Category Archives: Parenting Tips

Baby, Family, Infant, Parenting Tips

What The Newborn Nursery Won’t Tell You About Your Baby

Newborn nurseries are magical places. Wonderful people care for new babies and their nervous mothers. Before the pair go home to experience new life together, nursery nurses are able to teach a number of essential tasks to make the first few months go well. They teach mothers how to feed, and bathe their infant. Mothers learn how to monitor for signs of illness in a baby. With these important functions to teach it is no wonder that nurses don’t cover less important worries that new mothers have. Fortunately, that is where I come in. As a pediatrician I get to teach new mothers about their babies too. And in the first visit with me, mothers are often perplexed about many simple things that we as practitioners in medicine take for granted. Over the years I have made a list of worries other than feeding that mothers have at their first check up at two weeks of age. Here they are.

1. How do I stop his hiccups?

Many mothers experience hiccups in their babies even before birth. But it is more disturbing to us to see a baby’s little body shake with hiccups. Fortunately, we don’t have to do anything about them. Hiccups occur as a natural reflex. This reflex tends to subside as babies grow. It may be hard to watch. But remember, babies aren’t bothered by hiccups. We are, but they are not. Just leave them be. They’ll be fine.

2. My baby sneezes and coughs. Is she sick?

Oh, those immature reflexes! They haunt babies for months. Sneezes and coughs are also reflexes that are a bit hyper in babies. These, too, will decrease in frequency over the first several months.

3. My child sounds congested.

Congestion is not a reflex. Congestion is a blockage in the nose that makes it hard for babies to breathe. But babies often sound congested without even having any blockage. Why is this? Babies have narrow nasal passages with loose mucus membranes. Air moving through a narrow space makes a noise. In musical instruments air makes a pretty sound. In babies’ noses, air makes a congested noise as it moves along those vibrating mucus membranes. So a parent only needs to be concerned about congestion they see – not a congested noise they hear. With congestion you see, a few drops of saline solution usually helps clear their little noses.

4. My baby is fussy and hard to console sometimes.

All babies have fussy periods. These occur with more frequency and for longer periods of time at six weeks of age. Babies usually settle down and are less fussy at three months of age. Even though it goes away, that doesn’t make it easy to deal with while it is happening. Keep your baby close, support his belly and have extra people around to help out. That’s how to get through the fussy baby times.

5. My baby has so much gas! Is that normal?

Whether your baby is fussy with gas or not, it is normal for babies to be gassy. It is a natural process for our bowels to develop a flora of bacteria that creates gas in their bowel. Only a small percent of babies have fussiness caused by this gas.

6. What about this green poop he has?

Stool color changes with time even when the baby’s diet does not. Nursing babies progress from brown muconium stools to yellow watery stools to yellow seedy stools to green stools. Bottle fed babies change more rapidly through these color stools and end up with the typical brown stool faster than nursing babies. It might be hard for a pregnant woman to imagine being concerned about the color of poop. But…you will see. It is amazing how much talk there is about poop once you have the baby.

7. Besides pooping the only other things my baby does is eat, sleep and pee! And he sleeps a lot! When will he wake up and interact a little?

For the first few weeks after birth most babies just eat, sleep, pee, and poop. This can be surprising to parents who expect an expressive baby. Many parents start longing for more interaction. It becomes difficult to be at the service of an infant and get little of the warm and fuzzy things in return. The interactive time will come. By two months of age babies are usually focusing on parent’s faces and smiling back at them.

8. Well, before two months what is my baby seeing?

It is hard for babies to tell us what they are seeing. However, physicians have studied the visual preferences babies have in the first few months of life. At first babies prefer sharp contrasts between light and dark objects. This is likely due to the fact that the color interpreting cone cells of the eye develop over the first month or so. After the first month babies prefer to look at oval objects similar to the general shapes of faces. This leads to the focusing on particular faces by two months of age. By four months babies will be able to see across a room. And by six months any stray object that you didn’t see such as a small toy or a bit of fuzz will be picked up and thrust into their mouths.

