Category Archives: Age Group

Baby, Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Toddler

The Attention Control Game

It often seems that as I grow as a parent that I move from one trap to another. Things may be smooth for a while but then with one child or another I find myself involved with  a behavior that I don’t want but repeatedly seem to get into with my child. This behavior  might be something that only I get. Or when I bring it up to my spouse I may find that  she is dealing with it too. At some point I realize that this behavior is driving me crazy. I  realize my child knows “how to push my buttons” again. It could be tantrums, whining,  arguing, or other noxious behaviors that I don’t want. Yet, the more I respond to it the  more often I seem to yield that behavior from my child. How do I fall into these traps?

All parents fall into traps through what I call the “Attention – Control Game”. Other  parents tell me how their children know “how to push their buttons” too. Almost  all behaviors that “push our buttons” fall within this attention – control game. To  understand this game I divide children’s behaviors into four categories.

The first behavior category is one done just for attention. We all know how children seek  and need this vital resource. In fact it is important for children to get a lot of attention to  support the positive attributes they have. We need to give our children attention in order  to demonstrate their importance to us and to build their ego so they gain knowledge about  the good things they are able to do. Giving positive attention to our children is as vital a  role for us as it is a vital need for them.

The second category of behavior is one done just for control. These are behaviors that  kids do to control us or our response. It may be as simple as a long “please” and sappy  eyes just to get something at a store. But if it works to control us it provides them a  benefit beyond getting a candy. Kids need to have more control over time. They need  the sense of power to help support their budding egos. They need to know that they have  the power to control things for themselves in order to build confidence for encountering  the world outside our family.

A third set of behaviors that are important to children are ones that yield no attention or  control from a parent. Why are these important? These are self-sufficient behaviors.  These are things such as a child who spends hours on a drawing or a child who builds  with legos for a whole morning. These are behaviors that the child is drawn to from their  inner being. These flow from talents, skills, and areas of interest the child has and for a  large part doesn’t need the reinforcement that a parent’s attention can bring. We want  our children to discover these talents and skills. They need the opportunity to use them.  The self-fulfillment becomes reinforcement enough. And the child comes to value the  part of them that has that particular skill.

The last category of behavior is the one that traps us. All behavior that drives us crazy  falls into the category that gives the child attention and controls us. These behaviors are  often negative. They serve no logical use for the child. But regardless these negative  behaviors never change so long as the child gets attention for the behavior and controls  the parent’s response. It is this category that I emphasize whenever parents talk to me  about behaviors that are bothering them. Understanding this phenomenon of attention  and control is crucial in order to change our response and get out of negative behavior  traps.

Whether it is temper tantrums, refusal to go to bed, whining, or any other negative  behavior, if a parent can understand their response and how it reinforces the child’s  behavior, parents can then change their response and modify the child’s behavior  overtime.

In order to rid your house of negative behavior, three steps need to be taken.

1) The parent needs to ask how he (she) gives the behavior (such as temper  tantrums) attention.

2) The parent needs to understand how this behavior controls the parent’s  response. How does the behavior control you?

3) And finally the parent needs to make a conscious decision to control their  own reaction to a behavior and not give the child any attention for the negative  behavior.

If done correctly the parent can watch that behavior slowly disappear. And they will  be prepared for the next behavior that will drive them nuts when it inevitably appears.  Because our kids know how to push our buttons, it won’t be long before we fall into the  trap once again.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Values and Morals

Weathering The Pre-Teen Tirade

Your once compliant and loving daughter suddenly becomes  your worst critic. From the hats you wear to the way you drive  to how forgetful you are, you cannot catch a break from your  twelve-year-old expert in everything. What has brought on this  reign of terror from your lovely daughter? She’s wonderful to  her friends. She’s a teacher’s dream. Other parents love her.  But all you get is criticism. No, you can’t sell her to another family. But you can do something.

There is a stage in young teens where they begin to  question. They have heard your values. They have seen the way  you treat people and now as they approach early adolescence they  begin to question. They may often directly confront you about  some of your values. “Dad, you say we should help the poor but  you just walked past that guy who asked you for a dollar.  You’re just being a hypocrite!” Those direct challenges may be  answered rationally. But what about all the other opinions they  throw at you.

The first thing to recognize is that this state of  questioning is normal. Part of questioning the world, your  actions, and your values is to criticize. It really isn’t meant  to be a personal affront. It comes across that way but it is  not.

