportive role for the families of their  children and grandchildren. As our world has changed, so has the role for grandparents.  Traditionally grandparents were the ones who had the right to spoil their grandchildren.  But today, I can guarantee you your grandkids can be spoiled very well without you!  Grandparents should aim to simplify their spoiling of their grandchildren. Emphasize  spending time playing with your grandchildren. My grandfather played checkers with  me every time he came over. What game will your grandchildren remember playing with  you? Have games at your house that they like to play.

Encourage a simple life at your house. Cut out the TV. Go for walks, cook, or do  projects they like. A real treat for grandchildren is to have the grandparent’s house  different from their house.

Decrease the treats at your house. Cook and eat healthy meals. One of the  biggest ways kids are spoiled today is with food. Food advertising has had the biggest  influence on children and their diets. The traditional role of spoiling grandkids with ice  cream and treats needs to be modified in this era of childhood obesity. I remember going  to my aunt and uncle’s house where they always had ripe bananas – and that was my  “treat”.

One of the biggest areas where grandparents can help their children parent is with  discipline. Discipline today is different and kids are suffering due to the lack of it.  Today parents cannot threaten or use corporal punishment. The issue of abuse has  changed our society permanently (and that is good). As a result parents are at a loss  today. If you had an authoritative style when you raised your kids, you may have to learn  a new style to help your children parent your grandkids. No matter what, support your  children’s parenting styles. Help your kids to say “no” to their kids. Don’t undermine  them by saying “yes” behind their backs. Without corporal punishment, isolation and  ignoring children needs to be done at times. Support your kids in using techniques such  as “Time Out”.

Extended family is a value to families today. Grandparents provide daycare,  meals, experience and family history to their grandchildren. But today’s parents are in  crisis. “Two popular shows, Nanny 911 and Supernanny, demonstrate the general need  for parenting advice. You, grandparents, have a history of parenting. Yet, you, too, have  to learn to adjust your style of parenting and grandparenting to today’s world. There are  new challenges that you didn’t need to face. The overall challenge to parents and  grandparents is to learn how to raise kids who are generous, healthy, and educated  instead of what society is promoting – self-centeredness, poor physical health, and  constant entertainment.

Behavior, Community, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Values and Morals

4 Kindnesses Everyday

Families need to teach values. I am not talking the “family values” that politicians speak about but don’t carry out  themselves. I am talking about values that families show by how  they live. How we carry ourselves and act in our daily life  demonstrates the true values we have. If you aren’t showing  enough value in your life, this is a call to action. We teach  values by how we live so I have a suggestion for families.

Imagine if all family members tried to reach a goal of four  kindnesses a day. I believe we would make great changes in our  culture if all families strived for this. Our culture pushes  self-centered individualism. Events in our world necessitate a  change in this attitude in America. We can change this attitude  just by changing actions in our homes.

So let’s talk about the four kindnesses. We can start with  ourselves. We can start each day with a kindness to ourselves.  I don’t want to foster more self-centeredness. But I do think  it is important to do something positive for oneself everyday.  Do something healthy. Ten minutes more exercise. Eat an extra  piece of fruit. Don’t spoil yourself in a negative way. But  show yourself some kindness. By showing our kids respect for  self we teach them that we value our bodies and souls.

The second kindness gets us out of oneself but stays in the  family. Do an act of kindness for a family member. This does  not mean you need to be cruel to other family members. “I can  only be kind to one family member today and today isn’t your day  so get outta my face.” This is not the right spirit. Our  kindness theme should spread and not be limited. But for  starters, do something kind for a sibling, your mother, your  daughter, son or husband. They don’t even have to know it.  Perhaps they don’t see it or acknowledge it. But you know you  did something nice.

Next, move outside the family. Complement a friend. Talk  to the cashier at the supermarket. Somehow, someway brighten  the day of someone you see. Again, don’t look for appreciation  or acknowledgement. Just do it. People might think you’re  crazy. But my hope is we all turn crazy in this way. Finally, do something positive for the world community.  Walk more, drive less. Pick up some litter. Donate some  clothes. Write a letter to an orphan in a third world country.  (Check out www.NPHHonduras.org) Support a process of change in  politics. Join a campaign!

I wish the world were better. And so do you. And this  will help. Four kindnesses a day – self, family, neighbor,  world. Imagine. We can all do this. It really isn’t asking a  lot. Spread the word. Clip this article and send it along.  Copy it for everyone at work. I promise some extra smiles and  more joy in your life. Start today! (By the way, what do you  think your kids will learn from this?)