9. When do they stop burping, gagging and spitting up?

Babies are messy little creatures. They drink and gulp their meals. Belch frequently. They gag on almost anything at the beginning. And often spit up or throw up what seems like half their meals. It sounds awful but is quite natural. Since most of their food is liquid and taken in by sucking, burping is a natural consequence of this form of feeding. If babies didn’t burp they could become more bloated and more gassy. Burps will come if they need to. Not all babies burp after all feedings. Spitting up happens with burping. It is of no consequence so long as the baby gains weight on the amount of food they keep down. And gagging is helpful for babies to protect themselves from aspirating their liquid food. Due to a baby’s gag reflex, it is rare for any baby to actually aspirate food into their lungs. So even though these issues are messy, they help our babies stay healthy. They do become less frequent after nine months of age.

10. My baby breathes in a funny way. Sometimes she even stops breathing for a second. Is that okay?

Babies do breathe in a funny way. They can breathe ten times rapidly, then take a deep breath and not breathe for five seconds. If we traced newborn breathing patterns on paper we would have nothing but squiggly lines. Their breathing patterns smooth out and become more regular at three to four months of age. Until then, their irregular respirations can startle parents until they recognize how normal their baby’s abnormal breathing is.

These are the most common normal body habits of babies that disturb new parents. Some of these cause real fear and concern for first time moms and dads. Having some knowledge about these nuances of newborns can help parents relax. And that is good for parents, good for baby and good for the new family. It would be nice to hear about all these issues in the newborn nursery but it would just be too much to handle at that special time. Having some reference for these issues after you go home is more appropriate. So it is with that in mind that this was written for expectant parents.

I hope you can relax and enjoy your new baby.

Community, Cultural Influences, Diseases and Conditions, Parenting Tips

Trends In Pediatrics

As I look back over twenty-three years of practicing Pediatrics I see some dramatic changes in the health of our children. Most of the practicing clinicians I know look  back at their years of training with fondness. It was during those years that our minds  were absorbing all kinds of new information about the care of children. Twenty years  ago during my training I was taught how to screen children and babies for serious blood  infections called bacteremia and serious brain infections or meningitis. During my early  years of practice, hardly a day went by without at least one spinal tap being done. Spinal  taps for meningitis and blood cultures for blood infections were two relatively common  procedures for practicing pediatricians. Today, thanks to new vaccines babies suffer  these unpleasantries much more rarely. Two vaccines, one for pneumococcus and one  for hemophilus bacteria have changed children’s health in a very real way to me. These  have allowed me to keep spinal taps in my mind mostly as a memory.

Though changes in medicine have helped children’s lives there are other changes in  children’s health that are not so promising. In fact, the rise of some health and mental  health issues should be the concern to all of us.

Over my years of practice I have seen a dramatic growth in four types of illness. Asthma  cases have risen. Childhood obesity is an epidemic. Attention Deficit Disorder with and  without hyper-activity continues to rise. And mental illness particularly depression in  children and teens is reaching crisis proportions. There are good reasons why we all need  to be concerned about the increase in these illnesses. Let me explain my reasons with  each type of illness.

Asthma is a disease where a person’s lungs become more reactive to viruses or allergens  making the bronchi go into spasm. This makes it more difficult for that person to  breathe. The typical symptoms include cough, night cough, difficulty breathing and  coughing with exercise. Nobody knows why we have had an increase in asthma cases  over time. Perhaps we have more allergens (things that cause allergies) or maybe we  have more allergic people. Perhaps our air quality has something to do with it. Others  say we are diagnosing it more easily than we used to. No matter what the reason,  we all should have concern for this negative trend in children’s health. We could all  work harder to improve air quality. We can avoid second hand smoke–producing it or  receiving it! We can know the early warning signs of asthma-persistent cough, cough  at night, or cough at play. And finally we should seek care early because, on the bright  side, our treatments for asthma have improved as the cases have increased. We are better  at taking care of asthmatics now than we were years ago.

Obesity has been in the news a lot in the past few years. Practicing pediatricians saw  this trend coming long before the lay press put it on the front page. And even with the  publicity given to this problem, people are not doing enough. We need to make sure our  children don’t have a sedentary lifestyle. They need exercise daily. And a balanced diet  eaten daily with lots of fruits and vegetables is essential. We need to model and teach  good diets starting very young. If you are excusing your child’s poor eating habits, stop  right now and put him on a good diet. I often shock people by telling them some stories I hear from parents about how their children eat. Yet despite obvious diet issues many  parents fail to intervene and make changes. We, the parents need to take control of the  choice of foods, our children will not. There is too much temptation in our society. We  need to help them make the right choices. This is imperative for our future generation.