The time of early adolescence is a dramatic time of change.

To weather this time parents have to develop a tough skin.  Have confidence in your values and stand by them. “I do give to  the poor – more than you know, dear – but now was not one of  those times.” Don’t defend yourself too strongly. Show pride  in yourself and what you stand for. Take their criticism with  your head held high. It is more powerful to your kids that you  cannot be shaken by their challenges. This may be what they are  really looking for. Seeing you stand firm gives your kids a  stronger basis for the further challenges that lie ahead in  their teen years. They see your pride in yourself and may be  able to model that for themselves when others challenge them.

So don’t take it personally. Your young teen needs to  challenge and test you. Hold your head high even if your child  doesn’t want to be seen with you anymore. Keep your chin up  even if your twelve or thirteen year old thinks you’re a dweeb.  This is only a test, and how you pass it provides a stronger  base for their later challenges.

Community, Cultural Influences, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Values and Morals

Teaching Our Kids About War’s Horrible Images

I have watched with too much interest at the images coming from Iraq. In fact, my sleep has been disturbed by the horrible images that we all have seen. At one point, I stopped reading the paper and started avoiding the news as if not witnessing it makes the horror go away. It doesn’t. But while I rested better, I turned to a new concern. What are we teaching our kids about these events?

There has been enormous interest in the war events. We receive daily front page reports and, now, horrible images about torture and abuse. The high level of interest may be misinterpreted by kids. They may think since these events hold our interest that they are worthy of their interest too. There can be further confusion in our criticism and discussion of the events. Our kids want us to “win” the war. They want our side to be the “good guys”. How could it be that our “good guys” are doing bad things? Even as adults, many of us try to rationalize these horrors by explanations such as “a few bad apples” or “lack of training”. No matter how we look at it, these images coming from Iraq make the war more real for us and for our kids. Since our children see many unreal images of war through video games and movies, we must take this opportunity to be honest and clear to our older children about the realities of war (younger children should be shielded from these horrible images). Here are some samples of questions and answers for parents to use with their older kids.

(child) Mom, is it good that we are fighting this war?

(parent) War hurts a lot of people. Many people die. War is never good.

(child) Why are we fighting this war anyway?

(parent) We thought we were getting rid of a bad man who was hiding weapons. We did get rid of the bad man but we didn’t find any weapons.

(child) Why can’t we stop this war then?

(parent) Well, this is an important lesson for all of us. Wars are easy to start but very hard to end. Many people get angry with war so it is hard to bring back the peace.

(child) Why did our soldiers do those nasty things to those people?

(parent) Behavior like that is hard to explain. Many  people all over the world are upset with that  behavior. We should never treat people like animals the way our soldiers did. That behavior was inexcusable and will be punished.

(child) Well, their bad man Saddam Hussein did worse than that. So, our guys are still the good guys, right?

(parent) A majority of our soldiers are good people trying to do the right thing. Most of our soldiers are good and shouldn’t be blamed for those bad things. But the way those soldiers treated those prisoners can not be excused.

(child) Well, I just hope we win this war.

(parent) I’m sure we are going to be safe. War is not good for anyone.

Our children should not hear rationalizations or false statements. We should all know by now that false statements do not justify aggressive action anywhere – not on the playground – not in international affairs. We need to be honest with ourselves and our kids about this war in order for the next generation to learn what is right. Expressing distaste, sadness and even anger at improper events are important for us to teach moral lessons to our children.

Our kids have heard enough falsehoods. They play with unreal games. They see make believe wars on TV and in movies. Now with these real images of war coming at us, they need to hear the truth and have it put in honest moral and ethical context. War is not a fun game to play.  And I, too, hope it ends soon.

Baby, Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Toddler

Taming The Tantrums

So you are in the checkout line at the supermarket and your toddler wants one of those colorful candies. You’ve been out doing errands and the supermarket is your last stop. Your son has been great up to now. He’s been a trooper as you dragged him from errand to errand. But now, as dinnertime approaches, he has reached his limit. You say no to the candy and here comes his full fledged fit. He wheels back his head, screeches out and starts flailing his arms and legs. He’s thrown himself into one of his best tantrums. Oh how you wish this behavior would go away. It is just so embarrassing, especially in public. How are you supposed to deal with a tantruming child in a supermarket as (it seems) half the world looks on? Should you give him the candy? Offer something else? Just ignore him? If I ignore him, won’t other people think I am a bad parent?

