“If you don’t stop running in the store, you’ll get a time out when we get home.” “If you are really good in here, you’ll  get a treat at the check out aisle.” If you ever found yourself  trying these “motivating” statements, I’m sure you may just roll  your eyes and realize how many times they don’t work. When we  think about these things from the child’s perspective you can  start to see why.

Let’s take the threat. When children receive a threat,  they take a moment to think about the threat. They wonder how  serious a threat it is. They wonder whether the parent will  carry out the threat. They know from experience that not all  threats are carried out. Quickly they decide that the chance is  worth taking and they “cross over the line”. A threat is almost  like you are asking your child to cross the line. Our only  recourse to them is to increase our threat. At some point, our  child may give in – if our threat is great enough. But  threatening our kids into submission is a negative, time-consuming, and exhausting process for a parent. It just isn’t  worth it.

The converse to threats is bribes. “If you are really  good, you can get some M&M’s.” Just what does the parent mean  by “good” is always the question. Inevitably, at the end of the  required time, the child thinks he or she was good and deserves  the prize. Meanwhile, your child has pushed you to the point of  a few more gray hairs and you do not feel like giving the bribe.

Parents and children do better when bribes and threats  aren’t used. It is much better to think of rewards and  consequences. These should come as immediate consequences to  your child’s behavior. “You were so patient when you waited for  me, you deserve a reward.” The reward comes as a result of an  already performed positive behavior. Your child will be more  likely to perform that behavior again. Remember, they don’t  need to know that rewards are coming. They get them when you  acknowledge their behavior. Rewards can be just praise or  perhaps a bragging story telling to your spouse. This attention  is a positive reward. Or rewards can be just a time spent  together doing what they want. Of course, other rewards are  appropriate at times as well.

A consequence should be an immediate response to an  unwanted behavior. “You were running in the store so now you  need to hold my hand.” Threats prolong the games played between  parent and child. A consequence ends the behavior usually by  restricting them from a freedom.

Both rewards and consequence should be appropriate for the  age of the child and the degree of the action. Over-rewarding  leads to spoiling and severe consequences are mean to children.  All parents have to come to a happy medium in their rewards and  consequences. If you do, your child will learn a great deal  from you without threats and bribes.