Attention Deficit disorder is a problem where children cannot sustain attention on any  one subject for very long. Again it is not clear why this has risen to such a high number.  Some say we are too quick to diagnose and treat. Others say schools have too high  expectations for all kids to conform. Many of the practicing doctors I know feel the trend  towards more ADHD is real. Many children and families are helped by treatment. Many  children go from failing grades to straight A’s. Parents need to think about this diagnosis  with any child who has trouble in school. Seek help from a professional. It may make a  world of difference.

Depression can be a serious mental illness that can have catastrophic results. Few  psychologists, psychiatrists or pediatricians doubt the rise in this illness. Parents need  to know the early warning signs of depression: withdrawal from friends and activities,  increased sleep, failing at school; and loss of interest to name a few. Seek professional  help early. It can save a life.

The trends in ADHD and depression are extremely worrisome to me. Certainly these  need to be treated and managed. But I question whether there is something cultural that  we need to face to decrease these cases in the future. Are our children learning to change  their focus rapidly and often while playing on the screens they watch daily? Are they  failing to learn how to interact well together due to decreased interaction with people as  they grow side by side with technology? These are hard questions to answer. But it is  important for parents to recognize that children’s mental health development depends a  lot on personal interaction. So it may stand to reason that we should be limiting screen time not just to reduce obesity but to optimize children’s personality development. If our  kids are away from screens and facing each other, they learn a lot more about conflict resolution, empathy and caring then they do in front of a screen.

Suffice it to say there have been wonderful gains over the past 20 years in  children’s well being. There are new vaccines against devastating illnesses. New  medicines work better than old medicines against many illnesses that we are seeing larger  numbers. Yet we need to continue to move forward in our children’s health and well  being by looking at the new trends in pediatric illness and question why they are  happening. By increasing awareness and having more minds questioning, perhaps we  will find reasons for these negative trends. Once reasons are found then we hope these  trends can be reversed so the health of our children can be improved once again.

Community, Cultural Influences, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Teen

Tough Times for Teens and Their Parents

When I do workshops for parents of teenagers I see many shaking heads when I say, “it is a tough time to be a teenager!” Everyone in the audience recognizes this  statement as fact. Few adults can picture growing up as a teen now. School demands  are higher. It is harder to get into college. College costs add a burden. A high school  diploma doesn’t help your career very much. And now, with the economic crisis, the  future looks tougher still. There is only one thing tougher than being a teenager, and that  is being a parent of one!

Teens are exposed to so much so early that they seem to be growing up too fast.  Media-We know the risks that they may encounter but it seems that they do not. We  worry for them. And the freedoms that they demand from us so early make it difficult for  us to stay in control. How are we to parent our teens today? Where else can we turn?

Baby, Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Toddler

Toilet Training Made Easy

At times I feel like I can hear all the phrases used in different households by different people. I can hear mothers saying “Do you need to use the potty now? Do you  want to try?” When changing diapers at the changing table children hear, “When are you  going to use the potty? Mommy doesn’t want to change these diapers forever, you  know?” Another phrase that echoes around is, “Oh won’t it be great when you are using  the potty?” Grandparents get into the fray with the admonishing phrase, “You don’t have  her out of diapers yet? I had all of you out of diapers before you were walking.” Oh  friends and neighbors aren’t innocent. “You should put her in pull-ups” or “Just buy  him Sponge Bob underpants” or “Put him on the toilet every hour”, or “Have you tried M  & M’s as a reward?” It is as if it takes a village to toilet train a child!!!

Yet it is wonderful when a child is finally toilet trained. It marks an end to a  stage. Parents deal with less mess. No more buying diapers. And the most appreciated  factor is that the never ending unsolicited suggestions from relatives and strangers will  stop. Getting there will be great. But getting your child “toilet trained” requires little  “training” from you.

The amazing thing about this process is that most children train themselves when  they are ready. After all, they do have ultimate control over this issue, don’t they? They  decide. They have control. The biggest battle of “toilet training” is fighting all the  pressure to “train your child”.

Think of it from the child’s point of view. When all the young child is hearing is  “potty, potty, potty….,” they recognize only that a fuss is being made over them. When a  fuss is made over them for doing nothing, there is no motivation for a child to change  from doing nothing. They are smart enough to realize that if they change and go in the  potty, then they risk all the fuss about them over the potty will end. From the child’s  point of view isn’t it better to continue having people make a fuss over you for not going  in the toilet?