In order to deal with tantrums, parents need to understand why children have tantrums in the first place. Most children go through periods of “trial and error” behavior. They try a behavior because they didn’t get their way. Many different behaviors develop in this way; for example, temper tantrums, breath holding spells, head banging, pulling their own hair, and even whining. There really isn’t a rational reason for their behavior except that they are frustrated and act out for attention because of that frustration.

So if tantrums are due to “trial and error” behavior why do they repeatedly occur? First of all, children have short memories. They may not get anything from one tantrum but because of a short memory they try it again another time. It takes a child a long time to really remember that a behavior doesn’t yield him anything. The other reason why the behavior comes back is that the child gains something from the behavior. Children can become the center of attention during a temper tantrum. At the same time they can be in control of the responses they are getting from people. The attention they get and the control they have can make a tantrum a powerful tool for a young child.

So how should parents response to a tantrum? Here are some rules to follow:

1. Remember that this behavior is just “trial and error” behavior. In your child’s mind they are saying – “if I try this fit what happens?” That is why if they get no real response from their action, they will try some other behavior instead – eventually!

2. Remember the struggle for attention and control. Getting attention for a behavior and being able to control other people’s responses are rewarding actions for children. Don’t reward tantrums by giving them attention or letting them control you by getting under your skin.

3. Children have short memories. If you don’t give attention to a tantrum and another tantrum occurs within the same week, don’t be discouraged. For most families it takes months for tantrums to decrease in frequency. Children continue with their “trial and error” behavior for a while to be sure they aren’t getting a result. This is especially true when a parent is changing their approach from one of giving attention to a tantrum to taking attention away.

4. Remember that a child’s behavior is theirs – not yours. Many parents in public places feel like their child’s behavior is the parent’s responsibility. But that is absolutely false. Only the response to the child’s behavior is the parent’s responsibility. The behavior should be owned by the child not by the parent.

5. Safety first. Your child won’t look out for his/her safety while having a fit. Make sure they are in a safe place to have their fit before you decrease your attention to them.

6. Finally, everyone who cares for your child needs to treat tantrums the same way. If children receive benefits from tantrums anywhere you are more likely to see the behavior again.

So back at the supermarket, the poor parent with the tantruming toddler needs to ignore her child and finish the task at hand. The parent needs to get out of the store as quickly and calmly as possible. And during the ride home the tantrum will go away. And that parent will be ready to succeed when the next tantrum blossoms from their child again. Hopefully others who witness scenes like these will have greater understanding and empathy towards the parents who are trying to tame their toddler’s tantrums.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen

Talking To Your Teen? Try Writing!

Many books recommend talking to your teen. Have you  tried doing that? First of all, family life is so busy  that having a settled moment to talk is hard to find.  Second, if your teen will break himself or herself for a  moment from his ipod, cell phone, or computer, it is  usually just to “yes” you or roll their eyes at you. But a  new way of communicating might be an old way. Try writing.

Little notes can be left on the door of their room, on  their backpack or on their pillows. We can use “post-its”  for little reminders and for prodding to get chores done.  But those big conversations we would love to have might  take something else called a letter. Have you ever thought  of putting down on paper any concerns you have about your  teen son or daughter? Have you thought about writing a  letter to your teen about how much you love them and care  for them? Maybe it’s time to try it. Here is what you  might want to say.

Dear son or daughter. I care for you so much that I  worry about you. I want so much for you that I think more about your future then you do. I understand that you are  growing and maturing at your own rate. And I also  understand that I want you to mature faster than you are  ready. This puts us at odds and causes us to argue at  times. Anytime I say something, you take it as pressure  even when I am talking with concern for you.

You need to understand that it is hard to be a parent  of a teenager. I still remember rocking you to sleep,  catching you from falling, and holding your hand to cross  the street. I’ve saved your life at least 100 times and  now you don’t want me to anymore. You want to try  everything yourself. I understand that but it is hard for me.

You see, I can see your potential but I also know the  dangers you face. Yes, I know they have talked about drugs  and sex and smoking at school. But now there are new drugs  like Ecstasy, new sex they call “hooking up” and “friends  with benefits”, and new risks like gambling that aren’t  covered in school. In fact, risks are taken by teens  whether they are covered in school or not. Almost weekly  teens die in car accidents caused by the same old drug I  used – alcohol. Shrines go up by the roadsides and I pray  I won’t be putting one up for you. Even “good” kids make  mistakes. And now, at your age, mistakes have big  consequences. So while I worry, you roll your eyes and  feel invincible. Nothing is going to happen to you, of  course. Yet things do happen – even to football captains,  even to “A” students, even to popular kids or unpopular  kids.

