You hear a crash in the other room. You dash around  the corner to find your son several feet away from your  precious ceramic bowl that lies shattered on the floor.  You ask, “Who broke my bowl?” To which your son answers,  “I didn’t do it.” “But you are the only one here. It must  have been you.” Again, your son says “I didn’t do it! It  fell by itself.” “You know dishes can’t fall by  themselves.” “Then someone else must have knocked it  over.” And so it goes, no matter what you say, your son  lies and cannot face the truth of what happened. Almost  more upsetting to you then the broken bowl is the fact that  you have a son that is a liar.

This can be disturbing to parents. Naturally we want  to forge trusting relationships with our children. How can  you do that when your child lies? Worse than that, when  caught apparently red-handed in a lie, your child can’t  seem to face the truth. How should parents respond?  Should we be angry? Should we wash their mouths out? What  kind of response do lies warrant? Do different  circumstances warrant different responses? How can we  manage lying so that we can foster a trusting relationship?

The first thing parents need to realize is that  children have a different sense of reality. They live half  of their days in an imagined world. What this means is  that when they say “it fell by itself” or “someone else did  it”, they may actually believe what they say is true! As a  result, it can be very frustrating for parents to argue  with their children over what is the truth. You may never  get the admission of guilt you are after because of their  different sense of reality. So how should parents handle  lies?

First, be careful on placing blame. Children are very  sensitive to blame. So unless you really witness the  crime, don’t be direct in blaming your child. In the above  scene if the parent continues to argue that her son broke  the bowl, he will continue to defend himself based on his  sense of what really happened. With an unwitnessed crime  as in the above scenario it is better to voice your  displeasure that your bowl was broken. Then while he helps  you clean up the bowl and after, your boy deserves a cold  shoulder for a period of time.

If the scenario changed a little and you actually saw  that he broke your bowl while playing with a ball then you  can be direct in your correction no matter what lies or  fabrications come your way. “I don’t care if you think  someone else did it, I saw you knock over my bowl with your  ball. Now you can sit quietly in your room for a while.”

Lies often get more sophisticated over time. Children  get smarter as they get older. And trying to get away with  lies is a time honored rite of childhood. So don’t fret  over your child being a liar. Leave name calling and  labeling of your child out of this. In treating each lying  event keep it simple. If you don’t truly catch your child  in the act, sternly repeat your expectations for honesty.  If you catch your child in a lie, give an age appropriate  punishment and reinforce your need for honesty.

The most important lessons about lies and honesty for  our kids come from how we, the parents, treat our children  and others. If we treat others with honesty and respect,  our children will learn that it is important to treat  people that way. But for them it will take time and a few  lies to learn how to treat people honestly.