For twenty-three years I have been witnessing parents develop into their role. All parents start out adoring  their little precious bundle of joy. In the beginning the  parent’s role is to respond to the baby’s every call. When  their baby cries, mom and dad spring into action. Mom and  dad follow their basic instinct to respond and comfort  their child. Baby experts across the country recommend  spoiling, cuddling and responding to baby’s cries for the  first three months of life. Most new parents cannot help  themselves but do just that.

A responsive approach works for a while with children.

Over time, parents are surprised when a change comes  to the relationship. Our children develop wills and their  demands are no longer easily met. Things you could  distract your child from, just weeks ago, now are things  your child persists in wanting and they cry over it. This  marks a change in parenting. For the first months of life,  we learned to be totally responsive to our child. But,  after time, we see the will of our child and need to face  that will. This leads to conflict between us and our  children and conflict within us. Do we respond? How do we  respond? Do we give into our child’s cry? If we respond,  are we catering too much to their wants? If we ignore  their demands, are we being too strict?

Parents have to grow and mature in their role as  a parent. Part of that maturing is recognizing our child’s  will and learning how to direct them. Parents have to  learn a balance between leniency and strictness.

Young parents are often surprised that their child has  a will. Many parents tell me that their child “knows what  she wants” or “has a mind of her own”. This isn’t a  novelty. All children do. The challenge for us, as  parents, is to know when to give into their wills and when  not to.

By eighteen months of age children demonstrate  persistence in their desires. You can no longer distract  them away from a desired object. As a result, children  become crafty in trying to get what they want. Through  trial and error they “try-on” different behaviors to get  their way. It is facing these behaviors that become the  battleground for parents. Their behaviors change over time.  Toddlers have temper fits of different varieties. Grade  school children whine and teenagers argue. And there are  many other behaviors in between. We must change from  responding to their whims to ignoring their behaviors.  When parents can listen to their child cry, whine, stomp,  kick, groan and argue over something they want and, yet,  not respond to them, they have grown as a parent.

When you see that your child has developed a will, and  you know their motivation for their cries, you must learn  when it is right to ignore and when it is right to respond.