So I want to ask you to think about some things.  First and foremost know that I love you and care a whole  lot about you and your life. You are special to me and it  would be torture to live the rest of my life without you.  I don’t always tell you these things because of the way you  might respond. And our family life is often too busy to  stop and tell each other these facts. So we live on with  assumptions only. But if you are to assume one thing,  assume that I would still hold your hand or catch you from  falling – I still care that much about you.

With that as your first assumption, then when you are  exerting your independence and want to take some risks,  take small risks. Take care of yourself. Be safe – not  because something will happen to you – but because there  are people caring about you.

Take your time setting your goals – but set them. I  don’t value you for nothing. I can see your budding  skills. Set a course for your life that uses your skills.  Value yourself and do well. Certainly I will be proud but  I will also know that your achievements are yours alone and  not mine to claim.

There may be areas where I have been a less than  perfect parent. Maybe I yelled at you to much. Or maybe I  hurt your feelings by being overly critical. Please  forgive me!! You won’t see how difficult it is to be a  parent for years to come. But it is easy to make mistakes  when your motivation is protecting, encouraging, and  motivating someone you love.

Finally, I will work hard at supporting you. I do  recognize that everyone makes mistakes. You will too. I  will be there to help you recover from your mistakes. It  might be hard for us at the beginning. I’ll try not to  lecture or say “I told you so”. I will try to remember  that you have to try things out for yourself. But if you  are not seeing your own value and caring enough for  yourself, I will be angry because I want you to value  yourself as much as I value you.

There! I said what I wanted to say. I have a lot  more to say – like don’t drink and drive, don’t smoke, be  careful with sex, don’t get hooked on gambling, those new  drugs are not safe and . . . but those things you have  heard before. And I have to let go a little. And I might  have to trust that because I value you, you might value  yourself. Take care. Love Mom or Dad or both.

Don’t let me put words on your paper for you. Write  your own letter. Personalize it to your child and any  specific concerns you have. Put it in a private place but  make sure they read it. And find a moment to ask them  about it. Teens can be difficult to communicate with. We  need to use all avenues available to us to make sure we say  what we need to say.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen, Toddler

Stop Whining

So the kids are home from school. You got them a  snack. And after a moments peace, the whining starts.  “I’m bored. There’s nothing to do. Can I watch TV? But I  don’t want to do my homework.” It isn’t the phrases used  that bother us as much as the squeaky, whiny voices that  say them. Why is it that kids whine so much? And how can  we stop it?

There is a funny thing about kids’ voices. Some  voices used at home are never used with teachers or  coaches. But those irritating voices are saved by children  to use for their parents only.

How do kids know to do that? Do children know that  their teachers and coaches wouldn’t respond to those voices?

Children get a lot of things from whining. They get  their parent’s attention. They get to control the  situation and their parent’s response. And most of all,  they get what they want – at least half of the time.

So even though it isn’t easy to listen to, you can get  rid of whining pretty easily. First, a child should never,  ever get anything they want by whining. Second, parents  should treat whining like a foreign language they don’t  understand. Third ignore your child for a time for every  instance of whining. One could simply say “I don’t  understand that voice” and turn away. Only deal with  children who are talking normally. Those whiners will  catch on. Make it clear to them that you can’t understand  whining voices, inform them that they need to use normal  voices, ignore them a while when they whine, and you will  see whining disappear in your house.

Whining can be viewed as similar to a temper tantrum.  Just like a temper tantrum, we can see whining more  frequently in times of stress, hunger, or fatigue.  Nevertheless, just like a temper tantrum, whining should  not be responded to and should be absolutely ignored. With  those tantrums and whining gone, you’ll be on your way to  having a more pleasant household.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Toddler

Saying No To Our Kids

Our children are facing an unprecedented number of  choices, most of which are for things they don’t need.  Billions of dollars are spent to appeal to your children  and make them want something that you have to buy. It  makes me think of two questions for parents today. Are you  able to go to the store with your children and not get them  anything they say they want? Do you have unused toys  stuffed into containers at home but your kids still want  more? The answers shouldn’t come as any surprise to us  when we realize how many things are thrust upon our  children through various forms of advertising. You can see  the results of this in our communities where scooters that  were a must for all kids years ago lay dormant in garages.  Why can’t we say no to our kids? Why do our kids need to  have “what everyone else has”?

