Becoming Real (Teen Parenting I)

Children’s stories talk about characters “becoming real” like in the Velveteen Rabbit or the Indian and the Cupboard. We  use the vernacular phrase “get real will you?” We shun people  who we deem to be “fake”. But what is “becoming real” in the  human sense?

Look at any adolescent and you can see the struggle of  “becoming real”. They live in a world of uncertainty. They  have so much confusion over their identities, confusion over  expectations, and confusion over sexuality. Parents have  expectations for them. “You can be a great pianist.” Society  has expectations for them. “Your generation will have to figure  out the global warming dilemma.” And the sexual expectations –  you have to be blind not to see those. How does any adolescent  today manage through this confusing morass and “become real”.

Let’s try to tease out all the confusion. Expectations and  identities go hand in hand. Children learn a “basic child self”  through the early years with their parents. Through praise and  their accomplishments children realize they have some skills  that perhaps they can build on.  By setting expectations and setting ideals for the future,  parents form for their child what I call an “expected self”.  This is an identify the parents expect their child to conform to  or become in the future.

Children naturally develop over time some deep-seated  expectations for themselves. This forms their “essential self”  that can often be in conflict with the parents “expected self”.  This sets up the dynamic often played up in movies. Have you  seen the one where the parent expects their child to be a  baseball or soccer star and the child wants to star in the  musical?

Wait. I am not finished yet! We have our teens pressured  by society’s expectations as well. Society expects success from  our kids in the long run. Yet in the short run there is  enormous pressure “to fit in”. These two things in society are  in conflict and each teen has to deal with this conflict. The  most common way is to conform. This is why teens dress the same  and act the same. The less common reaction is to openly rebel.  If a teen is “counter culture” they “confirm” to a different  group. It is an open rebellion to the expectations thrown at  our kids.

No. I am not done yet. Finally, quietly inside our kids a  sexual being emerges. It is likewise under social pressure.  And this is so unfair since ultimately this sexual being should  be a truly personal choice. Yet society weighs into this  struggle for teens in big ways. How many sexual messages do you  see everyday? How do these messages effect teens? Have you  watched a PG 13 movie lately? Have you looked at the magazines  in the checkout aisle?

Wow, what a mess. How can anyone “become real” out of this  mess! Becoming real for teenagers is about resolving these  conflicts. Kids need to become secure in themselves by fusing  together their “basic child self”, the parents’ “expected self”,  their own “essential self”, their “sexual self” and societies  expectations. Only then does a teen become a mature and stable  individual. I feel for them. I firmly believe that it has  never been harder. But we can support them through this time.

Teens need a “chaperoned freedom”. They need responsible  adults around but need their space at the same time. They need  to be respected for the least this horrible process that they  need to go through. They also need to be respected for their  skills. They need rules and guidance. They need really good  examples both in society and at home. They need adults who are  true to their adult selves so they can be inspired to be true to  their teen selves. With this, teens may ultimately achieve the  security, confidence and ability to meld all these expectations  and identities into one solid true self – they will have become

When we see problems with teens in society – violence,  drugs, and teen pregnancy – there are problems for these teens  in this process of becoming real. Some blame parents. Some  blame society. Some blame teens yet, in this complex process,  many factors affect teen development. It is up to all facets of  society, parents, schools, coaches, health providers, churches,  & leaders to take their responsibility in their contribution to  teen development seriously. I have said for years, if all  adults looked at what they were doing in their lives and  honestly assessed what impact it had on teenagers and kids we  would form a world of support for them that would empower them  (the teens) to change the world. I wish it to happen soon. We  need to support our next generation in “becoming real”. In the next few weeks, I will be writing a series of parenting  articles about parenting teens. Most of the articles will be  based on the theories I outlined above and that I have presented  in parenting workshops in the Northshore. I hope they help  parents during these troubling times.