There is an easier way to toilet train. First, despite what you are told, most  children do not go on the toilet before two and a half at the early end. Most children  toilet train themselves at three years old. By the time your child enters that age, he has  probably seen people go to the bathroom and perhaps has tried copying the action  himself. But as your child approaches three, it is time to stop talking and reminding  about the toilet. You should pay no attention to toilet issues. It should appear to them  that it doesn’t matter to you where he goes to the bathroom. In fact, it shouldn’t matter to  you since they have control of this issue, right? Make diaper changes boring – even  emotionally cold. Don’t let diaper changes lead to play, reading, or other fun. Make it  all business. Make sure grandparents and others don’t pester your child about the toilet either. Tell them he will train when he is ready. Your child may try to go to the  bathroom in other places like a corner of a room. A quick correction and coldness will  suffice for any “accident”. Don’t over-react to it. Only respond with praise to your  child’s toileting actions to valid attempts at the toilet. This way the only attention your  child is getting over this issue is with positive attempts at the toilet. Eventually he or she  will move towards this positive experience. Be patient. After all your child will not go  to college in diapers.

Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Teen

Tips On Parenting Your Adolescent

As parents, we grow with our children. But that growth hits a stumbling block when we reach the teen years. Then our usually compliant son or daughter changes and  the challenges begin. All of a sudden there are challenges to your commands. They  want to be the boss. They want more independence and you’re not ready to give it. They  want to be with friends more than family. They are very self centered and private and  they seem to thrive on arguments. Does this description fit your teen? Then maybe some  information and tips would be helpful to you and your family.

It is important to remember the stages that teens go through in early adolescence  (usually somewhere between 11 and 15 years) teens start thinking more critically. This is  the time of questioning and challenging. It is as if the teen is saying “so these were the  values I was brought up with, but are they valid?” The next stage is middle adolescence  where teens want to try some values out for themselves. Now they are saying – “ok  those are your values but I’m going to try some for myself.” Obviously, this is the  experimental time. It is usually between 14 and 16. It is a very scary time for parents.  But take heart through this time. It is important to keep your standards and restrictions in  place and weather through this time. Because sooner or later comes Late Adolescence.  This is where parents can breathe easier. In Late Adolescence, teens usually “come back  home” to the values they were brought up with. It is this time where they start being  more responsible and thinking more about their future.

So how do we, as parents, deal with our teens as they go through these stages?  Well here are some key do’s and don’t for raising an adolescent.

1. Respect.

It is important for their ego development that you respect them. It is natural for  them to disrespect you at times – nevertheless it is important that you continue to  respect them! You will command their respect more if you recognize that they are as  human as you and I. They are going through the rougher part of this transition. They  need you to respect their opinion, their space, and their privacy.

2. Continue to set limits.

Respecting them is not the same as relinquishing all control. They need (and  sometimes want) limits. It is ok for these limits to be negotiated at appropriate times.

3. Praise is important.

Never in their lives do they need to know what you approve of more than now.  Make a point to notice the positives and voice them. But in voicing them don’t let  it become negative comment, (i.e. now that’s what I like not like when you . . . .).  Just be simple – “I like it when you . . . .”

4. Don’t be critical.

Make corrections simply and clearly. Don’t overcorrect, lecture, embarrass,  belittle, shame or blame your teen. They understand simple corrections.

5. Be a good example.

Do as I say not as I do does not wash with teens. It might just be the time for a  parent to stop smoking and/or drinking. It is amazing how much respect this can  earn from teenagers.

6. Listen when they want to talk and make time to listen.

Be active in listening. Repeat statements. Nod your head. Ask clarifying  questions. Don’t give solutions. Just listen. Let them figure it out in your  presence.

7. Don’t over-advise your teen.

It is time for them to figure things out. They need to learn some things by  experience. I know – this can be scary!!

8. Get out of arguments quickly.

Say your peace and stop. The argument is the temper tantrum of the teenager.  They’ll keep you arguing forever and it never stays on the same topic. If you turn  away and stop, they fizzle out.

9. No matter what – stay involved.

Kids with involved parents grow up to be better  adults. Witness your teen’s interests. You don’t have to love it. You don’t have  to learn to skateboard too! But it’s not a bad idea to see what he or she has to  show you!

Take heart. They are all children. Show them you care. Show them some love and they  usually do well.

Some reading for parents:

Get out of my life but first can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall.   By Anthony Wolf

You and Your Adolescent  A Parents Guide for ages 10-20. By Steinberg & Levine

Good Luck,

Brian G. Orr, M.D.