I have heard explanations from parents such as “well I  don’t want to disappoint him”. Or, “I didn’t have stuff  when I was a kid and I want it to be better for them”. But  if we don’t disappoint our children, when do they learn  disappointment? When do they learn to deal with emotions  around disappointment? When will we learn to face their  feelings of disappointment and not need to “make it up to  them”? If we step back for a moment and look at the  process of saying “no” to our kids we may learn a new  approach to this issue.

The first part of the process is the request. Your  child will ask you for something he or she wants. The  second part is a time of thought – you have to decide yes  or no. Take a moment at this point in the process because  once you decide, there is no going back! “Yes” is always  easier and is certainly ok at times. “No” is harder  because when we say “no” we can expect argument, emotion  and behavior. It is dealing with these three factors in  the process that makes it hard for parents to say “no”. Here’s how to deal with these three factors.

If you think about your decision well enough then  don’t get into an argument. No, means no! Just keep  saying no. Then comes the emotion and the behavior.  Emotion needs understanding. (I know that disappoints you,  I’m sorry about that) and behavior (that means acting out,  crying, tantrums or other kinds of fits) deserve a cold  shoulder no matter how embarrassing!

Using this system our kids learn over time to deal  with disappointment. They ask for less and they turn out  fine – perhaps better than kids who expect to get  everything.

I have seen kids in third world countries such as  Honduras play and interact with a lot less than our kids  have. In our country where we have so much, perhaps all  parents should work on disappointing their kids more. At  the same time if we give our time or resources to good  causes, our kids can learn that it isn’t all about them and  what they get. It is about all of us getting and learning  what we need.

Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen, Toddler

Raising A Wonderful Child

Much of the parenting advice that comes from  pediatricians and psychologists is directed towards fixing  negative behaviors. But what about those parents who have  a wonderful child. They do exist. Those kids are self  motivated, do well in school and rarely need correction.  Those parents deserve advice too. Wonderful children are a  blessing but they need their parents’ guidance too.

There are challenges in raising wonderful children. It is easy to become complacent about them while  we are busy with other concerns. They are usually self  sufficient so it is easy to forget about them. You still  have responsibility in raising your wonderfully easy child.

When a friend pays a compliment about them, make sure they hear it. It is their compliment not yours. Don’t  over correct them just to keep them from being “too big for  their britches”. Wonderful children take little corrections  to heart. You can trust in the fact that they want to  please.

Instead, challenge your achiever. Show them the struggles we face in our society and our world. You  shouldn’t let them grow up believing everything will come  easy to them. There are always more things to achieve for  children, adolescents and adults.

Work towards continuous improvement in yourself. Our achieving youth need good role models and that starts  at home. If they see you working to improve yourself, they  will see value in improving themselves.

Many good people have gone before us. Read to them or  have them read about great people and their achievements.  They need idols like Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson  Mandela, Anne Sullivan and Mother Theresa.

Pose questions to them; let them come up with  solutions. This keeps them thinking and develops their  creativity. Show them ways to contribute through  volunteering. Let them come up with ways to help out  others. Our wonderful children may be able to make our  world better in the future if they are made aware of  challenges we face today.

Expand their skills. Have your young wonder child try  things that don’t come easy – a musical instrument or a  team sport. Some great kids take the easy route by staying  in their comfort zone. But with new challenges, new skills  may be discovered.

Whatever you do with your wonderful child, don’t take  them for granted. Praise them. Show them you are proud of  them. Recognize their skills and talents. Let them hear  you brag about them even if they moan “oh mom”. They need  to know how you feel about them and that you value who they  are. Through your appreciation of them they will learn how  to appreciate themselves and others.

Wonderful children are easy. They are blessings. But  we need to remember they need parenting as well.

Behavior, Cultural Influences, Teen

Providing A Good Base Parenting Teens Part II

To parent teens well, we must start with a good base. Remember, teens rebel. They question. They explore. But by  late teen years they often return to the moral base their family  gave them. That moral base is what we give kids in their first  twelve years. How do we give them that base?

As kids grow we battle them over many issues. Can they  have a sleepover? Are the other parents aware? Will they be  home? That seems like a simple scenario. But as a parent you  know there are many scenarios like that one where we have to  face our children and make decisions for them. In all these  battles and decisions there are lessons. How much freedom do we  allow? How much trust has our child earned? How much respect  do we have for them? These questions are answered in our  decisions. And kids learn to earn respect and trust over time.

