Experiencing anger is a normal part of life. But if children experience too much anger what happens to them?  If they are yelled and screamed at too often, how do they  respond? This is easy to answer. We might have  experienced this in our lives. Or we may see the results  in our kids when we have been too strict with them.

When children live with too much anger in the home,  they live in fear. They withdraw. When things get tense,  they try to be invisible. Many times they fight back as  hard as they can. And nobody wins. Ultimately they can’t  express themselves or show their skills completely. They  feel blamed. It is logical then to recognize that it is  important to reduce anger and its expression at home.

Where does anger come from? Why is it there? And how  can we modify how forcefully we express it? Anger is the  result of an unrealized expectation. It is as simple as that. We expect our children to act a certain way or do  certain things. When they don’t live up to these  expectations we become frustrated. Our frustration results  in anger. Fault and blame soon follows. But rarely do we  as parents blame our expectations. Children will not meet  our expectation thousands of times before they are adults. But a major part of not realizing expectations is the  expectation itself.

The reasons why children don’t meet our expectations have little to do with our children. The reasons have to  do with us. Are we treating our kids at an appropriate developmental level? Are we expecting too much? Do we  really know their skills? Have we taught them what we expect them to do? Have we communicated fully what our  expectation is and the timeline we expect the task  completed? Before you can be angry with your child, you really need to ask yourself these questions. If you can  successfully answer these questions, then you can be annoyed with your child . . . . or you can readjust your  expectation.

We certainly need outlets for our anger and  frustration in dealing with our children. Hobbies,  exercise and time away from our kids can help. But if you really want to reduce anger at home you need to do more.  Know your child’s developmental level. Know their skills. Communicate what you expect in simple terms. Forgive  failure and readjust your expectation. Accept their  fallibility. Evaluate your expectations for parenting. Do  you live with the myth that children should be seen and not  heard? Do you operate too much on your agenda instead of theirs? Evaluate your tolerance, your triggers. This  seems like hard work and it is. But we are adults and this work must be done so our kids can grow up with less anger in their homes.