Baby, Family, Infant, Parenting Tips

The Parent’s Journey

Being a parent is such an incredible experience that it is hard to remember not being a parent even after only a  few weeks of being one. The responsibility is great. To  have a newborn so dependent on you is on the one hand very  gratifying and fulfilling and on the other hand very scary.

I came across a quote by Richard Carlson, the author  of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. Mr. Carlson says, “We are  given the opportunity to be responsible for children for a  relatively short period in their lives, to guide them until  they are ready to find themselves”.

This quote speaks of the dilemma parents face in  loving, caring, and protecting their child, at the same  time giving up control, letting them grow, and allowing  them to become themselves. How we do this over time is a  very personal part of parenting that cannot be taught. It  must be lived and experienced. Facing this conflict is one  all parents must do whether we get blind sided by it or  face it openly.

When we become parents we get lulled into the idea  that we control so much. We are satisfied by feeding our  child and hearing satisfied burps coming from him or her.  He falls asleep on our chest and we feel the awe of having  our child sense the security of our arms. It takes some  time, many months, for us to see a personality in our  child. Then we see our child’s desire to call some shots.  At some point we turn against our child’s will by saying  “No, I can’t let you do that”. We see the resistance the  child puts up when their will is crossed. We watch further  as we see their will develop into interests, and their  interests eventually into who they are. We help by  promoting their interests while continuing to say “No” to  some of their desires. We strive to balance discipline and  permissiveness. We recognize their skills, sometimes  before they do. Sometimes we don’t see it until long after  they have been using it. We worry. We have fears for them  that they don’t see and don’t want to hear about. We give  them attention; they take some control. We try to stay out  of some parenting traps and dig our way out when we fall  into them. We lift them up when they have fallen. We  recognize their emotional outbursts and help them through  them. We listen to their dreams, realistic and far-fetched. We acknowledge their successes (hopefully as  theirs and not ours) and we feel their pain in their  failures.

It doesn’t end. Parenting continues for life and  beyond. (Even if our child happens to die before we do, we  continue to think of them as our child). Without a doubt,  parenting is the hardest job we will ever have. Few of us  succeed at it without the support of others. It takes  faith in ourselves as parents. It takes faith in them as  individuals. We need to have courage to allow them the  space to become themselves. As Jack Kornberg says in his  book, The Art of Forgiveness, Loving, Kindness and Peace,  “Peace requires us to surrender our illusions of control.  We can love and care for others but we cannot possess our  children, lovers, family or friends. We can assist them,  pray for them, and wish them well, yet in the end their  happiness and suffering depend on their thoughts and  actions, not on our wishes.” And so it becomes very  important for parents to learn what we have control over  and what our children have responsibility for. That quest  defines the short term and long term aspects of each  parent’s journey.

Behavior, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Toddler

The Overly Negative Parent

Stop it! Why are you always fidgeting? Don’t climb on that! Can’t you be still for a moment? Leave your nose  alone! Can’t you occupy yourself for a minute? Must you  look into everything? Don’t you know that’s not safe? Sit  here! Keep your hands to yourself!

We all have used these phrases at one time or another.

It’s easy to fall into negative parenting patterns.  The fact is that children don’t mind negative parenting in  the short run. Sometimes they are thriving in the  attention they get from you even if it is in correcting  their behavior. Many times children enjoy controlling you  and “pushing your buttons”. However, in the long run  negative patterns of interaction have detrimental effects  on children’s egos. They start to embody the thought that  they are a “bad” child that always needs correction.  Meanwhile parents often sense the negativity in the  relations with their children and don’t like it.  Intellectually we know it isn’t good for our children.  Most parents plan on giving their children the best. So it  is usually upsetting for us to fall into negativity in  parenting. There is great value in being able to recognize  when you or your spouse are in one of these patterns.  Recognition is the first step in changing this pattern.

Once you recognize a negative mode of parenting there  are steps you can take to get out of it. Start by turning  off the word faucet. Ignore your child instead of  constantly correcting them. If you need to correct them,  use action instead of words. A touch on the shoulder or  turning them to the right direction often works better than  words. Take moments to compliment your child. Thank them  for following your correction or instruction. Praise and  compliments can help turn the tide on negativism. Employ  praise daily. Look up short phrases and words that kids  like to hear like “wow”, “way to go”, “I like it when you…”

Try to understand your child’s developmental level.  Many kids need to explore, jump and run. Give them a space  and time to play with their developing skills. Stop asking  silly questions like “Why do you have to…?” or “Can’t you  just be still for a moment?” Children are made to move and  be curious. It is up to parents to be creative to let them  use their curiosity and energy.