Many times kids need corrections for breaking rules and  breaking truth. Consequences need to be carried out so kids  learn limits. It is normal to have these events. We just need  to face them appropriately and justly.

Through these everyday decisions our kids learn about right  and wrong, and about what is safe and unsafe. This gives  children a basic morality that serves as their base for entering  the stormy teen years.

Parents need to set rules, have consequences, and say “no”  to their kids freewheeling desires. Many parents feel guilty  about setting limits. “Well, it seems like I am the only parent  worried about allowing this.” Rest assured. You are not.

Rules and limits show children we care about them. We want  them safe. We care about their health. We are trying to  protect them. Even if kids don’t like it, they at least  appreciate that you care.

One other important piece about providing a base for kids  for their teen years, parents need to recognize their children  for their skills and accomplishments. This recognition gives a  child a sense of what they are good at. Parents must recognize  and praise their children’s true skills. Combine this sense of  accomplishment and skill with ideas of safety and right and  wrong, and you have a child who has a solid base to start his  teen experiment.

Behavior, Community, Cultural Influences, Family, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen

Positive Influences Help Us Parent Our Teens

When I do workshops for parents of teenagers I see many shaking heads when I say, “it is a  tough time to be a teenager!” Everyone in the audience recognizes this statement as fact. Few adults  can picture growing up as a teen now. School demands are higher. It is harder to get into college.  College costs add a burden. A high school diploma doesn’t help your career very much. And now,  with the economic crisis, the future looks tougher still. There is only one thing tougher than being a  teenager, and that is being a parent of one!

Teens are exposed to so much so early that they seem to be growing up too fast. The media’s  influence on our teens has never been greater. Movies and TV shows push our teens to be older than  they are. We know the risks that they may encounter but it seems that they do not. We worry for them.  And the freedoms that they demand from us so early make it difficult for us to stay in control. How are  we to parent our teens today? Where else can we turn?

We need to give our kids freedom but it should be a chaperoned freedom. We, the parents do much  of the chaperoning. There is no way around conceding control to other chaperones in the care of  our teens. Teachers, coaches, dance instructors, and other parent surrogates take on our roles as  leaders for our children. This is obvious but when put in this context it sounds scary. As parents, we  don’t want to give up this role to others. Yet, it is not only part of the natural process of separation but  important for our kids to be influenced by outside forces. How could this be?

Our teens go through a period of questioning everything you, their parents, stand for. They  learned your values and your rules for more than twelve years. Teen years is a time for questioning  and, yes, experimentation. Teens try things on for themselves and don’t necessarily do this with  parental consent! Here is where outside influences come in.

Many years ago there was a study that showed that teens that succeeded were often inspired  by an “influential adult”. This was an adult outside the teen’s family that helped to inspire that teen to  achieve something because of the relationship he or she had with that teen. That adult often saw a  skill or a talent in that teen that just needed a little push. That influential adult could be a history  teacher, a baseball coach, or a ballet instructor. This influence helps build a foundation of ego and  confidence in that teenager. It is incredibly powerful for a teen to be recognized by someone other  than a biased parent. No matter what skill was inspired or what adult inspired it, the fact that the teen  was influenced well by someone outside the family is the point. It takes some swallowing of pride for  parents to accept this but it is necessary to realize that it very well may take a village to raise your  teen. Sometimes effective parenting is finding the right supports for your children.

In a recent meeting at Sandra Marie’s School of Ballet, I stated that the school was an  important influence on our young girls and the young men who are lucky enough to belong to this  supportive group of teachers. If you think about the negative influences our kids face, it is scary.  Think about our kids who dance and what their young lives would have been like if they did not have  an avenue to pursue their joy of dance in such a supportive environment. I have seen many young  girls over our eleven years at the studio grow to be mature and secure young women. Sandra Marie’s  leadership had an influence in developing these young people. This is a fact that can’t be denied.  Now, the studio wants to support parents even further. They are sponsoring a parenting workshop for  parents of teenagers.

The workshop is “You Can’t Fix Them So How Can You Live With Them- Parenting teens  today”. This is a workshop I have been giving across the North Shore for many years. I hope you can  join us on ____________________ at ___________________. The workshop will also serve as a  fundraiser for Northeast Youth Ballet. NYB is a nonprofit organization dedicated to bringing quality  ballet to our youth.