Sensitive and attentive parents do not want to dismiss their child’s emotions. But that sensitivity may cause other  problems for a parent. Kids often demonstrate an emotion with a  behavior. When children are denied things they want, some  children cry. Others get angry and yell back at their parents.  Others can have full-blown fits over not getting a toy at the  store, or being denied a play date. Though as parents today we  want to pay attention to the emotions that our children display, we do not want to be controlled by the behavior their emotions bring with them. In other words, our children cannot learn to  get things from their behavior brought on over an emotion. If  they get something for their behavior in these situations, the  behavior may become a means to an end in and of itself. The  emotion becomes a secondary issue for the child. It becomes a  vehicle to bring on a behavior that may win for them some  consolation from their parent. This is something children back  into depending on their parents response to them. Children  don’t maliciously plan this out. It happens by accident for  parents and children alike. Over time we realize that when our  children get emotional they act like “a sobbing rag doll” or “a  screaming banshee” or “a tantruming two year old”.

It is important for parents to be able to separate the  emotion from the behavior around the emotion. The emotion may  be disappointment, or sadness or anger. The behavior is the  yelling, crying or tantruming. Kids need to understand the  emotion they are experiencing. They also need to know  appropriate ways of expressing their emotion. These are things  parents need to explain to children. “I can see that my  decision disappoints (or fill in another emotion word here) you.

By going through your child’s outbursts with a system like  this, you express empathy and understanding while instructing  your child about their behavior. This can be effective in  dealing with behaviors that start due to your child’s emotional  response. This way you are separating the emotion and the  behavior and may get away from responses that perpetuate the  behaviors. And your child can learn to handle emotions more  appropriately.