Don’t get frustrated with your child’s need for  constant vigilance. For certain ages, keeping one eye on  your child is a requirement in parenting. Parents must  accept this role. It takes a long time for children to  become self sufficient and trustworthy.

Children want to call attention to themselves and to  push our buttons. These desires often pull us into a  negative swirl. We can get out of these by taking  appropriate steps. Through these steps we can help our  kids feel positive about themselves and we can feel  positive about our relationships with our children.

Baby, Behavior, Infant, Parenting Tips, Psychology, Toddler

The Emergence Of Permanence

Your nine month old wants an electric cord but you distract him with a stuffed animal and he takes the bait.  Even at one year of age distraction to another object  replaces a desired one. At fifteen months, your methods of  distraction to an object you favor over one your child  favors may take longer but still works. But by eighteen  months your child persists after the TV remote even though  you try to distract him with two or even three different  fun items. What has happened? Why was it easier to  distract your child to a new object at nine months to a  year of age but at fifteen to eighteen months your method  isn’t working?

The problem is not with your method. The problem is  with your child’s development. By eighteen months of age  your child has developed the idea of permanence.  Permanence is when your child knows the object you are  hiding behind your back is still in existence and is the  object they want. Before this age your child might  “forget” that the remote or the electric wire ever existed  once you hid it from them and introduced a new item. This  is an important piece of information for parents to  understand. Without knowledge of this many parents fall  into a trap.

The trap goes like this. We as parents are used to  using distraction for over a year to give a child something  else rather than something they want. But as a child  develops permanence and persists after the hidden remote,  parents often continue to try distracting them by offering  them bigger and better choices. The offers continue until  something that pleases the child is offered. If this  pattern continues then a child learns to persist and act  out and something good will come their way. Does this trap  sound familiar?

If parents of fifteen to eighteen month olds recognize  this risk of using distraction, they can avoid this trap  and avoid feeling like your child is ruling you by their  behavior. If your child starts persisting for an object  you don’t want him to have, get that object way out of  reach and out of sight. Your child will start acting out  in frustration and disappointment. You may try one or two  simple attempts at distraction but if they don’t work, stop  trying. Allow your child to experience disappointment  without a response from you. The child will learn to move  past this emotion in a very short time. They will learn  that you are in control and they can’t persist in behavior  to win something. This age is when children want what they  want but can’t have everything they want. Since they have  learned about permanence, it is time for them to learn  about disappointment.

Baby, Behavior, Family, Parenting Tips, Pre-Teen, Psychology, Toddler

The Attention Control Game

It often seems that as I grow as a parent that I move from one trap to another. Things may be smooth for a while but then with one child or another I find myself involved with  a behavior that I don’t want but repeatedly seem to get into with my child. This behavior  might be something that only I get. Or when I bring it up to my spouse I may find that  she is dealing with it too. At some point I realize that this behavior is driving me crazy. I  realize my child knows “how to push my buttons” again. It could be tantrums, whining,  arguing, or other noxious behaviors that I don’t want. Yet, the more I respond to it the  more often I seem to yield that behavior from my child. How do I fall into these traps?

All parents fall into traps through what I call the “Attention – Control Game”. Other  parents tell me how their children know “how to push their buttons” too. Almost  all behaviors that “push our buttons” fall within this attention – control game. To  understand this game I divide children’s behaviors into four categories.

The first behavior category is one done just for attention. We all know how children seek  and need this vital resource. In fact it is important for children to get a lot of attention to  support the positive attributes they have. We need to give our children attention in order  to demonstrate their importance to us and to build their ego so they gain knowledge about  the good things they are able to do. Giving positive attention to our children is as vital a  role for us as it is a vital need for them.

The second category of behavior is one done just for control. These are behaviors that  kids do to control us or our response. It may be as simple as a long “please” and sappy  eyes just to get something at a store. But if it works to control us it provides them a  benefit beyond getting a candy. Kids need to have more control over time. They need  the sense of power to help support their budding egos. They need to know that they have  the power to control things for themselves in order to build confidence for encountering  the world outside our family.

A third set of behaviors that are important to children are ones that yield no attention or  control from a parent. Why are these important? These are self-sufficient behaviors.  These are things such as a child who spends hours on a drawing or a child who builds  with legos for a whole morning. These are behaviors that the child is drawn to from their  inner being. These flow from talents, skills, and areas of interest the child has and for a  large part doesn’t need the reinforcement that a parent’s attention can bring. We want  our children to discover these talents and skills. They need the opportunity to use them.  The self-fulfillment becomes reinforcement enough. And the child comes to value the  part of them that has that particular skill.

The last category of behavior is the one that traps us. All behavior that drives us crazy  falls into the category that gives the child attention and controls us. These behaviors are  often negative. They serve no logical use for the child. But regardless these negative  behaviors never change so long as the child gets attention for the behavior and controls  the parent’s response. It is this category that I emphasize whenever parents talk to me  about behaviors that are bothering them. Understanding this phenomenon of attention  and control is crucial in order to change our response and get out of negative behavior  traps.

Whether it is temper tantrums, refusal to go to bed, whining, or any other negative  behavior, if a parent can understand their response and how it reinforces the child’s  behavior, parents can then change their response and modify the child’s behavior  overtime.

In order to rid your house of negative behavior, three steps need to be taken.

1) The parent needs to ask how he (she) gives the behavior (such as temper  tantrums) attention.

2) The parent needs to understand how this behavior controls the parent’s  response. How does the behavior control you?

3) And finally the parent needs to make a conscious decision to control their  own reaction to a behavior and not give the child any attention for the negative  behavior.

If done correctly the parent can watch that behavior slowly disappear. And they will  be prepared for the next behavior that will drive them nuts when it inevitably appears.  Because our kids know how to push our buttons, it won’t be long before we fall into the  trap once again.

Community, Family, Parenting Tips

The Too Busy Family

The family dinner is on its way out. Families are too busy. They can’t seem to be in the same room together for too  long much less have a meal together. The commitments have  grown. Schools need volunteers. The sports need coaches and  supporters. Aging relatives need your help. Kids have too many  activities and desires. It is no wonder that families are too  stressed. How can we calm this spiral of family commitments?

This is a difficult question for families to answer. It is  hard to fight the pressures we face. To calm down our family  commitments it means that a parent needs to say “no” to  somebody. This, in turn, may lead to disappointment, anger or  guilt. But nonetheless it may be necessary if a family gains  some sanity in the process.

Many families have choices to make regarding their  commitments. Do kids really need to be on two baseball teams or  two hockey teams? Let your kids focus on one sport and one team  a season. In fact, one extracurricular activity per season may  be sufficient. If there is more than one in a season at least  have one activity limited to once a week. Our kids really don’t  need to be so scheduled.

Some families don’t have the luxury to sign their kids up  for activities to be overscheduled. Many families have two  working parents. Some have divorced parents trying to balance  custody arrangements along with work and school commitments.  Yet other families have single parents who balance work and home  schedules. What constitutes “over scheduling” may be very  specific to family makeup and family health. There cannot be a  “one size fits all” prescription for family activity. It is  important for all families to look at what they can do to  support everyone’s interests while balancing what is realistic  for the family to be committed to.

In light of this, parents need to recognize that there are  pressures for us to keep up with other families. If other  players are on two baseball teams, should your son play on a  second team as well? If your neighbor’s daughter is going to a  summer ballet program, should your daughter too? This pressure  continues through high school so much so that you can be made to  think that you are ruining your child’s chances for a good  college or even a good life if you do not keep up with other  families. Of course, this is not true. We do not have to keep  up with other families!

Families need to look at the calendar together. Discuss  what is necessary and fair. All members need to be involved in  the family schedule. Someone’s activity may have to be  sacrificed in favor of another’s. Sometimes a practice, game or  party may have to be missed for the sake of family sanity. This  is blasphemy in today’s family but should not be.

Coaches, teachers and parents need to chill out. Everyone  wants commitment to the team, the class or to the social group.  But with families committed to death, people need to recognize a  family’s excuse as a legitimate reason to miss a practice game  or event.

Families should rely on community supports without guilt.  We all need help from other parents, extended family or a hired  babysitter. Don’t let others make you feel bad if you cannot  always be at the game or volunteer for the class. Be there when  you can. Get support where you need it and let go of the guilt  that others put on you. We all need help and support. We can’t  do it all.

Something has to give with this helter skelter family life  that people are experiencing. We need renewed commitment to  time at home to relax with the family without a scheduled event.